Will I Heal (4)

I was pacing in Lisa's office, feeling aggravated just thinking about everything that had happened today. I had successfully gotten a meeting set up with her, that was one of the good things about my status' privilege.

I had just finished telling her about the things that had happened first. She poked and prodded in order to get me to try to grasp the ways I was feeling in a way I could try to understand those feelings.

“I'm kind of scared. This thing about her scent, about me being drawn to her... Did the Goddess make her my mate just to spite me?”

Lisa leaned back in thought. “Well, consider this. Rose truly has not done anything wrong to you. Maybe, if she is your mate, the Goddess is trying to help you heal. Maybe this could be a good thing. Perhaps you can begin to let go of these nasty feelings you harbor towards her, once and for all.”

I was sick and tired of hearing this, but at the same time... It wasn't necessarily the worst thing I've ever heard. And it's not as if she were ugly or weak. She wasn't stupid, nor obnoxious like some girls could be.

If it wasn't for Nyoka, maybe things could have been different. But the link, what if that link in my brain could never be broken? That link that connects Rose and Nyoka and the terrible things I felt.

“I understand Rose is your biggest PTSD trigger, but you must also understand that she has absolutely no clue that she has this effect on you, and that you are even traumatized at all. Especially with this tough guy mask you wear around everyone else but me, and your family.” She said in a soothing tone.

Once again, she was right, as usual. I sort of hated that. But I used to be a much bigger mess before I began seeing her. My mom really did make a good choice in forcing me into this. I was secretly grateful for it. My parents have been so patient with me. I lashed out a lot, but I tried to make up for it.

Ever since I began this therapy I have virtually stopped lashing out. I glanced at the time. My session was nearly over. I finally sat down. “I'm still scared, Lisa.” I said quietly, nearly silently.

She looked at me with kindness in her eyes. “I know. But just take things one day at a time. And in 13 days, you'll know for certain if she's your mate or not. Maybe it's just a fluke.”

After the session ended I sat down with Pat in his room. It was time to talk to him about today.

“So when we got to school I... I smelled this smell. Like, it was an incredible and intoxicating smell.” I was still struggling with this, so it wasn't easy to talk about but he deserved to know what was going on. It was Pat. My future Beta.

“Sounds like maybe the way a mate smells. Maybe since you're to be the Alpha you are starting to sense it early.” He murmured, not realizing yet who I was talking about.

“That's the thing, Pat. I quickly found out who the smell was.” I could feel the panic swirling in my chest again. “It was Rose. Of all people, it was Rose.”

Pat froze, and his eyes went wide. “Holy shit.” He whispered. He laid a hand on my shoulder.

“But there's more.” I continued, anguish starting to creep into my voice. “I kept getting this weird feeling like I was being drawn to her. And Luca kept going insane around her.” I took a deep breath. “I can feel my hatred deteriorating then coming back again, and I'm getting whiplash from it.”

“And it doesn't help that she absolutely loathes me. I mean, with good reason, I'll admit that. But boy she hates my mere presence. I've been yelled at by both her and Lily. Lily went off on me during sixth period.”

Pat decided to give me a soft hug, which I did need, and I let him.

“I don't know how I'm going to handle school in the morning.”

Pat sat back down and thought hard. “Maybe I can try to run interference and maybe also try to get her to be more forgiving towards you.” He offered. “I sort of gained her acceptance today.”

I pressed my lips together, I didn't exactly love Pat getting close to her. But maybe it could be useful. “Okay, worth a shot I guess.” I stood up and walked over to his door. “Thank you for being there for me always.”

Pat nodded. “You're my big brother. I'll always be here for you.”

I head downstairs and made dinner for the family. Sal was clinging to my leg and I couldn't help but to feel protective of my little five year old brother. I tousled his hair as I cooked, and I was just finishing as Haven wandered in. I served plates for everyone and mindlinked everyone else who wasn't already down here that dinner was ready.

When my mom asked me how my day had went, Pat interrupted to talk about something having to do with our land's dirt, and I knew he had done so just to give me a chance to avoid talking about it. And I was glad, because I wasn't ready to talk about my day with anybody else quite yet.

When dinner was finished I cleaned all the dishes, tucked Sal into bed, and told him a story. I watched as he fell asleep, a look of innocent peace on his delicate little face. I hope he'd keep his innocence for as long as possibly possible.

When I finally got up to get ready for bed I was exhausted. I crashed hard, and fast.

And there she was, right there in my dreams. She smiled softly at me, and gently caressed my face. It felt like heaven. But I couldn't move, I couldn't do anything. And then I was awake.