4. Stay With Me

Let go Finn! 

—-  Let go!

Come!

—-    Follow me!

Remember who you used to be!  Come Finn!  

You know you want it!

Just one more time! What's the harm?

Finn tried to escape his nightmare, clawing and screaming.  He was reduced to begging, "Please let me go! Release me.  This is not my life anymore.  I want to live!"

The nightmare continued down a darker path.    He could smell the alcohol and saw the lines of powder everywhere.  Calling him.  Pulling him in.  It felt too real. 

He was drowning in his own tears and was sucked down another black hole and was slammed against a wall.  A strong arm pinned him to the wall and he felt tremendous pain as glass shards attacked every inch of his exposed body.  

Screaming in pain and weak from the frenzy of the dream, he woke up curled in a ball on the floor in Lili's intensive care room.  He was breathing heavy and he felt the pounding of his chest.  

He felt someone near as he came out of the deep sleep he was in and heard a soft voice, "Mr. Finnegan, you were having a nightmare.  It's ok."

Finn tried to wipe away the cobwebs in his brain and said, "Yeah, it was really bad."  

"I was just bringing in the recliner so that you could sleep here in her room.  Glad I found you when I did." 

"Yeah, me too!" Finn whispered.  Gaining a bit of strength as he stood up he said, "Thanks!  I  really appreciate the chair."

The nurse looked at him with a mixture of pity  and fascination.  Before she left she stated, "Your welcome.  If you need to shower, I will be at the nurses station and can let you into the family shower room.  Oh, my name is Elle, should you need anything."

He politely thanked her and figured that she was right.  He would need to shower soon, especially after being on the hospital floor.  

Standing alone, Finn ran his hands through his black hair and fleetingly thought, 'I need to be careful.'  He felt an impending doom hover over him as the residual dream effects lingered in his thoughts.  He was scared of the man he used to be and the utter destruction he could cause in Lili's life.  

He took his boots off and placed his flannel on top of his duffel bag before sitting back down next to Lili and he started to tell her stories from when he was a kid growing up just outside of Philly.  

He squeezed her hand as he continued, "Not sure the last time I walked through Reading Terminal but I think you would love all of the smells and the cheesesteaks, oh and the pretzels.  I can smell them now.  Oh, and the fresh donuts, made right there."  He paused and laughed as he went on, "It's crazy, but the line wraps around the counter to get those things.  It's so worth it.  You could eat three and put on ten pounds and beg for more."  

He looked at her face and brushed her hair away from her face and whispered, "I know the doctors say to keep talking to you, but it seems so foolish.  I wish I could change the events of today and take your place now.  This, it just, … Well, damn it!  This hurts too much."

He wiped tears away for the thousandth time today.  What was wrong with him?  

He pushed through and mentioned another of his favorite spots, "And at Christmas, well the city is magical with its lights and outdoor market places, potato pancakes and Glühwein .  Yeah, it's gross but a tradition worth suffering through every year.  Hmmm!  Roasted nuts and the ice skating rink.  Vendors with their wares.  It's bitter cold, but if we were together, well…". His voice trailed off.   

The wall clock indicated that it was 3 am and he figured that he should try to get some sleep.  He plugged his phone in to charge it and decided to throw his shorts on, before he sat in the recliner.  Suddenly fear enveloped him, as he thought about falling asleep again. What if the nightmares return?

Not ready to chance his nightmares so soon, he flipped through his phone playing games and reading the news until his eyes grew so heavy, he stopped fighting it and leaned back in the recliner and let sleep take over.

His body was so exhausted that it didn't matter to his 6'2" frame that the recliner was too small and uncomfortable.  The damage to his body and mind needed to rest and outweighed the non ideal sleeping conditions.  

Elle checked in on both of them prior to her shift ending, looking on with envy, wishing a man would look at her so lovingly; the way Finn looked at Lili.  Lost in her thoughts, she lingered in the doorway and watched both of them for a moment longer, when Lili's alarms started blaring. 

She was flatlining!

Elle called for back up and woke Finn, saying, "We need the room.  Please wait outside."

Finn could do nothing but watch as the doctors and nurses fought to save Lili's life.  Seconds turned to minutes that felt excruciatingly like hours twisting into days. 

His adrenaline was pulsing through his body and he could feel his heart jumping around in his chest.  Wave after wave of anxiety crashed over him as he watch the screen, small blip and flat line followed by the same pattern over and over again.  

He held his breath and wiped more tears away from his eyes.  She wasn't even his but he promised he'd look after her and in this moment he was failing miserably.  

Finn watched in horror from the corridor and saw hoses and tubes, syringes and he heard words and commands that he couldn't comprehend.  It was all chaos in his mind and he was trying to stay focused. He couldn't follow their progress to understand if she would make it through.  

Finn was lost in the moment.  

It was too much for him to take in.  Closing his eyes, for the second time in forever, he prayed to a God he struggled with.  He prayed to a God he couldn't comprehend but needed.  He begged for her life and for her to come back to him.

He didn't stop praying and crying.

Finn's forehead was resting on the glass window, separating him from her.  His eyes were tightly sealed but were leaking constant tears while he remained in prayer.  The noises surrounding him faded as he drew deeper into his thoughts, temporarily finding a quiet peace.

He wasn't sure how long he stood waiting for Lili  to breathe but Elle placed her hand on his shoulder and said, "Mr. Finnegan.  She's stable now.  When the nurses finish packing up the equipment you can go back in."

Dumbfounded.  He lost his composure again, crying even harder and just nodded to her.  He couldn't even ask Elle what had happened.  He remained speechless as they cleared out of her room and waited until he could sit back down next to her.  

He sat there and played with her hair and held her hand.  He whispered, "I can't lose you! Stay with me Lili."

He stood up and gently kissed her forehead and brushed her cheek, saying again, "Stay with me! Stay with me."

"Stay with me!"