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Everything around me started breaking, I can't believe I'm still breathing till now.

The anxiety attack pulls In again and I see myself shaking, shaking visibly and my breath starts to hitch.

"Lexy are you okay?", he asked staring at me.

My lips are trembling, and I know it's more than visible.

I swallowed hard willing to fight back, I won't break down in tears in front of this man I won't cry.

"I don't want to see him, please", I said in a whisper, controlling the way I spoke was hard, it was evident that I was loosing it.

"Lexy...", he called me out and I don't know if he's trying to find out what's wrong with me or he's saying that because I need to see his father.

"I don't want to see him", I yell this time and then cover my face, I'm visibly shaking right now.

My whole life is completely doomed, and it's going to replay again just like before.

"God I'm just tired of all this please I don't want to see anyone, I just want to be on my own right now. They told me this was where I would be safe, away from the pains and tumors I've been through, they said you would protect me Amber", I'm whimpering, I'm shaking but there's no tears coming out of my eyes, that's how much I've been able to suck in my emotions, that's how far I've gone in killing Mt hormones.

"You know for someone who's been feared by the entire continent and half the population of the world, I so did not expect you to be this weak and unable to stand up for things, unable to protect your wife", I said.

Then I looked at him, "Or you can but you chose not to because I mean absolutely nothing to you", it was more of a question than a statement.

Silence.

His silence usually speaks for him.

I swallowed pained, "I should have thought so", I mumbled.

"You want me to be a whore right? that's alright, I'll be whatever you and your family want", I added in a broken voice and walked past him and headed straight for his office.

I exhaled.

This is it...

My fate...

My destiny...

What I'm living for.

I push the door open slowly without knocking.

He's there as expected, sitting on Diego's chair with his legs crossed on his table and a cigarette in his hand .

He has a man slightly his age standing right next to him and his men were right behind him.

And the rest of the boys?

They were right behind me.

I exhaled.

in as much as I hate these people, every single one of them seated here, they need to keep me alive.

"Lexy Emeliano", he called slowly.

I clenched my jaw.

That bastard knows my fathers name.

"Or no wait, is it Lexy Mattew now?"he asked with a chuckle.

I swear he's the only one that finds it funny.

"It's not", I mumbled.

"What's that you say bonita?", he asked.

"It's not Lexy Mattew", I said a bit louder.

"Oh, why so? I thought you are married to my son?*, he asked.

I sighed, now I have to start explaining my feminism rolls.

"I don't want to Carry on with his surname, I would like to stick with mine ", I mumbled.

Just last time we had a conversation, I was ready to rip his head off with my words and here was I unable to find my voice because I'm trying terribly hard to control my panic attack.

He stopped smiling, "Who made the law?", he asked slightly irritated...

"It allowed by the society, a woman is allowed to choose who's name they bare", I replied.

"Well I want to let you know that you don't have a say in anything ever concerning this marriage, for one it's you who needs help here so you're supposed to do whatever we tell you and submit to us because this is a favour granted and not out of love, do you understand? so if I'm to have any issue with you again, I won't hesitate to tell your father's enemies to come and get you "..

I could have retaliated, I could have cursed him and called him insane because that was what he was.

I could have told him to go on with his plans that I don't give a shit about whatever he does.

But unfortunately I can't, because I don't have anyone protecting me, I'm alone.

My father can't do anything, I've lost my family, and the one person who's supposed to save me Is just few feet beside me.

Doing absolutely nothing.

I gave a small nod.

And that was it...

That was what sold me out.

I had let me guard down.

I had broken a vital rule of feminism.

But who am I when I cannot save myself.

Then he picked up his gun.

"Now, I won't repeat myself today, I'll could from one to ten in my head and if you don't do what I say, I'll feed you to my hyena today. Strip", he added the last part with so much authority.

I turned to look at Amber.

Yes, he's supposed to protect me from danger.

That's the only reason why I got married to him in the first place, now this?

He kept a hard expression and kept his eyes on the floor.

I dare not look at anyone around me before I change my mind.

I need to live.

I just need to.

My hands shakily move to the top button of the gown I wore.

First 3 buttons done.

Mrs Timberlake would be so ashamed of me now.

Offering your body just to save your life? that's a coward move.

"Stop", it was Amber.

I looked at him, God I could see fire and thunder in his eyes.

I removed my hand slowly from my dress.

"Do you have a problem with this here Amber?", his tone held mockery.

"Just let her go ", he said more calmly.

"Why?", he questioned.

"Because she's my -", he stops and swallows

"We're married dad, I can't let another man see her-",

"You know the fucken traditions out here Amber, you bring a girl home you bring her to the club, that's the law", his father snapped.

Amber sighed frustratedly, running his hands through his hair.

"Dad...."

"Or do you want her to end up like that other girl of yours?", he questioned.

There was a think atmosphere that held things I couldn't explain, but it was toxic.

"Fuck", Amber yelled and walked out of the office slamming the door behind him loudly.

He turned to me.

"Continue ", he says.

With shaky hands, I return my fingers back to my dress.

Asher stands up and head for the door.

"Where are you going to?", his father ask.

"I can't - I don't want to -", he stutters.

"Nonsense, we're all gonna watch this show together, sit down", he instructs.

"Dad this is Amber's wife, I can't -"

"That's an order Asher!", he barks shaking the entire room, shaking me.

Now I'm certain that he controls all his children.

Asher steals a glance at me giving me a pitiful look.

He walks back to his seat .

James stands up, "Let me go get Amber", he says heading for the door.

"No, he's already seen her naked a thousand times and fucked her like the slut that she is", he says.

Those words jerk me into something I've burned For years, something I've strangled in my sleep and buried in the morning.

It's all back... the fresh memories, everything.

"Continue", he says to me but I swear I'm barely here, I'm going somewhere I've been hiding for years.

There is me barely a teenager standing completely naked with about 10p girls of my age right behind me.

We're on a ship, that ship that was supposed to carry me to a place I never want to know.

"I said strip", his voice, that was exactly how that evil man's voice was that day, commanding me to take my clothes off.

"No", I mumbled, I don't know if I said that out loud, but those were the words I told him that night and he beat the shit out of me.

"What did you say?", his voice thundered.

It was like I was reliving the moment again because everything felt so real...I wasn't here in Amber's house office, I'm on a ship in a cold dark night.

My limbs ate shaking as one thing comes upon me .

The anxiety attack .

It's back and I cannot stop it.

I feel a presence hovering over me and I'm drawn back into reality as I see him standing right in front of me with a frown on his face and a gun in his hand.

The gun suddenly starts moving from my neck down to my chest and stops in between my breasts.

"Take off the damn clothes Lexy, you were being an obedient girl I while ago, see as you're shaking in fear".

It's not fear, it's anxiety and it's not because of this now, it's about what happened before now.

"No", I mumbled.

He drags the gun down slowly and the buttons begin to fall apart and in a flash, I'm in nothing but my underwear.

Yes.

Deja Vu.

My body is welcomed by a cold slap of breeze on my semi nude body.

He's staring at me.

He's taking pride to look at my dignity

Something I've suffered for years to maintain.

All his men are here...

Amber's brothers..

His best friend...

Everyone is watching.

I can't even bare to look at their faces.

I'm humiliated, embarrassed, disgraced.

Shameless.

That's what I am

And thats what i get for growing up into a family of gangsters.

I should have never accepted the proposal in the first place.

I should have died by My parents enemies than die physically and still be alive.

"You're good for the job, you might just replace Stephanie, good body tho," he said.

.Then immediately, he walked out and I collapsed on the floor gasping for breath and I hugged myself feeling everything crashing in front of me and spinning.

I immediately feel a blanket being thrown over my nude body.

"Hey hey hey Calm down Lexy breath Lexy breath", It was James, he came in from of me and placed his hands on my shoulders trying to calm me down.

It's useless because I know that there's nothing they can do about this particular one at the moment.

I relieved the moment of pain in my life and it's only two things that'll help me get out of this mess.

It's either I cry right now, or I pass out.

Unfortunately, I can't cry.

it's impossible for me to, I've tried over the years now and all that ever happened was tiny clouds in my eyes and that was it.

So I think I'm going to pass out.

I'm saying words, but I don't know what I'm saying.

My breath his increasing and everything is spinning.

"Fuck what's happening again?", Asher's timid calm voice asked.

"Anxiety attack, her friend talked about it the other time", Aaron answered.

"What do we do now? who do we call Amber?", Asher asked again worried.

"Dude don't call him please he's already going through a lot because of this, if he finds out about this he might just actually loose it", Aaron said.

"Are you kidding me right now? fucken call Amber he's still going to find out about this sooner or later this girls life is in danger. I know I don't know much about since and stuff, but this is dangerous for her health, are you seeing the way she's breathing, did you not see when her friend ran down here please call Amber, find him wherever he is", James yelled and Asher left the office.

I closed my eyes and tried to count to ten.

To think of all the calming techniques I use to use .

I use to have this drugs for my attacks whenever they came, that was like years ago and I stopped because I got better when I moved to America.

Now I'm doomed.

"Breathe okay, just take a deep breath in and out, in , out ", James said controlling my shaky shoulders.

It was useless.

I was going to pass out any moment from now, I could feel it.

Then the door swung open and Asher came running in with Amber.

"Shit what the fuck happened?!", he shrieked.

"He made her strip and then she got into this after he left", Aaron replied.

"What!? how! What do you mean he made her strip Lexy would never do that, she rather get a bullet in her head", he said confused.

"Well man I don't know if you've noticed, but everything going on in this place is affecting her, she might be a strong woman but dude she's getting weak, we are making her weak, you are making her weak. And it's tearing her apart, what do you think is going on in her head every day and every night, huh? what do you think? it's driving het crazy man!", James said pissed.

"Please... please call Sam", I managed to say in between gasps.

I'm loosing it and I want my Best friend right beside me when I wake up.

Amber sits on the floor right behind me and gather me in his arms covering my body properly with the blanket.

His body is cold and it suddenly deals with my warm bodied temperature making me relax a little.

He does say anything, he just holds me in his hands and rock my slowly.

This is probably very weird for him because he might have never done this before.

"Just breath", is the only thing he whispers in my ear from time to time and weirdly, my body began to relax slowly.

All the nerves in my body begins to relax slowly and my breath began to go back to normal.

I hear an exhausted sigh behind me and then that's the last thing I remember.