Chapter One - The Crash

Chapter One- Jane 

I sat with my back to a hard, plastic airport seat and my knees tucked against my chest. My entire Spanish II class stood around in a semi-circle with giddy laughs and thoughts of an entire week in Andalucía, Spain in the name of learning.

As badly as I wanted to be happy, I couldn't think about anything other than Remy Hanes, my boyfriend's best friend, and how he kissed me two weeks before. No matter how many times I told myself that it was a careless act of alcohol and late night delusions, I knew that wasn't true.

The two years I'd spent with Lucas Johns made me feel content, safe and desired. Now that safe feeling wasn't enough, because Remy held me a if I was his and every touch of his hand sent me higher than I'd ever been. So high I felt my body quiver from the need to feel grounded again.

No matter that I tried to blame it on the alcohol, we both knew it wasn't just that. His rough palms stripped me of any insecurity I wore on my sleeve. His dark eyes pierced my soul deeper than I knew it went. When his bottomless voice spilled out feelings I didn't know he held inside, I felt myself slipping into a void of ongoing pleasure that teetered onto the line of guilt. 

Nothing about Lucas compared to that short thirty minutes alone with his best friend, and I felt the guilt would swallow me whole. 

The truth was that Remy Hanes made me feel, and Lucas Johns did not.

The worst part was that I didn't have the courage to tell Lucas, or even talk to Remy since it happened. I'd been hiding out in my apartment and behind shelves in the library from both of them. I was smart enough to know Remy wouldn't tell Lucas without my consent first, and if it were up to me, I would never tell him. 

The only problem with that was that I coudln't go on in a relationship with Lucas, knowing my feelings for Remy. Not because it couldn't be done, but because I would forever know how I could feel, and that Lucas would never do it for me again. 

Selfish, I know. But that memory just wouldn't stop terrorizing my mind like a terriost. 

"You going to tell him?"

I turned my head to look up at my best friend who stood beside me. Her curly brown hair was styled in an afro with a headband that matched her bell-bottoms. Ash frowned down at me, her dark brown eyes full of pity and I hated it.

"Stop looking at me like that," I whined. "I feel bad enough already."

She pursed her lips. "You look like a sad puppy and we're moments away from boarding a plane to paradise."

She sat beside me, curling her long arm over my back and pulled me close. "You have to tell him soon, Jane."

I watched her push her fingers through my brown hair in an attempt to brush out the tangles that I didn't bother with that morning. "I don't know how," I whispered. "It will kill him. He doesn't deserve this."

Ash tugged me upright to face her. I loved everything about Ash. Our freshman year, we were assigned roommates and then, two years later, we moved to our own apartment. She was different from me. Ash was fearless when it came to trying new things—like those bell-bottoms—and she studied her ass off for her residing 4.0.

She grew up with two younger siblings, a brother and sister, in a suburban home where her parents sheltered her. Being from an upper-class African American family, her dad was adamant about her continuing to college and the tradition that he tried so hard to earn for himself.

Not that Ash wanted to be a lawyer, her talent was science and she wanted to teach. After years of begging, her dad gave up and told her to do what she wanted. Which she would have done anyway.

I grew up in South Dallas with a single mother, in a rundown house that she tried so hard to maintain, with three jobs and no help. I loved my mom more than I loved myself, but I was happy to be less of a burden on her when I left. She deserved a sigh of relief, and I was happy to give it to her.

"I'm going to tell him when we get back. I don't want to tell him now. Then we'll be stuck together for an entire week. He'll probably want space, and I won't be able to give it to him there. Let me ... somewhat enjoy our trip."

Even though I knew that wouldn't happen, because Remy was coming, and every time I caught a glimpse of him, I rememebred the way his mouth moved against mine. 

"True," she said with a sigh.

Her gaze traveled toward the right and held, which told me they were here. Straightening my face, I tucked my hair and let myself look.

Lucas walked our way, which resembled a bounce on his tiptoes. His backward UT Dallas baseball hat held in all of his sandy blond hair but a bit that stuck out of the front.

His swimmer body fit his clothes just right. Even if it was just a t-shirt and jeans, they always fit him perfectly, and he knew how to wear them. 

With a slight cleft in his chin, he grinned, showing that one-sided dimple on his cheek. "We ready to party?" he asked.

Ms. Arce, our Spanish II teacher and chaperone, cleared her throat. "And learn, Senor Lucas?" she asked from a few seats down.

"Of course," he said, giving her an of course look. "And that."

He swept toward us, wrapping his arm around my waist when I stood to meet him. The same cologne he'd worn for years filled my nose while my eyes traveled over his shoulder to Remy.

Heat curled up my stomach to my cheeks. Remy was the opposite of Lucas, like Ash and I. Lucas walked with ease, his black combat boots thudded due to his heavy foot and I don't give a shit what you think attitude.

With more bulky muscle, Remy's t-shirts were tight around his biceps and his jeans fit more snugly than Lucas'. His black hair was shaved on the sides and loose on the top in a hard part that made him look tough like a modern-day greaser. And he was, but the boy knew how to be soft when needed. I had proof from our lingering kiss. 

His thick lips pursed when he noticed me with Lucas. An e-cigarette hung from the corner of his mouth, in his tenth attempt to stop smoking. Ash said she was sure someone could sharpen a knife on his jawline. I didn't doubt it.

"What were you girls talking about? It looked serious?" Lucas asked.

Ash leaned back in her seat. "About the Spanish lover I'm about to land when we get there. I want to put this Spanish to good use."

Lucas laughed, drawing me closer with his palm. "As long as Jane doesn't land one, too."

Remy chuckled deeply, his dark eyes flicked up to mine from underneath a set of long eyelashes. I hated that one look did so much to me.

"Not Janey," he said. "She's too sweet for that."

Anger boiled in the pit of my stomach. I wanted to smack the smirk off his face. I already felt like a piece of trash for kissing him back, but for him to rub my nose in it like a dog, pissed me off.

Ash, sensing my unease, stood up and slammed her fist into Remy's shoulder. A definite warning. "Jane is much sweeter than me. I'm a black widow—I'll spit 'em out when I'm finished."

Ms. Arce's heels clicked against the tile and drew our attention. "Okay, my little Spanish speakers. I'm going to call roll."

She started calling down the list while I tried to calm my nerves, rubbing my palms against my thighs in an attempt to stop the sweat gathering there. 

"Are you still nervous?" I leaned in and asked Lucas.

His green eyes lowered and he smiled even though it didn't meet his eyes. Lucas hated planes. When Ms. Arce announced our trip, I saw the nerves skate across his face. The only reason he came was that I begged him over the span of a year.

Now look at us. He was deeply in love, not knowing any different, and I was a cold hearted cheater.

"I'm okay. I looked up statistics and one plane crashes for every 1.2 million flights, and even if, your chances of dying are one in eleven million. I think I'll take those chances to be with you."

I smiled, which proved difficult since my body felt numb with guilt.

"We're now boarding flight DL31 to Spain," came across the loud speaker.

"Alright, Muévete, Españoles," Ms. Arce said quickly.

We formed a line, letting the attendants grab our bags and usher us to our seats. The airplane ride was estimated for a ten-hour flight, which I hoped I would sleep through.

Lucas let me sit in the window seat, took off his cap and placed it on top of my head. The exact same thing he did the first time I met him, almost like announcing to everyone I was his girl.

I'd never forget that day in the cafeteria when he walked up to Ash and me at our table, placed his hat on my head and grinned. I couldn't believe Lucas Johns, swimming champion, wanted anything to do with me—Plain Jane.

"My two favorite things in the world, my girl and water."

He grazed his lips against my knuckles, and I waited for the butterflies, but they didn't come. I swallowed the painful lump in my throat and placed my other hand over our interlaced fingers. 

"I'm just ready to be there." I poked his chest. "What about you? You still feeling nervous?"

He leaned back and gave me an uneasy smile. "Just a little anxiety."

I gave him a nod even though I knew he was petrified. Lucas was good at hiding his feelings, better than I ever was, which proved I'd really put on my best act over the last few weeks since the kiss.

Ash tapped my shoulder and I turned to look at her between the seats. She grinned ear to ear and turned her eyes toward Remy.

"Major hostility back there, right?"

I shrugged. "I've been ignoring him, and I know I should talk to him, but I don't know how." I grabbed my head, rubbing against the forming headache. "I mean ... what would I say to him?"

"Another headache?" Ash asked, reaching inside her purse, she pulled out a bottle of pills and handed me one. "Take one of these, they're for motion sickness, you'll sleep for a while."

I dry swallowed one. I'd do anything to black out for a while. "Thank you."

I heard Lucas call Remy's name, who sat a few rows behind us. Ash noticed my frown and dug around in her purse. When she came back up, she handed me her old iPod.

"Thank you. You have the best playlists. One for every occasion."

She gave me a fake bow and grabbed her Kindle. "I'm ready to turn this bad boy on. I have many worlds to transport myself into."

I turned back to the front. The flight took off twenty-five minutes later, and I already felt Ash's pill. A pretty flight attendant came by and offered us food and water but my eyes drifted shut.

Lucas said something to her but I didn't hear him because everything went still.

***

The beautiful azure waters of Spain slowly lifted around me. The droplets from the waves slowed, and I watched in sheer amazement as they drifted toward the sandy beach in slow motion. It was paradise indeed. 

"Where is everyone?" I asked, but no one was around. I looked around at the beautiful scene in front of me, but it slowly drifted from my grasp. My entire daydream vanished and a chaotic plane took its place.

All my senses snapped to attention at once. I sat up straight; a feeling of unease grew in my stomach. A scratchy voice blared over the intercom and the noise thumped hard against my skull.

"Stay in your seats, we are experiencing an engine malfunction. Do. Not. Panic."

Engine malfunction. All of Lucas' statistics rolled around in my head like a jar of quarters. Were we the one in 1.2 million that he talked about? Obviously right? Engine malfunction didn't seem like nothing. It sounded like a death sentence. 

Lucas' voice slowly sunk into my ears, but I couldn't focus on the words he randomly spewed at me. He jerked me hard but everything faded in and out of conscience.

"Jane! Listen!" he screamed. When I looked over to him, tears coated his eyes and cheeks. Behind Lucas, Remy stood beside our seats while a flight attendant tried to calm everyone down.

Just by making eye contact with him, I knew it wasn't going to be okay. In the chaos, I felt Lucas jerk me again and force me to look at him. "Calm down, Jane, calm down!"

I wasn't the one screaming. The sound of the wind outside of the plane vibrated loudly in my ears, drowning out my thoughts. My breath started to come in deep gasps. Each rugged jerk of Lucas' palm brought me closer to suffocation.

I needed silence. I needed peace. I needed ... Remy. 

Ash's hand gripped my shoulder from behind and I saw the fear etched into her pretty face when I turned. Her dark eyes were drenched with tears. "I love you, Jane," she mouthed.

"I love you, too."

"If you survive and I don't, tell my family I love them."

"No," I blubbered out, reality strangled my throat. "We're both going to survive," I said, though I didn't believe it. I knew everyone on the plane would perish. 

My memories of us in our dorm room, and the weekends we spent watching people at the mall littered my brain. All the times she helped me study, our shared candy drawer sophomore year. 

The times she gave me money because I didn't have any—my best friend didn't deserve this. She still needed to teach fifth grade science and become a beloved teacher with kids of her own.

I turned toward Lucas when I heard his cry. He blubbered like I'd never seen before. "Baby," he whispered, pressing his forehead against mine. "This can't happen. We haven't had babies yet."

I hiccupped, the truth danced along the tip of my tongue. I couldn't die without telling him the truth. I'd go into my grave and carry that around in my afterlife.

"Lucas," I said, noticing Remy sitting down on the other side of him. His dark eyes searched my face as he knew what I was about to do. He shook his head slowly, but he didn't understand the pressure it left on my chest. "I have to tell you the truth—,"

The plane groaned, taking a nosedive suddenly. Lucas began to hyperventilate and screams filled the air.

Before I could say it, Remy grabbed Lucas' shirt and took his place. Remy's dark eyes told me not to do it, but I was selfish, I wanted to get it off my chest before either of us died.

"No," he hissed, his gravely voice heavy in my chest. 

I went to speak and tell Remy what I thought about his attitude but all my emotion spilled out into a hushed cry.

"Breathe, Jane," Remy whispered. My gaze locked with his and I took each deliberate breath to match his even ones. He ran his fingers against my jaw and guided me down to the floorboard.

"Brace your knees against the back of this seat and put your head between your legs. We're going to make it."

I did as he said without a word. Words weren't even fathomable. The pilot told everyone to calm down and get into their positions over the speaker but most couldn't hear his plea because of the wind and cries.

The lights began to flicker on and off, then everything shut down quickly. Remy turned back to help Ash and I could see Lucas clearly. He reached over and pressed his thumb to my cheek. "We're going to be fine. I love you."

Those green eyes began to fill with tears and we both knew that we weren't going to be fine. At that moment, I opened my mouth to lie and tell him I loved him too, but another round of cries deafened me.

Fear clamped down on my throat.

Lucas' bottom lip trembled but he didn't move toward me, he stayed until Remy filled the space between us. Then I felt four gentle fingers trail down my wrist and take my hand. "Think about something, and focus on it."

I did as he said. I listened to the smooth sound of his voice with my eyes closed tightly, as he tried to calm me, but he didn't know that his voice was the only reason I felt calm.

I remembered the note on my desk freshman year and the dove drawn into the center. I focused on the smooth lines and my curiosity about who drew them for an entire semester, until Remy called me Dove—and I knew. I swam in the sound of his words as the cries grew louder, and when we hit—everything went black.

***

I assumed the frigid water woke me, or it would have been the cloud of black billowy smoke, but overall, I wished I had stayed asleep.

The smell of burning fuel and the feel of crisp water poured memories onto me like an ice bucket. I came to with a gasp, my head swirled as I struggled to gain consciousness.

The scene splayed out in front of me brought my cereal bar for breakfast up my throat. Dismembered bodies, luggage, and part of the plane floated in waist-deep water. The smell of fire burned my nose while I tried to move but the seat in front of me trapped my ankle.

With all the might I could muster, I lifted up to look for anyone. It was then that I realized the front part of the plane was detached from the back, and fire consumed it only yards from me.

One of the wings laid on top of the front half, the other sat several feet away, half in the icy river and the back part of the plane where I sat moved every few minutes from the growing current.

I needed to get out before I was pulled underneath the water and drown. 

Pulling on my leg, I noticed one person floating in front of me. When I saw the heel attached to her shapely leg, I let out a guilty sigh of relief, that it wasn't anyone I knew. It hurt to think a random stranger's death brought me relief, but I coudln't stop the feeling. 

I tugged harder, turning to grab something. I noticed Ash wasn't in her seat and the entire back half of the plane was sinking faster than I realized.

I opened my mouth to scream but only a scratchy cry came out. "Help!" I tried again.

The panic felt like a serpent curling around my body to suffocate me slowly, while everyone drown around me. 

My bottom lip trembled when I tugged again, losing my strength to get loose. I tugged one last time, falling back against my broken seat with no luck.

"Calm down."

I heard his voice and relief slid over me. Remy stormed through the water, bending down, he kept his eyesight on his hands, trying to maneuver my foot out of my shoe.

Two seconds later, he grabbed my foot and I was free. When he stood up and offered me his hand, his gaze dropped to the floor. Why wouldn't he look at me? It sent dread through me like a flesh eating virus. 

"Where is everybody?" I asked.

"We need to hurry, the plane is sinking."

"Look at me," I whispered.

He didn't. "Now, Jane. It's no time to be hardheaded."

Remy was right, which seemed to be a normal thing for him, so I let him lead me out of the plane and into the icy river. Remy jumped from the plane, landing in chest-deep water. When he turned, he offered up his hands, and his face—those dark eyes—told me everything I needed to know.

They were dead.

I swallowed my emotions before jumping into the icy water and into his arms. Remy wrapped a huge bicep around my waist and dragged me toward the bank. My clothes weighed me down once my palms and knees rested against the grainy sand, and my body weakened. 

I collapsed moments later, my cheek pressed against the ground as I watched the plane sink even lower.

Remy walked toward the water's edge, stripped from his t-shirt and waded back into the water.

"What are you doing?" I asked, but it wasn't loud enough for him to hear over the rushing water and fire crackling behind us.

It felt like forever before he came back with two duffle bags and tossed them beside me. His chest heaved while he watched the plane sink beneath the water and disappear into the current.

"Save anything?"

I nearly jumped from my skin at the sound of someone else's voice. Even though it wasn't one of the two people I wanted to hear, it meant someone else survived.

I crawled to my knees, staring up at a man in his mid-thirties. His shoulder-length brown hair blew in the growing wind, along with his soaked t-shirt and basketball shorts.

He looked of mixed ethnicity. His eyes resembled Asian decent and his face was handsome with a wide-set nose and a dark chinstrap.

Remy tossed him a duffle while they both started rummaging through things, pulling out clothes and other people's belongings. I crawled to my feet, looking at my shaking legs and feeling weak.

The other guy stood up and offered me a girl's hoodie and some man's sweat pants. "You're gonna need this, it gets cold here at night."

"Thank you."

"What's your name?" he asked.

"Jane."

"I'm Taborie," he said.

I grabbed the clothes, and hugged them to my chest. Remy stood up with several packs of chips and a few bottled waters when a faint cry stopped us.

We dropped our things and followed the sound. Remy raced toward the wing of the plane that sat halfway in the water. I got there afterward, noticing a small girl, around four or five, tucked underneath the plane, staring up at us with big blue eyes.

"Oh my God," I whispered, covering my mouth with my palm. Remy and Taborie began to lift the wing while I grabbed her shoulders and pulled her toward the sand.

I checked her body for blood or protruding bones but I didn't see anything. She curled into a ball when I tried to hold her. A tangled mess of red hair sat on top of her head, with tattered clothes and no shoes, she looked almost feral in the sand.

Remy bent down beside her and examined her as I had.

"Let's try to move her," he said softly. "We need to get a fire started, and our thoughts together. We don't have long before dark and it drops in temperature."

I vaguely remembered Ms. Arce telling us about the mountains and how the temperature dropped at night. We planned to visit them. It was listed on our agenda she passed out days before. My best guess was that we didn't need a tour anymore—we were here.

"Hey there," I whispered, trying to get the little girl's attention. When she ignored me, I bent down and scooped her into my arms, noting the way she clung to my shoulder and trembled.

Taborie sat out all our dry clothes, along with what food we found on a towel in front of a duffle. 

I held the little girl, while I took a seat on the sand, running my palm over her hair. She shivered in my arms, and I tried to imagine how sad she was without her family. 

Remy cleared his throat. I hated myself for it, but I let myself really look at him. Without his shirt, the lines of his muscles flexed when he lifted his arms and interlaced his fingers behind his head.

Something I noticed he did when nervous.

I was past nervous—I felt dead.

"I want my mommy," the little girl whispered into my ear.

I did, too.

Stroking her hair, I tried to calm my racing heart.

"Is my mommy dead?"

I stroked faster, trying to fight the tears threatening my eyes.

"I want my mommy!" she screamed.

I felt myself dying inside at the sight of her red-rimmed eyes and the frantic thrashing of her arms. 

Remy's rough palm slid over my shoulder and down my arm. "Jane, you're shaking, let me have her."

He must have grabbed her because suddenly I was alone, shivering in the sand, all my emotions tumbled out of my mouth and I screamed.