deep remorse

KATALINA  

My heartbeats grew erratic with fear as I made my way out of the toilet. 

 

The hair on the back of my head stood straight. The look he gave me after I slapped him sent chills down my spine. 

What have I gotten myself into? Mum, what have you done? Why did you leave this mess for me to clean up? Am I cleaning up it or making it worse? What am I going to do now? 

I have no idea how we got to his house. I was in a daze throughout the trip. When we got there, I was filled with dread, thinking he would force himself on me. The thought of him touching me creeped me out. I couldn't help but think of Kelvin. His patience all this time, only for him to lose to a thug. A demon. 

He dragged me into his bedroom and wrapped his arms around me. I was bombarded with his scent. His perfume was musky, with a hint of spiciness, mixed with the pungent smell of cigars. I hated the smell of smoke and instantly felt repulsed. I tried to push him away, but he was too strong. 

He buried his nose in the nook of my neck and sniffed me like a dog. 

Paralyzed with fear, my anger faded. I went stiff and closed my eyes. 

“Please, don't do this. Please don't do this to me." I begged as tears pooled around my eyes. The little bit of dignity I still had made it hard for me to let them fall. 

He chuckled into my ears and took a bite at my earlobe. His lips were cold to the touch. My chest tightened and I thought that I was about to be devoured. 

He grabbed my chin and crushed my mouth in a forceful kiss that left me disoriented. The tears finally fell. I couldn't even fight back. I was utterly helpless and useless. I felt dirty. 

But it ended as abruptly as it started. 

“I will be stepping out for a bit. Don't wait for me, Katalina." His husky voice whispered into my ear. I could hear the trembling of his vocal cords. It was as if he was struggling to speak. 

I felt his hands falling away from my back. The movement was slow and reluctant. He let them drop to my waist, then ran them over my butt cheeks. He squeezed them while rubbing his nose around my neck and chest. He then moved away, and I heard him walk off. I waited until I heard the door open and closed before opening my eyes. 

The room was dark and smelled like him. I knew immediately that it was his bedroom. Feeling drained, I crumbled to my feet and curled up on the floor. For the first time since this nightmare started, I was truly alone and could let myself go. All I could think about was the look in Kevin's eyes back at the wedding. It haunted my soul. 

In the middle of my despair, an idea came to me. 

I stood up, wiped my eyes, and dashed out of the bedroom. Seeing no one, I felt courageous. 

I hurried downstairs and dashed out of the front door. 

I had never been to this house before and had no idea where I was. Bringing out my phone, I turned on the GPS and discovered that I was in a suburb. It wasn't too far from the city and taxis would still come this way at this time of the night. 

I quickly booked a taxi. Without waiting for it, I walked out of the compound and started walking down the road. Not long after, my taxi arrived and I gave him an address. 

A few minutes later, I arrived at the complex that used to be my weekend destination just a few hours ago. 

Stepping out of the taxi, I lifted my head and stared at his window. It was dark. Maybe he wasn't at home? 

I will just have to wait. No matter what, he must have what belonged to him. This much I wanted to do before giving up on myself. 

“Kata!" A familiar voice called my name as I stepped into the lobby of the building complex. 

Turning around, I came face to face with Lucy, one of Kevin's neighbors. I have been here so many times that I know practically everyone in this building. 

“What happened to you? You look terrible." She exclaimed with concern etched on her face. 

“I…,” 

This situation was unexpected and I didn't know what to say. Luckily, her phone rang and it seemed to be an important call. 

"Go take a shower and rest. You look like shit.” She yelled as she stepped out with the phone next to her ear. 

Nodding, I hurried to the elevator and was soon on Kevin's floor. 

I sighed in relief when I saw the empty corridor. How was I supposed to explain my pale face and red eyes? I had cried so much that even my voice had gone hoarse. 

I hurried to his door and brought out my spare key, letting myself into the apartment. 

The moment I stepped in, I heard a click and white light flooded the living room. 

Seated on the biggest couch was Kelvin. He was holding a remote control and had a bottle of wine in his hand. With no cup around, I guess he was drinking straight from the bottle. 

When I saw him, I finally understood what Lucy meant when she said I looked like shit. He had been crying in the dark and his eyes were redder than mine. To make things worse, they started burning with rage the moment he saw me. 

“Kelvin… I…”

Where exactly was I supposed to start from? 

“What are you doing here?" He growled and stood up. 

"I… Kelvin, please, listen to me. I love you and things are not what they seem.” 

Giving me an incredulous stare, he chuckled through his tears. “They are not? You didn't get married to your mother's fiance?" 

It sounded ridiculous in my ears too.

How can I not know how I sounded at that moment? But I had to do it. And at the same time, I had to compensate him for his love. It was only right. 

"I got married to him but I promise you, I didn't want to. I had to.” 

"You had to?” 

He drew in his lips and nodded aggressively. "Okay. Why did you have to do something that despicable? Can I get a reasonable explanation?” 

"I am sorry Kelvin. I can't …" I shook my head in dejection. 

“You can't tell me?” 

I shook my head with deep remorse. 

‘Then, why are you here?" 

“I…" 

Coming here to offer him my virginity sounded like the right thing to do a few minutes ago, but why were the words stuck in my throat?