Nineteen

CHAPTER 19

GLENN

Is there any finality to a man's soul than death?

Feeling frustrated death was the only way out for me at the moment. I felt miserable, when did death become an option for me? I had been pushed around and was now tired. Pain wasn't even close to what I was feeling, I couldn't express what I was feeling but I knew it was more than terrible.

It wasn't what anyone would wish to go through, everyone deservesy happiness in their life! I also deserve it, but was shown none! I was rather given the opposite! My life was a mess!

I took a staggered breath as I rested my head on the bark of the tree.

Slowly, this has started to be one of my favorite positions. I had so many dark thoughts filled in my mind as I sat down.

It felt like my walls were finally closing, I had fought against having such thoughts and was now tired. I had succumbed to these dark thoughts and now, there wasn't any going back.

Was all of this worth it? What was my reason for existence in the first place? I craved happiness and attention so dearly but got none. I felt so alone, with nothing but the sound of the wind with me.

It has always been like this, my only companion was the wind which gently moved. Even the wind didn't care about me and was just on its own.

Why was this always happening to me? Didn't I deserve happiness also? Ever since I was a pup, my parents never hid their disgust for me. They would always compare me with other pups, not even caring about my feelings.

I had always felt like the odd one every single time, from my family to friends to other pack members. They always had a judgemental look that made my skin crawl.

I never felt complete, I had always felt like I wasn't enough and didn't meet up to anyone’s expectations despite all my trials. Why couldn't I be like others, who attracted people to themselves?

I was like a plaque that everyone avoided and rather snorted even when I tried to get their attention. It all got to me, I had tried to act fine with everything but I was the stark opposite. My heart was in pain, I was constantly in pain every time!

I hit my head slowly, trying not to shed tears that threatened to spill. “Don't do this, they don't deserve your tears,” I said to myself, taking a breath to calm my nerves.

When I was a pup, something had happened and I had promised myself never to shed tears because of these people.

My parents had talked about the family going for a trip and then taking the pups to the park. The pups, including me, had all been excited about it and we were slowly anticipating the day.

The day had come, and everyone had dressed up. My parents had asked me to get something and before I could get back, everyone was gone! I was left alone in the house, tears stung my eyes and I cried till they all got back.

Everyone laughed at me for crying and started saying mean things to me. After that day, I promised myself never to cry because of these people. They all wanted to see me in my vulnerable state so they could all laugh and make fun of me but I made sure not to give them any chance to and I was never going to!!

What was the use anyway? Why was I still alive? No one ever cared for me, even my parents weren't an objection. Maybe death was the only option for me, I refuse to be a burden to anyone!

My parents never lost any chance to shove how big of a burden I was. They would always say they were sure I wasn't going to find my mate as I didn't even have one and I was beginning to believe them. Maybe I didn't even have a mate and that is why I haven't found him.

Since I wasn't important to anyone then my existence wasn't even justified. I got up abruptly, scanning the trees to spot the remedy to my solution. Just in this case, my remedy was death!

“That should be it,” I muttered to myself. I stood on my toes and tried to catch the wild berries just above my head. “Only if I could just find a stick,” I thought. I could have changed to my wolf form and jumped but I didn't want my wolf around me.

She was totally against the idea and I had to lock her away. I needed this, I couldn't continue this way. If she was around, I was sure she was going to make me heal from whatever I was doing to myself and I didn't want that. She still believes that I have a mate and soon enough we are going to find him.

That was a dream that will never come to reality and I had learned to accept that fact.

I finally found a stick and gently hit the tree, causing the wild berries to fall. Smiling triumphantly, I picked it up and stared at it.

Reality hit me, I paced around wondering if I was making the right decision. But was there any other solution? I had tried all I could do to get love and attention from everyone but it wasn't working. They all seemed to despise me for reasons best known to them.

“This is the best for you,” I assured myself. I plucked one of the berries and gently chewed it, it tasted very sour and I had to close my eyes before swallowing it.

I managed to eat two more before taking my former position. The effect of the berries wasn't just going to start immediately, not wanting to witness it I decided to take a quick nap.

My eyes were wide open and I couldn't sleep for some reason. “Just sleep,” I said to myself. I rolled my eyes after my attempt to sleep didn't work for the umpteenth time.

Still attempting to sleep, I felt an intense pain at the side of my stomach. “Shit!” I mumbled as I tried to adjust myself properly. Before I could take another move, the pain started again and this time was unbearable.

I shrieked painfully as tears stung my eyes. “Was this it?” I asked no one in particular. My eyes closed as I slipped into unconsciousness.

********

My eyes fluttered open as I looked around my surroundings. “Where was I?” I asked. My eyes widened in shock, this couldn't be possible.

“I am still alive?!” I said, quickly rising. I ruffled my hair as I groaned in desperation.

I was almost sure I was going to die after going through such pain earlier. “Just die!” I screamed angrily.

This wasn't what I had planned, I wasn't even supposed to be alive! “I am nothing but a piece of shit, why can't I just leave this world!” I screamed again. I yelped loudly in frustration as tears stung my eyes.

I have been living in pain and misery all my life, I never experienced any love that other pups received. I was neglected and abused and now I also couldn't kick the bucket?! Why was the world so cruel to me, what did I do?!

Whatever happens, I had decided to die today and I was going to. I started thinking of what else I could do, I was a werewolf and couldn't just be killed by anything.

“The vines!” I let out to myself. Earlier, while I was searching for the berries I had come across vines that were on some trees. That was the perfect solution, I got on my feet and made my way to the tree I had seen earlier.

I got to the tree after some time and smiled to myself, it was right there staring at me. Without even thinking of anything, I hanged myself on a vine but it snapped just before it could even grip. Hissing loudly, I found another one and swung myself on it.

This time, the vines gripped my neck tightly. My breaths were shortened, as it choked me tightly. Resisting the urge to fight away the vine, I coughed loudly.

With each passing minute, my breaths became slower as I could barely breathe. I coughed more, as my body was starting to become lighter. “This was finally the end,” I thought to myself.

I managed to take some air in as I was near death. Everywhere was spinning and I felt very dizzy. My eyes closed voluntarily as I took my last few breaths. “Maybe in my afterlife, I was going to be of some relevance to someone,” I thought as pain shot across my chest.

Just before I could close my eyes, I felt a presence at my back before I finally slipped into unconsciousness.