H ow long he stood there on the side of the road he didn’t know, but a sudden movement near the back of the remaining ambulance caught his eye.
Blair! She was all right.He covered the distance between them in a matter of seconds, reaching to take her into his arms and to confirm for himself that she was okay. Her face was smudged with soot, her clothes also, and the indentation of an oxygen mask on her face left him in no doubt she’d been in terrible danger not so very long ago.Blair batted away at his hands as he sought to touch her. Shoving hard at him when he tried again to hold her.“How could you?” she rasped, her voice raw and tears tracking pale lines down her face. “Was this what you meant when you said you’d make me stop working? Was it?”She was hysterical with grief.“Blair, no. How could you think such a thing? I would never do something like this to you. Never,SUMMARYI have a secret. I’m in love with my best friend, but I’ve never told her. Sharing feelings is right up there with all-time terrible things. Instead of saying it, I show her how I feel every day. I watch Big Brother with her. We have scary movie night. I hold her hair when she’s puking. That’s love in my books. Only…she’s not been the same recently, and I don’t know how to fix it. I hope she knows I'd do anything for her.I have a secret. I’m pregnant with my best friend’s baby. One drunken night, one missed birth control, and boom, it’s baby time. I’m thrilled but…Mack is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. He’s celebrated my successes and held me during my trials. His family has become my family. If I'm being honest with myself, I've been in love with him for a long time. But if I tell him I'm having his baby, will it ruin everything?MACK“MAYBE I SHOULD GET A BOOB JOB,” SUNNY MOANS. “OR AT LEAS
MACK HER CO-WORKER WANTS TO FUCK HER. I CAN SMELL IT ON HIM, AND IT MAKESme crazy. I flip the page of the hiring manual.A set of knuckles strikes the wood next to my paper. “Is there an employee issue at the school?”I look up from the desk to see my dad standing with a worried look on his face, his forehead creased with concern. The school is his pet.“No.”“Why are you looking at firing policies? What aren’t you telling me?” He spins the documents out of my hand and searches the text, which he helped write.“I was just looking.” I shove away from the desk and stomp to the window, feeling annoyed and embarrassed. This Brad guy is a peach. Graduated top of his class, from a solid family, clean record. Even his students seem to like him. There’s nothing I can fire him for because wanting to screw your co-worker is not a fireable offense. It should be, but it’s not.“You don’t sound convincing, but I’ll ta
MACKHAD SHE SEEN ME JACKING OFF AND THAT TURNED HER ON SO MUCH THAT SHEhad to fiddle with her clit? The thought makes me lightheaded. Good thing I’m sitting down. It’s also a dangerous path that is going to lead nowhere. I shut that down immediately. No point in entertaining things that aren’t ever going to happen.I turn the volume down on the TV and double check to make sure the show is being recorded. On screen, Jeff massages sunscreen into Jordan’s back. I’m not sure how he’s not getting wood from all that contact with Jordan’s bare skin. He’s got more self-control than me, that’s for damned sure.Like Sunny, Jordan drifts off. Jeff gets up and looks around for a blanket. When he doesn’t find one on the pool deck, he heads inside. Another contestant, Chris, is debating the hot topic of pineapple on pizza with Nina. She hates it, but she would say the sky was green if Chris said it was blue because Chris broke an alliance with her
MACKSUNNY’S ACTING WEIRD, BUT SHE DOESN’T WANT TO OPEN UP TO ME, SO I’Mnot going to push it. Sort of feel like I’m on edge around her these days, which pisses me off. We never used to be like this, and I don’t know why things have changed now. It makes me uneasy. Taking her home is a twofer for me. First, it will get my parents off my neck but second, Mom can sometimes get things out of Sunny that I can’t. My parents have been standing in as parents for Sunny ever since her folks passed away years ago.“We’re here,” I holler as I gently push Sunny over the threshold. She takes a deep breath and pats her stomach as if she’s got a sudden onset of nerves. Like I said, weird.“You okay?” I question quietly. “Your tummy upset?”Her eyes shoot down to where her palm is resting and then quickly up to me. Something like guilt suffuses her face, and her hand drops away right quick. “N-no. Why would you ask that?”I narrow my gaze. “You’
MACK“NINA, THIS EVENT IS SO FUN!” CRIES SANDRA BENNINGTON AS SHE RUNStoward us, her hands outstretched. My date beams and catches the other girl in her arms.“Thank you for saying that. I thought people would find the games dumb. Some people”—she casts an evil look in the direction of her stepbrother, who is trying very hard not to stare at Nina’s chest, which is about to fall out of her dress—“were very skeptical of it all.”“Eric, why are you so dour all the time?” Sandra slaps the man across his biceps. He doesn’t move. “This is supposed to be fun. It’s for charity.” She reaches out her hand to hit me, but I’ve had enough of all this social contact. If one more society woman comes up and rubs her tits on my arm, I’m going to lose it.“He was born dour,” replies Nina.Over her head, Sunny’s eyes meet mine. I jerk my head to the side and then separate myself from Nina. She doesn’t notice as she’s too intent on arguing with Eri
MACKI THOUGHT EATING HER OUT MIGHT CHANGE OUR RELATIONSHIP—OR AT LEASThow we interacted with each other, but in the week that has passed, it seems like nothing is different. We had scary movie and tacos on Tuesday. We watched Big Brother on Sunday where Sunny fell asleep again.There hasn’t been more sex, though, since Sunny went to the doctor and came home looking pale and weak. She said it was the flu and she just needed to drink lots of fluids, eat well, and get plenty of rest.I figured that was code for me to not touch her. “You feeling okay today, Sunshine?”Sunny’s been getting up real early in the morning and going downstairs. I hear her in the hallway but when I asked her about it, she brushed me off, saying she needed to be to work early. I contemplated following her to work but figured that was too much. Like I didn’t need to be a whole stalker. We lived together, and it wasn’t like she was going home to Brad or Brick or what
MACK JELL-O SALAD IS FUCKING HARD TO PREPARE. SO HARD THAT I HAD TO CALLmy mom to come over.“You took the day off to make this?” Mom pokes at the finally completed Jell-O salad. With her help, the final product looks exactly like the picture.“She was desperate for it last night and started crying when we read the instructions, and it said you had to let the whole thing sit for three hours.” Then we had the best night of my life. Hers, too, I hope, although her first thought in the morning was about the damned Jell-O salad. I used my tongue to successfully distract her and had a brief mad thought that she could transfer her craving for a particular food to me.After she left for work, I slapped myself in the head and decided to win her over the right way—and went to the store.“Upset stomach and unusual food cravings,” Mom murmurs. She taps her chin in thought.Alarmed, I bark, “Are those the symptoms of some kin
MACK “WHAT BABY?” I STARE INTO SUNNY’S EYES AND COMPEL HER TO SPEAK. DIDI hear her right? I knock the side of my head to unclog my brain. I could be having delusions. All this sex could be creating a fantasy fog where my whole perfect life exists.“B-baby?”It’s the stutter that convinces me. I get up and pull her to her feet. “Where’s your purse?”“Downstairs.”I pick her up and carry her out of the bedroom. “Mack, put me down. Where are we going?”I don’t reply because I can already anticipate the comments. It’s too late. We don’t have to get married. Let’s co-parent. All those modern terms that might be fine for other people but not for me and not for Sunny.I spot her purse on the kitchen table and sweep it under my arm. “Seriously, Mack. Where are you taking me?”“Courthouse.” I kick the door open and make my way to the car. “The courthouse? It’s past ten. The courthouse is closed
EPILOGUE Deacon Getting Carys to fully believe in me didn’t happen as quickly as I’d hoped. And there was no formal discussion or announcement when things had finally crossed the barrier of trust. Our being back together happened slowly and organically. I spent every day for months showing her I wasn’t going anywhere, and taking the time to learn how to be a good partner to her and a father to Sunny. Because I’d put in the work, I finally reaped the rewards.In the five years since Carys entered my life, I’d learned many things, including the following, in no particular order.One: You can’t prove yourself with words, only actions.Two: You can’t choose who you love. It never mattered what I told myself about not getting into a relationship with Carys. From the moment we connected, I was destined to lose the battle with my brain.Three: Full freedom can’t be achieved until you forgive yourself. I finally so
CarysNAUGHTY GIRL The months since Deacon’s return had reminded me a lot of the early days of our relationship. He was there when I needed him but didn’t cross any boundaries. I knew he was being careful not to make assumptions about my readiness to let him back into my life.It all felt a little like déjà vu because Deacon had reverted back to being a good friend I desperately wanted to have sex with. But I hadn’t let myself go there yet. I kept waiting to feel a hundred-percent sure he would never hurt me again. But is it ever possible to be absolutely certain?One Saturday afternoon, Sharon called to tell me she had the day free if I wanted her to come spend a few hours with Sunny. She said she figured I might appreciate some time to myself. Never one to refuse unexpected help, I thanked her and said I would love to take her up on that.She arrived about an hour later. As I kissed Sunny goodbye and headed out the door, I re
DeaconHOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE? You’ve heard the saying that life is not a sprint, it’s a marathon? Well, earning Carys’s trust back was more like a slow wade through an ocean. But it was worth it, even if not getting to reach out and touch her was downright painful. A month-and-a-half after I returned to New York, my relationship with Carys was slowly improving.One afternoon, as we sat in her living room drinking the coffees I’d brought over, I presented her with something I’d made back in Minnesota.I took it out of the small bag. “I forgot to give this to you. It’s for Sunny. I made it while I was home.”Carys smiled as she examined the pink hat. “You crocheted this?”“Yup. My grandmother was trying to get me out of her house, where I stayed half the time. She wanted to invite dirty old men over without my being there, but that’s a story for another day.” I laughed. “Anyway, she commissioned me to help her make hats
CarysJUST COFFEE Despite saying he’d give me time to ready myself, Deacon texted me a few days later to ask if I would be willing to meet him during my lunch break on one of the days I worked in the office. I said yes. We needed to have the conversation away from Sunny.I chose Friday, but instead of a lunch meet-up, I opted to have the sitter stay late so I could meet Deacon after work. I didn’t know how I’d feel after our talk, or how long the meeting would last, so I didn’t want to have to go back to the office.Deacon was waiting in a corner seat at Starbucks when I arrived. It was my first time in here since before he’d left for Minnesota. He looked painfully handsome, dressed in all black. He fidgeted with his hands as his eyes wandered the room. His mouth curved into a hesitant smile when he spotted me. He stood.When I approached, I could tell he wasn’t sure what to do, whether to hug me or not. He leaned in and gave m
CarysTHE TEXT This was a huge day. It would be the first time I let Charles see Sunny without me being there, too. The plan seemed innocent enough. He’d brought his kids to my apartment, and they would be hanging out for a couple of hours.Talia and Xavier had recently met Sunny for the first time. Today was their third visit. The kids had really taken to her, and Sunny liked them. Allowing them to meet seemed to be one of the rare good decisions I’d made this past year.So with Sunny occupied by Charles and his kids, I was off to run a couple of errands and take a breather. I had mixed feelings about leaving her alone with them, but Charles had earned back a bit of my trust in the past few months. While I wouldn’t trust him with my heart again, I knew he was a responsible father to his two other kids. I had no reason to fear for Sunny’s safety while in his care.And also? Mama needed a breather. I mainly had a babysitter for
DeaconHINDSIGHT IS TWENTY-TWENTY Since arriving in Minnesota, I’d avoided being alone with my father. I’d gone over to my parents’ for dinner but left before Dad had a chance to corner me. He hadn’t said anything hurtful yet, but I dreaded encountering the version of him I remembered—the one who did nothing but criticize me. I didn’t need him making me feel inadequate when I already felt pretty damn shitty since leaving Carys the way I did.It appeared I could only hide for so long, though. I was shoveling snow outside my grandmother’s house one day when I looked up to see my Dad’s red truck.Sticking the shovel into the snow, I leaned on it as I watched him approach. He reached over to brush some snow off my coat, and I felt my eyes widen. It was rare my father touched me. Aside from the brief hug I’d given him when I first arrived here, there had been no other contact—no handshakes or pats on the back.I stepped back. “What’
DeaconCOCKBLOCKER “What are you looking at?” she asked.Shit. How long had I been staring at her? I hadn’t meant to make her uncomfortable. It was just… I couldn’t take my eyes off her. I’d done a pretty decent job of keeping Carys out of my mind this week. Then I got to the checkout line at the supermarket where I’d been picking up groceries for my grandmother. The cashier looked like an older version of Sunny. Did she think I was staring at her because she had Down syndrome? Shit. That wasn’t it at all.“I’m sorry. I know I was staring at you. It’s because you remind me of someone who’s special to me, someone I don’t get to see anymore. I didn’t mean to be rude.”She rolled her eyes, and it made me chuckle, because I could see Sunny growing up to be as feisty as this girl. My chest tightened at the thought that I might never see Carys or Sunny again.It had been three months since I’d left New York, and my life ther
CarysNICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN Over the next six weeks or so, Charles proved he hadn’t been kidding when he’d vowed to earn my trust back. I appreciated that he was letting me call the shots on his reentrance into my life, though.In addition to abiding by a visitation schedule, he’d also begun depositing money more regularly in my bank account. I’d never refused his occasional offerings, but now that he wasn’t doing everything behind Violet’s back, he’d set up a direct deposit each month. I wasn’t going to complain. Sunny deserved his support.We’d agreed on a twice-a-month visitation schedule for starters. I gave him a few hours on Saturdays. We’d take Sunny out, and she was slowly taking to him, offering occasional smiles and responses to his endless efforts to make her laugh. It was noticeably different than her immediate attachment to Deacon had been, though.Charles hadn’t insisted on using the term dad around her, and I was
DeaconLAST WORDS I’d rented a car for the ninety-minute drive north to Poughkeepsie, and it had been a smooth ride with no traffic. This had definitely been a good idea. I now held Sunny up as she sat atop one of the ponies at Archwood Farms. She was always a happy child, but the ponies brought out a level of excitement I’d never witnessed before.After the pony ride, I went to fetch Carys and me a couple of coffees from the small concession building, while she took Sunny to a grassy area with a bunch of pumpkins laid out. Sunny was now walking independently. While a little wobbly, she was fully mobile.After I ordered our drinks, the woman I knew to be one of the owners of the farm smiled at me. “Your daughter looked like she was having so much fun out there. I’m so glad you guys could come up north today.”We’d spoken to her briefly when we first arrived, but I didn’t realize she’d assumed I was Sunny’s father. I opened my m