Eighty nine

CHAPTER 89

SANTIAGO

They say when madness is never just the state of one psychological state, it is the state of the heart as well. At this moment I wasn't even disputing the fact that I was totally insane.

I was insane about everything, I was insane at the speed or was going at and I couldn't even stop it — I was insane about life, love and my lust.

Everything looked like it was stuck in one part of my brain and I had to deal with it.

A lot of things changed from the last night I was Glenn and if I was to start reading them out it would be numbering to a hundred— literally.

At first it was as though my thoughts were in two ways: First was perhaps the fact that I was starting to accept the fact that the child was mine and secondly because I was still mad at Glenn for no justified reasons.

As the matter became more clearer, it turned out that it came down to my self esteem. After the test for the pregnancy had turned out positive in some way all i felt was this kind of guilt that couldn't be explained.

The feeling was right there at the back of my mind and there was no way for me to stop it, while I still thought about her, some certain norms didn't change.

For instance, I stopped seeing her all together. No more going to the mall or places I knew I'd bump into her and she made it easier by not calling to.

I had to admit it was the most difficult thing I had to do, at the same time I couldn't help it . It was more like a sacrifice I had to pay and I did it discreetly.

The fact that the envelope was still missing added weight to me psychologically as well. I felt bothered as well with it and hoped that somehow something would come up and I might have a way out of this maze that was filling my mind.

Martha took advantage of these days, she rarely brought anything to Martha or got into a fight, while it seemed like I had gone against what I would call an ethical dilemma of getting my colleague pregnant, the fact we owned different rooms made it easier.

Perhaps all these would have continued if I didn't go to her room that third week, for some reasons I had been concerned about her coming home dead drunk a couple of nights ago.

One of my concerns had been the fact that she was pregnant and that shouldn't be normal right?

It was this same concern that had prompted me to end up in her room, by that time of the morning she had given a flimsy excuse of going to the gym while she didn't look dressed for it.

At first, I had wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt that she was dealing with her raging pregnancy hormones but there and then like they would say you can't always trust a leopard to change its spot.

I shouldn't be snooping around her things but I was, starting from her dresser to her closet, the pillows had just one task at hand and that was to find evidence that was seeing someone.

I was still dealing with the thought when my hand had knocked her bag to the ground, spilling its contents to the floor..

Groaning heavily I went on one knees gathering the contents when I saw it, the fucking brown envelope.

At first I didn't know what to believe, some part of me was refusing the fact that it had actually been the same envelope I had been after for weeks— Upon opening it m, whatever curiosity I had was satisfied and replaced with shock as many questions went throughout my mind at that moment.

Questions filled my mind, weird questions that demanded answers…

Almost e had she had it all along?

Was it her plans to cajole me?

All these thoughts filled my mind even as I gave in to Silence.

For some reasons I did blame myself and I didn't know why, all the thoughts that filled my mind were the ones of what if.

At first, I had been divided about my next action. At first I had thought about calling her — Glenn to apologize but again I couldn't face her as I still felt that guilt.

Guess I was right after all… it was hard for women as manipulative Nas her to change.

We were three week's late already so I got into work almost immediately. The next moment was just me distracting myself with what could top secret information.

I was still reading through when she walked in.

****

The truth was I didn't know how she should exactly have reacted but the look of shock on her face make anyone assume that I hadn't found it in her bag.

She had to be a very good actress or perhaps I had been that fool that had been accepting her known flaws for a long time.

Perhaps, it was much better I'd just acted like she didn't see it…

The moment she had faked shock at seeing it, my brain went berserk, the Quiet day I had been having to myself suddenly turmoil.

"Are you saying you are just seeing this shit for the first time? " I hollered.

My nerves were racing as I heaved heavily.

" I don't understand Santi, why are you mad at me? "

Was it just me or was she actually trying to act innocent?

I thought to myself Wondering if I was Indeed a fool to be treated this way and over.

"You are a liar from the pit of hell!"

"Santiago!" Her face widened with shock…

Some part of her wouldn't believe I was uttering those words, it was hard to explain but the words sank deeply into her heart.

She looked visibly shaken, so shaken that no one would have believed where I found the envelope.

"I found this in your bag, how do you explain that?"

"My bag?" She grimaced.

"You are such a pretender." I muttered angrily before storming away.

I hadn’t lived a life that was much different from all of these, no matter what I tried to convey or try to act out like it all turned out that someone would try to manipulate me.

I’d seen it happen to many men, at the end the women turn out to be the victim and the man a Villian.

That was how most people saw this — They might overlook the fact that I had been manipulated by this woman twice.

With her heavy sobs filling up the room I was almost swayed in her direction, if I didn't know her too well, I would have felt this type of guilt but good thing I knew how manipulative she could be.

.

I’d watched her doing these a lot of times and had become immune to it , at some point I didn't even bother to check in on her as I didn't care.

She had lied right to my face again and again —perhaps I was that fool she took me for. That fool with a dark-stained mindset.

It turned out that I couldn't take any of her tears any longer, I was forced to leave like I always had, other times I would have found a way to my lover this time I didn't…

I merely drove to the front of her apartment and stood there for a while. I waited, a long minute passed and it didn't look like anyone was home.

I walked to her door and knocked twice when I couldn't restrain myself anymore, when no one replied I assumed she wasn't home and decided to perhaps leave a note.

Never felt cold this way, this particular one was right there in my heart. . Never felt as if my life could be gone, just like that… And yet I could see it fading away.

My attention was drawn to the paperwork in her bin, and picking it up I saw it was a folded envelope with the Receipts of Payment.

I was surprised at this and assumed it must have been a mistake, so I tucked it under her door after noting in it that I had come to check up on her.

The cold in my veins froze to ice as I drove back home, it was funny that I didn't get to see her yet that feel of her voice cutting through the drumming and my emotions made it easy to accept.

She was curled on the floor asleep…

I thought it would be cruel to leave her that way and so feeling a wave of concern I lifted her and took her to the room.

I shut the door behind me when I was done,in a way I could feel my lungs burning in need of air as I sat back at the table and didn’t move a muscle as I stared at the letter again.

Without conviction this was going to be a long night…