Wish you were sober.

Squeaking shoes on the floor, the shower is on. The noise woke me up, it was Alex, he seemed like he was gonna go somewhere. So I asked,"Goodmorning, where are you going“

He replied with," I’m going to a family gathering. Don't worry It’ll be fast. I’ll pick you up later, get some room service for breakfast and I will prepare some clothes for you. Oh, and I thrifted you a skirt, since you don’t have a new one. Consider it an early birthday gift. ‘Kay, I gotta go! “

Just when I was about to say goodbye, he had already left the room. 

I guess it's time for room service, huh?

I take the phone and call the lobby for room service. 

Someone answers,“ Goodmorning, what can I do for you? Room Service? In what room please? “

I answered with,“ 3206, I want ham, fried rice, iced tea and chips & salsa. That’s it, thank you. “

The woman on the phone replies,“ Alright, your order will be delivered in 10 minutes. Thank you for your cooperation. “

The line cuts off and I get ready for a shower. Everything was good, I’m surprised Alex even had the ability to save up money. He would usually spend it like crazy, but I guess he has wanted this for a long time.

I mean, this hotel looks fairly expensive. How could he afford this? I mean saving up, of course. But, I just wonder. Hm, that’s not my problem. I’ll just wait for the room service and check out after I’ve eaten.

“ Sir? Room Service. Sir? Room Service. “

A woman knocked on my door, it was room service of course. So I take the towel and dry myself up and put on the clothes Alex gave me.

I went out and took the food, it was really delicious. Usually, I don’t eat breakfast but I took this as an exemption. I’ll consider this a cheat day. I’m just saying that ‘cause this is so yummy!

I wish Alex would’ve stayed longer and ate with me but I guess he had to go to his family gathering. Well, I have to get ready for school. He said he will pick me up at 9:30, our school starts at 10:00. I saw that Alex left something, it was his phone and earphones. He left it on the kitchen counter along with some notes.

“ I know yours broke so you can use this for now. Good morning. “

I took the phone and played my favorite artist. I was jamming in the elevator. I felt so weird but so free, music was my escape. It felt like I was in my own world.

I felt every groove of it. I check out and go to the parking lot. I see his car, or should I say, his father’s car near the pool. I walk towards it and say.

“ Hey! You left early, how did it go? The gathering. “

Alex looks at me and says,“ It was fine, as soon as I got my money from my family members like my aunts and uncles or my grandmothers, I left. It was boring anyway. “

We go into the road and Alex turns on the radio. We listened to the music, swaying my hands, it was a fun time. It was almost like a daydream, these past few days. They’ve almost been perfect, too perfect.

I’ve been experiencing some unrealistic things. But I’ve slapped myself and nothing seems to be going on. This isn’t a dream.

I don’t regret meeting Alex and I probably never will.

We reached the school, and everything seemed perfect. He held my hand as we walked through the hallway. People looked at us, but Alex didn’t mind. I really liked that about him, he didn’t mind their judgements. But, I know there’s always someone who will be better than me. A girl who can truly and openly like him. I’m just saying this to cope with the pain, and realization.

We were late for Chemistry so I guess it’s time for Biology. Mr. Nuruero isn’t really strict with us and actually allows us to sit together. It’s because we’re practically the only ones who answer his questions. Alex and I both like Biology, it’s like our only favorite subject.

We sit in the class and listen to the discussion. God, I hate saying this but I’d rather listen to Biology than sit in bed.

After Biology, we had a 30 minute break due to an electrical problem in one of the classrooms. So we laid on the green grass behind the school.

Alex says,“ I swear on every star, I will always give you attention. ‘Cause you’re hungry for attention. I’m just kidding. “ 

We both laugh as we look into the sky.

I've known Alex for quite a while now and I know some of his personal information.

Alex’s background. His dad is a mechanic, his mother is a normal housewife. They moved from the suburbs, they were a happy family, but he was a troubled kid. He’s like this ‘cause his dad never gives him attention, his mother at least tries to give him attention.

If you think about it, we have the same problems, except my mom passed away. But we both have dad problems. 

While we were laughing, he told me," I'll never hurt you, I won't be reckless."

I really wish he didn’t say that just because we're best friends. I don’t want to get my hopes up.

We got called back into the classroom. We had all other classes together, before we said goodbyes at the end of the day, I offered to go to a thrift shop, he agreed and we went to the nearest thrift shop.

He offered to buy me this skirt, it was longer than my current skirt. He told me.

“ Just in case your father comes home early, wear this to school tomorrow. Don’t show your scars. “

He smiles and gives me the skirt.

We both poked fun at each other and picked clothes for each other. We had a good laugh, we went home with a smile on our faces.

I guess it’s time for my second entry in my journal.

As I go into the house, I hear a thud. I was sure that was my dad, I sat on my bed and prepared myself. He goes inside the room, drunk with a belt. He starts cursing at me and slashes the belt around. 

Around 30 minutes later, I got the first aid kit I prepared. I fixed up the blood and covered it up and wrote in my journal.

November 18th

Hello,

Half of my day was good, and the other half was bad. It's funny, both are what makes me me.

Best Regards,

I wake up, with my scars painful more than ever. I was sure Alex would pick me up at this time so I changed my clothes and tried to walk outside. As soon as I move one step, I trip and fall. Alex notices and runs to me. He covered me with the jacket and tried to help me stand up. It didn’t work, instead, he carried me to the car. 

We go to the school with Alex rushing and are obviously worried. Once we arrive at school, Alex calls the nurse, they put me in a wheelchair. 

I started feeling gloomy and dizzy. I fainted in a second. They rushed me to the hospital to get an early consultation. The doctor said it was an infection, most probably from the belt. They offered child protective services but I disagreed. 

They still called child protective services even though I refused. 'Cause it was basically and quite obviously illegal, what my dad was doing to me. Some of the doctors tried to talk me into it but I didn't give in. I wasn't ready to tell people about my abusive father. He's my only true family.

Days passed, nothing new, I was still in a wheelchair. Alex visited me everyday, he brought notes from our Biology class and he read it to me, day by day. 

I finally got discharged on November 26, after that. Alex brought me to his house to sleep the whole day. His parents agreed when they found out about my dad’s abuse, at least until they resolved it with child protective services. I slept for the whole day to regain my energy. 

I woke up the next day, November 27, we went to school together, as we always do. A new girl transferred to the school. Her name was Heather Montgomery. She transferred from a rich university, she transferred here since this was the only school that agreed to keep her enrollment a secret.

She instantly became a cheerleader.

I thought she was just another student. But as she walked by the hallway, everyone thought nothing of her. Alex had a seemingly different look, he looked like he was interested in Heather. 

I was probably wrong, I have to be wrong right? I mean, he doesn’t like Heather right? I’m just being paranoid, aren’t I? I have to be.

I tried to talk to him,“ Alex? Um, Alex? Hello? “

He finally responds,“ Uh, what? I just find that transferee pretty. I also heard she’s a cheerleader. She’s probably so talented. “

I grunt and say,“ Alex! Do you seriously like that girl? She’s the perfect example of a girl who would cheat on you! Don’t go crying on me when she betrays you, with all your tears you can drown in a lake. “

He smiles and disagrees,“ Don’t overreact, Conan. She’s probably great and easy to get along with. "

That's what he said with a firm and positive tone.

I thought to myself, well the time has come huh? The girl’s here. Now, all that’s left to know is how this story ends. I can’t be his lover on a leash, the love he doesn’t need. I can’t keep going around him, assuming we have something. All this time, I know, he would find someone better, someone worth more than me.

I couldn’t move at that moment. All the moments started fading away, like they were only vivid memories. Tears were making it’s way down my face, everything felt like they were in slow motion. He’s mesmerized, while I die. I hope I was better, I wish I was worth more than Heather. No, I wish I was Heather.

She stops at us and initiates a conversation, “ Hey! My name is Heather! I hope we all get along here! “

Alex offers his hand and says,“ Hi, Heather. My name is Alex. This is Conan, my best friend. “

I look and smile at Heather, then leave. The pain, the emotional trauma that moment gave me, was indescribable.

I go back to all the happy times and smile while tears are gushing out. I’m afraid that’s just how the world works. To be completely blunt, I know I’m being a narcissist but that’s how it is. 

I took the time off to go to Alex’s house, I asked Alex’s mom if I could sleep the rest of the day. I lied and said my scars still hurt.

I don’t want to go to school while Alex is hanging out with Heather. It might make me go crazy and go completely maniac. Jealousy is a feeling everyone feels, in a certain time, a certain place, for a certain person.

I never thought jealousy would catch up to me this fast. I hope I will at least get to spend more time with Alex. As I said, I’m not even half as pretty compared to Heather.

I slept the whole day. You’re probably thinking why we had classes on a Saturday. We had an unfinished activity along with other students. 

I got woken up by a clattering in the kitchen. It was Alex’s mom preparing dinner. She apologizes and tells me, “ I’m sorry for waking you up, do you mind helping me? “

I replied with,“ Sure. I love cooking. “

She tells me,“ Alex and that new girl are upstairs, you might want to join them. I think her name was Heather. “

I refuse,“ No, he’s already happy with Heather. I don’t want a third wheel. I’m not that kind of gal. I’m happy for him. I’m happy for them. “

But I said to myself, but no one’s there for me. I’m the one who’s alone and pretty much depressingly lonely.

I hate this feeling! The feeling of loneliness and jealousy. 

I’m tired of putting others before myself. But that’s how it is.

Alex comes downstairs and invites me to the party Heather is hosting tonight. Alex’s mother says,“ Alright, it’s fine, you can go to the party, I can handle this. Thank you. Stay safe Conan and Alex! “

Alex speaks up,“ You’ve gotten closer to my mom huh? “

I replied,“ Yeah, I felt a bit dizzy so I slept for today. “

Alex nods and we continue to walk to Heather’s party. Everything seemed normal at first. It was actually not bad. Until I went inside, tons of people were drinking liquor and some were smoking. It made me uncomfortable, I saw how Alex wasn’t used to this, same as me. We don’t go to parties 'because we have no one to go with other than ourselves.

But since Heather is here, she’ll accompany Alex. She gives Alex a bottle of liquor and people cheer for him to chug it. Everyone forced and cheered for him to chug the whole bottle.

He chugged the whole bottle of liquor without a single drop left. He felt dizzy after that and almost tripped, good thing Heather catched him. Heather left him on a chair, he was throwing up since everyone had forced him to chug another bottle, he did. He threw up and got his clothes dirty.

Heather just went to the building in front of the party to fix some things. She didn’t expect what she would see in the room right in front of the building she was in.

Conan had helped Alex and brought him to a vacant room. He let Alex borrow his clothes and turned his back for Alex to change his clothes. He gave Alex privacy, but Alex, who was drunk, initiated something intimate. Though Conan refused, Alex initiated and Heather witnessed everything.

Heather hyperventilated and broke. She grabbed a pair of scissors and cut her hair until it was as short as Conan’s. Her life fell apart and she no longer had control of her actions. Everything came crumbling down and made Heather breakdown to tears.

She watched as her love interest betrayed her. With Conan, absorbing every little guilt. He just wanted to feel Alex’s touch. He never wanted this to happen, but it did

Just for tonight, but it would be better if you were sober.. 

The next morning. Was the most dreadful of them all. I left the room as I awoke. I felt ashamed of my decisions. How could I be so reckless? I wonder how Heather would feel right now. I felt so shocked and out of control. My decisions were far from wrong, they were hurting someone else. When Alex went to school, she noticed Heather was wearing a wig, he thought it was just nothing but when Alex tried to talk to Heather, she ran off.

Alex didn’t know what it was about and didn’t remember it was Conan he spent the night with, not Heather. Heather sobs inside the bathroom stall. 

When Alex offers to talk to Heather about the problem. Heather said it was nothing and it was because she failed her test. She lied about it, Alex comforted her and Conan seems to return to the quiet kid vibe as he fills up with guilt. 

All is wrong and the following days. Will Conan and Heather keep a straight face and not tell Alex about his mistake? Everyone makes mistakes, but this one seems illegal.

Conan still feels the same, numb and empty.