Chapter 12

Dornell took in all of us with a nervous expression and flushed. Always the introvert, he reminded me once again of a person who carried too many secrets about the world.

A few minutes passed in silence, during which many of us wiped our noses and dried our tears. Then he took a deep breath and said, “we’ll need sympathizers. No matter how much we plan, we’re going to need to trust someone eventually. But the fewer the better. And we’ll also need supplies, supplies and time.”

“What if we can’t trust anyone?” Mylannes asked in a shaky voice. “I don’t trust anyone else anymore.”

“There must be those who want to help us. There’s no way that there isn’t.”

The statement hung in the air. I knew all of us were having the same thought, so I decided to voice it. “What about Threwon?”

“I refuse.”

Zaevia’s voice was striking with its bitterness. “That bitch condemned us. She practically raised us, she taught us everything we know, and then she threw us to the wolves.”

“Demons” I murmured, but no one heard.

Syrieze – who often remained aloof whenever we held debates – surprised me by speaking up. “I think it’s worth a try. I’ll never forgive her, but maybe she can be useful to us.”

O’mally nodded in agreement with this. Elodie looked between them and Dornell. “What do you think? Could Threwon be trusted?”

Dornell shrugged. “The maidens’ names are just numbers, and now we know why. They’re dehumanized just like the rest of us. I doubt they’ll be unsympathetic toward our cause, but I’m worried most won’t be willing to risk their position to help us out; especially when favor might be gained by ratting us out to Madam Dro.”

Mylannes sniffled. “I don’t trust Threwon anymore.” Several others murmured their agreement.

Elodie sighed. “So – no Threwon then?”

I considered my words carefully. Part of me was with them, in refusing to count our teacher among us. But a little voice inside me was yelling at me to take the risk.

Perhaps it was because I had seen her true face. Perhaps it was because behind the facade, I noticed something deeper, something that echoed within every one of us.

Everything I had ever known was a lie; no, not a lie, but a reality kept carefully away from us – a masterpiece of deception and dark surprises behind velvety drapes. Nothing, I realized, was as it seemed. All of those little things I’d noticed which had made no sense at the time, they had accrued.

Those things now became a well of knowledge from which to draw upon. What was it Dornell had once said to me? ‘You notice things too; you just don’t see it yet.’

Oh, now I got the joke. Very funny, Dorny. But my friend was anything but a liar.

“We can trust her” I said.

The whole table turned to look at me. I went on: “At least, I think it’s worth the risk. I don’t know about the other maidens; but I know that maiden Threwon hates what’s happening to us.”

“Why?” Torvis challenged. “She seems perfectly willing to ignore the fact they’ve all been grooming us as sex-slaves since the moment we were born! Were we even born? Who birthed us? Did they deliver us here, or were we simply unwanted children thrown on the side of the road where the Estate picked us up!”

“Stop it!!” Mylannes choked out a sob. This time it was the quiet twins, Norn and Bluec, who moved in closer to comfort her.

Torvis looked away, ashamed, but I caught his stare. “Like you and Ellie were willing to ignore it?”

He huddled further into himself. Elodie twisted beneath my arm to look at me. “That was different! We wanted to, Veille, we really did!! But as Torvis said, it was just… too painful. And there was nothing any of us could do to stop it. So we said nothing; that alone was torture enough!”

“That’s just my point” I pleaded with them, squeezing Ellie’s shoulder gently to show her I was sorry. “Maiden Threwon has been doing the same thing, and she’s been doing it for years. What do you say to a child whom you know is destined for a living hell? What do you say when you have no choice but to take part in the scheme, and you know there’s nothing you can do to stop it? Silence is the only option.”

“Not the only option” Syrieze muttered. “I’d have taken my own life long before I became a cog in this horror machine, or I’d have died trying to do something about it.”

I took a deep breath. “So would I. We say that now, and not everyone is like you, Syrieze. Threwon was a different person when some of us first came to the Hall. She laughed sometimes. She was kind. I knew something was eating at her these last few years, and now we all know what. The torment has changed her; as surely as any poison, it changed her. She still cares deeply about all of us – I’ve seen it.”

“Enough” said Zaevia, “to want to help us?”

I looked over at Dornell, who was watching me with that bored look of his that meant he was paying close attention. “I’ll find a way to talk to her. It might take a while; but if I approach her carefully, I think she’ll listen to me. No, I’m sure that she will.”

Dornell continued to study me, before the hint of a smile broke through that detached expression. He nodded. “I agree with Veille. It’s our best option right now. Like I said before, we have to start by trusting someone.”

I smiled in relief that my friend believed me on this. Nobody had yet mentioned the obvious; that if this didn’t work, then our virgin dreams of freedom would die as swiftly and surely as an infection exposed to alcohol.

But it was as he’d said: we needed someone outside of ourselves whom we could take into our confidence, or we wouldn’t know where else to begin. Despite living here my entire life, I didn’t know the first thing about the Estate, really. Nor did any of the others, I was certain.

Elodie frowned. “Then it’s agreed that no one is to speak to anyone else regarding this matter, until Veille is able to win maiden Threwon over to our side. Can we all agree to that?”

One by one, the others murmured in favor of my idea. My heart warmed to see that even Mylannes, for all that she’d been betrayed – we all were – nodded her head in agreement after a moment.

I took my arm off of Ellie and returned to my chair. The conversation over, everyone had now begun to pick at their soggy food once again. I no longer had any appetite.

I sighed deeply and closed my eyes. At least we now had a place to start; the knot in my belly had lessened slightly, perhaps sensing the faintest sliver of hope that we might one day be spared of our fates.

She couldn’t find out. She couldn’t simply read our minds and learn what we were plotting, could she? The way that Madam Dro’s gaze now seemed to follow me everywhere I went, despite not even having seen her since the day of our performance, made me fear otherwise; but I resolved not to let fear overrule common sense, or at the very least, hope.

After all, there wasn’t really any sorcery in the world, was there? Madam Dro had her wiles, surely; and it was true that something about her had always struck me as… unnatural. But if magic truly did exist, and the tales once told to me by maiden Severo had been truth all along, or contained some glimpse at it, then what would magic have to do with one frightening, aristocratic woman who ran a glorified brothel for her wealthy friends’ entertainment? That’s right – like everything else here in the Estate, it was all just smoke and mirrors. Nothing that a group of smart young people couldn’t overcome, just like any ordinary prison.

I set that thought in my mind and tried not to think about the layers I’d seen behind the face that claimed to be Madam Dro. And I tried not to think about that strange, ominous presence that I still felt, and had felt ever since I’d performed a dance that made an entire afternoon vanish away in what felt like minutes.