I don't belong here

My dreams come in waves every night, but they are more vivid tonight. I can feel another place, another world, a place where I belong, where I am not an outsider. I open my eyes and see lightning dash across the sky; maybe that is why my dreams are so vivid tonight. The storm is loud. It sounds as if the wind and rain are angry. Maybe it is.

I look at the clock. The small clock blinks 333. The power must've gone out from the storms. The house feels a little warm. I guess I slept through the power outage. I slide to the side of the bed. I want to look out the window. Why? I have no idea. It is as if something or someone is calling to me. I have felt this way my entire life, like something is out there for me.

I slide into my pink fuzzy house shoes and walk sleepily across the hardwood floor of my upstairs bedroom. I slide the sheer white curtain back and look into the night. It is beautiful and angry at the same time. I close my eyes and take a deep breath of the rain. The smell is sweet and energizing. As I open my eyes, the thunder claps loudly, and a beautiful bolt of bold lightning races across the sky.

I walk away from the window, feeling alive and at peace. I go down to the kitchen for a coke and maybe a cookie or something. I try to be as quiet as possible, but I must not have been as quiet as I thought.

"Fallon, what are you doing out of bed? It is 4 in the morning," my mother Susan asks me. She doesn't really look mad. This is like a ritual for us.

I turn to see her standing in the kitchen. We look nothing alike. I have long red hair. My mother, father, and brother are all blonde. I have often wondered if the hospital mixed me up with another baby or something.

"Sorry. The storm woke me up, and I thought I would grab a snack," I answer her.

My mother smiles and joins me in the pantry. "What are we looking for?" she asks.

I smile. "Cookies," I answer.

Mother reaches behind a box and pulls out chocolate chip cookies. She is hiding cookies from my brother and me. I can't blame her. She has to have something for herself.

My brother, Tad, is 15. I am the oldest. I am 17 . I will be 18 soon. I want to move out and go to college somewhere away from this small town, but every time I mention it, mother loses it. She is not ready to let go. She doesn't get into my business or bother me. She only wants me here at night so she knows I am safe. I get that, but I am ready to be on my own and see the world.

"Hiding things from your favorite daughter, I see?" I question her.

Mother and I sit down at the bar. I open a coke for both of us, and she opens the cookies. This isn't the first time we have met in the kitchen after or during a storm.  I am not sure when this ritual started. I know I was young, but not sure when.

Mother and I sit silently while we drink our coke and eat our cookies. She acts as if there is something on her mind. I reach over and touch her hand. "Are you okay?" I ask her.

Mother looks away for a moment. "Yeah. I am fine. It is just that we need to talk. Maybe after I get back from seeing your Aunt. You still aren't going?" Mom says.

I shake my head. "I have to work and study for finals. I am sure Tad will be happy that I am not going," I say.

Mother gets up from the bar and walks away. "I love you, Fallon. You are the very best thing that ever happened to me," she says. Her words echo strangely, and then the thunder cries out.

I clean up the kitchen. I go up the stairs to my bedroom. I walk slowly, so the steps do not squeak too much, and I wake up the rest of the family. They could already be awake. This storm is ridiculous.

I stop looking at our family pictures hanging as I make my way up the steps. I stop looking at the red-haired girl with the blonde family. I wonder what people think. Maybe my mother had an affair. Perhaps I was stolen at birth. No, my mother is golden. Dad always says that I look like his family, but there are no pictures of his family. Odd. Of course, I am strange, so that makes sense.

I climb back into my bed and cover up with my purple comforter. I close my eyes and listen to the rain. Rain is the most peaceful sound for me. I could sleep forever. I drift into a dream.

I wake to my alarm blaring at me. I look at the clock. It is no longer blinking. Mother must've set it for me after I fell asleep. Sometimes I hear her come into my room and check on me at night. I wonder why she watches me so closely. She always has looked out for me.

I do not think it is because I am her only daughter. I have always felt like there is more to her fears. I remember as a child her being afraid to allow me to go to a spend-the-night party or anywhere overnight and out of her sight. It was my father who always convinced her to let up and allow me to spread my wings.

When I started looking for colleges, she was adamant I stayed close to home, and I applied for colleges close to home for her. I have never felt like she is controlling or anything like that. She is afraid, and I have no idea why. Maybe that is what she plans to tell me when she comes home from seeing her sister.

My Aunt Tricia has never liked me. I am not sure why, but that is the main reason I am not going with them to see her. Sick or not, on her deathbed and dying, I do not care. I hate that I feel that way, but she tormented me as a child. Aunt Tricia and her spawns always made fun of me and harassed me. She is a bully. Tricia and her spawns are all bullies.

My father was always able to see it. He encouraged my mother not to pursue or push me to go with them on this trip to see Aunt Tricia. I used the excuse that I had to work and study, but honestly, I am ready for finals, and I could've taken off to go with them. I made a choice not to go. My job is important, but my boss is fantastic. He would've given me the time.

I work for a research lab under Dr. Braum. He only takes a few seniors every year, and I am one of the lucky ones. He is an older gentleman. He is kind and considerate and has taught me a lot about medical research. If it weren't for Dr. Braum, I would've never met Bruce Andrew, my best friend. So, I will not be leaving Dr. Braum in a bind to see my dying bully aunt and her harassing daughters.

Besides, I am looking forward to the house being quiet for a few days. None of Tad's loud friends coming by the house. No blaring TV. Just peace. I can't remember the last time the house was quiet. Maybe I can cook and invite Bruce over. He is the only person I really share my life with these days. Honestly, Bruce is my only friend.

I don't hang out with any of the girls from school or work, just Bruce. From the first time I met him, I was pulled to him. Not in a relationship type of way, but in a friendship kind of way. He is the only person I have in this world other than my family. Even with them, they are not really all that close to me.

My entire life, people have found me odd. At first, I thought it was because my mother is overprotective, but that is not it. It is me. I get these feelings, and then things happen. I should've never shared that information with anyone. That is when I stopped getting invites to sleepovers and birthday parties.

At least with Bruce, I can be myself. I can tell him about my dreams and the things I see or feel. I can tell him everything. Bruce does not judge me. With Bruce in my life and my work, I really have everything I need. Except maybe my own place. I plan to move out soon. I hope it doesn't break my mother's heart too much. I will have to recruit dad to help. When I go to college, I plan to be out on my own.

I slip into my house shoes and go down the stairs. I stop and look at the family portraits again. I do this every time I go up or down. I mean, the pictures are not going to change. I have no idea what I am looking for when I stop.

Oddly out of the corner of my eye, I see a picture of two red-haired people looking at me from behind my parents in the picture. It is as if they are nested behind them. I look back quickly, and there is no one there. It is only my parents in the picture. I wonder what that means. Maybe I will meet them soon.  Are they important to me somehow? I have no idea how my visions work.

My family is talking, laughing, and eating breakfast in the kitchen. I stand back and watch them for a moment. There are moments when I feel like I do not belong here, and then there are moments like these. I see myself in my family and know I belong with them. Just not my impossible Aunt and her bullying daughters.

"Fallon, come sit, eat with us before we leave," Tad calls out to me. He is a pestering jerk, but I love him.

I go into the kitchen and sit down with my family. We laugh and smile. We talk about college and my future plans. My mother is distant. I hope I am not breaking her heart by leaving. I don't want to hurt her.