Chapter four - Cleo

The rest of the day goes relatively simply, I get stared at for most of it, but they're the curious stares you give to a stranger, nothing malicious or suspicious and I even manage to chat to a few people in my classes, only about the lesson, but it's definitely a start. 

I even see the two groups that fought this morning all chatting and messing around together as I pass them in the hallway. I'm beyond confused about how they can be so friendly whilst still sporting the bruises from their fight.

Before meeting the others at lunchtime, I ring my mum to let her know I'm ok. She still sounds worried so I reassure her that everyone's been really friendly, conveniently omitting the fight this morning from my story and instead telling her that the kids that you'd suspect would make your life miserable, are actually friends with the ones you'd expect them to bully and all have made me feel quite welcome. 

When I mention that Aurora has invited me around to hers after school tonight, mum nearly deafens me, squealing with joy down the phone and I hold it away from my ear until she stops. 

She quickly tells me she's transferring £100 into my bank account, just in case I need to buy food or anything else for the few hours I'll be with them and then encourages me to go and find my new friends before reminding me to keep my phone with me in case of emergency.

*

"You still want to come over?" Aurora asks, packing her bag at the end of our last class.

"Um…. If that's still ok?" 

"Yes, definitely, was just checking. Come on." She links her arm through mine again and we head outside where the other girls are already waiting on some benches. 

They get up as soon as they see us and we walk to a nearby car park to squeeze into Aurora's car. 

Because I don't know them all that well yet, they offer me the front passenger seat, chatting continuously throughout the short journey. 

I try to join in, but my nerves are getting the better of me, so mostly I plaster a smile on my face and listen, hoping I'm nodding in the right places and not coming off as too weird. 

It still feels a little confusing to have people being so friendly and although I keep trying to reassure myself that they're just nice people, the fear that they're tricking me into something has been growing for the last few hours.

The fear amplifies when we get to Aurora's house, everyone climbs out and she tells me the others are already inside, preparing everything for our night. 

A girl pulls up beside us, waving but as soon as she steps out wearing the uniform from Carlton academy, my heart stops.

"Hi, I rushed straight over from school and I'm desperate for the loo." She pauses briefly to shout towards us before running inside the house. 

My heart starts thumping and spots flicker across my vision as though I'm about to faint.

"I… I…" I start to stutter, looking around frantically for an escape.

Aurora puts her hand on my arm, rubbing it gently and humming to me in a calming tone. 

Even stranger is the fact that it works, my heartbeat starts to calm and when my vision clears, I realise it's only the two of us outside the house now.

"I sent them in, I used to get panic attacks too and it was always worse when I had an audience." I smile gratefully at her and my lips crack, Aurora seems to have anticipated this and is already offering me a bottle of water. "I got into the habit of keeping one with me, just in case."

"Thanks." I croak, sipping on the cool water and she eyes me carefully.

"I don't know what caused it and I won't ask, but if you want to tell me I'm a good listener. Also, you're perfectly safe with us, I promise." She giggles for a second before leaning closer. "The worst that will happen is Luke will hit on you, he's lovely and obviously a very beautiful man. Although don't tell Shane I said that." 

She laughs again and I force myself to smile back at her with a confidence I don't yet feel. I focus on my breathing, in through my nose and out through my mouth, like I've read about online.

"But sadly for the many, many girls that want him, he doesn't like to be tied to one for too long. He's the epitome of a manwhore and he wouldn't even object to the term, he's very honest about the fact he's only interested in one thing, so at least he doesn't lead girls on I guess. That doesn't stop them though, his theory, which I do find a little depressing, is that they're not so much interested in him, as they are the ability to brag about sleeping with him. You know, like it's some sort of achievement for them to have bagged the hardest guy at school."

Once again, she links her arm with mine and leads me to the door, continuing her chatter which I'm fairly sure is more in a bid to distract me from my own thoughts than because she normally has one sided conversations like this.

"So, I said to Shane that in about five or six years, I reckon one of those women is going to turn up on his doorstep with a beautiful little blonde child, excited to finally meet its daddy. And then he says Luke's paranoid about that sort of thing and is always super careful when it comes to contraception, so maybe not." She laughs again, glancing at me. "I need to stop talking about Luke and sex. Are you feeling ok to go in now?"

"Uh… Yeah, sure, it's just... that girl, the one from Carlton? Is she a friend of yours?" I glance at Aurora and she's studying me carefully.

"Danielle? Yeah, she's Rae's girlfriend. Do you know each other?" 

"No, no, not really." I shake my head a little too aggressively and I know she must know something's wrong but just as she's about to open her mouth, a brown haired boy jogs up the path, pulling Rory into a hug.

"Hi, I'm Danny." He offers me his hand and something about his easy grin puts me completely at ease.

"Hi, I'm Cleo." He's still got his arm around Aurora's shoulders and she's automatically leaning towards him. If I hadn't already met her boyfriend, I'd have assumed this was who he was. "I don't think I saw you at school today?"

"Pfft. No, I go to Saint Paul's, it's a much better school." He squeezes Aurora's shoulders, then covers her ears and leans towards me, a mischievous look in his eyes. "My school is for serious students, not this sort of riffraff."

"Hey I can hear you." Aurora laughs, shoving him away from her, then her eyes go back to me. "Ignore him, he's just jealous because our school beat his at football and rugby last year and he plays both."

"Because you cheated." He laughs and then nods towards the door. "Shall we go in, it's freezing out here."

"Yes indeedy." Aurora opens the door and we step into the flurry of activity going on inside. 

Rae and Priya are grabbing things from the fridge and cupboards, loading it into Billy's arms. He's only just visible over the increasing stash of junk food and I can't help but laugh as they keep grabbing more and more things.

Shane is peering into the oven and when he turns around brandishing a pizza, I notice the kiss the cook apron that looks ridiculous but still attractive on his rugged, muscular frame.

"I thought we were buying dinner." Aurora wraps her arms around his waist, standing on her tiptoes to kiss him.

"Thank you for cooking, baby." Shane says sarcastically, twisting in her arms to pull out another pizza while Jenny rolls the pizza cutter over the first one.

"Thank you for cooking, baby." Aurora repeats, her eyes locked on his face and the loving look that passes between them makes my heart ache for Colin, even though I don't remember him ever looking at me like that the entire time we were together.

"You're welcome." He pulls her close and kisses her, keeping his arms around her when he breaks away. "Robertson's is closed tonight. I dunno why, so we did an emergency pizza run to the shops. Oh hi, Cleo, right?" Shane somehow takes off the apron while still hugging her and nods in my direction. "First day go ok?"

"Yes, thank you." I answer politely, still unsure how to force myself to be comfortable around these terrifying guys, especially after seeing what they're capable of.

An awkward silence follows until Aurora picks up one of the pizzas and tells us to follow her through to the living room

The girls are already setting out food and drinks, while Billy stands patiently waiting to be unloaded. 

Luke is lounging on a chair flicking channels on the TV, Priya flips down on the sofa close beside Danny and the way he grins at her makes it obvious they're a couple. They don't kiss, or even seem to touch, unlike Aurora and Shane, who seem unable to be in the same room without some sort of physical contact, but there's a shy intimacy there which makes me wonder if they haven't been together that long.

Footsteps on the stairs make me glance up and I recognise the girl wearing the Carlton Academy uniform as Danielle Liscombe. We didn't know each other and I'm willing to bet she didn't know of my existence a few months ago, but the recognition is there in her eyes now.

"Dan, this is Cleo, she's just started at our school today. Cleo, this is my girlfriend, Danielle, she goes to Carlton Academy across town." Rae says cheerfully, placing empty glasses around the coffee table within reach of everyone, various bottles of fizzy already beneath the table.

I try to speak but I can't take my eyes off of Danielle, waiting to see if she'll tell them everything and ruin the fresh start I'd so desperately hoped for.

How could I ever think I could make a fresh start in a school so close to my last one? Why didn't I expect there to be crossovers?

"Uh…"

"Cleo, right? I vaguely remember you from school." Danielle interrupts and I nod, ignoring the curious look from the girls who clearly wonder why I've moved only a few miles from my old school, when I told them it was my dad's work thing. "I've left something in my car, can you come and help me?"

"I'll help you?" Rae says and Danielle kisses her cheek and whispers something in her ear, she nods and stays in her seat when Danielle stands up and gestures for me to follow her back outside.

"I heard you'd left Carlton and I don't blame you, I would have left if I were you. What people were saying… What they did…" She shakes her head, pressing a button to unlock her car. "I'm really sorry, I felt so bad, I should have helped you somehow."

"Thank you." I gulp down the tears that threaten to fall for the millionth time since it happened. "You don't need to feel bad though, we didn't know each other."

She's staring at me, a sympathetic smile on her face and . 

"Look, I know it's a lot to ask, but can you do me a favour and just not tell anyone back at Carlton where I am please?"

"Oh of course, that goes without saying."

"And would you mind not mentioning what happened to these guys, I think I like them, it would be nice to have some friendly people around, at least until the end of school. I know they're your friends, but I swear, what I did was totally out of character. I only want to get through this year without any hassle and then I'll disappear." I cringe at the desperation in my own voice, but she reaches out and grabs my hand, squeezing it.

"Do you actually think you deserved what happened?" I nod, swallowing down the guilt at the look on Colin's face when he saw the photo. I don't think I've ever felt worse, he was so hurt. "Look, you cheated on your boyfriend when you were drunk. It's not ideal, but it doesn't mean you deserved to be bullied like that. No one does." 

I open my mouth to explain but she holds her hand up to stop me.

"Everyone does stupid shit when they're drunk. It's done, you can't change it, stop feeling so guilty and don't let it ruin your life." 

She speaks with such conviction that I want to believe her. I want to stop hating myself, but then Colin's devastated face flashes through my head again and the guilt worms its way deep into my stomach.

She squeezes my hand again, nodding back towards the house. 

"This lot are nice, and I mean really nice. Even the guys, I know they look scary, but you don't have to worry. I think you should tell them what happened, maybe not tonight, but soon, they wouldn't think badly of you. They're not like the people at our school, sorry, my school." 

"Still, I'd rather they didn't find out. It wasn't like me at all, I can't explain it. I know it sounds like an excuse, but I've never ever done that sort of thing, ever. I don't actually remember sleeping with those guys either, if it wasn't for the rumours I wouldn't have known anything had happened." 

"You don't have to explain yourself and I won't tell them anything. I'm just saying, they won't judge you and that might be good, make you feel less alone." She leans into the car and throws some things around before picking up a big bar of chocolate. "Lucky this was in here, Luke's nosey enough to ask what we came out here for, so we can't come back empty handed."

"Why the fuck did you need her help for that?" Luke scoffs as soon as Danielle drops the chocolate onto the table.

"Mind your own." She pokes her tongue out at him, sliding back onto the sofa beside Rae.

"Do you remember when people were scared of you, Luke?" Shane laughs with genuine amusement at his friend, leaning forward and grabbing two slices of pizza from the table, handing one to Aurora and taking a big bite of his own.

"Yeah, what the fuck happened?" He glares angrily around the room and everyone laughs at him, then his eyes narrow on Aurora. "Actually, I blame you. You ruined my good name. Now people think I'm soft."

"Hardly." She snorts a laugh and hands the crust of her pizza back to Shane, who inhales it in one bite. "Everyone at school's still terrified of you. It's only us that know you're just an angry little kitten."

The others all burst out laughing again and I stare at the two of them, equally amazed at her bravery as well as horrified by her stupidity. I mean, surely she knows what he's capable of? Why would she antagonise him?

"Excuse me, what? An angry little kitten? I'll show you a fucking angry kitten." He jumps up from his chair and Aurora does the same, squealing and running into the kitchen with him close behind her. 

There's shouts, screams and hysterical laughter, but no one makes a move to intervene, they just continue with their conversations and pick at the food as though the scariest guy I've ever seen isn't currently making Aurora scream for help. Shane gets up and I watch him, wondering if he's going to help his girlfriend, but instead he just grabs the remote and changes the channel.

"Oooo stop, go back, I really want to see this." Jenny squeals, jumping up and down on her seat and pointing at the trailer for a new rom-com.

"Me too." Danielle waves her hands towards herself in excitement.

"It's a shitty chick flick." Billy mutters and Jenny tosses a pillow at him. He must have anticipated it because he catches it one handed and before she can react it's colliding with the side of her head.

"I just creamed on your girlfriend." Luke struts back into the room and chucks a can of squirty cream at Shane, before dropping back into his chair. "What the fuck are you watching?"

Aurora walks in, her hair drenched and big white blobs of squirty cream stuck to her. She pokes Shane in the arm, nodding at the can of squirty cream in his hand.

"Oi, do your boyfriendly duty and avenge me, or at least give me the can and hold him down." Aurora tries to sound angry but it's obvious she's struggling not to laugh.

He shakes his head and chucks the can to Billy who starts adding it to some chocolate profiteroles in a bowl on the table.

As though her friend isn't standing there, looking like a Sundae, Jenny picks one out, holding it towards Billy and without a word, he squirts a little tower on top and she pops it into her mouth.

"Oh yeah, that's so good." She says, grabbing another for him to do the same.

"Urgh, I stink of cream now." Aurora picks up a clump of sticky looking hair and sniffs it.

"You did call him an angry kitten. What did you expect?" Shane stands up and licks some cream off her nose. Tossing the remote at Luke, he grabs her hand and pulls her towards the stairs. "Don't start without us."

"Where're you going?" Billy shouts as Shane is dragging behind him.

"To de-cream." He calls back, sticking his finger up at Billy and Luke when they shout lewd suggestions of what they're really going to do, the both of them cackling with laughter.

I watch them all in quiet fascination. My friends were never like this with one another and I feel like I've missed out on a level of friendship I never knew existed, they all seem so content with each other, as though they're more family than friends, which makes me wonder where Aurora's parents are since we've taken over the entire downstairs without seeing them.

"It's not usually like this." Priya giggles, offering the plate of pizza to me and gesturing at the group who are all happily scoffing the food. "Help yourself before it's all gone."

"So, Cleo, have you got a boyfriend?" Jenny asks, leaning her elbows on her knees and popping Skittles in her mouth as she waits for my reply.

"Or a girlfriend." Billy adds, then holds his hands up in defense when they all look at him. "Hey, I'm not being weird, you're obviously about to try setting her up and you don't know what she's interested in."

"Um… no, I've not long split up with my ex, so I'm not interested in meeting anyone." I say, meeting Danielle's eye. 

She smiles at me reassuringly and then Billy's nudging my arm with his massive hand, a banana with chocolate and cream dripping down the sides offered out.

"Try it, it's amazing." He says, wiggling the banana towards me. As soon as I take it, he grins at me. "If you're not over your ex yet, you should take Luke's advice and pull someone else. To get over one person, you jump straight back under someone else, multiple someone else's is even better, isn't that right, Luke?" 

"Exactly that." Luke winks at me and I can feel myself blushing under his direct and obvious flirtation. "I can definitely help with that if you want."

"That didn't work too well for Rory though, did it?" Jenny giggles and they all start laughing, just as Shane and Aurora walk back into the room

"What didn't work out well for me?" She narrows her eyes suspiciously at Jenny and I feel out of the loop as everyone starts laughing again.

"Can we make jokes about that already? I've been waiting for fucking ages. It's been killing me." Billy almost leaps out of his seat and Shane clips him around the back of his head. Billy glares at him and points at Jenny. "Hey, she started it, slap her, not me."

"Nothing happened." Shane pulls Aurora down on his lap and I look back and forth at them all, wondering what could have possibly happened.

"Aurora tried to seduce Luke to get over Shane." Priya quickly explains when she sees my confusion and I can't stop my mouth dropping open.

How are they all still friends?

"In my defense I was incredibly drunk and broken-hearted. I had no idea what I was doing and I didn't remember anything the next day." Her words hit so close to home, she could have been talking about me on that night. "And, because despite appearances, Luke is a gentleman, he wouldn't do it, he didn't want me doing something I would regret."

"See, this here is what I'm talking about, you're ruining my reputation with all your gentleman bullshit." Luke complains, glaring at her like she really is insulting him and she blows him a kiss that makes him shake his head and sigh. "I am a very bad man. Don't make me regret not giving you what you were begging me for. I'll take you upstairs right now." 

They argue back and forth, everyone is laughing and chatting, taking the mick out of each other and they make sure to include me as though I'm not a complete stranger they only met a few hours ago.

It's nice, but something about the way they are together or maybe it's what they've said, has me zoning out and back to that night and I realise Danielle might be right. 

Aurora said Luke didn't touch her because she was drunk. He did what was right and now they're all laughing and joking about her stupid behaviour, no one's judging her or making her feel bad for it, not like they did to me. It makes me realise how desperately I want them to accept me into their group, permanently.

"Everyone shut up, it's starting." Rae announces, grabbing the remote out of Luke's hand and turning the TV up.

"See what you've done." Luke points at Rae while looking at Aurora accusingly. "Before you came along, no one would have dared speak to me like that or take anything from me without expecting at least a slap. Now I've got a whole room of you fuckers who don't give it a second thought."

"You love us though, so you wouldn't change it." Jenny smirks, offering him the bowl of skittles, he grabs a handful and holds them in his lap.

"I'm not so sure." He grumbles, but he's smiling and when he catches me watching him he sends me a friendly wink.

"Seriously, you need to stop, it's on." Rae complains, pointing to the TV which she's paused and suddenly all eyes are on the screen and the only discussions are over what the answer to the questions could be.

"Cleo, I can't find you on F******k." Jenny says when the programme finishes, she's got her phone in her hand as she waits patiently for me to direct her to my account.

"I um… I don't have F******k." I say, not adding that I deleted mine after what happened to stop all the hateful messages and comments.

"How can you not have F******k? Everyone has F******k." Billy looks at me as though I've just flown in from Mars and the obvious confusion on his face makes me laugh properly for the first time since I got here.

"I just took a break from it for a while, I might start it up again." I realise I actually mean it too, which feels like a little breakthrough, finally.

If Aurora can carry on as though it doesn't matter, why can't I?

"Do it, do it." Priya singsongs happily. "We can add you then and group message you if we're going out or anything."

"Talking of which, for those that don't already know, party at mine Friday night and as per, those that want to sleep over can do. Just bring a sleeping bag." Danny adds, looking at me as if to make sure I know I'm included and it's almost enough to make me cry. 

"Can we go bowling first? I've been fancying the curly fries they do there for like a week." Jenny adds, she looks at me and lowers her voice but not by much. "Have you ever tried them? I don't know what it is, but whenever I'm on my period I can't not have them. Most girls want chocolate, I want greasy curly fries."

"Omg, really, I thought I was the only non chocolate one. I go for meat, like proper bloody steaks." Danielle sits upright.

"And on that note, I need a fag." Luke stands up and glares at Aurora again. "I blame you for having to listen to all this sort of shit."

"Love you Lucas." She calls as he goes outside, closely followed by Billy and Shane. "Anyway, Friday, bring a bag of spare clothes to school, we'll get changed then head over to the bowling alley." Aurora instructs in a voice that tells me she won't take no for an answer and it's hard to resist the urge to hug them all and thank them for accepting me so readily.

*

"Hey sweetheart, how was it?" My mum looks up from her book on the sofa, her face looks relaxed for the first time in months and I'm so pleased that she hasn't spent all day worrying about me.

"Really, really good, they've invited me bowling and to a house party on Friday night." I realise my cheeks are hurting from smiling so much this evening and I can't wait for tomorrow.

"A house party? Are you sure that's a good idea?" My mum's voice is tight with apprehension, but she visibly relaxes when I nod at her.

"Yeah, they're so different here Mum. I haven't told them, although one of them is from Carlton so she knows, but she won't tell them because she said it's my choice and doesn't agree with how everything went down. But she says even if these people did know, it wouldn't be the same as before, they'd accept me regardless and after hanging out with them tonight, I think she might be right." My eyes fill with tears and she grabs me, hugging me tightly to her chest.

"If you're sure, Baby. I'm so happy for you."

"I really am Mum, she said to stop feeling guilty because it won't change what happened, so that's what I'm going to try to do. I won't let them make me feel bad about what happened anymore." I laugh throatily, tears falling gently down my cheeks. "Not that I want to repeat any of it, ever, but you know I'm not like that and I want to move on without feeling like I'm an awful person and I think, here, I can."

"Oh Sweetheart, I'm so happy, I love you so much." She continues to hug me, both of us feeling hopeful for the future.