Prologue

They say, "God will only give you a problem that you can solve or be able to solve with a smile." And I think the so-called Supreme Being thinks highly of me.

I was young, but I was not happy. I was forcing myself to smile and laugh, to look like a cheerful kid. The truth is, I was not... I am not. I laugh and smile because I have to, I need to... and I want to.

How could my parents disown me? How come that they don't want me when they are the ones who had me, and when they are the ones who showed me this cruel world?

I just wanted to feel the warmth of love without feeling like I was asking and begging for it. I never felt loved to the point that I forgot how to love and be loved by someone.

I put all the unsaid emotions through writing, and there I found a path that I thought will guide me in this life. I thought it was enough. I thought I was starting to have colors again that I had lost while looking for my parents' love, but I didn't. I gained strength through writing and to those who appreciates my work but it wasn't enough for me stand longer and stronger. Because it wasn't a path... but a chase.

The Creator made my life miserable. He, who I have thought that will be on my side... at least, made my life chaotic that even I... I was trying to decipher my own life.

What have I done in my past life to deserve this? I never had my darkest times because my life itself was already dark, lonely, and gloomy.

No one, literally no one asked me if I was okay. For 23 painful years, in my whole existence, no one asked. And it hurts like hell to know that no one cares for you but yourself and I... was lost. I want to tell the world, and to Him, that I was hurting and that I was losing myself. 

Until I met you, you cared for me, you loved me... and you asked me if I was okay. I found a heart that would care for me like I was a fragile glass. You're curious, I know, but you didn't ask anything but for me to be okay.

And that was the most beautiful and serene thing I felt... it was love. 

And before things get out of hand, I have to end my life for Him... and for you because I know that would be the best thing to do. I have to die... before I feel a stronger will to stay here with you, before I become happier than ever, and before I feel a strong longing for you.

Because you're my biggest love, my forever love, and my greatest love. You're my home. At kahit na hindi na muli akong makauwi sa'yo, ikaw pa rin ang tahanan ko.