Chapter 3: Just a friend to you

QUINN

Nate stood there, leaning against the door jamb with what might've looked like casual nonchalance in other guys. But I knew he did that to rest his legs after the long walk down the hallway. Rowing crew had helped Nate improve his strength, no doubt, but it couldn't take away the damage caused by the degenerative muscle disease.

"Hey, Nate." I smiled, craning my head back so I could see him better. "I thought you had practice today."

"Canceled." His eyes flickered over to Jake. "Hey, man."

"Nate, this is Gia. I've talked about her, I know, but I don't think you've met. Gia, this is my best friend in the world, Nate Wellman. He's known me since I was born, and he harbors all of my deepest, darkest secrets."

I'd meant my introduction to be light and flippant, but Nate didn't so much as a crack a smile. His gaze skittered over Gia, and he gave her a brief nod. "Hey."

Her eyes lit up as she looked him over, and I realized with a jolt that Gia saw something in Nate that I never did. She didn't see the years of struggle and pain and illness, the way he'd been fighting as long as I could remember just for brief glimpses of normal. No, Gia saw a cute guy, with a broad, muscled chest and hair that fell into large, expressive eyes.

Clearing my throat, I motioned him into the room. "Come on in and sit down. Jake, Gia and I were just talking about the response to my cheerleader piece."

Nate didn't budge from the door, but he shifted his laser-sharp focus on me. "What happened?"

"Nothing really. Tell you about it later. Are you heading home now?"

"Yeah, I was about to. I wanted to see if you were ready to go, too. It's a nice day for a walk."

I hesitated, for more than one reason. We all lived fairly close to the high school, but what was easy walking distance for me wasn't necessarily the same for Nate. I couldn't bring that up in front of Jake and Gia, though. Nate was sensitive enough about how other guys saw him; the last thing I needed to do was coddle him in front of an audience.

I had a more selfish angle, too, though. I'd planned on spending at least another hour here in the newspaper office, maybe brainstorming for my next opinion piece and just hanging out with Jake, Gia and anyone else who happened to wander in. These were my people, my friends. One of the benefits of Nate getting involved in crew was that it freed me to do my own thing for the first time in ...well, ever. I didn't have to feel guilty about leaving him out. And I liked that.

Jake must have misinterpreted the reason that I didn't respond immediately to Nate. He gave my rolling chair a little kick, knocking my feet off the desk.

"Nothing's happening here, Q. Go on home for now. Probably better you stay out of Trish's orbit anyway. At least until she cools down."

I heaved a deep sigh. "Fine. But I want a shot at that article on tenure for teachers. I can think of more than a few in this school who're only still here because the union protects them."

"Q, that's going to be straightforward report. No bias allowed. Remember? That's only way Ms. Nelson would okay it."

"Bias? Me?" I stood up and fluttered my eyelids in feigned innocence. "I am all about the journalistic integrity and impartiality. You know that."

Jake rolled his eyes. "Get the hell out of here, would you? I'll make sure you're in the running."

"Fine." I stuck out my tongue at our editor-in-chief as I scooped my books. "We're not done talking about this, though, Jake. Gia, don't steal my teacher piece after I leave."

She crossed her heart. "Never would. Not my circus, anyway. It's all yours, Katherine Graham."

"That's a good one-Katherine Graham." Jake leaned against the desk. "Does that make me Ben Bradlee?"

"In your dreams, buddy." I waved. "See you tomorrow."

"Later, Q. Bye, Nate."

Nate answered only with a curt nod, letting me pass him through the doorway before he slowly pushed off and walked alongside.

"You need to stop at your locker?" His tone when it was just the two of us was much gentler, less defensive.

"Nope. I'm good."

We walked toward the side doors of the school, both of us silent. I slowed my steps to accommodate Nate's, as I always had. Anyone watching us might think we were a typical couple, taking our time as we meandered down the hall, but I could still see the slight stutter and the occasional jerkiness of Nate's gait.

As soon as we were outside, on the sidewalk, Nate glanced down at me. "Want me to carry your books?"

"No." I brushed up against him, not quite shoving into his side, but almost. "I'm a strong, independent young woman, Nate. I carry my own damn books."

"Nice. I was just offering. Being a gentleman." He grinned, shaking his head.

"Duly noted and appreciated, but no, thanks." I stepped onto a cluster of acorns, relishing the satisfying crunch beneath the rubber sole of my sneaker. "The trees are so pretty, aren't they? If only they could stay like this and not fall. I hate winter, when they all look so dead."

A shadow passed over Nate's face. "Yeah, me too. But then spring comes. You just have to hold on long enough to get through the winter."

"I guess. Still. I'd be okay if we went right from fall to spring, with maybe a little bit of snow just on Christmas day."

"Customized weather, huh? Someone should get working on that." He kicked a pile of dried leaves. "Quinn, what happened with Trish?"

"Oh." A strand of my brown hair fell over my eyes, and I blew up a breath to brush it away. "It really wasn't anything. She didn't like what I wrote, and she tried to intimidate me. That was it."

"She just backed down?" Nate, all too familiar with the ways of bullies, sounded skeptical. "Really?"

"Well ...no. It might've been worse, but Leo showed up and got her to leave." I tried to keep my own frustration out of my words, but it was impossible, especially when I was with Nate. He was the only other person who truly understood what it was like to see one of our best friends-the third in our Trio-change so much that he was more like a stranger these days.

"What did Leo do?"

I didn't miss the heavy irony. Nate's resentment of Leo was even greater than mine; on the rare occasions I was around both of them, I felt like the rope in a game of tug-of-war.

"Oh, he just sort of diffused the situation. Told Trish to cease and desist." I paused, wondering how much more I should share with Nate. "And then he basically told me that I was wrong for having written that op-ed piece."

"So it's your fault that Trish attacked you?" Nate shifted his backpack from one shoulder to the other, and I noticed tiny beads of sweat on his upper lip. I must've been walking too fast without realizing it. I gradually slowed my steps.

"He didn't come out and say that, but that's the way I took it. I might've gotten a little pissy with him. I think I hurt his feelings."

Nate scoffed. "Yeah, I doubt that. I know you try to give him the benefit of the doubt, Quinn, but Leo hasn't had feelings for a long time when it comes to us. He always looks at me like I'm ...I don't know. The old teddy bear his mom refuses to throw away. Like he's outgrown me."

"I don't think that's true." The mad that had carried me after I'd turned my back on Leo was giving way to hurt. Misery was a band around my heart, squeezing until I felt like I was going to cry. I kept seeing Leo's face when we were arguing in the hallway. His expression had been almost one of ...pity. Maybe Nate was right. But admitting that to myself was excruciating, since apparently some small part of me had been clinging to the belief that some day, Leo was going to fall in love with me. He was going to see me the same way I saw him, and he would realize that we really were meant to be together.

That faith was beginning to waver, though. It died a little each time I saw Leo walk off the football field with his arm around one cheerleader or another, and when I heard stories passed around school about how Leo the Lion-that was his nickname on the team-was more accurately Leo the Lover.

"You don't want to see it, but that's the way he acts. When you're around, it's not so bad, but when you're not, he ignores me. Or worse."

I wasn't sure I wanted to know what worse meant. Fortunately, we'd just reached my house, and I turned down my front walk. "Come on. Let's sit down for a minute."

Kicking the leaves from the brick step at the edge of the porch, I sank down, dropping my books onto the ground next to me. Nate took a minute to hook his backpack on the railing, and I turned my back on him for a moment, pretending to check one of my notebooks, intentionally giving him some privacy as he joined me. Going from standing to sitting and back again was always a little bit of a process for Nate, and I knew it embarrassed him for me to sit gawking while he made it happen.

Once I heard him exhale loudly, I knew it was my cue to shift attention back to him. I picked up the thread of our conversation while delicately skirting what he'd said last. "Nate, I'm not defending Leo. I think the way he treats us is shitty. I'm just saying, I don't think he actually realizes it sometimes. He looked genuinely surprised and hurt today when I said he didn't know me anymore."

"You said that to him?" Nate sounded both surprised and pleased.

"Yep." The errant strand of hair fell into my face again, but before I could blow it out of the way, Nate reached over and gently tucked it behind my ear. He trailed one finger over my jaw, just barely skimming the skin. I froze, painfully aware of how close he was sitting to me and the brush of his breath on my neck.

It was getting more and more difficult to ignore the hints Nate dropped about his feelings toward me. More than once, he'd acted as though we were already a couple. Even this afternoon, when he'd stopped at the newspaper office, there had been an air of possessiveness that transcended our reality-that we were best friends, and nothing else. But until Nate actually made a move, I couldn't very well tell him I didn't feel the same way about him. And I didn't want to hurt him-the very thought of that made my stomach clench and roll.

So I fell back onto my old stand-by: ignore and deflect. With a half-laugh that sounded forced even to my own ears, I ran both hands over the top of my head, pulling back my hair and holding it in ponytail form.

"God, I swear, this hair drives me nuts. I should just cut it all off."

"No way." Nate shifted back, and if there was disappointment on his face, I chose to ignore it. "Your hair is so pretty."

"Oh, you're sweet, Nate." I rolled a hair band off my wrist and secured it over my hair. "Don't worry. I don't think I could ever get rid of it. I just like to complain about how much it bugs me." I tightened the band and then scooted over just a little, so I could swivel and bend up my knee as I faced Nate.

"Listen, I know Leo's said and done some things that hurt you. And me, too. I'm not sticking up for him, but I'm not willing to make him our enemy either. We have too much history, the three of us. Our families have been friends since our moms were pregnant with us and in childbirth class together. We were each other's first playmates. Every milestone we hit, we did it together. When I look at him, I try to see that boy instead of the football star. You know?"

Nate shrugged, but his eyes never left my face. "It always was easier for you to forgive Leo. You've always been willing to think the best of him."

"I'd do the same for you." I covered his hand where it rested on the warm brick of the porch.

"I'd never put you in a position where you'd have to do that." Nate pushed himself to his feet, teetering just slightly. He grabbed his backpack and slung it over his shoulder. "I gotta go. See you tomorrow, Quinn."

I watched him walk down the block with his careful precision, never sparing me a backwards glance. I'd thought I was miserable after my spat with Leo at school-and I had been-but now, with both of them unhappy with me, everything in my world felt wrong.

I buried my face in my hands and wished I could turn back time.