"Dear wife." I pause to allow the laughter bubbling in my throat to spill out. Throwing a glance at Brandon sitting ramrod straight, nails digging into the steering wheel while we wait for the light to turn green, I chuckle. He is too stiff. "This is so formal," I say and he mutters an inaudible reply. My hand moves to his shoulder. "Relax, it's just a letter."
"Is it?"
That didn't come out the way intended but I nod. My eyes return to the sheet of paper in my hand, settle on the font in black ink. I would have loved it handwritten but the line at the top right corner shows he printed it from his email. The date on top tells me it is about a month old. I clear my throat to continue reading out loud and my voice breaks.
"I miss you. Everyday." There is a fluttering in my chest like butterflies are rousing from their nap, I don't look to him when I murmur, "Then why didn't you call or text me?"
"
Thirty minutes, he said. I will be back in thirty minutes. But it feels like hours. Long painful hours of waiting for the doctor to return with the result of the blood test. Much to Brandon's annoyance, I resume pacing and he sighs, patting the space beside him. But I ignore him. It's so easy for him to sit still and act okay but everything is not.Another wistful peek at my phone, the door he walked into some minutes ago, I groan and run my hands over my face. There is no baby, I am just paranoid. Am I? He also explained spotting. Oh, God. The mood swings, lack of appetite and nausea. I shake my head and whimper, those could have been symptoms of another sickness. Yes, sickness.The corridor is empty, save for us. Benches line the walls, I saunter to the door. Minutes pass, I hear Brandon calling out to me, my legs carry me back to him and I offer a smile.Squatting between his legs, I sigh, his head lowers so our foreheads touch briefly
I am pregnant.Three words. Three words I don't want to be associated with. Brandon's hand returns to my knee but it weighs a ton, I shrug it off, I don't want his support. My lung closes, the pressure in my chest spreads. I wheeze, a cold feeling of fear whips through me. My breath catches in my throat, a strangled sound escapes me. I don't want to be pregnant.Reaching for something close to me to keep from drowning in this sea of nothingness, my hand closes around thin air and I gasp. The image of the doctor blurs, I cradle my head in my arms and choke on a sob. I don't want a baby."If you want, we could-"I jump, flailing my arms in protest, we shouldn’t have come. "I don't want anything." My chair clatters to the floor, Brandon hisses, a look at his face shows a nail scratch on his cheek. The thin line turns red, looking scarier than it should because of his pale colour. But I don't apologise, he put the baby in me. Staring at the wall, I ask, "Can we g
On the fifth day, a knock sounds on the door to our--my bedroom. The place I have been holed up since the news. He should be the one at the door, I stopped Lydia from coming in to clean. I sigh. Doesn't he understand the definition of space? I need space. Time too.The knock comes again, stronger. I push my phone under one pillow, it has been on aeroplane mode for days, bury my face in another and let out a scream. I don't feel like doing anything. All I want is to exist in this numbness I am fast getting accustomed to.Rolling on my back to glower at the door, the bullhead behind it should have taken the hint, I don't want to see anybody. "Who's that?" My voice is scratchy from lack of use, I receive no reply and my chest falls. I close my eyes, massage my temples. "Who's there?""Brandon."I place a pillow on my face, if I apply more pressure I might be able to suffocate myself. "Go away." Discarding the pillow to pull the covers over my head, I hug myself
Amber eyes are the first things I see when I wake, Brandon's hand on my cheek lowers to his side. He leans back like he is scared I will kick him off the bed, I manage a smile which seems to heighten his fear. The smile fades, I groan and count under my breath.Lethargy washes over me, even if I want to kick him, I am too tired to do that. I palm my head, ignoring the pain that pierces my heart at his subtle withdrawal. The pounding in my head intensifies, I groan. He draws closer to me, hesitant to cradle me in his arms. Offering no resistance, I lay still in his embrace, accepting the comfort he provides.My fingers run in circles around my temples but the throb migrates to the centre of my head. I claw at my forehead, slap the sweaty skin gently until Brandon grabs my hands.Tears gather in my eyes, I whimper and yank my hands from him. The growing pain in my head unearths the emotions from last night, I shove him whe
The bed dips with the new weight, Ma's subtle fragrance announces her presence before she coughs. I turn my face to the wall, pretending to be fast asleep. It is only a matter of time until she figures out my little lie and I don't want to view her disappointment."Are you done?" she asks, referring to the makeover I started in my room. It remained unchanged since I married but the need to keep busy led me to repaint. I can’t be idle.My eyes squeeze shut as her fingers weave into my scalp, I reply, "Not yet." Half of the bathroom wall is coated in paint, I needed a short break. "But I should be done today."I have all day, night too. The work keeps me sane. Away from Ma and her supposedly harmless questions. Away from thoughts of him. What is he doing now? He should be behind his desk, eyes narrowed at the figures on his laptop screen. My face sinks into the pillow, does he miss me too? Not a chance, he is with that bimbo dis
I should never have come here.Josh takes a sip of his iced coffee, eyes perusing the documents he laid out on our table. I want to think this is a trap but there is nothing wrong with what I have read so far but he has been chilly. Frigid towards me like we aren't friends. I should be the one upset.Drumming my fingers on the table, I tuck a braid behind my ear. "I'm sorry for the other day, I swear it was a mistake." He nods, I lick my lips and gulp. "How have you been?""Fine."On a good day, he would have returned the question, I would never feel awkward around him. I let my eyes roam the eatery to avoid the temptation of smacking him. He brought the papers, he should know the content but the seriousness etched on his face makes it easy to believe he hasn't read them. My shoulders sag, will we ever be friends?Most of the round tables are empty, there is no one behind the counter wit
Images splash across my screen, pictures of Brandon and the lady from the eatery. The caption under the post describes her and their relationship, in two words: business partners. I exit the site, a heaviness settles in my chest when the link to the post catches my eyes. It is the last message Brandon sent me. An explanation and a link, he wanted me to think nothing of what I saw. Because it is nothing. My imagination played me.Cursing myself doesn't work, the words on my screen refuse to disappear. I jump from the bed and pace the length of my room. I fucked up. How could I send that to him?I pause at the door. He should have called. I facepalm, why would he? I told him to fuck off. Fuck. My face scrunches. But it was a mistake. The text was for David. My fingers hover above the call button like it has been doing since I sent him that text. I don't call.The insecure part of me keeps replaying the image of his arm on her sl
Dinner is a painful affair until Pa arrives. The atmosphere changes, I hold my breath when he pulls out a seat and share a worried glance with Brandon whose discomfort is palpable. Only Ma seems to find the situation funny. Why won't she when she's sitting between me and my husband, asking questions about a trip she knows he never went on. My foot drum into the floor, I stir the food in my plate without tasting it.Behind Ma's polite smiles directed at Brandon, false interest in every answer he gives to her question is simmering anger. And I am partly to blame for it. If I did not break down, he would have still been in her good books. Casting him another furtive glance, my nails dig into my hips when his eyes remain glued to his plate like he has resigned to his fate.Defeat doesn't become him, it breaks my heart to see him this way and I clear my throat to interrupt Ma's next question. Her head snaps to me, I maintain eye contact and she s
"You promised," he whispers. He lets go of me to run his hands through his hair. "You promised me, Elna. Your beginning, middle and end." Jumping to his feet, he folds his hands behind his head and murmurs, "You promised. You can't leave me. Baby, please."Unable to look him in the eyes, I bury my face into the pillow and continue shaking my head. I know the answer to his question now, I am so certain of it. Do I still want him? Yes, I will always want him, more than I have ever wanted anyone but I can't have him.Murder is murder and he killed his brother.And it hurts.It hurts every fibre of my being. I love him so much it hurts to think of a future without him. I don't think I can stop loving him but when I look at him, all I see is a killer. If I cannot look past his sins then I shouldn't be in his life. It will be our secret, it's not in my place to tell other people and I am fine with that. I wi
It is hard.Really hard.
He doesn't regret it. But he feels bad. What does that mean? I race down the stairs as fast as I can, my car keys dangling in my hand. Hopefully, I look sane with the way I hurriedly dressed and left. I need to talk to Clarissa but about what? Do I want to tell her what Brandon said? What if she calls the police on him? Will she do that? She won't.
I wake to amber eyes staring down at me. I flash Brandon a sleepy smile, he presses a kiss to my hair and I giggle, he must love my new shampoo. "You slept well?" I ask.He nods, placing another kiss on my temple. "I did, you?" he says against my skin and I hum in response, loving the wet kisses he litters on
The next day, my phone is pinging with notifications. David shoots me a grateful text I don't reply, I am sure he doesn't expect one, we are not friends. My finger hovers over the delete option on his contact, I hesitate. It won’t hurt to have it so I save his number, something I had failed to do. Bored, I send Brandon an SOS and switch off my phone.Time to take matters into my hands.Bathed, shaved and clad in lace lingerie that barely holds my breasts and reveals my bump, I sit up, legs crossed while awaiting that click that will announce his entrance. He won't talk to me like a normal person and now, I am pissed. And horny. And frustrated.The click to signify his presence sounds, reverberating in the room. I shoot up from the bed as fast as a pregnant woman approaching her third semester can and saunter to the door, swinging my hips. Brandon eyes me from head to toe, the appreciative glint in his gaze is missing but I shrug tha
Curiosity kills the cat. Satisfaction brings it back. It has to. That is the reason I am in this café, waiting for David after I made the spontaneous decision to see him. I pull my oversized tracksuit over my belly, trying and failing to blend in with the scanty crowd.A wave of nostalgia hits me when someone passes with a tray of fish and chips. I need to call Clarissa. I don't understand how we let life, thesis and coursework pull us apart but we need to meet. Sending her a short text, I roll my lip between my teeth while awaiting her reply. If she replies before David comes, I will cancel our meeting. She comes first.I shouldn't be here.That seems to have become my new mantra and each time, things turn out better than I expect. I hope it's the case today. Taking a swig from the water bottle on the table while I wait for the first person to show up, I try to push the nagging thoughts out of my head.
Seconds of silence pass, when Josh doesn't seem to be leaving, I ask, "Who is Brendan?""Our brother, Brandon's twin." I blink, my head spins from the sudden information and my thoughts crash to a stop when he adds, "He is dead." Josh's smile is pitiful, I don't know when I move to stand beside him. I pat his shoulder. "He died in an accident."Brandon has a twin, a dead twin. It's all I can think while my hand meets Josh's shoulder in an awkward show of comfort. He pries my hand off him with a smile I don't comment on because of how fake it is. I rub my hand against my hip. Brandon has a dead twin.Seeing how shaken I am by the news, Josh pushes me into his seat, I sink gratefully into it. I shouldn't have asked. My husband should have told me himself. "When did he die?""A while ago."I snap. "How long is a while ago?""Five years," he rep
Josh catches up to me before I reach the house, he offers me a smile, I shrug. None of this is his fault. We take a seat by the kitchen window, staring at the trio seated inside the gazebo. From our position here, we can't see their lips moving but I can't help wishing they will start a conversation. Talk to each other even if it ends in a screaming bout."Do you think they will reconcile?"Josh snickers. He hops to the fridge like he pays rent and returns with a huge chunk of cake. The leftover I had saved to munch on later because I can't resist anything sugary and his family didn't let me enjoy it. Fleeting anger surges through me, I close my eyes."Nope. Not a chance," he says. I turn to see him dragging another stool close to me.The poise and gracefulness he was forced to adapt when we were outside vanish when he gobbles the cake. I smile foolishly, this is the Josh I know. Slapping his knee, I mot
The gazebo is deathly quiet and the tension promises to suffocate us. Everything is going well, if you count the curt greetings from Brandon's snobbish parents. Queen Elizabeth doesn't hold a candle to Brandon's mother with her prim and proper manners, wrinkles and white hair cropped short. All she needs is a crown and I'll genuflect before her.Brandon's dad is an older beardless version of him with thinning hair. He is so quiet, the kind of quiet that allows his haughty wife freedom to speak to people as she pleases. A minute after exchanging greetings and I can already tell it was a bad idea to invite them.Seated beside Brandon, muscles tight and frustrated at my lack of release, I drum my fingers on my legs hidden under the table. He didn't have to punish me this way. I am pregnant, he shouldn’t leave me horny. One look at him shows that's the least of his worries.He is as tensed as I am, maybe even more and a wave of gu