I pack my bags for the sleepover. My fuzzy slippers have made it to the bottom of my bag. I sneak in Oreos, Doritos, and Pepsi. Brittany will be happy to eat junk food.
"Mom, I'm going over to Brittany's for a sleepover," I say."Have fun, sweetie," mom says.I walk on the secret path towards the Hogan's house. I hear squeaking in the tree nearby."Hello, Meeko, " I say.The dumbass raccoon looks at me. We know each other well. Rocket was an asshole. He's dead now. Meeko's the nicer one. I toss Meeko an oreo from my backpack."Don't tell my dad, okay?" I say.Meeko chirps at me. I guess that's a promise."Do you always feed raccoons?" Zander asks."None of your business, " I say.Crap, I don't want to deal with Zander right now. His dumb bitch girlfriend nearly drowned me."What's gotten into you?" He asks."Zander, leave me alone," I yell.I'm humiliated that I thought we had a spark between us the other night. How stupid it was to kiss Zander in a game of seven minutes in heaven. It didn't mean anything, did it?No, of course not. He likes Leslie. Somehow, I push a girl in a pool, and he still ends up with miss-perfect blonde Leslie Thompson.Girls like Leslie Thompson are lucky. They are beautiful, and they know it. Girls like me weren't meant to be girly. I'm five foot two. I'm short, sweet, and to the point."Why do you hate me?" Zander asks."I don't hate you. But I don't like you either," I say."There's no way in hell I believe that. So, what's your deal?" He asks."My deal is, I don't like you. You have a girlfriend, and we're done here," I say."Can I walk you to my house at least?" Zander asks."No," I reply."Ash, you are something, " he says."Yeah, right," I reply."No, I mean it. You are different," he says.I stop in my tracks. I turn around and see Zander. His familiar dimples appear again. I don't want to see them. He's so handsome. Fuck, no, he's not. This dumbass is off-limits. I panic and slap Zander in the face."Uuggghhh," Zander screams."Sorry, I panicked," I say."I can see that. But why?" He asks.I start to feel flustered everywhere. My body has become numb. I can't think, act, or do anything. Zander both intrigues and infuriates me. We would be terrible together. We would be like a wildfire spreading from tree to tree."I don't know. I guess I'm embarrassed about the other night," I say."You mean the birthday party?" He asks."Yeah, I said too much, and we did too much," I reply."Ash, it was a game. It didn't mean anything, " he says.Did it, Zander? Did it really mean nothing to you? Did I mean nothing to you? No way I can say that to him."I know that. It's just hard being unlikable me. But that's my problem and not yours, " I say."Ash, you're likable. Come on. Let me take you to my house; Brittany is waiting for you. And Kyle is waiting for me," he says.I walk with Zander. And I notice him. I notice him like a schoolgirl with a crush. This will be the end of me. Luckily, fate brought Leslie. As bitchy as she is, Zander is off-limits with her around, which means my friendship with Brittany is endless. As long as they date, I have a best friend.I sometimes hate that Brittany comes with rules and strings attached. It makes it hard to be around her. Sometimes, I want to look pretty. Not with make-up, but with a nice new haircut and outfit. Brittany would flip and tell me I'm breaking the rules.We get to their house, and Brittany looks at me, confused."Why are you with Zander?" She asks."He was on the secret path, and we walked together, " I reply."Got it. Ash, we are in for a night of fun. I have nails, movies, and food plans for us," Brittany says.Zander and I look at each other. My heart skips a beat, and I blush. Zander notices, and my face gets even redder. I don't know what's come over me. But I need to stuff it down."Hey, Brittany, I saw Meeko on the way here. I think it knows that Rocket was murdered. It's out for revenge," I say."Girl, you and your family could have your own hill-billy show," Brittany replies."Could not," I say.Brittany and I do our nails. I'm not too fond of nail polish. I only tolerate it for Brittany. We watch old Disney movies and cry when Mufasa dies. We throw popcorn all over each other. Then we hear the tapping code on the door. It's Kyle. That means it's time for sex. Every time there's a sleepover involving Kyle, a gentle tapping at 1 am on Brittany's door means the parents are asleep, and it's time for sex."Mind if I go, Ash?" Brittany asks."Brit, you ask this every time. Go have fun. I'm going to watch The Last Kingdom on N*****x," I say."I don't know why you like that show. Have fun," she replies.She puts a sexy dress on and hides it shamelessly under a bathrobe."Bye, Brit," I wave.Other girls would be pissed that their best friend ditches them during a sleepover for late-night sex. Not me. I'm happy to be alone. Thirty minutes go by, and still no Brittany."Mind if I join you?" Zander asks."No, that's fine," I reply."Want to watch it in my room. We can watch it on my large tv, " he says."Sure," I say.I've never been to Zander's room before. I don't have siblings, and I have nothing to compare it to. Zander keeps his car clean. I imagine he would do the same for his bedroom.He opens the door. His room is fairly clean. It has a few piles of clothes lying here and there. It smells like him. He uses Old Spice.We sit on his bed. I pull out the box of Oreos I brought. And we eat them together."Why do you like this show, Ash?" Zander asks."It has swords and battles in it. What's not to love, " I say?"I guess. Leslie would never watch a show like this with me," Zander says.He looks at me and knows this comment bothers me. But, we both know there was a spark between us at the birthday party."Zander, I can't do this anymore," I say, pausing the movie."Do what?" He asks."The night of the party, did you mean what you said? Did you want to kiss me?" I ask.God, I feel like an idiot. I'm not used to being in touch with feelings; that's for the other girls. Not me."Well, Ash. Yeah, I did, " he says."Zander, why am I in your room?" I ask."Come on, Ash. Isn't it obvious?" He says."No, not really, " I say."I wanted to spend some time with you," he says."You have a girlfriend, you player," I say, getting off the bed to leave."Ash, I don't have a girlfriend. It didn't work out with Leslie. So I didn't bother telling Brittany," he says."I don't believe you," I say.Zander blocks me from leaving the room."Wait, Ash. Can you give me one more chance," Zander asks."No," I say.But it's too late. Zander puts his lips on mine. And it's an instant fire. The wildfire ignites, and I can't stop it. You can't fight fire with fire, and putting a fire out is not like me.I fall asleep next to Zander. I've heard of teens sleeping with and next to each other. I never imagined that it could happen to me. The idea of sneaking around behind everyone's back is new to me. Are teens allowed to take naps next to each other? I guess I'll never know. There's a lot of things that are new to me. Being the worst friend to Brittany is sure to make the top list of my new and favorite vices. I wake up. It's 3 am, time to go back to Brittany's room and pretend I was never with Zander. We made out on his bed for two hours. His lips were soft and gentle. I can still feel them. I blush. I'm not ready to go back to Brit's room just yet. Going back will mean that this magic never happened. That his lips never touched mine. That our lips never made contacted. Zander is still sleeping. I lay my head on his chest and feel his heartbeat below my ear. It's steady. How can his heart be so calm, after we had an encounter like that? My heart keeps thumping like a war drum about t
Two weeks pass. Zander and I text constantly. His words blow up my phone. He sends me memes. I send him photos. Our flirty correspondence has my stomach in knots. We all know Brittany. She's a bitch when she wants to be. She would bitch about this.Being with Zander would be fun, on edge, and flirting with danger. We've all seen the Lion King, like Simba, I too, laugh in the face of danger. Ha-ha-ha-ha!! I head to the mall by myself. I'm tired of going with Brittany. The truth is, being around Brittany is hard. She lives with Zander and tells me all his masculine habits that bother her. When she tells me, I picture them in great detail and get distracted. No, not today. Today it's me, myself, and I at the mall. Yes sir!! Just me. I slam the break of my car and look through my windshield. For fucks sake. Aiden Buckland. The sexy jock, I haven't seen him since the pool party. He's Zander's best friend or was. They had a falling out, and truth be told, I'm not sure where their friends
What in the world am I thinking? Falling for Zander? He's out of my reach. He is out of my grasp. Yet, I want nothing more than to be by his side. I am not sure why in seven hells, I decided to date Aiden. I mean, I know we aren't dating. We are two people who are pretending. Is pretense okay? I sometimes wonder if there is a law disregarding these things. Is there an issue? Falling for someone totally and completely. My best friend told me, 'no,' he is 'off-limits' because she is his sister. She's selfish. I know the party was supposed to be fun. But keeping girls away from Zander was hard. I didn't want to keep myself away from him. I suppose I have always had a useless crush on him. He isn't a bad guy. He's athletic and smart. He's brave and ruthless. He's everything perfect in masculine form. So my desire to honor Brit is strong. And it sucks. It sucks more than any straw I have ever placed my lips on. I want to be a good friend. However, I feel like this relationship is one-
A week goes by. Three more days and the start of my junior year will commence. I'm not the sort of girl who wants to fall in love with two boys. I am pretending with Aiden Buckland. He makes my breath stop. But he's not the one for me. We have only been on one date so far. The parameters of our dating seem endless. I think he wants to go to all the bases with me. He's a guy, so it must be true. My parents would flip knowing my plans. Little tomboy Ash is turning into somebody. I hope all the nobodies notice me. I notice them. My phone buzzes and beeps. It's Aiden. Aiden: Hey you. Me: Hey.Aiden: We haven't been on a date in a while. Want to get food? Me: Sure. Pizza? Aiden: Always. How's 6:30? Me: Sounds good. Aiden: Want to go to my soccer game? Me: When? Aiden: Tomorrow at 7? Me: Sure. Aiden: There will be lots of people there. You can wear one of my hoodies if you'd like. Me: Aww, sure. Aiden: ByeMe: Bye. My insides are mourning. Wishing deep down that these texts we
Zander Hogan's text message beeps on my bed. I don't know what to think anymore. I'm torn between two boys. I am excited to be with Aiden. Our date involves food. I like watching him eat. The sweat pours from his body when he eats. I lust after Aiden. I know I do. All the girls fond over the Adonis that he is. He is chiseled in stone. The gods handcraft him. I decide to put on one of my mom's sundresses. I'm still avoiding Brit. Aiden is my surprise. I am excited to have a surprise to show everyone. He will be a great asset to my womanhood. I sound like a tool again. Now I'm the man-eater. And damn, it feels good to be shallow and lusted after for once. Aiden needs a girl on his arm. And now I'm that girl-the product of lust and longing. So, Aiden, here I come. The sundress stretches and is hot. It's blue with stars. My red hair bounces on my shoulders. Dresses are not like me. Only when I danced ballet did I dress up. Now I am lost in the void of womanhood. I don't know who I a
Aiden Buckland and I are getting serious. Too serious, if you ask me. It's not that I don't like him. He is a kind young man. And I love that about him. But I need to stick to the plan, the plan to be as fake as make-up.Make-up is shallow for the faint of heart. I never wanted to be a shallow girl. And yet, here I am, being as shallow as the cheerleaders. The first day of school is upon us. And I feel my legs fill with jelly at the thought. Being jelly is disturbing. Jelly is weak. Jelly floats on the surface of shallow waters. I feel the shallowness within me. I put my regular outfit on. The one I always put on. It feels flirty this time, flirty, fake, and forced. Feeling girly is not like me. I haven't been me in ages. Ever since I considered joining ballet again, I have felt girly. Barf. Gag. Vomit. Spew. Aiden Buckland's fancy car pulls into my driveway. His blonde locks are flowing again. His light brown eyes find mine. I like hanging out with him. Even if we are only friends
I feel bad about Zander. I didn't want to make him sad. I didn't want to make him cry. I am not one-hundred percent certain; he did cry. But I did. I want to imagine we are empaths. Our emotions are cousins, and we can feel each other's pain. I know that that's not the case, though. The first bell rings. Zander isn't in homeroom. I see him drive away from the second-story window. I must have hit a nerve. Sorry Zander, but I don't remember you asking me out. And Brit would hate me. Leslie Thompson sits down next to me."That was so savage."I am a bit startled by her comment. Is she talking to me? "Excuse me?" I ask. I fold my hands on my desk. "You and Aiden Buckland. Damn, I never thought he'd choose someone like you."She glances at me up and down. I know I am not good enough. I'm the ugly duckling being interviewed by a swan. Swans are bitches. They are beautiful and meaningful. "If you're trying to scare me, you can fuck off," I snap. "Whatever, watch yourself. Once Aiden is
I give Zander all the space he needs. Space is the best medicine. He's put a boundary around me, and it's for the best. Brittany finds me after school. "So, you're dating Aiden? Spill."I hate that I have to tell her everything. It's at this moment when I realize I don't want to be friends with Brittany anymore. Being best friends with a control freak is wicked hard. I want a new friend. "Yeah, I almost ran him over with my car at the mall a little while ago. We ended up going on a date, and it just took off from there.""Well, it's about time. I'm glad to hear it. For a moment, I thought you were trying to date Zander. You know, when I found you in his room." "Brit, you ditched me to have sex with Kyle. Zander offered to watch some guy movie with me. But yeah, Aiden and I are a thing now.""Well, I'm glad you and Zander didn't happen. Then you and I couldn't be friends anymore."I don't understand her backward logic. I want to understand where this terrible idea stems from. What i
A week has passed since I broke up with Zander. Aiden and I are in a new relationship, one I intend to keep. Christmas break is almost here, and with it, the opening of the Nutcracker ballet. I know I'm ready. I have studied and have practiced more and more with Madame. My mother has even attended a few of my last minute one on one sessions. She praised me for my comeback. I know it's a small comeback that a seven-year-old could perform...but for someone with an injury, a comeback has so much meaning. I was told I would never dance again that the tumor in my ankle was too vicious to even dance upon. Well, during Christmas break, I will prove them all wrong during my final performance as a ballet dancer. I have other passions now. Thanks to Aiden and art, I have a desire to pursue more things with my whole heart. Madame has heard about my ballet paintings and has agreed to let me sit in the back of the studio to paint her students in action. She plans to decorate the entire ballet s
Aiden and I get ready to leave the cabin. I put my clothes back on to avoid suspicion from my parents. I'm already going to be in trouble with Zander. I don't need to get my parents mixed up in this drama. At least not today. Aiden gets in the car. He puts his sunglasses on. He is wearing his letterman jacket. The name Buckland is in black bold letters on his back. I wonder if that last name means anything to him now that the cat's out of the bag. I can't worry about that now. I'm a nervous Nellie. It's ridiculous, really. But this is Zander we're talking about. The man I shared my first bed with. Did it mean something, right? Did any of it mean anything? Have I just thrown something special away? Aiden parks in the Hogan's driveway. I get out like an embarrassed deer. Brittany and Stephanie open the door. "Hi, Ashley, why are you with Aiden? You're mom called, and I covered for you. I told her you were asleep. Were you with Aiden all night?" Steph asks. "Yes, I was. That's not i
I wake up to the sounds of a crackling fire. It's 4 am, and Aiden is still half-naked and lying next to me. We've had so much sex these last three days, I'm almost convinced Zander and I broke up. But the truth is we aren't. I'm the worst kind of terrible for it. I never wanted to be a cheater. But what am I supposed to do when Aiden loves me and Zander....wanted sex? I go into the kitchen and look around for anything resembling breakfast food. Instead, I find eggs and bacon. Protein it is, then. Clearly, a man went shopping. The only thing I find remotely similar to juice is lemonade. Good enough for me. Aiden wakes up and squints his eyes. He sniffs around the room, wondering why it smells like meat. A true hunter-gatherer if I ever saw one. He's a caveman at heart. "Are you cooking for me?" "Obviously!" "I knew you were perfect, but this is unexpected." He comes over with his shirt off and shorts on. He has the 'I just had sex' smirk on his face. He waltzes about the cabin, f
I wake up from my post-sex nap. Aiden is still here, holding me. We turn to look at each other. I roll over and lie on his chest. I start kissing him over and over. I don't want this moment with him to end. It's as if I'm trying to make up for the lost time and apologize for my actions. He rolls over and finds himself on top of me again. I admit I'm a confusing girl. But this feeling I have with Aiden is fire. My fire for Zander has gone out, and I know he lied to me. Perhaps I'm horrible for having sex with Aiden now. My parents still haven't come home from work. I'm lucky not to have been caught. "Aiden, can we go to the ballet studio now? I really do need to get this note and x-ray over to Madame." "Sure, give me two more minutes. I want to look at your forever." He looks at my lips and kisses me slowly again. We aren't rushing to leave as I had hoped. Aiden puts himself inside me again as we start having sex a second time. "I love you, Ash. I know you might be confused right
Thanksgiving has come and gone. I haven't spoken with Aiden since we kissed in the art wing. I haven't told Zander. I brush it under the rug. Romance is complicated, and I'm caught in the middle of understanding it. I've distanced myself from Zander. He doesn't seem to notice since he's been busy with the holidays. I've texted him, but I've avoided going to his house. He's invited me to his house plenty of times. I've had lots of opportunities to verify Leslie's claims. I know Aiden needs me to find the truth out for myself. He's been honest with me. I know I told him we would speak later. But I feel like I'm lying to Aiden by not telling him the truth about his origins. He's not a Buckland by blood. And he needs to know this. He will find out from me in due time. My phone dings; it's Zander. Zander: Are you coming over? Me: Yes, Brittany and Stephanie, and I are having a sleepover. Zander: Want to come to my room later at night? Me: Of courseZander: Great, see you tonight. I
Dad drops me off at school. The glazed donuts are tucked away safely for my friends. I think we all need a pick me up every once in a while. My friends need me to do something nice for them every once in a while. Zander finds me in the parking lot. He looks perplexed as to why my dad took me to school this morning instead of him."Why are you with your dad?""Because we're related. Are you mad about something?" I ask, confused. "Hmmm...well, let's see. I woke up, and you were gone." "We aren't married, Zander. I needed to get home. And my mom caught me sneaking back into my room at 5:30 am. It wasn't exactly fun for me. Then my dad ended up taking me to a donut breakfast early in the morning. I bought you one. Want one?" I pull out a glazed donut hoping it will change Zander's sour mood. He takes it. He's unimpressed. He sinks his teeth into the donut, and immediately his mood changes. "Are these from Danny's Donut Cafe? We used to go there....""Every Saturday in our pajamas. I
"Where have you been all night?" Mother repeats with a bit of curiosity in her voice. "Nowhere? I was out...walking around." Way to be and sound convincing. Like mom will ever believe that bullshit response. "Ashley, where were you? The truth." "I was at the Hogans. I wanted to see Brittany. I needed to tell her about my ballet news. And I had something else to tell her about Stephanie." My mother knows I'm telling the truth about being at the Hogans. I told her half the truth. But she already got me to spill about ballet. So I don't need her budding in on another secret of mine. "Mom, can dad take me to school today? I want to pick up some donuts for my friends before school?" I ask. "That's a random idea. You haven't gone with your dad to get donuts for a long time. Is everything okay?" Mom asks. "Yes, I just need a guy's opinion on dating."I have to say something to get her off my case. I won't be sneaking out anymore. Not for a while. I'm pretty sure that when I get home,
If I aim for the stars, maybe I'll become one. I used to believe that with all my heart. But now I don't know what to believe anymore. It's nighttime, and my parents have gone to bed. They believe that I am an ordinary girl who follows the rules. But I am not shy anymore; I have blossomed into a rose. Roses come with thorns attached. Thorns are there to protect the beautiful flower from losing, from failing. And perhaps my attitude and determination to dance one last time is my version of growing thorns. The clock reads 12:43 am. Zander told me to climb into his bedroom at 1 am. I want to sneak into Zander's room. It's late November; Thanksgiving will be here soon. It's cold as shit outside. I rummage through my belongings and find an ugly Christmas sweater with the 'Grumpy Cat' on it. That will make Zander laugh. I put my jacket on and climb down the window-ladder. I fall off the ladder halfway through. I land on a bush. Being graceful at night is difficult when I'm tired as fuck.
Leaving the ballet studio is hard. Madame has revealed a hard truth to me. Her life is not all cupcakes and rainbows, as I once thought. She wanted me to be in love with her son. That's why the lessons were free. She was making me happy to make Aiden happy. I open the large gold doors of the studio. I know it's not real gold, but I'm still excited to touch it. It's like touching famous people. Maybe their success will rub off on me. Unfortunately, I'll never be that lucky. It would take healing water and a goddess to heal this dumb ankle. I get into Zander's car. I don't have the heart to tell him or anyone the truth. Aiden's truth. I doubt Aiden himself even knows. It's not my place to tell his truth to the world or him. "Thanks for helping me pay, Madame. She can be a bit of a firecracker. I know she's tough. She has to be to run a high-end business in this big town.""You're welcome. Sorry I stormed off. I didn't mean for that to happen. It just did. I know I need to not be so b