Chapter 10: It's Not You, It's Me

"The hell?" Josh said under his breath. He was trying to figure out what just happened. He knew it was a dick thing to do to take the call, but Wes, being Wes, wouldn't stop calling until he answered, so he might as well just get it over with. She had been on the same page, same line, right there with him, and all of a sudden she was gone.

"Knew I shouldn't have taken that call," he muttered as he got out. When he saw her still outside, he hollered at her and started running her way, "Hey! Wait up!" Only she didn't slow down. What the hell?

Reaching out, Josh grabbed her hand, and when she flinched, he felt like shit. He realized she didn't want him to be touching her. Maybe he'd read everything wrong. Still he needed to get to the bottom of it all. "Sorry about that. My roommate isn't the brightest."

"It's fine. I needed to go anyway. Listen, Josh, you're great. I really like you, but this just isn't going to work."

"Because of a phone call?"

She looked at him with sad eyes, "No, not because of the call. I really like you, and you're a great guy, but we shouldn't have gone out."

Well, if that didn't just feel like a sucker punch. "Okay then."

"Listen, it's not you. I had a good time, and walking away is one of the hardest things I've done, but it's all me..." Payton shook her head, "So stupid, 'it's not you, it's me.' I swear it's true, though. You don't want me anyway. I'm not the kind of girl you need in your life."

"Don't you think I should get to decide?"

Payton just shook her head. If that's the way it was, then so be it. He wasn't the kind of guy to force her to listen. If she'd already made up her mind, then it was time to let it go. He thought the whole thing seemed fishy, but he wasn't one of those guys who made someone give them an answer until they were happy with it. If the answer was no, it was no.

He felt her squeeze his hand, "I've gotta go. Thanks for a wonderful night."

"Yeah, goodnight."

As she made her way into her building, Josh felt like something was off. He felt connected to her in a way he'd never felt connected to anyone else. There was something about her that called to him.

With every step he took to his apartment, the anger boiled up. What the hell had Wes been thinking? By the time Josh walked the ten minutes to his place, he'd felt the whole gamut of emotions; he started with confused, had gone to angry, and finally annoyed. When he entered his place, everyone was in the living room, everyone but Wes.

"How'd it go, man?" Zander asked.

Josh ran a hand through his hair, "Don't ask. I'm going to bed."

As Josh turned to head up the stairs, Wes appeared. Instead of stepping aside, he just walked past him letting his shoulder bump into him, not so lightly.

"Shit man, I'm sorry. Honest, I didn't know."

Josh couldn't say anything. He just wanted to go to bed, put this whole sorry night behind him. Taking the stairs two at a time, he headed to his room, changed and crawled into bed. He honestly had no fucking clue what had happened, and he wondered if staring at the ridges in the ceiling would make it all clear. After an hour of looking for answers in the cracks and ridges, he decided the ceiling didn't have the answers to the universe after all, and maybe the answer was in the shower.

*

Payton wiped the lone tear from her eye before she slipped her key in the door. She was actually proud of herself for keeping it that together. Telling Josh she didn't want to be with him was harder than she thought it'd be. With how hard he'd worked to get her to go out with him, she was a little surprised with how easily he'd just given in to her lame excuse and let her go. He wasn't even angry with her. Sure, she'd hurt him. That much was clear; it was written all over his face.

When she opened the door, she was surprised that Hailey wasn't ready to pounce. She was sure that her roommate would want all the details of her failed night. Taking it as a gift from above, she quickly went into the bathroom and locked it. It wouldn't be unlike Hailey to just barge in even when she was behind a closed door in the bathroom. Payton sank to the floor and hugged her knees.

After several minutes and more tears, Payton asked herself, "What are you doing down here, Payton? You're the one who told him to take a hike." she sniffed, "Get your shit together."

A knock at the door made her jump.

"Uh, Payton?"

"Who else would it be?" she asked sarcastically. "I'll be out in a bit. I'm gonna shower."

"How was your date?"

"Fine."

She turned on the shower and undressed. As she stepped in, she felt as if the world was crashing down around her. She let the silent sobs escape her knowing she had to get it out now. Payton didn't even want to know what Hailey would have to say about it all, best if she could put a lid on it and deflect.

As soon as she got herself under control again, she finished up, headed for the bedroom, and got into bed. Hailey was just coming in the room when she rolled over to face the wall.

"What's wrong? Was he an ass?"

"No, he was very polite."

Hailey sat down on the edge of her bed and put her hand on her back to try and comfort her, "Then why are you so upset?"

"Because. I don't really want to talk right now, okay? Can we wait until tomorrow to have the big date debriefing?"

"Sure."

Payton slipped into a fitful sleep. She tossed and turned, but couldn't make herself get comfortable. Every time she drifted off, something woke her. It was well after 3:00 a.m., and she knew that it was pointless to try and sleep. She had something she had to do before she could.

Making her way into the living room, Payton closed the door behind her and flipped on the lamp. She sat down on the sofa and pulled her laptop over to turn it on. Before she knew it, she'd found Josh's name and contact information in the online student directory, and she had an email open and started.

To: Joshua Portwood

Subject: Sorry

Hey Josh,

I've been lying in bed for the past several hours trying to sleep, and I can't. I know it's because I owe you an explanation, more than the crap answer I gave you, but I honestly can't even explain it to myself. I have no idea how to even begin. Truth, I really like you, like more than anyone I've ever known, but I can't be with you. It would be cruel for me to lead you on, so that's why it's best if we just don't see each other. It wasn't some stupid line, the whole "it's not you, it's me" thing. It really is that. I don't really do the whole dating thing. I know it sounds stupid, and I don't expect you to understand. Like I told you, it was just me and Mom growing up, and I've always felt like I need to make sure I can take care of myself before I allow any guy to be a part of my life. I don't ever want to be put in the same position my Mom was put in. I should have made that clear before things got out of hand. Just know that if I did date, I'd date you. I'm so sorry about everything. I know that will never be good enough.

Payton

*

Waking extra early after a horrible night's sleep, Josh decided the only thing to do was go for a run. Since no one was up, he went alone, and it gave him the perfect opportunity to go and clear his head. The whole night just kept playing over and over in his head. He tried to nail down the exact moment it went south, but he couldn't put his finger on it. Sure, the call had been a pain in the ass, but it wouldn't cause a complete shutdown.

Forty-five minutes of running had done nothing but make Josh tired. He was no closer to figuring anything out, and nothing was clear. At least now he was too tired to care. He trudged into his apartment, showered and went to his room to do some homework. He was so worn out he only had energy enough to glare at Wes. He really should give him a break since it probably wasn't the guy's fault.

After a long, hot shower, he sat down at his desk to start his homework. Trying to put it off as long as possible, he decided to check his Facebook and email. To say he was shocked there was a message from Payton would be an understatement. He was certain he'd never see or hear from her again. Since the subject was "Sorry," he was sure she wasn't chewing him out. Maybe it wasn't bad and worth the read. He was shocked by what he read; it took him three goes before he even started a reply.

To: Payton Whitmore

Subject: RE: Sorry

You don't have to apologize for last night. You don't ever have to be sorry for the way you feel. I get what you're saying, but you do know that I would never put you in any kind of position where you couldn't take care of yourself. I respect you too much to do that to you. Why can't you just give this a shot? We can go as slow as you need to. I'm not sure I can handle being just friends, but if that's all I get, I guess that'll have to do. I really think we can make it work, though.

Josh

*

Payton reread the email Josh had sent her and wondered just what she'd gotten herself into. Logically in her head, she knew that Josh would never do anything to disrespect her or her boundaries. It was her reaction to him the night before that brought everything into question. She'd never been attracted to a guy like that, and she'd never wanted to give up the silly notion she'd set for herself. She realized that girls her age dated all the time, were even having sex, and they had happy, healthy lives. Most of them had even avoided pregnancy. So it could be done. The question Payton had to answer was, did she want to take that step? With everything going on in her life right now, she just wasn't sure it was the right time.

"Hey, whatcha reading?" Hailey asked. "Oh, my holy butt monkey! What the hell happened last night?"

Payton shut the lid to her laptop and turned to glare at her roommate, "It's not nice to read over someone's shoulder. You do know that, right?"

"What happened? I didn't push last night even though I could tell something had because it looked like you needed space, but talk to me. I don't understand what's going on?"

Exasperated, Payton told her, "I told you I didn't want a boyfriend. I told you I don't date, and still you butt in, and made me go out with him."

Hailey grinned, "You like him that much, huh?"

"Yes! I like him that much, okay? Now, will you get that stupid grin off your face, and leave me alone?"

"Sure, whatever you say," she told Payton, but it only made her smile grow bigger.

After taking a bit to cool off, Payton found Hailey and apologized. Of course, Hailey was out for blood and made her spill her guts about everything that had happened on her date.

"Wow, I'm impressed. Don't take this the wrong way, but I didn't think you'd even kiss him last night." Seeing the look on Payton's face, she continued, "Oh come on. You just admitted that you don't date, and you don't do boyfriends. You've told me that so many times over the years when I've tried to set you up, and while I still don't believe you've only had one boyfriend before, I didn't think you'd kiss Josh on your first date."

Payton frowned, "Thanks."

"Whatever girl, get over yourself. You like the guy right?"

"You know I do."

"Then get off your ass and go tell him. Screw waiting until you're older. What if he's Mr. Right? How are you going to feel if you let him go over something stupid? Go talk to him. From what I read, it sounds like he's pretty into you."

Payton hated when her roommate was right. "Yeah, maybe."