Chapter 1 (Decided)

Chapter 1

Astherielle's POV

"Asthe!" Mama calls me loudly.

I cannot remember a time when she called me using proper language; it was always either in a gruff tone or a shout.

"Yes, Mama? I'm here," I quickly ran towards her.

"You... Yes, you! Later, after you eat and finish your chores, go straight to your room, okay? You'll be in trouble if I catch you outside when I come home tonight!"

Our TV is in the living room, and it's the only one we have, which is something I regret. I can't watch my favorite shows on my favorite TV channel because I have a curfew every day. I'm not allowed to leave my room after eight o'clock at night.

Mama works at a well-known club. She's a waitress there, and over time, the manager convinced her to become an entertainer and a paid companion. Her duty is from five in the afternoon until twelve o'clock in the morning. She's given the graveyard shift, so she often comes home drunk and exhausted in the evenings.

All my life, I followed her orders not to leave my room at the designated curfew time, even though I knew she wouldn't notice me no matter what I did because she doesn't care when she comes home. But sometimes, I couldn't help but leave my room because I didn't have my own bathroom. Yeah, I've witnessed countless vulgar scenes in our living room and Mama's bedroom. She's never come home without a man.

Those were the things she didn't want me to see, but she didn't know that I'd already seen them before she even said anything. I've seen her engage in personal and intimate activities multiple times. I grew up knowing all of it, but I never said anything to her.

Many men have passed through Mama's life, and she doesn't even know who my real father is anymore. I'm tired of asking who my father really is.

I accept her job because that's what I realized has been providing for me, for us. I was able to do homeschooling to some extent. What I can't accept is the kind of work she has to do just for us to survive.

I can't think of any other way for us to get out of this kind of life. It's difficult to change it now because Mama's body is already craving the work at the club.

"Okay, Mama... Please take care when going to work... I hope you won't come home drunk... I'm scared of what might happen to you outside... How about you ask Auntie Lucia to accompany you home instead?"

I am referring to her co-worker who is also an entertainer in the club. I have met and talked to this person several times because Mama would take me to the club during inconvenient times. She would hide me in a corner so her manager wouldn't see me, and so I wouldn't see what was happening in the club. But I was curious, and I would sneak a peek, and I saw the kind of world Mama was in. It was colorful, smoky, dark, smelled like alcohol, and was loud and passionate. Those things were not meant for my innocent self to witness.

"Don't boss me around, Asthe... You know I hate it when you lead me like that. You don't care who I go with anymore, do you? That's my problem and not yours!"

"I'm just worried about you, Mama... If only I could be the one to pick you up..."

"Oh, Asthe! You're so stubborn! Do what I say, not what you want! Stay here and study in your room! And don't you dare open those doors and windows, okay? Alright, I'm leaving now. I'll be late for work!"

I just followed her with my eyes as she walked away.

Mama got pregnant with me at an early age. She was only fifteen years old then, so if you look at us, we could pass as sisters. She still has the posture, face, and figure of a young woman, which is why many men still find her attractive. It's as if she never gave birth, she's so thin. She takes care of herself because that's her investment in life.

Even though Mama is like that, I know she loves me and has dreams for me. If not, she wouldn't have sent me to school and made me work at the club.

"Thank you, Mama... I always pray that you arrive safely at work and home... I love you."

I whisper all the sweet things I want to say in the wind. We're not close, but we're not enemies either. No matter how thick the distance is between us as mother and daughter, I know we need each other...

Mama comes home between eight in the evening and midnight. So when I heard the door opening, I woke up. I peeked after a few minutes, and I wasn't surprised to see Mama kissing and groping another man in our living room. It was another man again.

I sighed and slowly closed the door again. I had witnessed this scene many times before, and it was even worse than what I had seen. Yes, every time Mama was drunk, she didn't know where she was anymore. What mattered to her was what she was doing with her lover.

I fell asleep, still thinking about what I had witnessed in the living room. I woke up as if nothing had happened, and the same was true for Mama.

Our lives continued like this until one day, a stranger, a woman, came to our house and introduced herself to me. She claimed to be my real father's sister. She knew Mama and even brought evidence that her brother had a relationship with Mama. They had pictures of them together, happy, and even had complete ultrasound documents of me.

The pictures of my father that she showed me didn't look much different from mine. In the end, I believed that I had found my real father. It's just sad that I can't see him now. According to his sister, he has his own family and is quietly living in another country. His wife thinks he's single and childless. It could cause trouble if she found out about me, so I just let it be. I respected that, even though it hurt me.

What's important to me is that I got to know him, and he's probably alive and happy in his life. I'm happy that I didn't have to struggle to find him.

As for Tita Mavic and her visit to me, I never told Mama about it. Tita insisted that Mama wouldn't like it if she found out about her visit to our house. She would have been upset and taken me away. My parents' separation wasn't handled well. Tita didn't say what caused their separation. All she knew was that it wasn't good, and only they knew about it.

I became close to Tita Mavic. Whenever my mother was at work, she would visit me at home and bring me all sorts of things. When we became comfortable with each other, I confided in her about my secret. It was about the strange feelings I had been experiencing. There were urges in my mind and body that I couldn't understand... They were looking for something that I couldn't name because I was scared and couldn't accept it...

Why do I feel like I'm searching for a man to touch my body? That's how it feels sometimes I want to leave the house but I hold back. But I can still control myself. Whenever I'm attacked, I just sleep it off.

"Astherielle, why did you only tell me about what's been happening to you now?" she asked with concern after I confessed to her about it. "I should have known about this earlier... You have no idea how I feel right now... This is what I've been talking about..." she said softly and sadly.

"What, Tita? By the way, I'm sorry if I only told you now... At first, I thought it was just a small thing... But it seems like there's something wrong, so I told you..."

"I thought about it when I found out about Sofie's job... But I didn't expect that it would be possible... Oh my God... I wish I had found you earlier so we could have avoided this..."

I bowed my head in tears and shame, even though she wasn't in front of me.

"It's not your fault, Tita..."

"No... Based on what you just confessed, I think I know why you're experiencing this... My God," she said in emotional turmoil. "God have mercy on you, my child... We need to find a solution to this... We'll find a way... Are you willing? Do you want to be away from there?"

"But what about my mom, auntie?"

The tears that crawled down my cheeks were for my imperfect mother, but I knew she loved me and provided me with a good life.

"I understand you, my dear... I know because I have a mother too... But... based on what you have told me about what's happening and what you witness inside your house, don't you think you are safe there... You need to get out of there while you still can... You can't continue to experience those things every day. You're still young... Very young... You deserve to have a normal life."

I've been living in this world for fifteen years now, and for as long as I can remember, it has been the world that Mama created for me. There was something wrong from the beginning, but I didn't speak up. I didn't know that there would be allies, so maybe that's why I ended up here.

I shuddered when I first felt the strange energy inside me. It happened the other day when I saw a man on a bike passing by my window. It was the first time I opened my window and saw a man, so it felt really new to me.

I couldn't sleep well that night. The next day, Tita called me again to tell me what she discovered about my mom. She has a sickness, a sex addiction. She didn't need to give any more details, those two words were already a huge bombshell.

"And it seems like that's also the reason why your parents separated, Astherielle," she added, which brought me back to my senses.

"Is it true that Mama has that sickness? How did you find out?" I closed my eyes to wipe away the tears clouding my vision. "B-But... Why is it like that, she doesn't even tell me..."

"Because she's sure you won't understand... If I didn't bribe her manager, he wouldn't have released your mother's medical record."

"He knows Mama has that illness but still lets her work in the club?" I was even more disappointed with what I learned. Someone knew about it, but Mama was still allowed to work there.

"My dear... Your mother knows about her illness. She gave him consent. She has a contract and a signature with the club she works for... And she doesn't know any other way to earn money besides her current job...

"Oh," I cried.

Tita took a deep breath. "I wish I could be there with you right now, my dear... So you can feel that you're not alone in this trial... I shouldn't have told you about it because it's confidential, but you're your mother's child. You have the right to know about it. And for you to understand why you need to distance yourself from your mother... How can you help her if you're also getting affected?"

She was right. What if this feeling I'm having doesn't just end here? What if it gets worse?

"I agreed for you to leave and I will help you go back to normal... I love my brother... You're his child and the eldest, so I will love you too, my dear... Don't be afraid of leaving... Think about your mother and the help you can give her when you've healed..."

"But, Tita... Even though my mother is not a perfect parent to me, I still love her so much... I can't leave her alone..."

"But you're doing this for her too, Astherielle... Think carefully, my dear... Remember, what you're feeling now is not easy... Your mind is affected because you grew up in an environment that is not suitable for a thinking child..."

This was the hardest decision I've ever made. I cried and thought about it all morning. And then, I made a decision. I agreed to rescue myself first. I promised to come back for my mother once I'm healed.

"M-Mama, forgive me for what I'm about to do... I promise to come back for you... When I return, I will save you..." I buried my face in the pillow and cried again.

End of Astherielle's POV