Totoo nga talagang nasa huli ang pagsisisi. Dahil iyon ang naramdaman ko pagkatapos. Hirap akong makatulog nang gabing iyon sa kaiisip kung paano'ng hinayaan ko ang sarili kong magpaubaya ng ganoon. Na hinayaan kong manalo ang mapusok na bahagi ng utak ko kaysa ang matinong bahagi.
Maybe I was just carried away with his touch and our closeness. At kasalanan ko rin dahil kahit alam kong hindi dapat at lalo akong mahihirapan at masasaktan, hinayaan ko pa rin ang sarili ko.
I can still feel my skin tingled with his touch. And how I went drunk with his kisses.
Hindi ko alam kung paano ko siya pakikiharapan dahil sa nangyari. Iiwas ako? Iyon na nga ang ginagawa ko. Hindi ko siya ulit papansinin? Eh di lalo akong nagmukhang affected sa nangyari. Affected naman talaga ako pero ayaw kong lalo pang ipahiya ang sarili sa harap niya.
Unsure of what I'm gonna do, I became more conscious of everything around me. Nagiging praning ako tuwing may papa
"What the hell did you do?!"Sigaw ko sa pagkataranta at marahas na lumapit sa pinto. Gulat niya akong tinitigan pabalik, nanlalaki ang mga mata sa sigaw ko."What?"Taranta kong pinihit ang doorknob pero hindi iyon bumubukas. Pero pilit ko pa rin iyong binuksan na para bang himala iyong bubukas kalaunan."Oh, no no no. This is not happening. Damn it!"I felt him behind me but he's my least concern now. The door's locked from outside! Ibig sabihin stucked kaming dalawa rito! I tried knocking sakaling may may makarinig sa labas but to no avail. I turned to Rylle and glared at him."Look what you've done! Paano tayo makakalabas ngayon nito?!" I shouted at him, angry and frustrated."I'm sorry. I didn't know."Nasapo ko ang noo sa kawalang-magawa. Kinapa ko ang bulsa para hanapin ang cellphone pero nanlumo lang nang maalalang nasa bag ko nga pala iyon."Did you bring your phone?" Tanong ko sa kanya, pilit kina
Malakas kong naitulak si Rylle at dagliang nag-ayos ng sarili. He brushed his hair and confidently look at whoever opened the door. Habang ako naman ay ramdam pa ang pamumula ng pisngi sa nangyari! Gosh, we almost got caught!"Eirene, ayos ka lang? Hindi ka na nakabalik sa gym kaya nag-alala ako. At... may kasama ka pala..."I sighed in relief nang malamang si Katie pala ang nagbukas ng pinto. She looked at Rylle hesitantly bago bumaling sa akin. I cleared my head and tried to compose myself."A-Ah, pasensya na Katie. Nasarado ko iyong pinto. Nakalimutan ko iyong bilin mo na sira ang door knob. Kaya hindi kami makalabas," aligaga kong paliwanag.She looked at me curiously. Gusto niya pa yatang itanong kung paano'ng nakasama ko si Rylle dito sa loob pero hindi niya itinuloy. I flashed a fake smile. Iminuwestra niya si Rylle na ipinagkibit-balikat ko nalang. I looked at her meaningfully.Nauna akong lumabas at sumunod naman kalaun
The Intramurals lasted for a week. Naging abala man sa pagiging facilitator ay nag-enjoy naman ako sa panonood sa iba't ibang events kapag tapos na ang mga laro sa table tennis. Madalas kaming magkasama ni Rylle sa panonood tuwing natatapos ang laro.He ended up being the champion for table tennis and I couldn't be more proud of him. Si Aurora naman ay second place over all. Not bad for a first timer like her.We decided to celebrate in a bar near our village. It's a restobar so it's more chill and relaxing than any bars around. Isa pa, we're all of legal age kaya wala namang problema. Balik sa normal classes na kasi sa susunod na linggo kaya naisipan naming gumala habang weekend.Masaya kaming nagkuwentuhan ni Aurora habang si Rylle naman ay nasa tabi ko at pinaglalaruan ang mga daliri ko. It's his favorite gesture. Naaaliw nalang din akong pagmasdan siya sa ginagawa niya."No hard drinks for you," he whispered against my hair.
Tahimik akong sumunod kay Cassandra papunta sa field. We sat on one of the benches. I've got a bad feeling about what she's going to say and I could've just ignored her.Pero ayaw ko rin namang mambastos ng tao kahit gaano kasahol ang mga pinagsasabi niya sa akin sa bar.Here eyes were full of resentment when she looked at me that time. Bagay na hindi ko maintindihan dahil sa pagkakaalam ko wala naman akong naging atraso sa kanya.I know she has a thing for Rylle, halata naman iyon sa ikinikilos niya. At siya rin iyong tipo ng babae na gagawin ang lahat makuha lang ang gusto.I looked at her, carefully guarded with my prejudices of her. Whatever she's going to say, I don't have to believe it. Lalo na at may pakiramdam akong tungkol iyon sa amin ni Rylle."Say whatever you want to say, I don't have much time for this," malamig kong basag sa katahimikan.Her eyes are full of sympathy and pity. Hindi ko mawari kung peke ba ang ipi
I don't know what I should feel as I look at them close to each other. Galit ba ako? Not quite. Nasasaktan? Nagugulat? Of course I should be. I should feel all of those when I see the man I love being touched by other woman.But I just stood there, stunned and unable to move. Gaya ng naramdaman ko nang marinig ko siyang magtapat sa best friend ko.Pero nasaktan man ako noon, nagawa ko pa ring tumalikod at tumakbo palayo. I did not become numb unlike today. Habang tumatagal akong nakatitig unti-unti ko ring narerealize ang mga bagay.Maybe what Cassandra said that day was true. No matter how much I try to deny it to myself, that little part of me knew that it's true.Totoo din naman kasing saka lang niya ako hinabol pagkatapos siyang tanggihan ni Aurora. Hindi ba nga nang ako ang nag-confess sa kanya, wala siyang sinabi? Ano ba'ng ginawa niya noon? Oo nga pala, hinalikan niya ako. Dahil ba naaawa siya sa akin? O dahil nagtatake advantage siya
My eyelids felt heavy and I was lightheaded. Hindi ko tuluyang maimulat ang mga mata ko sa bigat ng mga iyon. Para pa iyong namamaga. I tried to move my hand and it was heavy too, and very painful. I can hear noises around me but I was too out of focus to listen and understand everything. I can also hear sobs from someone.Nasaan ba ako?I tried to lift even just a finger but failed painfully. Nang tuluyan ko namang maimulat ang mga mata ay puti lang ang nakikita. Bahagyang nagkagulo ang mga tao sa paligid at may iilan ang lumapit sa kinahihigaan ko."Ei, anak. Are you finally awake? Oh thank God!" Hagulgol ni Mama."I'll go call the doctor," boses ni Papa.I heard the door opened and closed afterwards. Ilang sandali pa ay muling bumukas ang pinto at dumami ang mga tao sa loob. I could barely move my body and I tried so hard to adjust my vision properly. Nang tuluyang maimulat ang mga mata, una kong nakita si Mama na umiiyak.S
"Ei," Aurora called me softly.I turned my body towards her. Nagagalaw ko na ng maayos ang katawan ko maliban sa mga kamay ko. They would hurt like hell everytime I try to move them."Kumain ka na muna. Hindi ka pa nagbre-breakfast.""Where is Nanay Gracia?" Tanong ko, binalewala ang sinabi niya.I would grow anxious whenever Nanay Gracia's out of my sight. She sighed and put the away the plate full of food. Nakaupo ako sa kama at tulalang pinagmasdan ang mga punong-kahoy sa labas sa pamamagitan ng maliit na bintana."She went out to get a wheelchair. Gusto ka niyang ipasyal sa labas," ngiti niya.I resumed looking at the view outside. Maganda nga ang panahon sa labas at mukhang masarap mamasyal.It's been a month since I got confined. Sa mga panahong iyon, hindi ko man lang magawang lumabas at hayaan ang sariling masinagan ng araw. I roamed my eyes around the dull and colorless room. I smiled bitterly.My hands a
Everything that happened felt like a distant dream. As I look back at those I can't help but feel the pain again. Ang akala kong buhay na kinalimutan ko na, muling nagbalik sa ala-ala ko. How I endured the pain of the first heartbreak, how I got through and surpassed death, and how I gave up my dream. Out of all what happened, ang huli ang pinakamasakit.Muli kong sinubukang gumuhit ng sketches pagkatapos ng aksidente. Pero tuwing ginagawa ko iyon, naninigas ang kamay ko at wala akong maiguhit. At muling magbabalik sa ala-ala ko ang bangungot ng aksidente. Kaya naman hindi ko na ulit sinubukan, sa takot na sundan na naman ng bangungot at sakit.My first few months abroad were not easy. Unti-unti lang naging madali nang madalas kong makasama si Denver. At tuluyan lang akong nakabangon nang sumunod si Aurora para roon din mag-aral. Her decision was abrupt.Alam ko kung gaano kahalaga sa kanya ang Baler at ang makasama ang pamilya. Kaya naman nakapagt
Rylle I always think everything in life is pre-destined. May magbago man dahil sa mga desisyong ginagawa natin, those would always lead to the things meant for us. In a twisted way. That's what I believe growing up. I learned to live with the expectations or people from me. My parents expected us to follow their steps and I've got no problem with that. Maybe because I like what they want us to do too o hindi ko lang talaga alam kung ano ang gusto kong gawin. But when I met Eirene, that belief changed gradually. She is so sure of herself, her decisions and her passion. I have never met anyone before as passionate as she is. I remember the first time I saw her, she was crying while hugging her sketchpad. It was around six in the evening and a friend invited me at his house to play videogames. Nasa dulo ng subdivision ang bahay nila at may madadaanan pang maliit na parke. I stopped when I heard soft sobs from the children's park. S
I didn't think he would actually stay with me even in New York. Alam ko naman na abala rin siya sa negosyong pinamamahalaan niya kaya maiintindihan ko kung hindi niya talaga ako masasamahan. "No I'm not. I'm coming with you no matter what." He would always say that everytime I tell him to just go home for work. Wala nalang din akong magawa dahil hindi siya matinag sa desisyon niya. Isa pa, gusto ko rin naman talaga siyang makasama. "You have no plans in working for LHR again?" He caressed my fingers as he pulled me to his chest. Bukas na ang launch ng aking brand at kahit nasasanay na, hindi ko pa rin maiwasang kabahan. It was a long day of preparing for it and my eyes are a bit heavy. Maaga pa naman pero inaantok na ako sa sobrang pagod. "No, not yet. Hindi ko rin alam. Isa pa, si Santi na ang namamahala noon ngayon. Speaking of, I think he's more capable of handling LHR than me. And I see no reason why my parents won't e
"Akala ko uuwi ka rin?"He lifted his gaze on me. Mula sa laptop ay lumipat ang nanunuri niyang tingin sa akin.I continued checking the designs for the upcoming launch next week. Ang aking mga staff naman ay namamasyal sa iba't ibang tourist spots. Sinusulit ang natitirang mga araw ng pananatili namin dito bago tumulak pa-New York.Ayoko naman ipagkait sa kanila iyon. They worked hard for this fashion week. Alam ko rin ang stress at pressure na pinagdaanan nila, maging successful lang ang event. They should relax atleast bago naman sumabak sa trabaho."Hindi ba kayo sasama, miss? Plano sana naming kumain sa labas kasama kayo," si Len.I can also hear the other staffs' voices in her background, hinihikayat din akong sumama.I would love to come. Kaya lang nangako ako kay Denver na dadalo sa exhibit niya. I still have to prepare for that.Isa pa nandito rin si Rylle na akala ko'y uuwi rin ng Pilipinas pero nagkamali ako.
Warning: SPGI moaned against his lips as I try to cope up with his pace. He pushed me against the wall as his body brushed mine."Rylle... I thought we're going to talk?"Napasinghap ako nang bumaba ang mga halik niya sa leeg ko. He sucked on my skin roughly. I swear it's going to leave a mark there. Ang mga kamay niya'y marahang naglakbay sa katawan ko.He stopped. I almost groaned in protest. Hindi ko na mapirmi ang tingin. Lalo lang akong nalasing sa ginagawa niya.He stared at me intently. Passion and desire reflected his eyes sa kabila ng galit.Para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig sa nakita. I pushed him away. Bakit ko nga ba nakalimutan? We were supposed to talk of why he's angry.Kaunting hawak at halik niya lang nawawala na ako sa katinuan. But not right now. I fought the urge of desire and anticipation of his touch. Kailangan naming mag-usap. Iyon ang nasa isip ko."Yes we will," he went near
Natatawa niyang sinalubong ang yakap ko. I was too shocked and overwhelmed to see him here. I never expected him to be here. Huli naming pagkikita ay noong bago ako umuwi ng Pilipinas para magtrabaho sa LHR. Though we communicate sometimes.Nakangiti kong pinagmasdan ang kabuuan niya. Malaki ang ipinagbago ng katawan niya. He became more bulky and of course masculine. Ang mestiso niyang balat ay mamula-mula. His facial features still the same but they became more define as he aged.My memories with him came in like a whirlwind. Kung paano niyang nakuha ang loob ko sa ilang beses na pag-aaya sa akin na kumain sa labas at magliwaliw.I would always reject him at first. I would always isolate myself from everyone. I was too afraid of getting attached to people again. I was so afraid of being betrayed again.Pero kahit ganoon ay hindi siya sumuko. Parati, pagkatapos ng eskwela, inaaya niya akong mamasyal. Nakukulitan na nga ako sa kanya noon. At
"Ladies and gentlemen, please help me welcome! The brilliant mind behind EL's Clothing Line, Miss Eirene Lopez!"That moment felt like a dream to me. Seeing my designs being worn and recognized by a lot of people, felt like a miracle. Ang akala ko noon habambuhay na magiging malayong panaginip ang tagpong ito. I can't believe here I am, actually living that dream.After I had closure with everything, I decided to chase my first love. I was hesitant in telling Rylle and my parents about it. Kay Rylle dahil alam kong magkakalayo kami pansamantala. At kina Mama at Papa dahil ang alam ko ay tutol sila noong una sa gusto ko."I won't stop you, Ei. Alam kong iyan ang magpapasaya at kukumpleto sa iyo. You have my support," Rylle whispered when I told him about my plan.Napangiti ako sa sayang naramdaman. I don't know if I would be able to endure being far from him. Pero ang nasa isip ko ay madali lang na lilipas ang apat na taon.Hindi na na
I can already feel the tension between my parents. Tila ba alam na nilang dalawa kung ano ang tinutukoy ko. I came here to talk about it with them.More than my eagerness to know the whole truth, I want to give my father the benefit of the doubt. Ayokong magpadalos-dalos at magalit agad without hearing his side of the story.Kung totoo man ang sinasabi ni Simon, na si Papa nga ang dahilan kung bakit na-depress at namatay ang mga magulang niya, I want my father to atleast explain his side."With your reactions, batid ko pong alam na ninyong dalawa ang tinutukoy ko..."I swallowed the lump on my throat. Pilit kong tinatagan ang sarili when I'm about to tell them what really happened in that place. At kung ano'ng mga nalaman ko habang hawak ako ni Simon."Simon told me what you did, Pa. Totoo bang niloko mo po ang tatay niya kaya ito na-depress at namatay?"I didn't even blink as I watched how his expression changed. Nagliko
Hindi ko man tuluyang maintindihan kung paano'ng si Rylle ang nandito ngayon at hindi si Simon, naging panatag ang loob ko. Knowing that everything ended, really, is a great relief.Inalalayan ako ni Rylle pabalik ng kubo. I have yet to ask the details. Hindi ko na yata magagawang maghintay kahit nanghihina pa ang katawan ko mula sa pagtakbo at pagtangkang lumangoy sa dagat."Did he hurt you?" His voice hostile, pigil na pigil ang galit.Sumagi sa isip ko ang ginawang pagpisil ni Simon sa kamay ko. Bukod doon ay wala naman na siyang ginawang pananakit physically sa akin."N-No," I lied.Alam kong hindi niya palalampasin pag sinabi ko ang ginawa ni Simon sa kamay ko. Tama na iyong nahuli na siya."How did you find me?"Marahan akong nakayakap sa kanya. Nakaupo kaming dalawa sa katre'ng hinigaan ko kani-kanina lang. He was caressing my back and my fingers. Kahit papaano ay nawala ang sakit sa mga kamay ko.I s
He continued pacing back and forth in front of me, laughing like a madman. He's more than crazy.I bowed my head as I try to sink in everything he just said. I can choose to not believe him pero ano pang magagawa niyon? I'm about to face my end. There's no point in trying to think wether to believe him or not.Whatever happens, I can't change it anymore. I was trying to console myself through saying that.Hindi ba ganoon naman talaga? Kahit gaano ko ipilit ang gusto kong mangyari, kung iyon ang itinadhana, wala na akong magagawa pa. I don't have the capacity to change anything just because it's not favorable to me.I lifted my gaze to look at him. Mariin siyang nakatitig sa akin habang nakapamaywang sa harap ko. His anger seething like nothing could ever tame it."Is that why you're doing this to me? For revenge dahil sa ginawa ng magulang ko sa iyo? Sapat na dahilan ba iyon para idamay mo ang mga inosenteng tao para lang sa pag