8. Rain of emotions

[Zeve’s POV]

I fed the kitten milk with a spoon.

Lucella said it was a female kitten.

The kids came after Amor left. They had been in my room, adoring the kitten.

“What should we call her?” Celeste asked, looking at me. She peered at me more than I would peer at myself in the mirror. Almost all the time. 

I smiled at her, “what do you think?” Her expressions froze, and she looked away. That was the nth time she did that. “Umm. Did I ask something wrong?”

 “No, she is shy when you talk to her,” Yule said, elbowing Celeste.

“Shy? Why?” I asked, confused.

 “We all are shy around you because you are the prettiest lady we have ever seen. Prettier than roses too. Roses are Celeste’s favourite flowers. She is adoring you and when you talk to her, she is shy. Flowers don’t talk back, but you do. Brother Yule and Jade can control ourselves, but Celeste… she can’t,” Jade giggled, teasing Celeste.

More than them, I turned red hearing such raw compliments from kids.

“You don’t need to be shy, Celeste…”

Her face turned impassive again, “then please allow me to adore you. I hope you don’t mind me. Words won’t stop when I look at you.”

I blinked cluelessly, my heart pulsating against my ribs.

“Oh, oh. I wanna hear.” Jade said and looked at Celeste. 

“Me too…” Yule too looked at Celeste with sparkling eyes. 

Lucella, who was making medicines, stopped and looked at Celeste with a soft smile too. 

Celeste’s gaze bewitched mine, and I didn’t know why I felt a strange nervousness take over me.

“I am not sure if I know the right words that could describe you, but when I look at you, my eyes question me. Are you a veritable angel, or are you a beautiful dream? If you are a dream, I wish to be allured into an eternal sleep. If you are real, then I wish the sleep never comes to me…”

I dropped my gaze. She was just a kid, but I felt as if my heart was being torn apart by her words.

“… a starry night will envy the mysterious darkness of your hair that slithers down your shoulders to your waist. Hazel eyes that remain partially eclipsed by your eyelids mock the flames that flicker in calmness, while the flames in your eyes are ablaze, even in the deadliest storms. Your naturally rosy lips force roses to turn into buds and reinvent their beauty. The words that kiss your lips before parting from you forever. Are they whispers of the universe or a song of salvation?”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and the fact that it came from a twelve-year-old kid. Tears misted my eyes.

What is happening to me right now? I thought. They were mere words, but… I didn’t even know what was happening to me as I heard them.

“Pardon my lips that offend your exquisite beauty using mere words of mortals. The etherealness you possess needs words to descend from heavens like hymns to do a little justice to your godly existence.”

.

… 

…..

…

.

No words. 

No feelings. 

I became completely empty, numb. I didn’t know anymore. I didn’t want to.

“Celeste!” I flinched at Amor’s voice.

Amor was standing, leaning against the doorframe. How long had he been there?

He walked in. The kids got down from the bed and stood in a bow. I was sitting on the bed with my legs folded on one side, still drunk on those bewitching words from Celeste.

Her tone was as melodious as a soft funeral song. Not made to kill the alive, but made for the peace of the dead.

Even though he was there, I kept peering at Celeste. My chest was set ablaze. Something in me was melting me as her words replayed in my head again and again.

Lucella had a very subtle smile on her face. It was not me, but Celeste’s words that spellbound everyone in the room.

I didn’t deserve those words. She was humble enough to honour me with them. That was what I thought back then. 

“Roses were your obsession. When did my to-be-wife replace them?” Amor asked matter-of-factly.

“Pardon me, brother Amor. Lady Zeve is one and only in this world. I wonder if the beauty of the day, that is described in books, is anything before hers. She is not my obsession, neither are roses. The right word for them is admiration,” Celeste said in her normal voice. It wasn’t like the one she used to compliment me. Something about her was so open, yet so mysterious. 

“Don’t waste your words on her. She doesn’t deserve any of them…” His words poured like poison in my chest.

“Amor!” Lucella interrupted Amor.

Amor looked at Lucella and then at me.

“Celeste complimented her. Those words were for her. Compliments are given, but they are honoured only when they are accepted. Ask her if she accepted any compliment Celeste gave her. I am telling you what she would be thinking right now — I don’t deserve these compliments. She is wasting time on a hopeless case like me. Ask her if I am wrong?” His tone was rough and mocking.

The uneasiness took over me.

How did he know my exact thoughts? But why did he say that before that innocent kid? What would she think about me? I looked at her and I could see his question reflect in her innocent eyes.

With a quick breath, I drooped my eyes. I got down from the bed and trudged outside the room.

 I had walked for a little while in the hallway, when Amor seized my arms and turned me around to face him, “who permitted you to leave the room?”

His face blurred in front of me. Tears streamed down my cheeks incessantly.

He tensed his brows and tightened his grip on my arms. It hurt, but not more than the pain that was killing me from inside. He yanked me closer to him.

“Why?” His voice was fainter than a whisper.

I gasped for breath. No words came out of my throat or in my thoughts. I didn’t know why I was crying. I was completely lost. I just wanted to be alone.

“I asked why are you crying now? What new drama is this?”

My throat hurt when I breathed. How could I speak? He pinned me against the wall.

“Why?” He asked again.

 I wish I knew why.

 My fists, my struggle to get off his grip, loosened. I slid down the wall. My silent whimpers turned into suffocating sobs. I brought my knees close to my chest, hugging them.

He stood in front of me. I wish what I was going through was a drama, an act. I wished that from the core of my soul. More than anyone else, I wished I didn’t exist.

“Amor! What are you doing to her?” I heard Lucella’s breathless shout. The kids were with her, too, wearing a terrified expression on their faces.

 “Why is she crying?” Yule said in a sad voice.

“Did brother Amor hurt lady Zeve?” Jade said, almost breaking into tears.

“Is it because of me?” Celeste said with hesitation.

I wanted to comfort them and tell them it was nothing, but I needed to calm down and tell that to myself first. 

 “She started crying on her own. I did nothing, I swear,” Amor said.

I got up and ran away from him — from them. I ran as far as I could, taking whichever turn I could in that grand palace.

I ended up coming into the garden. As usual, it was always night. But the sky was a lighter shade of grey. Moist icy winds surfed around my hair. I walked barefoot on the dew drenched grass. Pale bluish surrounding created an abstract surrounding with the dark green and black trees. 

A lone water droplet fell on my nose. I closed my eyes with a flinch. When I opened my eyes, it had started drizzling. The fresh viridian grass crunched beneath my feet.

My gown’s hem drenched faster because of the grass while the rain slowly slid all over me, sticking my hair and clothes to my body. I wandered, losing all awareness about myself. I didn’t know anymore if the water flowing down my eyes was raindrops or tears.

The weather was eerie and cold, yet I felt at ease. As if the rain had numbed all my physical and emotional pain. 

Soon, the lands covered with grass transitioned into a lake. Lotus leaves floated mostly nearer to the land with lotus buds standing among them pridefully.

The rain created thousands of circular ripples in the lake. Those ripples merged into one another and that was the most satisfying thing to watch.

I sat on the grass, curling my knees close to my chest and allowed my right palm to feel the ripples on the lake's surface.

Eventually, it started pouring heavily. Pitter patter on grass was like a natural melody to aid my suffocation. I closed my eyes as all the memories from my past came crashing at me like thunderbolts. The rain was so loud that I didn’t feel the need to suppress my cries or sobs.

Nobody would hear them; nobody would question them. Rain made me feel as if it was ok to cry.

I didn’t feel his gaze that followed me all the way to the garden, the steps he took behind me from a distance. He was behind me when I thought no one was around.

He had been watching me ever since he laid his eyes on me. No matter if he was around me or not, I was always in his sight.

He was drenched in the same rain as I was and that was the only thing common between us. He could neither feel my pain nor hear my truth.

He had made assumptions about me, and I had made assumptions about him. Neither of us were trying to understand one another. But we were trying to find reasons behind each other’s actions and reactions, and all of that was suffocating.

I got up, rain pouring down so badly, as if the sky was my heart and the clouds were my eyes. I cleared my face and took a deep breath, my back still faced him.

“Done with flooding my lake with your tears? I will have to get this lake cleaned later or your tear virus might spread like a plague.”

I turned around to look at him.

The grass had turned slippery because of the rain. I slipped and was about to fall in the lake when he held my waist and yanked me to his chest. I held his shoulders as a reflex.

He glared at me with tense, enraged eyes. Raindrops slithered down his fringes, tracing his blue eyes, his lips, his throat. Later, disappearing into his collars.

I tried to get away from him when he held my arm and pulled my body closer to his. My back arched against his. Panting, I gritted my teeth, struggling out from his grip.

His jaws clenched and unclenched as he peered at me.

My body turned stiff in his arms. “Leave me!”

“On one condition… answer me… why were you crying?”

“Why do you care?” I moaned as he tightened his grip on me. “It’s hurting… let go!” I pushed him away from me and slapped him. “I told you not to touch me!”

 “If I hadn’t, you would have fallen in the lake…”

I clenched my jaws and raised my brows. “I would rather fall to my death than be saved by you. By a person who doesn’t know what mercy is? By a stone hearted man like you…”

He stared at me for some time, then he pushed me into the lake. Water splashed all around me. I brought my head above the water with a gasp. Clearing my eyes, I raked back my hair with my fingers.

I glared at him.

Moments later, he jumped into the lake too. I covered my eyes as water splashed all over me again. 

I didn’t even notice when he had come that close to me. His hand on my back pressed my chest against his.

“You don’t tell me what I should do and not. I am the alpha of this pack and almost all other packs…”

“Why are you torturing me like this? You should have killed me with Chaz. Why are you keeping me alive? It’s suffocating to see you every fucking day! You are suffocating!” I yelled at him, choking on my tears.

His free hand twisted my hand, pinning it on my back. I yelped as tears escaped my eyelids.

“Zeve Amor Blaze…” He said, gritting his teeth and my eyes widened. I glared at him, breathing in the same air as him. “This is going to be your identity. I gave you one week’s time, but no. Not anymore. You have two days.”

I tensed my brow, “why? Why are you doing this to me?”

“Because I want to. Every alpha who takes over a pack has the right to do whatever he wants with the defeated pack. You are nothing special in my eyes. Neither your beauty nor your body is worth Amor Blaze. The only thing that is interesting about you is your hatred for me. With the passionate hatred you glare at me, but now… even that weakened. You tremble all the time, cry all the time. What a weakling you are! I overestimated you. You are not strong. You are nothing, Zeve.”

So that was the reason.

I chuckled in disappointment, “yes, I am weak. What’s new in that? As for tears… a stone hearted like you can never understand what the rain of emotions feels like. Like the clouds in the sky when your chest becomes heavy with indescribable feelings and emotions. No matter how hard you try, you can’t keep on feigning strength… you cry.”

I gave a painful smile with a quick inhale.

“But a person like you can never understand that.”

I shook my head, looking at Amor with pity.

“All you have is arrogance and ego. How would you know what it means to lose someone you loved more than your life? How would you understand the suffocation of seeing his murderer every day, but not being able to avenge him? How would you understand any of this? For understanding them, one needs a heart. And yours? It’s long dead!”

I pushed him away from me when his grip loosened a little.

“Ego? Arrogance? Heartless? At least I have something. What do you have? Tears? Shattering breaths? Wavering confidence? I can’t even pity you. Let me tell you about your future Zeve Amor Blaze. I will marry you and then throw you in some darkest corner of my palace. Darkness is all you deserve. You can rot there for the rest of your life. Wishing you were stronger. Hoping for someone to save you. But no one is coming to save you, Zeve. You will always be Amor Blaze’s luna, nothing else!” He said, gritting his teeth.

I lowered my gaze at his words. I said nothing. He wasn’t wrong. Darkness was where I belonged. But did I deserve it?

“No, I don’t. I don’t deserve the darkness. I have my self-respect. I will never be your luna, never…”

He chuckled with a vicious smirk, “self-respect! You have self-respect! Ha hahaha.”

I clenched my jaws and slapped him. He licked his inner cheek and glared at me.

“Stop it! Please! I am already breaking. How much more do you want me to break?” Thanks to the rain, I needn’t have to hold back my tears.

He scowled at me, grabbing his cheek.

“Zeve!” He seized my arm. “Just because I am going to marry you doesn’t mean I will tolerate you.”

“Why? One slap hurt your pride? Did you forget what I said when you forcefully brought me with you? I said I will make your life hell; I will kill you. Yes, I agreed to marry you to protect the kitten, but what if I don’t keep my promise? What if I kill myself before you kill the kitten? When I die, you can marry my ghost.”

He grabbed and squeezed my cheeks harder. I grabbed his hand.

“Damn you, Zeve! You are so weak, a fucking coward. Always been a coward and will always be a coward. You will die! Huh, my foot!”

“L-leave… me…” I said in an incoherent voice as he squeezed my cheeks harder.

“If you have guts, then live!” He growled.

“Amor…”

“Live and prove me wrong. If you have self-respect, then kill me rather than killing yourself. You are dying, right? Why don’t you put up a last fight before I drag you to the temple and marry you? Come on, Zeve. Next two days. Try everything to kill me.”

He left my cheek with a jerk, and I glided back over the lake.

“If I stay alive, I win. If I die, you win. After that, you are free to decide your fate. I challenge you, Zeve. If you can, then stop me from adding Amor Blaze behind your name.”