Chapter Five

“Jaxen, sh, sh, sweet boy. You’re not going anywhere. I promise, Jack, you’re staying right here. You’re not going anywhere. I promise, baby, sh, sh, it’s okay.” He wrapped his arms more securely around his small body, gently rocking. “Sh, baby, you’re okay. You’re not going anywhere, Jack. I promise, sweet boy.” Sebastian gently kissed the boy’s head, rocking, calming. Jaxsen lifted his head, eyes clearly shouting assumed betrayal and devastated heartbreak.

“Then why do you still have that lady’s card? Why do you have that out if you’re gonna keep me still?” His voice was small, fragile, and completely unsure. Sebastian sighed and decided honesty was best. The kid had been lied to enough.

“Because, Jack, when I was putting you to bed last night, I saw all the scarring on your legs, arms, and torso. I…I wanted to find out what happened to you without causing you the stress of reliving it. I’m sorry, Jaxsen, you weren’t supposed to see that card. I was stupid for leaving it out. But that’s all, Jack.” Sebastian kissed his forehead and smoothed a lock of hair from his eye.

Jaxsen sniffled and wiped his nose with his sleeve. “You promise? Promise you’re gonna keep me?”

The mixture of hope and fear in his voice cut Sebastian to the core. “I promise, sweet boy.”

Jaxsen nodded then frowned as a sudden thought occurred to him. “Are you…only keeping me because of what that lady said about a debt?”

Sebastian frowned. “You heard all that, huh?”

Jaxsen nodded, his eyes downcast. Sebastian sighed and smoothed down the boy’s fine strands of hair still mussed from sleep. He kissed Jaxsen’s forehead again and took a deep breath. 

“A long time ago your daddy and I worked together,” he began softly.

“You were in the same Marine unit, right?”

“Yes,” he answered with a smile. “We went on all kinds of missions that took us all over the world. Well, one day your daddy and I were on a very dangerous mission and it went very wrong. He saved my life that day. I promised him that one day I’d make it up to him.”

Jaxsen nodded thoughtfully before asking again, “Is that the only reason you’re keeping me?” The dejection in his voice broke Sebastian’s heart. 

“I won’t lie to you, Jaxsen, when I heard what happened to your parents, my promise to your dad was first on my mind. I felt duty and honor bound because taking care of his pride and joy, his son, would be the best way to fulfill that promise. At first. That is not the case now, though, Jaxsen.” He ran a crooked finger down the youthful cheek. Two liquid pools of shimmering, aqua-marine orbs slowly looked at him. 

“The truth is, Jack, that since you’ve gotten here, you’ve helped me quite a bit. More than you’ll ever know. More than I can ever tell you, kiddo.” Two more tears rolled down Jaxsen’s reddened and swollen cheeks, and Sebastian wiped them away with his thumbs.

“Don’t cry, sweet boy.” Jaxsen sniffled, bit down on his lower lip and nodded. “Hey.” Gently he lifted Jaxsen’s chin causing the boy to look at him. “I mean it. I like having you here with me. I want you here with me.”

Jaxsen frowned. “Why? No one else wanted me. They just said I got in the way. They never wanted me around except to hurt me. Why do you want me, Bastian?” Roughly he wiped at his face, frowning at his perceived weakness. 

Sebastian ran a soft hand through Jaxsen’s hair trying to arrange his wording. “Because you shine a light on some very dark places in my soul.” He put Jaxsen’s little hand over his heart. “Because until you came I was very sad, and I hurt very much right here. I do want to fulfill my promise to your dad, Jaxsen, but it’s more than that. Maybe together we can heal.” He forced a smile to ease the moment and asked for a hug. Jaxsen wrapped his arms around Sebastian’s neck, embracing and nuzzling him in happy affection.

“What do you wanna do today, kiddo?” Sebastian set Jaxsen on his feet and stood up to resume making breakfast. Jaxsen shrugged and watched as the card was put on top of the fridge. He wondered why Sebastian kept it. He shook his head and put away the thought. 

“I don’t know. Can we just stay home? Watch movies on the couch together or something?”

Sebastian smiled. “Sounds perfect. Go pick some stuff out and I’ll prepare provisions.”

Sebastian climbed into bed exhausted. He glanced at the clock and sighed loudly. The bright red numbers mocked his brain at this late an hour. He watched the minute flip over. 3:52 a.m. He sighed again. He’d been losing more sleep than he’d care to admit. There were a few months out of the year that didn’t bide well with him. He tended to lock himself away during this time, but found now that that familiar safe guard was no longer a viable option. He had to get up. Put on a smile, make breakfast and do everything he wanted to avoid. And as one such month approached, he found it more difficult to ignore that pain in his chest. 

     Through no fault of his own, Jaxsen’s presence in his daily life reminded him so much of what he lost, that in moments like this he found it difficult to concentrate on what he had now, instead of what he once had.

Sebastian laughed as his five-year-old looked up at him with the biggest grin. It split the little boy’s face in an expression of pure delight. The bright blond hair was brown with mud in varying levels of dryness. His round, baby face was smeared with the same substance, chocolate eyes sparkling. Clothes, arms, and every bit of exposed skin, and likely unexposed skin, was completely covered in mud.

“What did you do?” Daniel Green giggled and showed his little hands to his father. 

“I made a mud pie, Daddy.”

“You made a mud pie? You are a mud pie, child.” Sebastian loved his son’s laugh. “Come on, monster, let’s go get you clean for dinner.”

Sebastian rolled over, burying his face in his pillow. His pillow hid a multitude of tears and this moment was no different. He knew he needed to get up and go before Jaxsen woke. With a heavy soul he wiped away his broken heart and climbed into a steaming shower.

 Jaxsen finally emerged from his room close to eight that morning, his hair smashed against his head and sticking straight up. His Superman pajamas were wrinkled and twisted. He collapsed on to a kitchen chair and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes.

“Morning, sleepy head,” Sebastian said, a smile fully in place, a spatula in hand, a ‘kiss the cook’ apron adorned over his clothing, and Jaxsen’s favorite omelet on the stove.

“Morning, Bastian.” He yawned widely and scratched his head before dropping it on his folded arms supported by the table. Sebastian flipped the omelet and came over to the boy. He smiled and kissed the top of his head before ruffling his hair.

“Sleep well, kiddo?”

Jaxsen looked up. “Yes and no. I woke up a lot. But I slept while I was asleep…if that makes any sense.” He smiled sheepishly.

“I understand your meaning completely, my boy.” Jaxsen smiled almost shyly, Sebastian thought, and looked away. Sebastian went back and turned off the burner before serving breakfast.

After they ate they washed and dried the dishes. Conversation was to a minimum as the few times Jaxsen attempted some conversation, it was clear that wherever Sebastian was, it wasn’t in the kitchen with him doing the dishes. 

“Can I get a Snapple?” Jaxsen asked once everything was put away. 

“Yeah. Then come into the living room.”

Nervousness shot through his whole self. He thought back but couldn’t remember doing anything wrong. He resolved himself to cease the involuntary vibrations in his muscles, the palpitations in his heart. With great anticipation and not just a little apprehension and trepidation, he sat down next to Sebastian clutching the Snapple bottle. His heart was pounding so hard his chest was beginning to hurt, but he promised himself he wouldn’t cry.

“Listen, Jaxsen, I have something really important I have to do today.” Jaxsen frowned. Why did Sebastian seem so sad? He’d noticed he hadn’t been smiling as much even though Jaxsen had been attempting to lighten his eyes from the darkness that had settled there. A few times he thought he’d done it, but it always seemed to return. “I’m going to have my friend come over while I’m gone and stay with you.”

Sebastian pulled the child into his lap when he paled at the mention of being left alone with a stranger. “Hey, sweet boy, it’s okay. I won’t be gone long.” He wrapped his arms around the quivering boy and gently rocked him. 

“How long are you gonna be gone? A couple days?” Jaxsen asked with tears in his eyes.

“What? No.” Sebastian kissed his hairline, the baby soft strands tickling his nose. “No, sweet boy, I’ll only be gone for a few hours.” Try as he might, Jaxsen couldn’t keep his eyes from watering any longer. “Hey, Jack, why the tears?”

Jaxsen shrugged and wiped his face. “I don’t know.” Sebastian swiped away another tear that betrayed him. Jaxsen looked up. “You promise you won’t be gone long?”

“Promise, promise, promise. That’s a triple promise. You know what that means?”

Jaxsen shook his head. “No.”

“It’s impossible to break a triple promise. I won’t be gone long.”

“When are you leav-leaving?” Jaxsen played with the hem of Sebastian’s shirt nervously. 

“In a couple of hours. I’ll feed my growing boy some lunch first. She should be here around one or so. Don’t look so worried, you’ll love her, I promise. She’s amazing.”

Jaxsen nodded and leaned his head on Sebastian’s shoulder. Instantly Sebastian started rocking him, something he learned early on calmed the boy. 

“You’ll be okay, I promise, Jack. I’d never leave you with someone I didn’t trust,” he told the boy in his arms before kissing his temple.

When the doorbell finally sounded, announcing the arrival of this mystery lady with whom was being entitled his care, the anxiety he’d been managing to keep at bay broke free of Jaxsen’s mental levy and felt a heavy dose of consternation spill into his veins. He stayed rigid and quiet as he watched Sebastian get up to answer the door. 

Stop it he chastised himself. You’re not a baby, stop being a baby. He could hear his blood rushing in its circulation. He could hear each heartbeat drumming, as if someone was pounding a bass drum less than an inch from his face. He closed his eyes and concentrated on regulating his breathing and attempting to not throw himself into a panic attack. Vaguely he heard them laughing and conversing somewhere in the distant background. The world seemed secluded from him and suddenly he got the impression of being on the outside looking in. 

Violently his mind screeched to a grinding halt when Sebastian lightly shook his knee to get his attention. He started, his head snapping to the left, frightened azure eyes met worried green ones.