Chapter 2: Inside Kagan's Diary

KACHINA ... Kachina left me.

I submerged myself in so much foolishness. I wanted to dig my dying self in this copper-colored sand. I ached to be swept away by the crashing waves so that I could permanently sink under the vast ocean of bottomless gloom and suffocate myself.

I desired to destroy myself because I deserved it. I was not worthy of Kachina. Though profoundly fetched by her, she despicably loathed my whole existence.

She never came. She abandoned me in this dreamy place and told me right on the phone that she preferred a future without me.

"Kachina ... Kachina!" I cried out in great anguish. My voice squeaked, but no sound was coming out. "Kachina! Why?!"

My vocal cords nearly stretched to their full extent. I embodied stupidity to have loved my best friend. But I was more than sure that I was ready to invest in this aching love.

I had been one of those people who accepted that first loves tended to hurt the most. It was the first heartbreak that a flipped person could suffer. Final decisions could never piece back the tiny broken fragments into an original heart frame because their words had shattered their fruitful meanings.

Since then, she has had my heart. It was only a while ago that she decided to drop it.

Oh, hell! A sane person could never wish to get sick. Yet, here I was, praying that by the next day, fever beat me. So Kachina could come back to my embrace again and take care of my feverish being like she used to care for me when we were little.

While I remembered the hopeful happenings that occurred a while ago, the events had certainly ruined my life, and the only woman I desired had trampled on my heart.

"Why, Kachina?" I asked the calm ocean, which could not commensurate my rage. "Why do you have to inflict more pain? Was this all I could get after sacrificing myself for you? After all, I have done so much for you in all these years! Kachina, answer me!"

Perhaps by tomorrow, I could not speak anymore because of this strained throat. I then gulped down every drop of the red liquid in the bottle of whiskey. Kachina might not witness my pain, but I wanted this whole place to hear the agony of my heart.

"Am I too little for you?" My voice cracked like broken glass.

I knelt on the sand, but even these grains could sting me. The world had done nothing but make me grieve. Oh, lovely Kachina, how could I ever be worthy of your plans? Whisper to me the secret pathways to your heart, so I could discern my way.

"Argh!" I tugged my hair tight and broke the whiskey bottle in my hand. The crystals spewed out and scraped me, and it stung every bit of me, including my soul. "K-Kachina, what have I done to be this unworthy of your love?"

The crimson blood flowed through my wrists and arms. The crystals sank into my flesh, worsening the discomfort.

I howled due to the physical torture that I had caused to myself. Will these pieces of glass in the bottle outrage me too? Bullshit! If I could only swallow these shimmering fragments...

"AAAAHHHH!" I moaned as I tried to pull out the one that descended deeper.

Every time I attempt to sequester the sensitive part, it gets graver. Blood dripped like a damaged faucet on the sand, making it rustic. The gentle weather made me resentful as the cold breeze pushed through my body, swaying bits of my emotions.

Unbeknownst to me, I was already setting foot into the pristine water, following the dark gray luna. Beneath the night sky, the stars fancied my misery.

They attested their brilliance by striking my tears, reflecting a bit of light. In a bolt flash, Kachina's repulsion of me swirled back to my mind.

On a terrace that could view the sea overhead, the pink roses scattered on the floor and hanging on the railings matched the charm of the lady I hoped to see. White roses and fragrant jaspers that I picked at a flower farm in Baguio circled the sides of the center table.

The insides of me drummed my whole body. I could not get enough about Kachina’s arrival. I was so positive that this night would be our first night as a couple. From childhood friends to lovers, it was such a cute glow-up. But only if she accepted my love.

The balcony, overlooking the grandeur of Panglao Island, created a breathtaking picturesque landscape. The serene sea, the moonlight, the tall palm trees, forming a silhouette, and... us. Only a few hours left, and my love will complete the picture.

Back to the touch of seawater against my skin, I endured the coldness. As I stepped further on the seabed, my head rose at the gray ball in the sky that kept me moving. There was a sudden twinge of pain in my heart, evoking me to recall my repeated pursuit of her.

Going back to my preparation for her arrival, I could almost fall asleep waiting for my reason for this surprise. On a rocking chair, I rested down and sought ways to entertain myself.

Earlier, the violinists were burnt out waiting for the event to start. They were asking questions that even I had no answer to. However, I told them to remain still for a few more minutes, but it was getting late, and their families would be looking for them.

"Sir, we have no choice left but to leave-"

I rose from my seat and charged at one of the violinists who spoke.

"Shit! I said you wait! She is coming!" Then, I cornered him against the wall.

Fear encapsulated his eyes while his companion held me. "Calm down, Sir," said he, in a lower tone.

I shut my eyes. The man sprinted away when I released him. The other was also banished, and I was left calling Kachina’s phone number. Three rings, no answer. I had already flooded her text messages, but all with no reply.

To regain my composure, I reached for the whiskey from the table. The golden platters were empty while the candles melted into short ones.

With the popping of cork released from the bottle, there was what vibrated in my denim shorts. I reached for it inside my pocket and immediately answered the call I had been waiting for. The call of my beloved.

In just a blink, all the sadness and tiredness were gone from waiting. Kachina's thin voice echoed on the other line.

Reliving that call, I prayed to Heaven to take me back to that moment. The moment that I should have refused to answer the call if I only knew what was bound to happen. But fate is a blur. The picture of us is unclear. We knew not what we could end up to. Hence, results could disappoint us if they had not been what we planned.

The waves of the sea crashed against my lifeless body, and I stumbled. But, I was persistent. Though clouds covered the bright moon, I stood up to follow its light.

"Kach!" A smile spread across my lips when I heard her voice on the other end. "Kach, have you arrived yet? Are you coming?"

"K-Kagan..." She whispered.

I beamed even more.

"I really, really miss you! Oh, I will be waiting for you," I promised. "Has the ship landed yet? Should I pick you up?"

"K-Kage, hear me out..."

"Oh. Yes, Kach?" I halted.

A heavy sigh echoed from the line, and my forehead creased.

"Hey, are you okay?"

"I'm sorry..." she said, almost like a whisper in the wind.

"Hey, what for?"

My brain lobes entangled into tight ropes, unable to realize what was happening.

"Did something happen? I will go right there. Are you in Bohol now?"

Kachina wailed, "No, please, don't go."

"What? What is happening? Tell me..."

Her tone was making me anxious. Then, there was a momentary pause on the other line before she answered.

"Please don't wait for me any longer. I can't go there, Kagan. I'm so sorry."

I froze.

"I can't go with you..." She continued feeling sorry.

My jaw tensed while my throat ached for self-control. "But, I'm planning to..." I could not form the right words because I was too exhausted to complain.

"Kagan, I'm r-really sorry."

"Shit!" I pounded the table. "I have been waiting for this day, Kach. I put in a lot of effort on this, and this! This was the freaking result? Kachina, I waited! Where are you?"

"Forgive me, Kage..." she sobbed, but I doubted if it was real.

I rubbed my forehead.

"Kach, I like you..." I confessed. "I like you more than anything else. You're my life. Please tell me you do."

"Kagan, please..."

"Don't you like me, too?"

There was a lingering silence that made me quiver in fear before she could answer.

"I am really sorry, Kage, but I have to fly to Europe."

My world sunk into a dark hole while glasses shattered like how my high hopes were crushed. I collapsed into my seat.

"W-what did you say?" I uttered breathily.

Wake me up if this revelation was all a dream. My mouth remained open, my eyes unblinking. I was trapped in a surge of unstoppable emotions.

"Kagan, I'm in Manila right now. Stop all that you are intending and please go home," she instructed. "Goodbye-"

"Kach, I don't understand!" I screamed to halt her from cutting the line. "I planned this, and remember you agreed! So why do you have to tell me you aren't coming now when all is prepared?!"

"Kage, please..." Her voice begged.

"No, Kach! Answer me!"

"What?! Oh, please.... go home!"

"We have a different matter here, Kachina. Answer my question!"

"What is it?" I could feel the restraint in her voice.

"If you were not flying to Europe, and that you're here..." I inhaled courage within me before continuing. "Will you answer me? Will you accept my love? Will you... say yes?"

I held my breath and prepared my ear just in case I would jump for joy or perhaps kneel for nothing. Soon crickets sang the night while wind fluted the crisp air. Still expecting her response, I hang on.

But when a minute had passed, I already knew it. I nodded, realizing what she could mean by her silence.

"Kach, I understand..."

"No," she said.

"W-what?"

I looked up to fight back my tears.

"No, Kagan," she continued. "With Europe or not, I'm not ready to commit."

I get it.

"Serious relationships are not my thing, Kagan." She sighed heavily. "Of all people, I thought you knew I viewed it as a distraction. Even when you are a friend, you are no exception. Commitment is a hard thing to do, and I'm not ready for it."

"I r-respect that..." My body was getting even weaker.

As she hung up the call, my phone slid from my palm, rattling on the floor. I had not picked it up because I had no strength to do so. The tears that I had long fought back cascaded down my cheeks.

And as I was advancing in the sea, my tears fell, joining the water ripples. I sped to reach the moon as I extended my palm to touch its glimmering light. The clouds parted sideways, and the star had shone again.

To be part of the ocean was my hope. The hope that would drown me underneath to be rescued by her. I paddled my arms to swim into the deepest part.

The waves gave pressure to my chest as the water surged to my neck. From hither in the vast ocean, I wanted the moon and the celestial bodies to witness us, my savior and me.

The person I will dedicate my life to.

As I swam further, I could already feel the water rising up my face. But just then, I was taken aback when a soft palm slid through my fingers underwater. My heart leaped as a woman pulled me back to the shore.

Someone still wanted me to live. I squinted at the stranger when we got out of the water. I gasped. "K-Kachina?"