If I said terminating this pregnancy had never crossed my mind—I'd be lying.I thought about it often. I thought about it when Hector said what he said. I thought about it when I saw how dysfunctionally William's family actually is. I thought about it when Lady Tracy gave me these minor gestures that came off as warnings whenever she was with her husband. I thought about it when my mother, pressured that it was for the best. I knew she had experience and I did not."I know you're awake.." William said pulling me close enough to lay back into the warmth of his chest.Yes, I was awake... I just did not want to open my eyes.This was the first morning, I had ever spent with William. I felt very weary but I pushed those thoughts aside. William would be gone for months and I was selfish enough to keep him here with me. Lady Tracy had told William to come to the Durham mansion today where they were throwing him a farewell party. That is why she had went there to plan it. It made me a bit s
vNot everything about all the moments, I had with William were sexual but they were very intimate in the most innocent way.He made us breakfast while I made the bed. It was like an alternative universe where everything was perfectly alright. Where we were freely together... where Lady Tracy did not exist sadly neither Liam. He tried to cook but burned everything; I had to remake breakfast. I understood that he had never once entered the kitchen almost all his life, if he ever did, it was to make orders. Much worse at the Gallagher mansion where they were multiple butlers. I taught him how to make an omelette. It was within the sweet gestures where he listened attentively or made a not so funny banter but between us; we found it funny.He cursed when he couldn't make his own omelet, It made me laugh. He was easily ticked off when he couldn't get something done. I suggested he made coffee, surprisingly he was all for it but I could not drink coffee, I had to have tea. That seemed like
Have you ever cried so hard that your body shook, your throat hurt and your teeth made a cluttering sound when you attempted to talk? Attempted to explain why you were crying but you just cried even more because the words refuse to come out? Have you ever cried so hard that your body physically hurt?All out of the frustration of knowing very well that no matter what you attempt to do, absolutely nothing can change the situation. In this very moment, I was crying so hard that I could feel my lungs failing to cooperate, my tears had overtaken my power to breath. I never knew it was possible to be able to feel this way only because one person.Not knowing how I had ended up in my mother's comfort... was it not always that way? She would always always be my safe haven. Every single time, I attempted to speak, I just could not.I was failing dismally... but my mother assured me that it was fine. My mom rubbed circles on my back as I continued to bawl my eyes. I suppose, when I woke up thi
I felt panicked as I blankly stared at my pocket watch. It finally really hit me when it stroked a minute past eleven.William was gone.I felt more sad than angry. In all honesty, I did not know what I was doing. My child would have to depend on a mother like me, I did not know what I was doing. Shot to pieces, emotionally not there. I knew the reason why my mother had purposely let me sleep in, if she hadn't... I did not trust myself either maybe I would have went to see William off.Why am I so stupid?My mind keeps going on as if yesterday's events did not happen. It's as if my mind is mentally wiping off the hurtful events that happened and I find myself, missing William, caring about William, concerned for him, troubled on his part.When I woke up, I thought it was all a dream and relief was all I felt until it all came cascading on top of my head like a ton of bricks. I keep trying to convince myself to stay upset. I keeping forcing myself to remember these events for my own go
Perfect now, I'm going to resemble a swollen balloon. I thought as I realized that, I had a tiny bump. Not very noticeable to the public eye but only because it's my body.. I see a difference. A week had passed, I wasn't exactly doing my best but I was trying. It's hard to try and forget about someone when their mother is constantly lurking around and still convinced that what you share with her son is purely innocent passionate love. I beg to differ.No matter how many times, I tried to explain to her that it was not like that, she wouldn't take it. Lady Martha was just as convinced as I used to be. William watching me all the time from a distance was not romantic, he was being a stalker. Nothing about this situation was romantic, she didn't seem to think so. I had only started helping out at the cotton field as of recent but it only lasted a day before I was pulled out by a very angry Mrs. Gallagher and her shadow...Hector."Panashe, I do not think—infact I have no doubt in my mind
Lady Martha had called me to have tea with her. It was her way of checking up on me. Her friends abruptly arrived and she had to attend to them. "It's been a month get over it and stop sulking." Someone said. It was a familiar voice but I just could not put my finger on it. I know this voice but not well enough. When I turned around Hector stood there with his arms crossed. "Sure, I have been listening to every conversation you have with Lady Martha; very bad manners." He added walking towards me, he sat next to me and for a moment, I was afraid. He knew more than enough. "You're trying really hard to hate William. I do not blame you. You're making up every little story in the book just to justify you hating him. What if he actually did not do it? What if he actually does love you? That's a possibility but you're doing this because you do not want to get hurt any further. This is your way of ending this... what ever you call it. Before you cut me off, bare in mind I have listened on
"Go greet your father.""No no no no, that's not father.""It is your father damnit! Go on already.""No, I don't want to! Mommy please don't make me." Liam cried clinging onto his mother. I did not understand what was transpiring infront of me. My first instinct was to protect Liam, if he did not want to greet his—Father... I paused when I saw who was crunched down with arms wide open waiting for Liam to run over to him. It was not William... he had olive green eyes and dark brown hair. A wide smile on his lips. I could hear Liam crying while Lady Tracy tried to push him towards the man in-front. He looked familiar but I couldn't quite identify him. There were so many possibilities."Come on now my boy!" The man called gruffly for Liam who could not stop crying and fighting with his mother who was trying really hard to untangle Liam's arms from her waist. Not knowing where this voice came from, I suddenly spoke up."He said he does not wish to, leave him." After saying this, I immed
Perhaps my, leaving William's letter and gift unopened in full view of my mother was a mistake. I got occupied, I had to return to the kitchen and do my duties. When I got the chance, I had just stuffed it under a pillow before going back to the main house.When I returned, I was tired and went into slumber only to have the worst possible dream. I did not want to think about it or dwell on it. The thought of it scared me to death.After thirty-minutes of looking for it. I sat back on the bed. My baby bump was growing over night, almost thirteen weeks. Still was not noticeable but I knew I had to get ready for when it would be.My mother must have taken it, there was no other person who stayed in this room. This room is small and I had searched up and down... each and every corner but I did not find it. I assumed maybe I never actually brought it here or maybe I lost it. I was being delusional, maybe I left it with Hector. Maybe I actually did bring it here. When I could not detect it,
Dear Hector.I could have sworn yesterday, just yesterday... we were together as he helped me write to you. The thought of it all fills my eyes with tears. Thank you for the letter you sent forth of your condolences, I must apologize that I did not reply almost immediately. I thank you for all your well wishes, I know if you could... you would have been here. My apologies yet again for replying only a year and a half later. I needed time, to re-evaluate everything, my life without him; well what's left of it. I needed to calm myself as I could not believe he was really gone. The last thirty-three years have been an unforgettable journey. I've had to restart this letter many times. Each time, I write and start to reminisce tears soak in the poor sheet. My heart feels heavy with hurt, I feel alone even when surrounded by all these wonderful people who care for me. I miss him every single day, his cologne, his smile, his—everything.I can not explain my sorrow and need to be with him. M
Good morrow.First off, do you understand the awkward position you're putting me in? William is writing on my behalf. I speak, he writes. I will learn soon enough, I will get better at writing but I can not bare having a horridly amateur written letter travel all the way to France to my dearest friend. You deserve the best there is and that is my husband's rather stunning handwriting.(Ps. It's William, how are you Hector? She doesn't know I wrote this part.)William and I are expecting, that is how I bribed him into hand writing my letter for me while I sat back and simply talked. The baby could be here anytime now, perhaps a day? A week? Who knows it's nine months already... with Christian you remember how he came early. I still can not fathom that I will go through with this again? I cried like a little child during Christian's birth. I'm only hopeful that this one goes just as smoothly. Besides, the perks of having a lifelong partner who happens to be a doctor could make it somewh
Bonjour madameI'm well aware that you were not expecting this but here, I am to inform you that I'm alive living in Lyon and still as faggot as could be. (dear lord Jesus I pray this does not fall in the wrong hands). If it does, I repeat... I Hector, I'm alive, well; learnt a bit of French and as homophile as could be. You, my dear friend probably assumed I'd be quick to forget you? I'd never, we've been through so much together. The past eight years of sorrows although I must admit when we first spoke, I should not have told you to hang yourself. In my defense... I was jealous because I was not the one William Gallagher was swooning over. My, asking you to hang yourself... that was very malicious. Especially in your state of pregnancy with my godson. I truly regret and take back my words when I stumble upon that memory in my thoughts.How I miss, England... France is stupendous, the French language is just comely very difficult but how I miss being around people who actually unders
"...uh William?""Yes darlin, I'm here." He said snuggling closer and enveloping her with his large arms. She fit perfectly."Where's my mother?" She asked.This caught William off guard, he had not expected her to ask of her as soon as she woke up. He did not want her to stress over pointless issues such as Doris but being fair, Doris was her mother and she had every right to know.He knew Panashe always always took her mother back no matter what, he was very much fearful of her asking for her mother. With her expecting there was no telling whether she would be happy or fuming."I—""You did what?""I've made a decision and from here on she will reside at a different plantation..""The Cunningham ranch?" She asked, that was the only ranch that was closer to theirs. William took his time replying... "She is better off far from here.""Where?""In another city far away from us? See what she did that was unforgivable! She wanted to take her life on my mother's porch, Doris is mental and
"If you dare take a step in my father's home, Doris!""I'm coming inside be it you like it or not. That is my daughter and and—" Doris stuttered, grieving fear that her daughter could die settled in. Her face went stale with fear... desperate to see to her daughter's needs. "I love her so much, I miss her dearly. You can not possibly be as vile as to leave me here. I gave birth to her, she is my little girl and I can't bare you manipulating her into being a white mans whore."With that, William had bottled up enough. His hand had been itching to do the unthinkable. He was worried for Panashe and here again he has to continue dealing with Doris. He wondered just how long he would have to deal with her.Everything had been going well until she came with her tantrums. Panashe was doing well until her mother came like the devil she is waiting to take away her happiness."Master William, she is heating up..." One of the maids who had been at Panashe's care told him.His heart dropped, he w
As they sat on the balcony enjoying the sun that rarely ever came out in England.Panashe had made lunch, it gave her an opportunity to treat the kitchen stuff with some human decency such as giving them a break or some days off.They saw Ralph Gallagher arriving from his date, the sixteen year old seemed aflamed, a visible grin on his face. Panashe could only hope that all had went well with Sandy.Liam had wanted to prove to his half brothers that negroes were normal people just like them, in doing so... he invited Ralph and Chester to meet Panashe.It had taken weeks to get acquainted and used to each other but with Panashe being very likable and accommodating... it was easy for Ralph and Chester to see why Liam loved her and could not blabbering about his childhood memories."Teenagers are gross!" Chester said to Liam who agreed with a chuckle and a look of disgust. Christian and Addie only seemed confused as they ate their food."He will probably talk about Sandy Hemings for an h
Hugging the blankets closer to her body, she could hear the echoes of kids laughing, playing and running around the corridors of the huge Gallagher home. She assumed, she had heard Liam but knowing the situation and how he had developed some sort of abhorrence and never failed his hostility towards her.A feeling of sadness had overcame her emotions lately. As much as she had confronted her mother and felt good about it... she couldn't help but feel sad.Not for her mother or their broken relationship, not for anyone or anything. It was overwhelming to think about everything she had been through. The tragedies that she had stumbled upon, the overwhelming feeling that this was her life.Maybe she did not deserve to have all the she had? Williams love and affection? The anxious feeling of knowing someday she might lose his love and attention. Her heart and mind her told her that she was not entirely alone... she had her son and William but a feeling of a dread always sneaked in and remi
Chester Gallagher was quick to pin Liam to the ground. Ruffling his hair in a playful manner, Liam groaned. "Off me you bloody gibface.""Ohh did your mental mother teach you that one?" He chuckled, seemingly not offended.Groaning with anger, Liam grabbed a handful of Chester's hair making him wince. "Quit being a meater Liam and fight me with you fists...""No chance, hornswoggler!""Wait—" Chester said offended. "Did Ralph teach you that?""Maybe..""RALPH!!!" They both yelled.The young man entered the room only to see the two brawling at each other like animals. Reading his mail, he only turned to look the other way."Why did you teach him that?" Chester asked a tad bit hurt. "I thought I was your favorite brother—"Liam finally sat up breathing hard after having been pinned down for too long by his nearly obese half brother."Well, Liam helped me say a few kind words to Sandy... in my last letter." Ralph replied. "Look here, she replied. She even called me handsome worthy...""T
Even though seventy-two hours had passed, she could still feel the present ache of disappointment, hurt, frustration?Panashe did not know how to feel. Her tears refused to fall, she told everyone she was doing alright. She smiled but beneath it all she could feel the anger and hatred towards her mother growing and growing... William had questioned how she wanted to handle the whole situation but she told him, she would deal with it and that she did. Doris was no longer her mother, they were merely strangers and she had made that very clear on their last encounter.—"Panashe, did you see what that lover of yours did to me?" Her mother let out crocodile tears. "How can he shame me in front of all those people? Manhandle me in the presence of the people I live with..."Panashe crossed her arms allowing her mother to talk. "You only came to see me as of late? Why now? You have been distributing goodies for everyone but now you're here out of guilt?" This made Panashe let out a bitter