Chapter 4

Emma

"Do you realize the gravity of your actions?!" I heard Mom yell, "I don’t care that you’re 22. Liam!" my mother continued, and then I heard the sound of a door slamming violently.

I sighed and looked at the ceiling as Lola, the house cat, got on my bed and snuggled up next to me. She, too, couldn’t stand the screams that had been made within ten minutes. My brother had come home early in the afternoon. The clear look, the neat look, despite the fact that she had huge dark circles under his eyes, and his face wasn’t the best. Mom was already pissed because Dad told her that he came to pick me up while Liam was staying at Axel’s, needless to say, Mom had become a rage and did not accept certain behaviors from Liam, According to her logic, my brother should have remained alert and sober because I was there, according to Dad did not matter and did nothing if Liam wanted to have fun, I would always be safe, and, if there was no Dad, I would have just stayed at the home of uncles.

And yet Mom didn’t see it that way when it came to Liam. I missed a lot in a year. Besides the fact that Liam was getting carried away by some slut, his relationship with Mom had been more broken. Not that they always got along before. The truth was that my brother was too much like our mother, leading him too often to clash with her, especially if he didn’t do what she wanted. He’d get into trouble on time, and for the past year, it seemed like Liam was a magnet for trouble. This made Mom worry terribly about him and get angry like a beast every time.

Not because she wanted to or because she liked going against Liam, the contrary. My mom loved Liam, even though she didn’t want to admit it, and Noah and I both knew that Liam was Mom’s favorite, and that’s exactly why she was more pissed off because she couldn’t admit to herself that her baby wasn’t as perfect as she thought.

I sighed, and I took the phone from the bedside table, taking it out of charge before opening the chat with Axel. I bit my lower lip and looked back at the ceiling.

It was strange to be back in my room after a year of wandering around Europe. Being surrounded by my teenage posters, my books, and my things. I felt almost out of place. This trip had done nothing but confirmed my doubts and my fears and had not given me the mental stability I needed, especially after seeing him again in all his glory. I couldn’t stop the heartbeat, the butterflies in my stomach. God, what was wrong with me? Why was I so sick?

It wasn’t normal, I wasn’t normal. I couldn’t, I shouldn’t have. Yet I could never stop my heart from galloping into my chest whenever I thought only the slightest bit of his eyes, his smile. I sighed, got out of bed, and then went to the French door and opened it wide. I went out onto the balcony I shared with Liam’s room, and I leaned my elbows against the railing, looking at the garden below where the pool water reflected the rays of the sun and then beyond, towards the city skyline. 

I bent down and put my chin on my arm, tears began to prick my eyes, and I didn’t know how to stop them from leaking out. What was wrong with me? Why did I have these problems? Why was I so wrong?

In my life, I always knew who my heart belonged to and who it would belong to for the rest of my days, even though I had done everything I could to prevent it. 

I had dated other guys and had really important relationships in my life, but no one had ever made me feel like only Axel could with one look. No one had ever managed to make my heart beat so hard that it almost burst into my chest. No one had ever been able to create all those emotions that made me so alive, so me. But why him? Why with my flesh and blood?

I was sick, definitely sick. I should have talked to a specialist, locked up in some facility. I felt wrong and ashamed of myself and how I felt.

I pulled up my nose as a lonely tear ran down my cheek.

Why, of all people, him? Why couldn’t I break away? Why couldn’t I feel for someone else what I felt for him?

Dad always gave me big talk about love, how beautiful it was, and how it made you complete. But I never thought my love would make me so disgusted with myself that it wouldn’t even make me look in the mirror.

Why did everything have to be so hard for me? Why couldn’t I find a nice guy with whom I’d spend the rest of my life, start a family, and be happy forever? Why did I have to feel all this for the one person in the world I should never have felt anything about?

"Depression doesn’t suit you, little sister," I heard Liam’s voice.

I wiped my cheeks and lifted to look at him. Liam was resting on the balcony railing, a cigarette between his fingers, and looking up at the sky. He had wet hair, wore only a pair of soccer shorts, was barefoot, and was slightly bent forward.

"I’m not depressed," I immediately said.

"Whoever he is, if he makes you feel that way, it means he doesn’t deserve you, remember it," Liam said, taking his cigarette to his lips and sucking deeply, then blowing the smoke, creating a cloud that was carried away by the cool breeze of that day.

"What about you?" I said with my elbow on the railing, "Whoever she is that makes you so tanned at night is not worth it, remember."

"It’s worth it if it makes me feel good," Liam replied, looking out of the corner of his eye.

"If that’s your concept of feeling good, big brother, you should understand then what makes you feel bad," I said harshly.

"God, can’t you just leave me alone?" Liam snorted and took his cigarette to his lips again.

"No, because we love you and care about you," I said.

"If you loved me, you’d let me live my life with my mistakes."

"What if these mistakes lead you to a precipice from which you will never be able to rise again?" I said.

"Then I’ll stay in the abyss. Do me a favor Em, stop meddling and think more about your problems, which seem to be more serious than mine" Liam threw his cigarette across the balcony and went back to his room, slamming the French door and closing the curtains.

I sighed and looked back at the sky, Liam would self-destruct shortly thereafter and not let anyone help him, and, as much as I had to leave him alone as he asked me, I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it.

I heard the cell phone ring, and I went back into the room, throwing myself on the bed and bothering Lola, who, snorting, left.

Megan was making a video call to me, and I’m going to decide whether you will answer her. I didn’t really want to hear about her, especially if our conversations were going to revolve around her crazy love for Axel.

I sighed and put my chin on my forearm as I continued to look at the screen of the phone ringing, showing me Megan’s happy face. 

After a couple of rings, she finally gave in and hung up, and I sighed in relief. Relief lasted relatively little because Megan called me back again. If I didn’t answer, she would have called me for hours, and it would have been worse. So I took a deep breath and put a smile on my face before hitting the answer.

Immediately Megan’s moist face appeared on the screen. Her red hair was wet, and she was still in her towel in her bathroom.

"Finally!" she blurted, "Why didn’t you answer first?"

"I was in the bathroom with no phone," I lied, I had gotten good at it, "Why do you look upset?" I asked her as she anxiously threw away several creams.

"Because I’m upset, Em!" she cried almost desperately, "Tonight I have a date, and I absolutely don’t know what to wear!"

I laughed and rolled over on the bed, lying on my back and holding the phone in front of me.

"A date? Who is the poor creature?" I asked, laughing.

"Don’t be stupid, Em! Anyway, if you’re interested, I’m going out with Axel tonight, he’ll pick me up in an hour, and I haven’t decided what to wear yet!"

I felt the smile disappear from my face and weight fall down my stomach. I swallowed with difficulty, and I tried to keep the smile while Megan continued to babble, but I didn’t listen to her anymore. I couldn’t do it anymore, in my ears, all it did was arrive all muffled while I tried to remain calm in front of her. To not show my emotions because otherwise, I would have been seen as weak, and above all, I didn’t want to show her how much that information hurt me.

I knew Axel had a myriad of women but never had a real relationship, but I knew how many women he was sleeping with, and as much as it hurt, I knew they were nothing to him because he didn’t date, he didn’t have a girlfriend, they were just momentary. But it was different with Megan. Megan was in love with Axel, and I knew that my friend always got what she wanted, and I was terrified. I didn’t know how I could resist if Axel was in love with her if they got together. I would have been destroyed, and the worst of all was that I couldn’t show it, because I had no right, because it was sick, I was sick.

I pretended to listen to Megan for a little while, she walked into the room and decided what to wear. Needless to say, she took out very sexy lingerie, and at that moment, she felt bile crawling up my throat. No. I couldn’t.

"Sorry, Meg, but my mother is looking for me. I have to go. Bye!" I said, interrupting her in her monologue and hanging up the phone.

I bit my lip, which was beginning to tremble dangerously, and my sight faded as I began to sob relentlessly. I turned to my side and put my head on my bent arm as I let the tears run relentlessly over my cheeks until they fell on the bed. Maybe I would cry for a while, hoping it would make me feel better even though I knew I’d never be better.

I knew that the pain, that immense chasm that was slowly being created in my chest would not heal quickly, that I would not be well, it would never happen and I knew that I could not talk to anyone because I couldn’t bear the disapproving looks of others in knowing that I was so sick that I fell in love with my cousin and that it was destroying me from the inside because I knew that I could never have him and that I would never be able to show this love to anyone.