02

"Sinong nakatingin sa'yo?" ulit niya.

"Huh?" ang puso ko ay parang malalaglag na sa kaba.

"Huh?" Did he just mock me?

"Huh?" and why do I keep saying huh?! 

"One cocktail of this too, Martin," he said while chuckling.

I blinked twice before I removed my stare at him. "You know him?" I asked, pertaining to the bartender.

"Hmm, kind of," he unsurely said.

"Ah..." Sabi ko at umusog ng konti pakaliwa dahil magkadikit na pala ang braso namin.

"Sinong nakatingin sa'yo?" inulit niya pa ang tanong na para bang interesado talaga siya sa isasagot ko.

"Ah, ikaw." I blinked twice when I realized that I answered too fast and so honestly. "I... I mean, ikaw ba may nakatingin ba sa 'yo?" I reasoned out. That was so dumb, Alessia.

"Wala naman. Ikaw ba?" he's teasing me with those smirk and tone.

"Wala rin naman," hindi pa ako nagpatalo.

"Why are you still here? It's already 2 AM." He said after looking at his wrist watch.

"Uhm, something's bothering me." I sipped at my cocktail.

"Ah, it must be the 'bakit kaya siya nakatingin sa'kin?' guy." He turned his gaze on me.

"Yes," it caught me off guard.

"Was it me?" He asked as soon as I finished answering his first question.

"Yes." I almost choked when I realized what I have said. He was talking so fast, so I can't help but answer quickly too! It's as if we are on a fast talk segment show. It was late when I realized that he was implementing those moves to caught me off guard.

Nakakabingi ang katahimikan. Ako na masama ang loob sa kaniya pero tahimik lang, habang siya ay pangisi-ngisi lang habang pinaglalaruan ang yelo sa alak niya.

"How was your day?" I was stunned at his question.

"My day? It was great." I awkwardly smile. "How about you?"

"Uhm, meaningful... This day was more meaningful than ever," he uttered. I honestly didn't get his point, but I put the meaning as a great one.

"Were your previous days incoherent?" I asked.

"It was fine... but not great," I can't believe I was talking these things with him. "How about your previous days?"

"It was meaningless," I responded honestly.

It was the first time someone asked me about how my days were. It was a new feeling. I can't believe that asking someone's day can be this touching.

"Was setting yourself at this great risk have put something majestic in your life?" He stared at me for a second, and I gulped when he removed those gazes at me.

"Of course. I already bite the bullet. It was a great risk after all," I confidently said.

"Great risk..." he whispered.

Pagkatapos no'n ay natahimik muli kami.

My phone rang. "Hold on. Please, excuse me." I smiled at him. He just nodded.

"Hello?" I answered the phone call.

"Alessia, ano oras ka ba makauwi?" boses ni Manang ang sumalubong sa akin.

"Ay Manang. Uuwi na po ako. Bakit niyo pa ho ako hinintay? Alas tres na ho, oh," nag-aalala kong sabi.

"Mag-aalas tres na nga kaya umuwi ka na, naku kang bata ka." Napangiti ako sa sinabi niya.

"Opo, Manang. Huwag niyo na po akong hintayin, uuwi na po ako." Ibinaba ko ang tawag.

"Maximus, what time are you coming home? I have to go now." I sat down next to him.

"I'll give you a ride." He suggested.

"No, it's okay. I'll hail a cab." I insisted.

"It's already 3 AM. It'll be hard and unsafe. Let me give you a ride." He urged.

I scratched my head and... I just found myself sitting awkwardly at Maximus' car, in his shotgun seat.

I told him my address and he started driving.

"Where's your manager? Why aren't you home?" I curiously asked.

"Uh, they are probably busy cleaning my mess." He chuckled. "I can't go home for a while because the hotel I'm living had an emergency. It's probably chaotic there."

"Then where are you living right now?" I asked.

"Ah, near pa rin doon," conyong sabi niya.

"Ah, okay, akala ko far pa ro'n," ngumisi ako.

He chuckled at my poor teasing skills.

The silence was defeaning. I sighed and faced the window and saw those tall and big street lights. Umaambon pala.

After a moment of quietness, the car stopped. We're here. I faced him. "Thank you for the ride, Maximus." I smiled at him genuinely.

"No problem." 

I unbuckled my seat belt, and so did he.

"Your house is enormous," we're in front of our big gate.

"My parent's house," I corrected him.

It's awkward, but I can't feel it. We're smiling at each other as if we're in a courting phase.

"I should probably go in, or Manang will give me an endless earful." I chuckled.

"Hmm, see you!" He waved at me and went inside his car.

I stayed at my place to see him off. Before he left, he once again waved at me with a smile, and so did I.

Nang umarangkada na ang kotse niya ay nakangiwi kong ibinaba ang kamay. Mukha akong tanga.

Binuksan ko ang gate at nilakad ang napakahabang entrance ng bahay. Tahimik kong binuksan ang pinto pero ang nakabusangot na si Manang ang sumalubong sa akin.

"Good morning, Manang." Itinaas ko ang kamay at nginiwian siya pero pinalo niya ang puwet ko. 

"Good morning ka riyan. Inumin mo ang gatas na itinimpla ko at matulog na," sabi niya at nilayasan ako.

Pumunta ako sa dining room at ininom ang gatas. Umakyat na ako sa kwarto ko at ginapang ang sahig papuntang kama. Ngayon ko lang naramdaman ang pagod.

Bagaman pagod ay nagbihis pa rin ako ng pantulog at doon ay humiga na sa kama at ipinikit ang mata. Himala ay nakatulog din ako agad. Dahil siguro sa sobrang pagod.

"ALESSIA, NILALAGNAT ka," naalimpungatan ako nang may malamig na kung ano ang dumapo sa mukha ko. Ramdam ko ang lamig ngunit ramdam ko ring pawisan ako. Hirap kong idinilat ang mga mata.

Pinupunasan ni Manang ang mukha ko. Nang maayos na ang paningin ay bumangon ako pero pinigilan ako ni Manang. "Huwag ka munang mag gagagalaw, naku kang bata ka." I didn't mind her remarks.

"Ano oras na po, Manang?" Kinuha ko ang ibinigay na tubig ni Manang at ininom iyon.

"Alas dos na." Inilagay niya ang palad sa leeg at noo ko. "Naku kang bata ka, ang taas ng lagnat mo. Kainin mo muna ito at inumin ang gamot pagkatapos." Ibinigay niya sa akin ang bagong lutong lugaw.

Hindi na ako nagreklamo pa at kinain na lang iyon bagaman walang gana. Ininom ko rin ang gamot na ibinigay niya at muli niya akong pinahiga para patulugin.

"NASAAN SI Alessia?!" Naalimpungatan na naman ako dahil sa sigaw ni Mama.

"Ma'am, nilalagnat po ang bata. Pagpahingahin po muna natin." Pakikipagtalo ni Manang.

Pinilit kong bumangon para kuhain ang cellphone ko. Gamit ang cellphone ay tinignan ko ang oras. Alas kwatro pa lang. 

"Huwag kang mas marunong pa, Manang. Let me in!" Sumakit ang ulo ko sa tinis ng boses ni Mama.

"Ma'am, 'wag na po natin pahirapan pa ang bata. Kawawa naman," may kung ano ang tumutunog sa labas. Siguro ay pinipigilan ni Manang si Mama na pumasok sa aking kwarto.

"Do you want me to fire you?! Stop your shit and let me in!" Malakas na kalabog ang narinig ko.

Bumukas ang pinto ng kwarto ko at sumalubong sa akin ang galit na mukha ni Mama at naaasar na mukha ni Manang. "Naku talagang nanay 'to." Kinamot ni Manang ang ulo at nginiwian ako. Tinanguan ko lang siya bilang pagsasabi na okay lang ako.

"Hindi ba sinabi kong itigil at umatras ka na riyan sa kalokohan mo?!" Dinuro at sinigawan niya ako.

Napapikit ako nang maramdaman ang matinding pagsakit ng ulo.

"Stop screaming, will you? You're giving me a headache. We're near each other," I calmly said.

"Are you telling me to shut up?! You're so disrespectful! I'm your mother—"

"Then act like one!" I cut her off. "Stop being a hypocrite! You're expecting me to give you my full respect, yet you aren't even showing any respect for me?" 

She was stunned. "Respect for you? Do you hear yourself?" She clicked her tongue. ''You just crossed the line, Alessia Swayze!"

I stood up. "No, you did!" After that screaming, I felt dizzy. I held my head. "Don't be mistaken, Mom." I smirked. "We never had a line to be crossed in the first place because you keep on chasing me... we are in the same spot, so you're in my territory," I said every word emphatically. Afterward, I felt having the sensation of spinning. "How far will you go really?"

"How dare you say that?" She scoffed in disbelief. "I could destroy your life even if you're my daughter. Stop dreaming, Alessia. I'm your mother. And I... I can take this even further." She's saying unbelievable and stupid things again.

"I'm a damaged ass person. Destory me all you want. I have nothing to lose to begin with. And you... don't call yourself a mother to me at least!" Despite the hardship because of my headache, I managed to leveled my face to her. Palakas nang palakas ang sigaw namin bawat sagutan.

She slapped me. "Respect me if you still want to be here in my home!"

"You call this a home? You could even barely tell this is a house." I chuckled. "Anywhere would be less frightening than this house because you're that scary crazy witch hellcat monster in this haunted mansion." Those harsh, and cruel words drove her even more insane, so once again, she slapped me. She was about talk again when I stopped her. "You never really respect me, do you? In that case, how am I supposed to respect you? I once wished to be the perfect daughter to you... someone gave me that image of an admirable mom and loving dad to the both of you... nasa imahinasyon ko lang pala ang mga imahe niyong 'yon. You never cared for me... you never loved me. But I... I acknowledged you. I forced myself to understand you even though you're unreasonable at all times! You never understood me, and you never had the urge to understand me. You had me... but I was never your daughter..." I felt my hands shaking and my knees trembling. "Pagod na pagod na akong ipakita sa inyo 'yung pinapatunayan ko!" Nanlulumo ako ng sobra. "Na dapat wala naman... dahil anak niyo ako..."

"Curse me all you want. But you're monstrous than me, Alessia. No matter how wench I am, I'm still your mother. And I regretted having you. You made me suffer. You're the misfortune I wished I never had," she said those words without a shred of doubt.

"Then kill me. You should've killed me. You should've aborted me. Why show me this brutal world? Why?!" I couldn't stop my tears from flowing. How could she say that?

"To make you suffer too." Those foolish, ignorant words made me furious.

I clicked my tongue and smirked. "To make me suffer? Do you hear yourself, you imbecile mom? Why? Was it my fault I was born? I never asked you to have me and even if I have the opportunity or the right to say na 'please, have me' ay hindi ko na papangarapin pang sabihin iyon... lalo na kung kayo lang din naman ang magiging magulang ko. I regret having you as a mom too. Akala mo ikaw lang? This ill-fated relationship between us... I hope in our next life won't happen again. Tama na. Nakakapagod. Pagod na ako. Saksakin niyo na lang ako. Patayin niyo na lang ako..."

"Alessia!" Bago pa ako tuluyang matumba ay nasalo na ako ni Manang. Then, my vision went black.

IMINULAT KO ang aking mga mata. Sumalubong sa akin ang puting kisame. Iginalaw ko ang aking katawan at naramdamang may kung anong nakakabit sa kamay at braso ko.

"Naku kang bata ka." That remarks welcomed me. "Buti ay nagising ka na."

Nasa hospital kami. "Binigyan ka ng IV drip. Dehydrated kang bata ka. Masyado mo ring pinapagod ang sarili mo tapos ay palagi ka pang puyat. Gusto mo na bang mamatay?" seryoso niyang sabi.

Gusto kong tumawa pero nanghihina pa rin ako kaya naman nginitian ko na lang si Manang. Nginitian niya rin ako at inayos niya ang hibla ng buhok ko na napunta na sa mukha ko. Then she caressed my hair and cheeks. The unfamiliar warmth greets me.

Ipinikit ko ang mga mata at dinama ang init na kailanman ay hindi ko naramdaman.

Ilang oras din akong nagpahinga at naging komportable sa hospital pero sinabi ko kay Manang na gusto ko nang umuwi. Ipinilit pa niya na rito muna ako magpalipas ng gabi pero ang sabi ko ay sa bahay na lang. Alas diyes na ng gabi nang umuwi kami sa bahay. 

When I arrived, our deserted mansion embraced me. It feels so empty, yet it feels very chaotic at the same time.

Ipinilit ni Manang na paglulutuan niya ako ng hapunan pero sinabi kong busog pa ako sa lugaw na ibinigay niya kanina. Hindi na niya ako pinagalitan pa dahil pagkapasok ko pa lang sa bahay namin ay alam niya na ang nararamdaman ko.

"Inumin mo na lang ito." Iniabot niya sa akin ang gatas. Kinuha ko iyon at ininom ng diretso.

Umakyat na ako sa kwarto ko at humiga sa kama. Nang gabing iyon ay sigurado akong pagtangis ko lamang ang tanging tunog na maririnig sa hallway ng kwarto ko.

I don't need someone to comfort me, but whenever I realize that no one's going to do that for me and that no one's willing to solace me, I feel so miserable, and it hurts me so bad. Why is life so unfair to me? Why is the world so mean to me?

I keep asking and begging Him to please help me heal because I'm badly hurt. I'm full of wounds and scars, but no one answered me.

If only... only they could see it from my point of view, they would feel, see... and realize how it hurts... and why it hurts so bad.

I regretted some of the things I have said a little while ago but half of me says she deserves it. If only I wasn't born. If only I was aborted. If only I was murdered. If only I was killed by my own family... I wouldn't suffer this much... like this.

He gave me a mother that I would always want but would never set one's heart on me.

She always tells me that she would never look at me with fondness and affection, but I still loved her. I always love her.

The warmth that I always wanted to feel was hers. It was a mom's love, the warm hand with a love of a mother. The maternal bond I've always desired.

Nakatulog din ako matapos umiyak.