Chapter 8: What is desire?

Valentina

New York, United States 2020 – spring

The club is packed when I get there a little before midnight, because Adrik took too long for once and not me. When I asked him who he was getting ready for, he told me to mind my own business.

By now, the two girls at the entrance already know me and don't ask to see my ID. Instead, they place the VIP bracelet on my wrist and fake smile when they tell me to have fun. I find Isabella and Raisa talking next to one of the tables, and Adrik disappears around the time we start talking about boys.

"Isaac's here." Raisa informs me and points to the table next to us.

"So?" I drily ask. I've noticed that ever since we had those talks around New Year's, she's been much more open with me about...everything. About what she does with Matteo, how they get along, about what he's doing during the day or who he's with.

Isabella steps closer. "You know Isaac?"

"We went to the same middle school in Moscow. He was a year older than me, and I had a crush on him." I explain, really finding the whole situation irrelevant. He's replied to some of my stories on I*******m since we saw each other on New Year's and even tried to ask me out on a date in the city. To which I said I had to study, even though it was half-true.

"I like him. He's nice. He used to play football with Vinnie in high school."

"Ugh, he's a football player?" I ask.

"Yes, but not the typical asshole you'd expect him to be. He's more...soft."

"And hot." Raisa adds, still looking in his direction. I check him out as he's leaning over the table to talk to one of his friends. He does look good. He's got the baby face and the muscles, which is a deadly combination if done just right, wearing black jeans and a white t-shirt that shows off his biceps. If he had tattoos, I would probably be going over there right about now.

"Yes, he's hot." I agree.

"You don't seem convinced." Isabella smirks and I look away when I catch Isaac looking back at me.

"Well, I just...when we text it's like I'm texting him because it's what needs to be done. When we talked at the party it seemed like I was talking just because I had to. Not because I wanted to." They both look confused, so I clarify. "Basically, I want to be impressed."

"Impressed how?"

"I don't know. When was the last time you were impressed by a guy? Like, when was the last time you felt like you really wanted him? Or maybe a better word would be desired."

"I feel that every day." Raisa tells me and I can't possibly believe that's true.

"Now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever really felt that I desired someone. Attracted, sure, turned on, sure. But desire? I don't know. What does it even mean?"

Isabella stays silent throughout the whole discussion, but she looks at me as if she understands exactly what I mean.

"He's coming over." Raisa whispers and I look at Isaac, who hasn't moved from where he's still leaning over the table saying something to his friend. Then I realize she's talking about Matteo, who materializes in front of me.

"Hi." He says to me, and I can tell Raisa doesn't like it.

"Hello."

He raises his glass and I instinctively bring mine up to push them together, looking him in the eyes as I do so.

"Anything interesting happen in class yesterday?"

Okay, so he wants me to help him with the course again and doesn't know how to ask directly.

"Depends on what you mean by interesting. But if you're asking whether I took notes, then, as usual, yes, I did. But I forgot to send them to you. I'll do it tomorrow."

"That's alright, I don't really understand them anyway. They're not even entire sentences. And some abbreviations don't even make sense."

I chew on my straw as I think about what to answer him. "I mean, I take my notes so I can understand them. If I know I can make a longer word shorter, I'll just write the abbreviation."

"Yes, but I can't understand it." he says, mimicking me.

I find it funny, so I smile. "Which one?"

"All of it."

Now I have to roll my eyes. "Do you want me to solve your problem?"

Matteo looks surprised. "Uh, no."

There's a short pause in which I just look at him, waiting for an answer, but then Raisa tells him that she's having fun at the party and that the club night was a success. I decide it's best to leave her with him and return to the conversation about Isaac with just Isabella. She feels that's my intention, so she lowers her voice.

"I think you should go for it. With Isaac, I mean."

"I don't know, it seems like so much work. How do I know it's worth it?"

"Just see what the vibe is, feel him out. He's cute, even has an accent."

"Yes, but to me, he's just a Russian speaking bad English."

She squints at me. "Ha. Good thing you both know Russian then."

"Do you want to go see the staff room?" Matteo interrupts us out of a sudden, and I don't even have to think about it before I down my drink and grab a bottle of water.

"Lead the way then." I say. I see Raisa making a out of the corner of my eye.

He takes forever to open the door but when he finally does, I go sit down on the chair across from him.

"So, what is this course about? You can at least tell me that."

"I never said I wouldn't help you."

"Alright. Do this line and then tell me what the course is about so I can at least get an idea."

I smile at him and take the plate. He watches me do the line and then I do the same. A tattoo is peeking out from under his white shirt, which is new, otherwise I would've noticed it before. There's just something about tattoos on a man that makes me instantly classify them as handsome.

Matteo leans back in his chair and looks at me expectantly, so I sit down and think about the easiest way to explain what Business Psychology is about.

"If it were just Psychology, would you know what it's about?" I ask.

"Probably, yeah."

"The course is basically psychology applied in the workplace, or in an organization overall, and it's used for enhancing productivity, for example. Or how to negotiate to get your way."

Matteo nods. "Okay, so it's not that hard."

"Of course, it isn't, it's kind of what you already knew because it just makes sense. There's just a lot of theory but if you look at the basic principles then it's easy."

"Do you have good grades?"

I frown. "I don't know my GPA, but I can definitely tell you that I have mostly C's."

"You seem to understand it pretty well."

"If you think of it like separate concepts that are part of a whole, then it's easy to piece the main ideas together and understand the subject. I think the problem is the theory, the definitions, which you have to learn in order to pass the exam."

"What do you do in seminars?"

I shrug. "Exam preparation, questions, I don't know. It's every Wednesday. You know, everything is on the schedule and the outline of the course is in the course material online."

Matteo pushes the plate towards me and I take it, accepting the responsibility of what I'm about to do. "I think if you'd care even one bit about your classes you could make it work. You just have to put some time and energy into it."

I get the feeling that he's smart but doesn't show it, so I know that if he'd put some effort in, he could pass the class. Exams aren't that hard, and this college isn't that strict anyway.

"Too much?" I ask, looking up at him when I realize I've made my type of lines, not the ones I've seen them do.

"Never."

I smile at him and watch as he does the biggest one first before holding the plate back to me.

"You've got cocaine in your hair." I point out and move to brush it out of the soft curls on his head. I feel the first line going down my neck as I touch his hair and smile.

"Why are you smiling like that?" he asks, and I pull my hand back so I can take the plate from him.

"I felt it down my neck."

We leave the staff room five minutes later, and I wonder whether he'll show up to a seminar next week or if he didn't even genuinely listen to what I told him.

I guess we'll see whether he passes or not in June.

***

We end up at Matteo's apartment after the club closed at 4am, and I wouldn't have come if Isabella and Raisa hadn't insisted. I talked to Isaac in the club but it wasn't enough to convince me he's worth the effort. I've been saying that I want a friends with benefits ever since I broke up with Jamie, and yet I haven't had sex with anyone else.

At first it was about body image and my own confidence, but now I feel confident and still don't want to make the first step with Isaac.

"Who says you have to make the first step?" Isabella asks me when I tell her exactly what I'm thinking as we stand outside on the balcony, looking over the city.

I love looking out into the city at night and seeing the high-rise buildings I would only see in movies as a child. I always thought they were from another world when I would look at the communist-style building blocks in my neighborhood in Moscow.

"Well, he isn't doing anything right now."

"Maybe he didn't see you."

"He saw me."

And of course, as if he had heard us, Isaac appears in my line of vision holding something between his fingers. When he's close enough, I can see it's a small pink pill.

"Share?" he simply asks, and Isabella and I exchange looks.

"What is it?"

"Ecstasy."

I look at the pill with the skull imprinted on it before I look it up on my phone. After checking that it's legit, Isabella and I decide to each take one quarter and have Isaac take the rest. Then Isabella pretends she's being called by someone and makes herself disappear.

"That was very subtle." Isaac smirks, switching to Russian.

"How so?"

He didn't expect me to reply so quickly because he looks confused, but quickly gets a grip over himself.

"Where do you study?"

Ah, the classic.

"Hamilton College near Utica."

"You're not from the city?" he asks, looking disappointed. And maybe a little cute.

"I'm from Russia."

Isaac laughs at that, even though I didn't really mean for it to be funny, but I smile at his good energy. Okay, maybe Isabella was right. He's nice to look at and easy to be around.

"And what do you study?"

"Psychology and a minor in Economics."

He raises his eyebrows. "Can you tell what I'm thinking?"

I tilt my head and look into his eyes. His pupils are already dilated, and I wonder if mine are too, but there's no way it only took five minutes for the pill to take effect.

"I think you're asking yourself if you look high."

He looks pleasantly shocked. "I was literally thinking that, I swear."

"I know, I believe you." I say, feeling a small rush of warmth go through my body.

This is going to be fun.

----

I feel like this is the first chapter where the plot really starts, idkkk

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Hope you had a good Christmas, can't wait for 2023! See you tomorrow!

xoxo,

Ronnie