Chapter 17- Starry nights

“So what happened with Gabriel” my sister asks me, she leans over the garden chair next to mine,. A look of glee plastered on her face. It’s 11 o’clock  and the evening air is so cool. Dinner was interesting I spent over an hour avoiding eye contact with my mother. I’m sure she heard what I said to Rose but she didn’t bring it up. All through dinner I kept my attention on my niece and nephew, they kept me entertained us  with stories about school and adventures they have with their friends.

We’re sitting in the backyard, we’re surrounded by flowers and shrubs. It reminds me of Gabriel’s garden. This one is significantly smaller but it gives me the same feels I had when I was there. I realize I want to be there right now, I want to be there with him. Those few minutes we spent in his greenhouse were amazing. It’s only sad that I didn’t feel it in that moment. Am I one of those people that I need a master class on how to be more present?

“He fucked my brains out” I say leaning close to her so she can hear me when I whisper. I can’t have my parents overhear me talking about my sex life.

“Why are you whispering? “ She says whispering too.

“I don’t want mom to hear” I say whispering back.

“Who cares if she hears you’re a grown woman. Don’t worry about her. “ she says speaking in a normal voice. “So how was it?” she continues.

“It was… Intense.” I say feeling a bit hot. I fan myself, my body gets a little warmer every time I think about being with him.

“Oh! Intense sounds incredible. Do tell” she says clapping happily.

“I don’t know Rose. I felt out of control. It was like I felt everything at once and it was like he could make me do whatever he wanted. I don’t think I knew what was going in the moment, it’s now that I had time to think that it all comes back to me. I don’t know… “ I say looking at her for some sort of help to make sense of my feelings.

She’s silent for a moment. Then she opens her mouth to say something but closes it, she keeps quiet for a moment longer. I look up at the skies giving her a moment to think. The night sky is always so beautiful here. As a kid I would wake up late at night and sit outside to watch the sun turn from black to midnight blue. It always gave me a sense of calm.

“I’m trying to figure out if I’m getting what you’re telling me. So you do want to be with him because you feel like he’s got all the power.” She says breaking me out of my thoughts.

“It’s not just that. How can we be together? There are so many things that are against us being together.” I say and she gives me a look.

“Like what?” she says looking at me like I’m crazy.

“Well chief among them Zan” I say stating the obvious.

“Well… “ she starts to say then stops to think about it.

“Exactly” I say and she raises her hand to stop me.

“He might throw a fit because you’re his kid sister and Gabriel is his friend but that’s it.” She says simply like she solved everything.

“You and I both know Zan doesn’t just throw a fit and let shit go. He’s going to flip.” Zan has always been strict with me more than my dad ever was. We barely have a relationship as is and if he ever finds out about Gabriel and I he’ll flip the fuck out.

“I don’t see how you and Gabriel are a problem, what’s he going to do with him?” she asks raising her arms. “What did Gabriel say about all of this?” she asks a moment later.

“He doesn’t seem to be concerned about it” I answer sighing.

“I think you should take a page out of his book” she says smiling again.

“I don’t know” I say even more convinced Gabriel and I are a bad idea.

“Look, you seem to like him. Or else you wouldn’t be so worried about the whole situation. I say do what you want to do. Not what Gabriel wants to do or what Zan will find acceptable and definitely not what I say you should do. You’re a beautiful, intelligent, sexy ass grown woman. And if you were asking me, I would say enjoy yourself with that man, it’s very hard to find a man that will fuck you so good you forget all your problems.” She says, stands up from the chair and leaves me to my thoughts.

I sit there for about an hour before I hear footsteps coming my way. I look up and my dad is walking towards me. He sits on the chair next to mine and he’s silent for a moment

“A penny for your thoughts” he says finally. I smile and shrug.

“You know you can tell me anything right” he says when he sees that I’m struggling to talk.

“Really dad, anything?” I ask sure he doesn’t want to talk about boys with me.

“Anything at all. If you need an alibi, I’m your guy” he says touching my hand.

“We’re good for now, I’ll let you know when I need help hiding a body” I say wanting so much to talk to my dad about the many emotions running through my mind. But how do I put them into words that make sense, how do I say the right thing when I don’t even know what I’m feeling. I can’t think of a time when I’ve been this conflicted about my feelings for anyone. I’m usually the one who’s sure about where I stand. I was never someone who felt too much or anything beyond a good fuck. But here I am confused and horny as hell. And the only person that can help me out scare the shit out of me.

“Okay honey, let’s get to bed. We have a big day tomorrow.” He says standing up, I follow him to the house. Tomorrow is a new day.