Chapter 5 - Claire

I know that running out of the house the way I did was childish, but I just had to get away. I wanted Rawls so much, but I was so scared at the same time. I had dreamed of being alone with him, but I was not prepared for how it made me feel. I know that he had to see that my cheeks were red. I could feel the heat rising in my face the closer we moved towards each other. I wanted so badly for Rawls to kiss me. I had wanted that for so long. But after how quickly he tried to remove my hand from his cheek, I knew then that this was just a stupid crush. There was no way a man like Rawls would ever want me, romantically or intimately. I was foolish to think I could be anymore to him than Evie’s best friend.

Thankfully, when I walked into the house, mom and dad had already gone to bed. My mom would know something was wrong as soon as she looked at me. I held back my tears as long as I could, but they started falling as soon as I started towards my house. I eased open the back door and went up the stairs as quietly as possible. I just wanted to crawl in bed and forget about tonight. I almost embarrassed myself. I could not resist touching Rawls’ face, which is something I should have never done.

"You're just not his type," my inner voice whispered, echoing through my mind like a cruel bully. I started to replay the moment in my mind. I was so stupid to think that Rawls would ever see me in a romantic way.

My heart had been racing as I touched him. My hand was shaking as I gently caressed his cheek, hoping beyond hope that maybe, just maybe, he would look into my eyes and feel the same spark that had been there since I was sixteen years old.

I could not resist touching his face. It was almost as if an invisible force compelled me to touch him. I had wanted to know for so long what it would feel like to reach out and just touch him. His skin was like fire under my palm. He had just a little bit of stubble from where he must have shaved this morning. His cologne was woodsy, but not overpowering. It was a cologne that he had always wore, I can remember smelling it every time I would come over to see Evie. I had even spayed some on a shirt once and hid it away in my drawer just so I could feel like part of him was with me.

The silence between us was like a thick fog that had rolled in, hiding any feeling of comfort. The warmth of his skin lingered on my fingertips, a bittersweet reminder of what could never be. I took a step back, feeling like I had intruded on a sacred space, my hand dropping to my side as if it had been scorched by his rejection. Rawls looked at me with confusion, his eyes searching mine for answers I did not have. At that point I knew I had to leave, because the look on his face hurt my heart. I could feel it starting to shatter the longer I stood there.

"I'm sorry," I choked out, my voice barely above a whisper. "I should not have done that." And with that I hurried out of the door before he could say anything and before he could see the tears that I was about to shed.

How would I be able to face him after what happened? I had made a complete fool of myself. I had let the childish side of my brain take over and give into what I had always wanted. Just to touch Rawls even if I could not have him for my own.

I have done my best to avoid even seeing him come home from work. I have been putting in late hours at the office so it would be at least an hour after Rawls got home before I even left the office. I had the case load to log the hours, but I do not think I could bear seeing him come home with a woman. My heart was already broken, but that would shatter what pieces that were left.

I was heading downstairs to get my coffee so I could run out the door to work. I almost ran over my dad. He was up early which was unusual for him since he worked second shift.

“Slow down, little girl. Where are you off to in such a hurry?” He was not giving me time to make up a good story. I was going to have to become really creative on the spot.

“I didn’t mean to almost knock you over, dad.” I gave him the best smile I could muster. I had not felt like smiling so much since the other night. “I have been given a pretty big case load at work and I just want to stay on top of it and make a good impression on Ms. Hayes.” That sounded pretty believable in my head, so I hope Dad believed me.

“Don’t burn yourself out, Claire. You are way too young to not live your life too. I know you want to be able to help me and your mom out around here, but I will not have you sacrifice everything for us. We are doing fine. I have been picking up more shifts when I can, so our financial situation is improving.” I know dad has been working more lately because of the extra money, but I just did not want him killing himself with all of the twelve-hour shifts. I was going to help them out whether they liked it or

not.

“Okay, dad, you make sure you don’t burn yourself out either.” I grabbed my cup of coffee and was heading out the door when mom stopped me. “Young lady, I know that you are not heading out of this house without breakfast.” Mom was such a stickler about me having breakfast in the mornings. My parents were making it hard for me to get out of the house before Rawls would be outside and I just did not want him to see me. “Mom, I really have to get going, I have a presentation this morning (huge lie) and I want to make sure everything is ready.” She seemed to believe my story. I had never lied to my parents before and I felt a lot of guilt about it, but there was no way that I could tell them the real reason I was leaving so early. I may have a broken heart over what happened, but it would devastate my parents if they knew I had feelings for their best friend.

I slipped out the back door before either one of them could stop me. As soon as I started my car, I saw Rawls walking out of his back door. I sped out of the driveway and cried the whole way to work. I don’t know if I can continue this way. I may have to rethink my living arrangements, but how could I really when my parents needed my income. I will figure out something soon before I lose what shred of sanity I have left.