1. MOTIF

1.

MOTIF: a dominant color.

In choosing a color motif for a wedding, keep in mind the colors that mean something in your relationship, and what you want to attract in your future.

“We’d like the colors moss green and brown,” Estelle, the happy bride-to-be was saying to me and my best friend Nicole. I watched her dreamy eyes and her happy smile and I couldn’t help wondering if I looked as ridiculous as that when I was planning my own wedding.                    

       Nicole smiled back at her enthusiastically. “That’s a good combination. So…”

“Jungle-like,” I suggested, cutting Nicole off mid-sentence.

Estelle stared at me for a moment and her dreamy smile threatened to fade from her beautiful face. “Excuse me?”

Nicole glared at me with a hidden message that said: Please, just shut the hell up if you can’t say something nice!

“What she meant was… earthy,” Nicole said smiling back at Estelle and from the somewhat constipated look on her face, I could tell that she was trying her best to pass on some of her enthusiasm back into the bride-to-be.

“No. I meant jungle-like. If I meant earthy, that’s what I would have said,” I said bluntly, which gained me another glare from Nicole. This time her hidden message was: You’re so dead! I raised a brow at her and flashed her a crooked smile that was meant to say: I already know that!

“Excuse me? Do you… have a problem with me?” Estelle asked reluctantly.

I sighed. “No. I’m sorry, sweetie. I don’t have a problem with you. I have a problem with green. Moss green to be exact. And since you’re in Malibu and are planning for a beach wedding, maybe you should take a look at gold, yellow or orange and red, with maybe a bit of indigo?”

I thought Estelle would tell me to get lost right then and there. It didn’t really matter. I didn’t care anymore. Weddings used to be my thing. However, because of the recent events in my crappy life, it now gave me pain to see a happy, blushing bride-to-be. It’s easier for me to imagine that maybe on the night of their fiancé’s bachelor party, he might actually be humping the stripper inside the big cake!

“I’m… sorry, Estelle. I know you like green…” Nicole started apologizing on my behalf. She didn’t even bother to glare at me anymore. She knew that I couldn’t care less and we’d only look unprofessional if we spent half the time glaring at each other.

“My fiancé likes green. I… in fact, like… orange.”

“Unfortunately, I don’t see green and orange going together with your theme. I hope you are paying for the wedding,” I said under my breath.

“Actually, I am,” Estelle said raising her chin proudly.

I smiled at her. “Good for you! Then you should plan it the way you want it. That way you get to keep your wedding ideas in case your fiancé decides to marry someone else at the last minute!”

“Might I have a word in private, Astrid?” Nicole asked me with a grave look on her face that she was not even disguising in front of Estelle anymore.

“Sure,” I said, smiling sarcastically. Then I turned to Estelle. “Please do consider choosing between orange and green. If I were you, I’d make it worth my money. Think of things that are green…” I said trailing thoughtfully. “Hmmm… like vomit.”

“Now, Astrid!” Nicole stood up, pulling me by the arm.

When we were outside the office, Nicole gave me a good slap on the face. It actually stung.

“Are you awake now?” she asked me angrily.

“What’s your problem, Nic?” I asked, rubbing my cheek with my palm.

“Pull yourself together, Astrid! Or you’re not only going to lose your dream wedding, you just might lose your job as well!” she said to me. “Now, stay here and I will talk to Estelle… alone!”

Nicole started to go back to the conference room.

“Nic!” I called and she turned back to me with a raised brow. “If she picks orange, will I at least get a credit for talking her into it?”

She glared at me one last time, then she turned on her heel towards the conference room, hoping to repair whatever damage I might have caused.

I went to the pantry to get myself a cup of coffee. Nicole’s slap wasn’t powerful enough to wake me up. But I knew she had a point. If I continued talking to Estelle the way I did, I would have another complaint lodged against my name.

Last week, a client withdrew their account with us because the tulip-loving bride couldn’t forget the story I told her about a psycho killer, murdering brides on their wedding nights and laying them on a bed of tulips afterwards. I made up the story of course, but I didn’t know she had such a wild imagination! So the groom refused to have us do their wedding, claiming we had traumatized his blushing bride-to-be. And now I’m pretty sure that if Estelle still chooses green, everything about her wedding will remind her of vomit.

And speaking of vomit, it makes me want to do so when I look around the office and see reels of lace and bows of different colors. A single bow, a single lace, makes me want to puke!

I picked up a bow that strayed on my table. There was a phrase inscribed on it: Yours Forever.

I snorted and threw the string in my garbage bin. Forever is such a big promise. I don’t believe that any man can keep a promise as big as that. That’s why divorce happens left and right. Any girl would be a fool to believe in Forever. I, for one, will be damned if I ever believe in that word again!

I was so lost in my own thoughts that I didn’t notice that Nicole was already standing in front of me with a giant scowl on her face. I stared up at her for a while and then I sighed.

“Okay, okay. I’m sorry, I messed up,” I said, throwing my hands in the air.

“No, you did not mess up, Ash! You deliberately sabotaged that meeting!”

“I did not!”

“You did too!” she said angrily. Then she sighed and sat in the chair in front of me. “What is happening to you, Ash?”

“Nothing,” I replied. That was a lie. I know exactly what was wrong with me.

“You used to believe in this. This company is twice as big as it was when it started because of you. You’ve worked on this for five solid years and you were the best employee this company has ever seen. And now… you’re throwing it all away. And in the process, you’re also jeopardizing my future along with yours.”

“No, I’m not!” I said defensively.

“Yes, you are! And not only are you jeopardizing our futures, you’re also jeopardizing the futures of the engaged couples who will step into this office!” Nicole let out a frustrated sigh. She stared at me, shaking her head.

I could go on and on in this imminent circle of denial forever. I could argue with her all I want, but I knew that she was right. I was being a bitch. And I was being difficult. And I couldn’t stand to see another wedding in my life again. At least not yet.

“What do you want me to do?” I asked her. “Do you want me to file my resignation?”

Nicole rolled her eyes. “No, silly! But I think you should take some time off! I think that you should refrain from talking to engaged couples… until you get back on your feet.” She tried to smile encouragingly.

I sighed. “I guess you’re right. The sight of this very place I used to love makes me want to puke already! And I don’t think I can stand to see another wedding again. Please! The thought of it not ending in happily ever after is enough to make me want to hang myself!”

“Good! Because that is exactly what our clients want to do after they meet up with you!” a familiar voice said behind me.

I didn’t have to look to know who it was. Fiona Lewinsky stood in front of me with a glare on her heart-shaped face. She claimed she was meant to do weddings because the shape of her face alone spells love. I had to roll my eyes the first time I heard her say that. And it still makes me want to roll my eyes now.

“Fiona...” I sighed. “I think I need a little holiday,” I said to her.

“Take one permanently. You’re fired!” she said to me without blinking.

Nicole stood up in shock. “Fiona! You can’t do that! You owe half of your success to her! She made you rich, for crying out loud! She’s going through a rough patch. Anyone in her situation would be upset! I think you’re being too harsh.”

Fiona raised a brow at her. “She deserves it! I lost two clients in one week because of her.”

“She gave you almost a thousand of them since she came to work for you!” Nicole argued. “We wouldn’t be where we are had it not been for her.”

“The reason why she was that good is because I taught her well. I’ve given her one week to mope and cry over her broken engagement. It’s been three weeks already! She’s getting worse. I can’t jeopardize my business because her fiancé left her at the altar!”

“That’s not true!” I spoke for the first time since she fired me.

“Yes! That’s not true!” Nicole agreed. “You didn’t teach her anything. She was fresh, dynamic and creative. And she was the one who came up with the most ambitious concepts we ever used on the weddings we did for years. Right, Ash?” She looked at me as if she was begging me to defend myself.

I took a deep breath. “What I meant was… it’s not true that my fiancé left me at the altar,” I said in a serious voice and Nicole stared back at me, unable to wipe the shocked expression off her face.

“That’s great dear. At least it didn’t get too embarrassing,” Fiona said without even a hint of emotion. “Now, before every other bride-to-be ends up having your unfortunate fate, I suggest you go. You’re jeopardizing my business. I thank you for your services, but I already lost two clients because of you, I cannot afford to lose any more.”

I didn’t know if I felt heartbroken because of what she said. Sure, it was sad to see your boss not seem to care about you, especially since she owes half of her company’s growth to you, but at the same time it was also a relief to know that I need not make another bride’s dream come true. It’s been difficult for me since I, myself, was a bride-to-be, but the engagement did not last long enough for me to make it to the altar.

“Fine,” I murmured. Then I took my cell phone and my bag. “I do expect to receive my full benefits, Fiona.”

She raised a brow. “Compared to the amount of business I would lose because of you? I’ll be happy to give you your severance pay on a silver platter!”

I rolled my eyes at her one last time and then I marched out of the room. Nicole was on my tracks the minute I got to the elevator.

“Get back in there Nic, if you don’t want to share my fate,” I warned her.

“You are out of your mind, Astrid! You should fight this! She owes you that much!” she insisted.

I shook my head. “Did you really think I didn’t want this?” I asked her. She opened her mouth to say something but no sound came out. “Goodbye, Nic. I’ll see you later.”

“I’ll talk to you later,” she said as the elevator door closed behind me.

I exited the building and hailed a cab. There, in the backseat, with only the cab driver as company, I lost it. I cried my heart out.

***

The new Mr. and Mrs. Bryan Bryans! I heard the host announce excitedly. I held on to my new husband’s arm happily.

Bryan smiled at me gently, his eyes were teary. He leaned forward to give me a kiss on the lips.

The place was magical. The garden just outside the church was covered in moss green and brown fabrics. I was warm in my pristine white gown. I wanted a long train, but Bryan had been afraid that he would somehow trip on it. I figured that was just his one request so I settled for a waist-length one.  The long lacy sleeves of my bolero jacket covered my arms. It barely showed flesh. My gown reflected the prudent, virginal bride that I was.

The cake was a perfect two-tier with little green flowers on its base. The cake topper was the traditional bride and groom locked in a sweet embrace.

My bridesmaids, who were dressed in elegant moss green and brown swirled gowns, danced around us. With the two-inch heels that I wore, my violet eyes were at almost the same level as Bryan’s brown ones. He wasn’t tall, but it really didn’t matter to me. He was my groom, my husband. He made this dream wedding come true. He agreed to make it my way, exactly the way I dreamed it would be.

I danced happily in Bryan’s arms. Then the host announced a change of partners and I was whirled out of Bryan’s arms. I looked around to find where he had gone. And then I saw him… in the middle of the dance floor, dancing happily with a bridesmaid wearing a revealing moss green gown, a flower tucked on her right ear. She looked at me and a mischievous grin flashed across her beautiful Barbie-like features and then she laughed the most malicious laugh I have heard in my entire life.

“This is my wedding!” I shouted at her. And then I fell to my knees, crying.

I felt someone reach out for me and force me to stand up. It was my least favorite person in the world, Adam. He shook me and said, “Pull yourself together!”

“I can’t…” I said.

“Will you wake up, Astrid?” he shouted at me.

I felt him shake me more intensely.

“Wake up!” he shouted.

The world whirled around me. I forced myself to open my eyes. I found myself staring into a pair of intense blue eyes, outlined by a handsome tanned face. I stood up from my bed and stared back at Adam.

He raised a brow at me.

“Are you okay?” he asked me.

I took a deep breath and tried to steady myself. Then I slowly nodded.

“Your phone has been ringing non-stop,” he told me. “I can’t concentrate and I’ve got a pleading to submit tomorrow.”

Adam is sort of my cousin, but we’re not really related by blood, although we grew up together. He was my cousin’s half-brother. Ever since we were kids, we never got along too well. He’s too frank, too tactless. He says what’s on his mind, regardless of who will get hurt or who will look like a fool.

I don’t really know why I ended up in his apartment after my whole world fell apart. I shared an apartment with Geena, the beautiful Barbie doll in my dreams. She is my first cousin, and has been my closest friend ever since I was a kid. I’ve slept over at her house more than I’ve slept in my own bed. That was why it was just natural that we live together after college. Only, it wasn’t really my apartment, but hers. Uncle Jack, Adam and Geena’s rich father, made sure they were well provided for.

Between the two of us, Geena was the wild one. She wasn’t always smart, but with her charm and looks, she survived all the challenges that came her way. Well, if she got away with humping my fiancé behind my back, she can get away with almost anything. Or maybe I was just too trusting… too naïve!

My ex-fiancé is an orthodontist. He is goal-oriented and ambitious, much like me. When Geena needed a job that didn’t really have a lot of pressure, Bryan took her in. I was not worried. They both loved me. They would never betray me… or so I thought.

Back when I was still clueless, Adam had been dropping hints to me; sometimes in the form of a very sarcastic remark, but since I was so used to him being rude, I just tuned him out.

So one evening, I planned to surprise Bryan at work. I was about to open the door when I heard him and Geena arguing.

“You have to get rid of it!” Bryan said angrily.

“I’m not going to get rid of it! I may have done shameful things in my life, but I will not kill my own baby!”

“Astrid will find out!” Bryan argued.

“And you still plan to marry her after getting me pregnant!?” Geena asked angrily.

“I already spent a fortune on that wedding she planned! It was too extravagant! What do you want me to do? Call it all off?”

“Oh, really? So you want me to call off my pregnancy instead?” Geena asked. “I can’t believe you’re even considering that! Perhaps you should have considered checking your ten-year old condom before you jumped on the sofa with me!”

“Are you sure it is even mine?”

“How dare you, Bryan?” Geena fired at him. “We’ve been sleeping together for six months! I’ve never let any other man touch me except for you!”

“So what do you want me to do? Choose between my wedding and your pregnancy? It’s a difficult choice to make, you know!”

At that point, I couldn’t take any more. I barged into the room, which shocked them both. I stared at both of them, pasting a bored expression on my face.

“Oh, sweetheart… we were just having a discussion about… a patient.” Bryan struggled to lie.

I narrowed my eyes at him. “Really? Which patient? Your unborn child?”

They were both shocked to hear me say that.

“I’ve been standing here long enough and I assure you, I need no explanations from either of you.” I struggled to keep my voice calm. “Bryan, I know it is a very difficult choice to make. A man like you will not have balls big enough to make a decision like that. So, why don’t I make it for you?” I took a deep breath. “You both stay away from me for the rest of my life! In case, you were too dumb to understand, Bryan… the wedding is off!” Then I turned on my heel.

“But… I already spent a fortune on that damn wedding!” Bryan said angrily.

I turned around so I could face him. “Well, then I’ll send you all your receipts and you can see if you can get any refunds!” I stormed out of the room.

I went home immediately and gathered my clothes and as much stuff as I could fit in one suitcase. I didn’t have anywhere to go at that time. I couldn’t face my friends yet. I was too embarrassed. They already didn’t like Bryan that much because they thought he was self-centered and egotistic. I had defended Bryan, saying that at least he was faithful to me. And now, this!

Before I could even have second thoughts about leaving Geena’s apartment, I went to the person who knew what was happening even before I knew it myself. And I sincerely hoped that person considered me as family all throughout these years.

Adam never liked Bryan. He always told me that my boyfriend was up to no good, or that he only thought of himself and he would only make me cry.

When he was suspecting that things were happening between Bryan and Geena, he would say things to me like:

“You’re so naïve, Ash!”

“Open your eyes sometimes and stop trusting too much!”

“Sometimes, the people you trust the most, Ash, are the ones who betray you the deepest. Look around. You just might understand what I am saying.”

So when I came to him that night, I didn’t have to explain anything. He saw that my eyes were swollen and that I was carrying a suitcase with me. Without a word, he opened the door wider to let me in.

“How long have you known?” I asked him.

“Does it matter how long I have known?” he asked back. Although he sat beside me on the couch, he offered no arm or shoulder for me to cry on. Adam isn’t a very touchy feely person. But it meant a lot to me that he made me feel that he was there for me.

“How could they do this to me?”

He sighed. “The more important question is, what are you going to do about it?”

“She’s pregnant!” I said.

For a while, Adam was silent. I could tell he was brewing his anger all inside him. Then finally he said, “I suppose I should beat the hell out of Bryan for getting Geena pregnant. But right now, I want to give him a shiner more for what he did to you.”

I stared up at him. He smiled, which is something he rarely does. “You grew up with me, Ash. You, too, are like a sister to me, believe it or not.” He chuckled humorlessly. “Now, what happened to Geena, she’s an adult now. She should know that her actions have consequences. I can’t beat up Bryan if Geena participated in the act so willingly. But you, on the other hand… it was not fair what they did to you.”

Adam took me in, but it had always been on a temporary basis. He’s a little bit of a woman-hater… I think. A woman’s presence in his luxurious bachelor flat would probably kill him little by little.

But I was glad that he allowed me to live with him… until I get my act together. I intended to find my own apartment. If only the rest of my friends were rich enough to rent a two-bedroom flat, I could crash in with one of them. But until then, I’d be the parasite living in Adam’s guest bedroom.

“Are you okay?” Adam asked, giving me another gentle shake.

I nodded.

“You were in all afternoon. Aren’t you supposed to be working?” he asked.

I shook my head. “Not anymore.”

He raised a brow. “Your boss sacked you?”

I sighed and then I nodded. “Apparently, I am no longer recommended to stand within ten feet of people who are getting married.”

“I can’t say I blame your boss,” he said. “You made this breakup the center of your universe, Ash. You have to stop this. You have to pull yourself together. Dwelling on what would have been will only make you twice the loser.”

“I’m not a loser!”

“Whatever.” He rolled his eyes. “But it looks like that from where I’m standing. No house, no boyfriend, no job.”

“Right. Remind me to look for an apartment as soon as I can stand up.”

“As soon as you get a job, you mean,” he said.

“Yes, that too.”

He sighed. “It’s no secret that I want to keep this apartment all to myself. But right now, Ash, I’m the only one you have. I don’t have a choice. I can’t disown you. But I hate to see you deteriorating every day. A week of moping is fine. It’s been almost a month now. You’re in worse condition than you were the first time you showed up on my doorstep.”

“I… I don’t know what to do, Adam,” I admitted.

“Yes, you do. Go out with your friends. Party all night. You can sleep around if you want. Even I won’t judge you,” he said. “Just get out of bed and stop moping.”

“I’m not moping!”

He snorted. “You don’t convince me.”

I rolled my eyes and lay back on the bed.

“By the way, your mother called me. She asked if I’ve seen you. When was the last time you talked to her? She was very concerned.”

“Last week. Took her a long time to call you.”

“Honestly, I am the last person in our family that they would expect you to run to,” he said, standing up from the bed, and then he headed towards the door.

“Adam…” I called.

He turned back to me.

“How’s… Geena? Bryan was asking her to get rid of the baby. Did… did they go for it?”

He raised a brow at me. “Why do you want to know? They can go to hell for all you care. Don’t ask again! Because even if Bryan’s on his knees begging for forgiveness, I will be the last person to tell him where you are!”

“Is he asking for my forgiveness?”

He sighed in frustration. “The only reason he’ll do that is because he wants back the sixty grand he already spent on your wedding preparations!” With his last barb cutting through me, he strode out of the room.

Adam can be ruthless and careless with my feelings, but somehow, I appreciate it that he doesn’t lead me on or tell me lies just to make me feel better. I can always count on him for the brutal truth. Maybe that’s why I ran to him when I found out about Bryan’s affair. Because I felt that I had been surrounded by lies for too long. And for once, I wanted the truth. No matter how painful it was.