2. ENTOURAGE

ENTOURAGE:

A group of people surrounding an important person or persons… like the bride and groom in a wedding.

I met up with my friends. I could tell that they were all getting bored with me. I whined about the usual things. Like how I had known Bryan since I was in college and we had been friends first before we dated and how I’ve known Geena since we were little and never in my wildest dreams had I imagined that she would betray me like she did.

Dannie Jones, my gay best friend, became the most impatient of my group. He had listened to me enough, I guess.

John Green, my guy best friend, was the angriest at Bryan for what he did to me.

Nicole was the most sympathetic for my feelings.

“I wonder how he is now,” I asked.

“Oh, for crying out loud!” Dannie muttered. “Ash, please! Don’t do this! You’re beautiful, you’re smart! You have your whole life ahead of you!”

“No, I don’t! I’ll be thirty in a few months!”

“You’ll be thirty in twenty-three months.” John muttered. “That’s plenty of time to score a guy who is a lot better than Bryan!”

“But we’ve been together for two years! Do you know how much work that took?”

“A lot! Particularly since you have been withholding sex!” Dannie said brutally.

“But what is wrong with… no sex before marriage?”

“Nothing! Only that you open him up to readily available sluts within a mile proximity,” John said.

“Look, Ash, if he couldn’t wait, then he isn’t the guy.” Nicole said. “And if he really did love you, he wouldn’t have the nerve to sleep with Geena. If he had an inch of decency in his body, he would have remembered that Geena is your cousin!”

“Relationships are not important to a horny guy,” John butted in.

“Apparently!” I rolled my eyes.

“So, now what are you going to do with your life?”

I shrugged. “Drink it away?” I asked sarcastically and took another gulp of my beer.

“Look at you, Ash! How can a gorgeous girl who’s sweet and smart waste her life over a loser like Bryan? I mean, no offense, but he’s not nearly that hot!” Dannie said in a frustrated voice.

“And he’s short. What is he? Like five feet tall?” John chuckled.

“Hey! He’s five feet six!” I said defensively. “And his chocolate eyes are dreamy.”

“His eyes are brown! As plain as brown could be!” Dannie argued.

“I just… couldn’t think of a reason for him to do that to me,” I heaved another frustrated sigh.

John rolled his eyes. “I can. But you’re not going to like it…”

“Sex?” I asked him. “He only needed to wait three more months… after we’re married.”

“Well, apparently, he can’t wait nine months. Haven’t they been sleeping with each other for a good six months already before you even found out about them?” Dannie asked.

“For all you know, Ash, he could have proposed to you because he wanted to get you to bed,” John suggested.

“Not with the size of the ring that he gave me!” I said. Bryan gave me a two-carat diamond ring. It cost a fortune. He wouldn’t splurge on that if he was only after the sex, would he?

“Speaking of the ring, where is it?” Dannie asked.

“In my jewelry box,” I replied.

“Hmmm… you should have returned that weeks ago,” John said.

“Hell no!” Dannie argued. “Don’t return it! Pawn it!”

“No! I’m not going to pawn that ring!”

“And why not? You want to hold on to it and reminisce about the good times you spent together whenever you look at it?” Nicole asked in an irritated tone.

“We did have some good times.”

“This is not the time to be thinking about the good times. That’s a no brainer. Right now, for you to get over him, you have to think about every single annoying thing about him and every single irritating thing that he has ever done to you,” Nicole said.

“True. Right now, you have to think of him as a monster. He has no heart. He has no conscience,” Nicole said. “This thing that you are in, he brought this upon you. Everything that he was before you broke up with him, was nothing. That’s not the person that he is now!”

“You need a makeover. Find a hobby. Get a gym membership. Learn to play the guitar.”

“Or you can always find a job,” John suggested.

“I hope you have been saving money.”

I sighed. “Of course. But... unfortunately, I used some of it to pay the florist.”

“I hope you had the guts to ask for a refund from them,” Nicole said.

I shook my head. “I gave all the receipts to Bryan when we broke up. I wanted him to refund all those payments so that he’ll know how difficult it was for me to make those arrangements while he was humping my maid of honor!”

“So, let me get this thing straight,” John said. “If he was able to refund the money you paid the florist, it means… he cheated on you… and you paid him to do it?”

“Shut up, John,” I told him, although I understood the irony he was aiming at.

“That settles it then! You have to pawn the ring,” Dannie said. “With the size of that thing, you can pay for your own wedding.”

I snorted. “That is, if I still want to get married. I think I completely lost faith in love. If I see or come to another wedding in my life, I think I’ll hang myself! I don’t believe in weddings anymore.”

“Really? Then why do you still believe in engagement rings?” John asked.

“Why don’t you want to pawn it for its worth? If you don’t want to use the money for your future wedding, then use it as a down payment for your own apartment,” Dannie suggested. “That could be at least ten grand. You’ll have a long way to go with that! And trust me, hon, you deserve it.”

“I wish you would display the same angst about Bryan as you do about weddings and happily-ever-afters,” Nicole said. “If only you would be as optimistic about getting over Bryan as you were about the doom of the weddings of the couples we were handling.”

I knew it was downright pathetic. During the first week, I was so mad at Bryan. He was a liar. He was my best friend before he became my boyfriend. How could he treat me like that?

Then I was so mad at Geena because in my opinion, she should have stopped things from happening. Bryan is merely a man. A man who had been harboring his sex drive since we started dating. His testosterone levels were probably shooting sky high like a rocket when Geena showed a little bit of flesh.

On the second week, I was mad at myself. I thought it was my fault that I was a self-righteous virgin who believed that a relationship these days can go a long way without intimacy.

On the third week, I was just mad at love itself… for leading me on, for making me think that there is a happily ever after in store for me.For making me believe that the dream wedding I had in my head since I was ten-years old could turn into a reality.

And now… I just didn’t know what or whom I was mad at anymore. A part of me hurts so much that sometimes, I think it would have been so damn easier if I just ran back to Bryan’s arms and forgave him. But a bigger part of me cannot trust him again. Not anymore. A part of me says that I have made it three weeks without him, with this pain. I can make it a few more. And then healing will come for sure.

When I got home that night, Adam was on his way to his deck with a beer on his hand.

“Half-pint,” he greeted me.

“I’m not a kid anymore, Adam.”

“Ha! See? I learn something new every day,” he said sarcastically.

I rolled my eyes and started to head to my room.

“Hey, wait up,” he called.

I turned back to him.

“Join me.” He motioned towards his deck.

I raised a brow. “No. Thanks. I better go to bed.”

“And do what?” he asked with a raised brow. “Sleep? Mope? Dream that the bastard is going to magically develop a conscience for you?” He shook his head. “Come on, Ash. I’ve known you all your life. You’re smarter than that. Maybe you just need a little push. Come, drink with me at the deck. It’s time you and I have our heart to heart talk.”

I sighed and followed him towards his deck. The moonlight was beautiful. The sea breeze instantly blew on my face. I sat on the chair beside Adam’s. He handed me a beer.

I took a gulp and waited for him to say something.

“It’s been three weeks, Ash,” he started. “And you’re looking worse.” He sighed. I didn’t reply. “Don’t tell me that I don’t know anything about pain, about love and heartache. Trust me, I’ve had my fair share. Maybe that’s why I am what I am now. I’ve been hurt too much before.”

For the first time, I saw Adam in a different light. The cold, ruthless façade… the brutal truth he always speaks regardless of who will get hurt… Now, I understood. He experienced pain. He had been lied to in the past. He had been betrayed before… that created the man that he is now. A man who believed that brutal truth, no matter how much it hurts is still a lot better than the sweetest of all lies. And thus, he always says what is on his mind. He speaks the truth, as he sees it. He doesn’t lead people on.

“What?” he asked, when he realized I was staring at him intensely.

I snorted and took a gulp of my beer. “Well, I guess this is probably the first time I’ve seen evidence that you have a heart.”

He chuckled. “Hard as it may be to believe… yes. I do have a heart. Oh! I meant… I did have a heart.”

“So what happened to you?” I asked him.

He snorted. “I’ve blocked out some memories. So I can’t really tell you.”

“But you just said you’ve had your fair share of love and heartache. Surely you must remember some things.”

“If you lose, don’t lose the lesson,” he murmured. “I may have chosen to forget the incidences in my life that tore me apart, but I didn’t forget the lessons they taught me. So, though I may not tell you what happened to me exactly, I can still give you advice.”

“Okay, knock yourself out, big brother,” I said sarcastically.

“Hey, I have known you since you were kid. We grew up together. We may not be related by blood, but guess what? I was probably the only brother you’ve known.”

“Yeah. And Geena was the only sister I’ve known. And look what she did to me,” I said glumly.

“At least we’ve never been best friends when we were growing up. You used to hate me.”

“What makes you think I don’t still hate you?” I raised a brow at him.

“Fair enough,” he said coolly. “But at least you don’t expect me to be nice. If I say something that hurts your feelings, remember that I’ve always been like that.”

“You’re the first one to teach me how to be immune. To tune it all out.”

“Yes. But you’re not a very good student, are you?” he asked.

“Why do you say that?”

“Because that’s what you should be doing now. Tuning out. I don’t think you know how to.”

I sighed. “There are times that I thought I could. But then again… sometimes it gets so hard. It was painful.” Tears rolled down my cheeks. “It still is painful.”

“I know,” he said. “Don’t think that it will go away soon. It’s physically hurtful. Like your chest aches. You know, that’s why they call it heartbreak. Because you really feel like your heart is breaking. It’s not just an emotional pain; it’s a physical pain too. And you have to face it, Ash. There’s no running away from it.”

“I know. But it’s difficult not to remember how things were. You know I didn’t only lose a boyfriend… or a fiancé for that matter. I also lost a best friend. Geena’s been there through most of my childhood. She was a sister. And I can’t stop hurting over the fact that the two people I loved and trusted the most did this to me.”

“Geena has always been liberated. You know that. You were the only person in the world who trusted her too much. She was spoiled. But you worshipped the ground that she walked on. She made out with one of the guys you dated in high school one hour after you broke up with him. But still… you never expected anything less of her.”

“That’s why I still couldn’t believe she’d do worse than make out with my ex-boyfriend! God! Now, I hate her!”

Adam snorted. “Really? And what about Bryan? Don’t you hate him?”

“I should. But…” I sighed. “We’ve been through a lot. And… well, maybe I also drove him to do what he did…”

Adam was silent for a while. Then he asked, “What… what could you have done that would drive him to cheat on you over and over again… for six months… maybe more? And with your cousin?”

I sighed. I stared at Adam for a long while. And then I replied, “What he got from Geena… he never got from me, you know.”

Silence.

A long, deafening silence.

I stared at Adam. He was looking at the sea view. His thoughts were not visible on his face.

“Adam…” I called. He finally looked at me. “I can’t believe I am going to ask you this… but please… say something! For once, I’ll be glad to get a reaction from you.”

He recovered from the shock and then he chuckled. “Alright. Even if you’re not going to like what I am about to say or how I’m about to react?”

“Yes,” I replied quietly.

“So you are saying that you guys never… had sex or attempted to have sex?”

I nodded. “I have a no-sex-before-marriage thing. Bryan knew that. We’ve been best friends even before we got together, you know.”

“And he never even attempted to ask?”

I shrugged. “He did. Just once. But I was firm then. Now, I’m not sure anymore.”

“How long since he last asked before he proposed to you?”

I sighed. “Maybe… maybe about a month after.”

Adam took a gulp of his beer and then he sighed.

“What, Adam?” I asked. “Please…” I pleaded. “You said you’d say what you think no matter what. And I promise I won’t get mad.”

Adam took a deep breath and then finally, he said, “Alright. I just think that even if you and Bryan had gotten married… it wouldn’t have lasted forever. You wouldn’t grow old with this guy.”

“Yeah. I don’t think Geena could keep her mouth shut for too long.”

“No, no.” Adam shook his head. “That’s not what I meant. I think Bryan proposed to you because he wanted to have sex with you. He thought marrying you was the only way he could have you. He probably even thought you two would last for a long time. But that could be just lust talking in his head. Who knows how he would feel about you afterwards?”

I stared at Adam for a long moment. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

“It’s not easy to hear, Ash. I know you loved him. Maybe he loved you too. But then again, he’s probably more eager to sleep with you than to think past the commitments of marriage. If that was the case, then it wasn’t going to last anyway.”

I didn’t say anything. I took a gulp of my beer and stared ahead into the dark horizon. I heard the calming sound of the ocean. Inside, I was a mess because I realized, no matter how hard it was for me to accept it, Adam might be right. Maybe Bryan thought marrying me was the answer to everything. We’d been best friends for years. And we did love each other. If marrying me was the only way he could get to me, then why not? It’s not like it was hopeless to work out, right? There was a chance that it could have.

“Now… since I seem to always be the bearer of bad news, I won’t make this any easier for you. You have to know, Ash. The sooner the better.”

I looked at him like he just grew an extra head. I didn’t get what he was trying to say.

He was staring at me wearily. I could tell that he was measuring me, weighing what my reaction was going to be to something that he said… or worse… something that he was just about to say.

I raised a brow at him in challenge. This gave him encouragement to continue. He sighed and took an envelope from the table beside him. He handed it to me.

“Breathe, Astrid,” he whispered.

I stared at the elegant magenta envelope in my hand. The edges were trimmed neatly and at the center were engraved characters B & G.

I recognized the envelope pretty well. I had seen it before when I approved the sample of what would have been the invitation for my   wedding to Bryan. Exact same color. Exact same style.

My hands were shaking when I opened the envelope and pulled out the card inside. My breath caught in my throat as I recognized the paper material used, the fonts on the front and the elegant style of the card. I admired the card company for getting the last minute modifications I asked them. There were flowers and hearts embossed around the card. At the center, the letters B and G were engraved in the font of my choice, Vivaldi.

Bryan and Geena

Bound by love forever…

Even the words were chosen by me… but my name had been replaced.

The date was… the same date as my own wedding would have been had I not caught Bryan cheating on me. The ceremony would be in the same church where my parents got married. The reception will be at King’s Lagoon Resort, where my reception would have been.

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I crumpled the invitation in my hand.

“Easy, Ash,” Adam said, reaching out for my hand and taking the invitation away from me.

I stared at him helplessly.

“Everything’s the same…” I croaked.

Adam shook his head, trying to smile at me ruefully. “Not really. As you can see, I am no longer part of the entourage. And… well, you are no longer… the bride.”

“They stole my wedding, Adam! Bryan was supposed to cancel the arrangements!”

“Well, apparently marriage is Bryan’s solution to everything,” Adam said, rolling his eyes.

“How could he?” I sobbed. “How could they do this to me? Don’t they have… decency? Or conscience? How could they?”

I was getting out of control. I was shaking and raging with anger. I knew I might begin hyperventilating any minute if I didn’t calm down. I was losing it.

I grabbed Adam on both his forearms and tried to shake him.

“They cannot do this to me!” I cried. “You have to stop them, Adam! They cannot do this!”

Adam took both my arms and tried to pull me to him into a tight hug.

“Sshhh…” he said. “Breathe, Ash. You need to take deep breaths!”

I shook my head and struggled to be free of him.

“I need to talk to him. I need to talk to her! To both of them! They should still feel some sort of affection for me!”

Adam shook me gently. “Astrid!” He raised his voice. “Get a grip on yourself! They’re not going to change their minds about it! Do you think they didn’t know all these things would hurt you? More than you’ve already been?” He shook his head. “They do! And still they chose to do it! They still chose to hurt you! They’re not going to suddenly grow a conscience for you just because you found out about it! You were meant to find out about it, Ash! That invitation was yours! Not mine!”

I stared back at him for a while, unable to believe what he was trying to tell me.

“Pull yourself together, Astrid! You’re a strong, independent woman! It’s killing me to see you torn up like this,” Adam pleaded.

“How…” My lips were shaking. Tears continued to stream down my face. “How… how…” I kept on sobbing, unable to let a comprehensible sentence out.

Adam shook his head. “How could Bryan do this to you?” He shrugged. “Only goes to show the type of man you were about to marry. How can Geena do this to you?” He raised a brow. “Oh, you might be surprised just how much Geena envied you since we were kids, Ash.”

I stared back at him. “What?”

“Geena is a spoiled brat. She was not content with what she had. Always wanted what the girl at the next table ordered. And that girl is you. She didn’t like it that you were happy with your career while she didn’t have a job. You were great at what you did and you were doing something you loved. Dad would always tell her to be more like you. Focused. Goal-oriented. When she was jumping from one boyfriend to another, Dad would always say how much he admired you for sticking it out with one guy. She was dating dropouts and spoiled rich kids… you were having a relationship with an orthodontist. She hated that. She never showed you… or you were just too naïve to notice.”

I closed my eyes. I didn’t know. I thought Geena was my best friend. I always went to her whenever I had problems. She’s seen me at my weakest. I didn’t know that she had harbored so much hatred for me. I always thought she was the lucky one.

I, on the other hand, was just a typical girl next door. My eye color is weird and I wear dark blue contacts all the time to make it appear blue rather than violet.

I was unpopular in high school. I was smart, but I wasn’t cute or glamorous. I had a major crush on the most popular guy in school, Kevin Moore. He was the captain of the football team, and he drove a shiny convertible. He was my lab partner. Then he was my first date, my first kiss, my first boyfriend. Since he was popular, and I wasn’t, we kept our relationship low-key. He was rich and I was middle class. I get why he wasn’t proud to be seen with me. My meeting with his rich parents was a disaster. At dinner, they were trying to be polite, but my lack of experience in using the crab cracker made his mother show her real spots. And according to her, I wasn’t posh and well bred enough to be with her son. Kevin dumped me the next day.

“Babe, you didn’t think a guy like me would fall for you for real, did you?” he asked. “Besides, I’ve got the whole world in my hands. I need to explore!” And then he made his moves from one rich girl to another.

That was the most devastating day of my life. Well, until Bryan decided to knock up Geena, of course.

Geena knew what I went through. She knew all my insecurities, all that I didn’t like about myself. She knew why I stayed away from rich, popular guys. Kevin Moore and his mother damaged my self-esteem big time.

How could she envy me? She was little Ms. Perfect! Malibu Barbie in the flesh! Every guy in this town wanted a piece of her. She never had to work for money. Her father kept her well provided for. Me? I had to live with her because I couldn’t really afford my own place. Sometimes, I jogged to work. She drove a pink convertible.

Bryan was all that made me happy. But Geena had to steal him from me. And this wedding… she knew I’ve been dreaming about this ever since I was a little girl. I had this planned out in my diary since I was ten. And she…she took it all away from me.

I sat back on the chair. Adam knelt down in front of me so he could look into my eyes.

“What am I going to do, Adam?” I asked.

He sighed. “Get up,” he said. “That’s the first thing that you should do. Get. Up. Get your act together. Then keep moving forward. Never look back.”

I wiped the tears from my eyes. “I don’t think I can.”

“Yes, you can. It’s difficult, I know. But you can. You can rise above this. Don’t let them defeat you, Astrid! I’ve known you all your life. You’re better than this. You are stronger than this,” he said encouragingly. “The first thing you need to do is… accept that Bryan is never coming back. Accept the fact that you have lost Geena too. Accept the fact that in this round… you’ve lost. You’re heartbroken. Acknowledge the fact that you are in pain and suffering. And then what? What are you going to do about that?”

I stared up at Adam, and though my stunned brain was slow to react, I knew he was right. Nobody said this was going to be easy. But what am I doing? What have I been doing?

I’ve been moping! I’ve been letting this whole breakup be the center of my life, with no plan or intention of moving forward.

Bryan and Geena cheated on me. They are going to have a baby. They are going to get married. They will have the wedding that I planned for Bryan and me.

And now what? What does the future have in store for me? I was heartbroken, I was homeless and I was jobless. What was I going to do about it now?

“The pain is going to be there for a long time, Ash. It’s not going to go away anytime soon. But it doesn’t mean you won’t do something about it. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t move on with your life. The pain is going to be part of it. You know what they say? If it doesn’t kill you, it should only make you stronger. And hey, what do you know? You’re still alive, aren’t you?”

I took a deep breath and then I closed my eyes.

Somehow, a light bulb seemed to have flickered inside my head… for the first time in weeks. I smiled slowly at Adam. “Yes, Adam. I’m still alive…”