Getting Back Together

Claire

As I carried James inside, he didn't say anything and he didn't try to get away from my grasp. That was until we got to his room's door, then he jumped out of my arms and went in, shutting the door to my face. I was a little hurt though, but I knew how he must be feeling; finally meeting his Dad and his sister separated them again.

But it doesn't work like that, he can't just come back after four long years and think he can easily whisk us off to his side. I don't want to know whatever made him leave, the fact is that he left without a goodbye, without a note and he didn't even try to call.

I walked off to my room and buried my face in my pillow. I didn't want to think about him at all. My only regret was that James saw him and now he doesn't want to look at me.

I wasn't that lucky though; I couldn't stop thinking about him, about the past and about how much better it'd be if we're together again. A part of me wanted to run into his arms and forget the nasty past, but another part of me wanted to kick him to oblivion and blame him for my mother's death, my messed up childhood and the deep hurt in my heart.

I fell into a dreamless sleep.

*****

I had just got out of the shower the next morning, and was in the middle of putting on my top when my door flung open and James came in, clearly upset.

"James, you have to knock be..."

"I want to be with Daddy." He cut me off impatiently. I secured my top on my body before I answered.

"We can't. He abandoned us, remember?"

"Yes and you also said that he is such a good Dad that it felt wrong that he'd do that. He's back now, we can be with him."

"It doesn't work that way, James. He shouldn't have left in the first place; we needed him most then."

"I need him now."

"We don't need him. Uncle Mark..."

"I said I need him." He scowled, very near tears.

"James..."

"I don't believe that he abandoned us! Maybe Mom lied, she didn't love us anyway."

"That's not true!" I defended, moving closer to him. He backed away.

"It is. She never said she loved us and she didn't want to come with us because she doesn't want to be with us."

"Stop it, James. That is not true."

"You don't know that! You just want to believe what you think is true." He wiped his tearstained face and ran away.

I didn't even have the strength to call out to him. He's just so little, yet he understood that our Mom really didn't want us. Yes, she kept us with her, but she wasn't really interested in our lives; she rarely spoke to me and she always dumped James on me. Whenever James went to her for something, she'd always reply with: "Go to your sister." As soon as he no longer needed to be breastfed, I became his stand in mother; I was the one taking care of his every need and our mother couldn't even care less.

It was confusing to me because when my Dad was still with us, she was the best mother in the world; she cared for me so much that I thought she changed because my Dad left.

What if she has always been that way? What if she really didn't love us?

"Claire...?" Aunt Miriam came in through the open door, a hand on her big belly and the other held a letter. There's no one else who'd write to me except my Dad. Since I refused to listen to him, he must have written a letter to explain himself.

"A letter for you." She outstretched it to me and I took it, looking at my Dad's handwriting that spelled: "To Claire". It was as I remembered, neat and bold.

I crumpled it in my palm.

"Claire!" Aunt Miriam began, clearly surprised that I did that.

"I don't want to read his letter. I'm ready to go back with him." I said to the ground. She didn't reply right away and I felt her stare burning my skin.

"Are you scared of what you might find out? You really don't want to know the truth about what happened?" I nodded slowly.

"James wants to be with him, a part of me wants to be with him. I know the right thing to do is to go back to him and that's what I'll do."

"Oh, dear. Claire, you need to know what really happened..." She reached over to lift my chin up, so that I looked at her.

"One day, you'll get to know what really happened. Why don't you find out now and get it over with?"

"I'm not ready yet. You're right, I'm scared of what I might find out. I already know what the truth might be but I don't want to hear it yet, not now. It will completely shatter me if I find out that my Mom..." I choked on tears and didn't complete it. Aunt Miriam just gave me a comforting hug, dropping the subject.

It's fine if I can just forget the past for a while and try to be happy; James deserves to be happy and if my Dad tries to leave again, I'll be there to protect him from hurt.

Dad arrived almost immediately, so excited that he couldn't keep his hands off James. He tried to include me in their many hugs, but I gave him a hard stare, letting him know I'm only going home with him for James's sake. I didn't trust him; not one bit. Whatever his reasons were, the truth remains that he left his heavily pregnant wife and didn't care to even send child support. Did they even get divorced? Did he think about me? Did he miss me? Even if they got divorced secretly, he could have tried to reach out to me somehow. I couldn't stop thinking about what might have happened but I still wasn't ready to find out yet.

Let's see how it works out this time. One thing is for sure, I'm not putting my heart out there only to be crushed again. It's all for James, it's all for James.