CHAPTER 3

CHAPTER 3

Hindi naging madali para sa akin ang lahat. 

Unang tungtong ko pa lamang sa Amerika ay para na akong asong nawawala. It's not like it was my first time being there. Ilang beses na akong nakarating sa lugar. Ang pinagkaiba lamang ay wala na akong kasama ngayon at nag-iisa lang talaga. Gusto ni Mommy at Daddy na pasamahan ako sa isang kasambahay namin sa bahay, pero sinabi kong mas gusto kong mag-isa. 

I want to finally be able to stand on my own. Iyong hindi kailangang dumepende sa iba. I know that some may say na masyadong wrong timing itong gusto kong pagpapaka-independent lalo na at buntis ako, but maybe it has really something to do with my hormones.

I pouted.

Noon, ang pangunahing dahilan talaga kung bakit ako napupunta dito ay dahil sa mga photoshoots and other projects. Left and right ang mga nag-aassist sa akin noon, kaya medyo naninibago akong mag-isa. Hindi naman mawawala iyon. 

I bought a condo near the hospital para hindi na ako mahirapan pa sa pagbibiyahe tuwing check up ko. I didn't brought my car with me, at kahit ang pagbili ng bagong sasakyan dito ay ipinagbabawal ni Daddy sa akin. He said that I am not allowed to drive while I am pregnant. Ang sabi nito ay baka daw ma-ibangga ko pa. It was absurd, because I've never had any accidents like that before. I'm not a reckless driver. Sadyang OA lang si Daddy kung minsan. Masyadong overthinker.

He was really the one who kept on pushing me to have a nanny and a bodyguard with me, lalo na't buntis ako, pero hindi ako pumayag. Iyon ang hiningi kong pabor sa kaniya. 

I don't know if it's just me or my hormones, basta ay ayaw kong may nakakatabi ako o may nakakasamang ibang tao. Though, I know that Dad hired some bodyguards who'll look after me from a far. Hindi lang niya pinahalata talaga, pero alam ko. Hindi nalang ako nagreklamo dahil mas mabuti na rin iyong gano'n.

The rest of the months, I spend it all alone. I go to the hospital for the check ups on my own. Mom sometimes visits to check up on me, pero hindi naman siya nagtatagal dahil sa kompanya. Dad needs my mother's knowledge about business so...

Noong mga panahong sinusumpong ako ng mood swings at cravings ko ay ako lang din mag-isa. It was really hard for me. Parang gustong-gusto ko ng mag-give up, pero naisip kong ito nga pala ang ginusto ko noong una. Ako ang may gusto nito kaya dapat ay panindigan ko ito hanggang dulo.

Minsan pa ay umiiyak ako nang walang dahilan. Kapag nag-iisa ako sa kwarto habang nakatulala sa kisame ay bigla-bigla nalang tumutulo ang mga luha ko. Minsan ay nakakatulogan ko pa ang pag-iyak. 

Every morning, iba naman ang struggles ko. I will always be awakened with constant vomiting. Nakakapanghina pero kinakaya ko pa rin dahil ito naman ang gusto ko. Ang mag-isa at magpaka-independent kahit hindi na halos kayanin. 

It was stupid of me, I know, but then it's a good start for me too.

I don't have any news about what's happening in the Philippines anymore, lalo na ang tungkol sa issue ko. Mom and Dad prohibited me to get some informations about it. Wala na akong magawa pa doon dahil ayaw ko rin namang mai-stress. And besides, wala rin naman akong mapagkukunan ng impormasyon dahil pansamantala kong dine-activate ang aking mga social media accounts. Ang iba ay dinelete ko pa.

Mom and Dad constantly calls to check me and the baby. Gustong-gusto na nilang puntahan ako pero hindi pa raw ngayon dahil sa mga nangyayari sa kompanya. I don't exactly know what's happening dahil hindi naman nila ako pinapaliwanagan tungkol doon, but I do hope that they're doing just fine.

Minsan ay hindi ko maiwasang makaramdam ng guilt, knowing that my parents were struggling with our company and they're probably having a hard time handling my issues too, while I am here, hiding from all the problems that I caused.

It was an act of a coward person, but I did that to save my baby. Hindi ko ugaling tumakas sa mga problema, depende nalang kung sino ang mas maaapektuhan, at alam kong ang baby ko 'yon kaya mas mabuti pang unahan ko na sa pag-iwas.

Days and months passed by so fast. I gave birth to a healthy baby boy. I named him Lukariah Zaugustus. He's so beautiful and fragile when I first carried him in my arms. It was every mother's dream. Totoo nga'ng lahat ng pagod mo sa panganganak ay mawawalang parang bula sa oras na makita mo na ang anak mo.

Seeing him didn't even make me regret a single thing. Sacrificing my career was worth it when I finally saw him. 

"At least your father has a good genes, huh?" I caressed his soft cheeks gently. The first time that I saw him, I even thought he wasn't mine. He was too good to be true. Walang namana si Luke sa akin ni isa. It was almost heartbreaking knowing that I was the one who carried him for nine months. Tapos wala pa lang mamanahin sa akin kahit ang nunal ko man lang sa may bandang puwetan.

I think he got it all from his Dad. And sometimes, yeah sometimes, I couldn't help but feel excited about meeting my baby's father. I mean, Luke looks like him, that's for sure now. And Luke's handsome, so I know that he's Father might be handsome too.

Hindi ko na nabilang kung ilang beses ko na ring nakaltok ang sarili dahil sa pag-iisip ko sa Ama ng anak ko. 

I must be crazy. Iniisip ko 'yong taong hindi ko man lang nakita nag mukha kahit isang beses.

What's more fascinating is the fact that my son has an electric blue eyes. Mine is chocolate brown, and I am thankful that he got his eyes from his father too. It's so attractive. Damn. Ang lakas ng genes. Wala man lang namana sa akin kahit na ako ang nahirapan ng sobra sa loob ng siyam na buwan.

I was totally hands on with taking are of Luke. Ayaw kong may ibang nag-aalaga, maski humahawak sa kaniya. Hindi naman siya palaiyak na bata gaya ng iba. Sinusumpong lang naman ito kapag nagugutom which is a very natural act of a child lang naman.

Some mother may experience post partum depression after giving birth, and I'm more than glad na hindi ko iyon naranasan. Luke isn't giving me any stress, and besides, my parents are both very supportive.

Mom and Dad decided to book a flight to US after Luke's first month. They were immediately whipped by how adorable my son is. Nagtalo pa nga kung saan nagmana si Luke sa kanilang dalawa, where in fact, sa lalaking estranghero naman talaga nagmana ang anak. Sa Ama niyang kahit ni isang beses ay hindi ko pa nakita.

"I heard that you were offered by one of the most well-known modelling company here in NYC. Are you going to take it?" Tumabi sa akin si Mommy. Nasa balcony kami ngayon at pareho na kaming nakatayo habang nakaharap sa siyudad ng New York. The city lights are very fascinating to see. Kitang-kita ito ngayon lalo na't gabi at nasa pinakamataas pa kaming floor ng condo. 

The soft gentle breeze of the air comforted me. I hugged my body tightly and smiled.

"I'm not yet—"

"Take it," Pagpuputol nito sa aking sagot. Napalingon ako sa kaniya habang bahagya pang nakaawang ang labi. Halos 'di makapaniwalang siya pa ngayon ang nagtutulak sa aking kunin ang offer.

"Mom, what?"

I am happy that Mommy is pushing me to do it. Dati rati, naalala ko pang ayaw na ayaw nito akong papasukin sa showbiz dahil napakalat at ma-issue. Pero supportive pa rin naman. Ngayon, siya pa mismo ang nagtutulak sa akin na pumasok muli sa showbiz.

Malakas akong napabuntong-hininga at umiwas ng tingin dito. Okay lang sana, kaya lang, hindi na ako nag-iisa. May responsibilidad na ako. Luke is still so young to be left alone. And besides, I don't want him to be left alone with someone too. Baka nakawin pa 'yong anak ko. Gwapo pa naman. Sa panahon ngayon, wala na talaga akong ibang pinagkakatiwalaan. Unless, the person's really close to me. Pwede naman akong kumuha ng kasambahay dito para mag-alaga sa anak ko habang nasa trabaho ako, pero ayaw ko. I'm scared for my son. 

"If you're thinking about Luke, then leave him to me. Ako ang mag-aalaga sa apo ko habang nagtatrabaho ka."

Napaawang ulit ang aking labi bago napalingon kay Mommy. Hinarap ko siya ng mabuti, looking for any trace of humor on her face, but I can't find any. Seryoso nga siya.

"I'm serious, Amberleigh. I know how you wanted to do it so much. Alam ko namang mahal na mahal mo ang trabaho mo kahit ngayon na may anak ka na. I promise, I am going to take good care of your son while you are going to pursue your passion as well."

Naluluha ko siyang tinitigan. "B-but, how about D-Daddy? Our company? Daddy might need your help there." 

Mommy smirked. "Daddy is old enough. He already know what to do. So, don't worry about that old man." 

We both laughed. Bahagya kong pinahid ang luha sa gilid ng aking mga mata habang natatawa pa rin. Natahimik lang kami ni Mommy nang biglang may tumikhim sa likuran namin.

"What's with the talk? You both seems so into it. Are you talking about me?" Si Daddy habang karga karga si Luke na mukhang nakatulog na yata sa kaniyang balikat. 

"Yes, we're talking about an old man. And that old man happens to be you," natatawang ani ni Mommy. Sinamaan lang ito ng tingin ni Daddy na ikinatawa ko lang din.

I'm so damn lucky to have such a very supportive parents. I mean, I couldn't even wish for more. They're already enough. 

Napadako ang tingin ko sa aking anak na nasa balikat pa din ni Daddy. 

I smiled unconsciously.

You're already enough, baby. Never mind your Daddy. Sana hindi mo siya hanapin sa akin sa oras na magkamalay ka na, dahil hindi ko rin alam kung saan hahanapin ang lalaking 'yon.