Chapter 2 To be or not to be

After training, she took a long shower. She felt tired, and although she knew she wasn't going to hurt now, she was sure she would feel it tomorrow morning. Don was already busy in the kitchen, and surprisingly, he was in a chirpy mood despite the early hour.

“That is what you get for joining the men’s workforce.” He was whistling a tune while busying himself with the potato broth in front of him.

“You are way too friendly for an old chap waiting for his daughter to come home.”

Don ignored her last statement and just carried on with setting the table.  “So I take it your old fella is the only one going to the dance on Friday.

“I might be going.”

There was a long pause.  “Oh? A frown emerged on his forehead.  “Josh the reason for your change of heart?”

She combed her fingers through her damp hair.  “It is not that I had a change of heart,  it is just the possibility that something might happen on one of our missions and it feels like I have not experienced life at all.”

“It is normal to feel left out when it comes to love. Love is something we all should experience, even the heartbreak that comes with it.  It makes us appreciate it more when you stumble onto something real.”

“So you do not approve of Josh?” She smiled, she knew that Don always kept a close eye when Josh came to visit, and with good reason.

“I am not disapproving; I am just questioning his tactics sometimes.  In battle he is a fine young man, in conquering young girls' hearts I do not always find his intentions trustworthy.  That does not make him a bad person, I believe he will be clear-headed once he finds what he is looking for.  Otherwise, he just likes the chase or attention for that matter.”

“I sometimes feel like we share something special, but I would not know unless I have tried for myself.  This could also go the other way, I might not feel the same once we take a step in another direction.”

“I can’t give you more advice, unfortunately.  I was married once and I was a terrible husband.  I was constantly busy and although she tried, I think the loneliness just got too much.  Thinking about it the little time we spent together she did try to voice her feelings and the emptiness of not being a family or having a child to comfort her.”

“So you are taking a second chance with Hellen?” She winked.  “Don’t you dare try to deny your singing and dancing earlier?  Poor Hellen does not know what she is in for.”

“Hellen is probably too good for the likes of me.” His grey eyes drifted to the window.

“Would you believe that he told me that he is going to send over a dress?  Could you imagine me putting on a dress and behaving all proper?”

Don laughed out loud.  “To tell you the truth, the thought has crossed my mind.  But believe me, I would not change a thing about you.”

Hours after she lay in bed thinking about her life in general.  How amazing it must have been living in times when technology was easy.  If you needed to hear someone’s voice you could call.  You could drive around not worrying that you might get robbed or killed along the way.  It is funny how war and greed change a person, how people don’t just take what they need but take everything they can if given the choice.  She has seen and heard about people who were starving because supplies were stolen on the way.  Families in secluded areas were murdered for their food or homes.  The one thing she did enjoy was the way that like-minded people worked together.  No matter how silly she thought the sowing and knitting were, the daily tasks the women did served a purpose. 

She has always admired Josh.  Except for his after-hour rendezvous, she had respect for him as a soldier and comrade.  With every mission, his priority has always been the group’s safety.  Countless times he has risked his life to go back in the line of fire to save a life.  Josh has always been friendly, and helpful, he had a carefree personality and his smile matched this perfectly.  People have always just been drawn to him.  Maybe the women in town just interpreted this wrong, she could see how she might have made that same mistake.

She had just returned from her morning jog.  Her muscles were complaining with every move she made, but it got better after she warmed up.  She could hear Don’s voice as she finished showering.

“I thought that that boy might have given up.” He passed a parcel to her as she entered the kitchen.

There was a huge red bow tied to the box.  “I wonder what this could be?” She felt giddy and knew she could not hide her excitement.

“Go put it on, I want to see what my daughter looks like in a dress.”

She was dressed in a midnight blue dress and her black hair lay loose over her shoulders. The color accentuated her grey-blue eyes, making them appear darker. She looked stunning in the plain off-shoulder dress that hugged her curves in all the right places.

It seemed like Don was wiping a tear as he looked at her.  “Beautiful.”

Gone was the light-hearted atmosphere, instead, she knew that Don had now realized that she had grown up.  That one day she would have to leave home, that this home would not be theirs anymore.

It was just after seven when there was a light knock on the door.  Don opened up and Josh entered, he was dressed in a suit and his hair combed back.  The moment their eyes met there was something different in the air.  She could see it the way he stared at her.

Her hair was hanging in loose locks around her face.  She had borrowed an eye pencil from Hellen earlier who helped her get dressed.

Josh smiled.  “You look beautiful, I mean you have always been beautiful.”

“Come now don’t let this dress make you feel intimidated.”

“Very funny, you are taking full advantage of my disadvantage.”

“Ready to go?”

“More than.” He smiled at her and took her hand.

By the door, she gave Don a quick hug and left for the dance.  The town hall was close by and most people in town walked to where they wanted to go except for the odd bicycle here and there. 

He let her hand go as they reached the front entrance gate.  He seemed unsure to retake it as he closed the gate behind him.

“Is this going to be our new normal?"?”

He smiled uncomfortably. "Please give me time to adjust to, well you." He turned towards her but just as quickly turned back to continue walking.

“Funny, the power of a dress and makeup?”

“It is not just the dress Keira and you know it.  This changed you from someone who trained with me, who fights with you to a delicate flower.  Don’t get me wrong, I know you are not a delicate flower.  This reminds me that you are a woman.”

“I have always been a woman.” She smirked.  “If this makes you uncomfortable, I can always go and change.”

“And miss Dorothy’s face when you walk in with me?  No chance.”

“Dorothy will be shooting daggers if she sees me with you.”  For a moment she felt insecure, she did not like attention.  It has been like this her whole life.  At least that would explain her trying to survive in a man’s world.  She was seen as one of the men, a thought struck her was she scared of love?

She looked ahead at the town hall that lay in front of them, her nerves were getting the best of her.  This was the first time that she came to any of the events that their town had to offer, also she had Josh next to her.  She will be making a lot of enemies tonight.

“Whenever you feel uneasy just squeeze my hand.” Josh smiled and his dimples emerged.  For a second or two their eyes met, and his eyes lingered on her lips. 

This is Josh, Josh whom she trained with—the guy who pushed her during training, who saw her at her worst.  But tonight, he was not the goofy guy from the Eagles tribe, he was not her leader, he was whatever she had concocted in her brain what a lead in a stormy love story would portray. 

He took her hand.  “Just in case you would like to run from me.”

She scowled herself, usually in this case she would have pushed him away or made a snarky remark.  She should be herself she decided, just to make certain if Josh decided that this whole night was a mockery, she could escape unfazed.

The Hall was bubbly, and soft music was playing in the background.  Their town hall was rebuilt with whatever they could salvage from towns nearby.  This was the only place people could get together and break away from the hardships of everyday life.  She could feel the weight of stares when she walked into the overcrowded space. 

“You have been quiet.” He squeezed her hand tighter.  “Focus on me.”

“Easy for you to say, I do not have a swarm of ladies shooting all kinds of needless at me.”

Why does every move he makes tonight have such an impact on her?

“Time to knit then.” He smiled.  “I tell you what, I can see this is overwhelming for you.  You go out and wait out on the terrace, I will quickly do the rounds of greeting everyone.  When I am finished, I will come outside and join you with something to drink?”

She welcomed the escape.  Was this what the woman in Josh’s life had to experience?  Was she ready for the hysteria every time he entered the room? This is more her she thought as she looked from the outside back to where everyone is gathered.  Her eyes followed him as he graced everyone with his presence.  From the sweet smiles from the women, the almost unnoticeable touching his shoulder or just looking his way wishing to make eye contact.  It was as if no one was taking him bringing someone along seriously.  She turned around to rather look at the garden.  With her absolutely no experience in love her brain has somehow convinced her that this would be a fireworks show, an utterly eye batting romantic once-in-a-lifetime Josh romance event. She laughed at herself, at how bad she was at this.   

She jumped as his hand touched her back.  “Now I can pinch myself that you are here with me.” She turned around to face him.

“What is the meaning of you bringing me along?”  She was surprised at how irritated she sounded.

“Right off the bat.” He habitually pushed his hair to the back.  “But you do deserve an answer.”

“Is this as uncomfortable for you as for me? She smiled.

For a moment he just stared at her.  He quickly recovered.  “For a while now I have been struggling with the thought of being in a relationship.” He exhaled deeply. “This started when I met you.  From that very first day I saw you I was struck by your whit your sense of independence and your beauty.  I have never thought about marriage as I did not think that a man should be tied down to one woman.  That was my thought initially and I woke up one morning and I knew something had changed drastically.”

“You know you met me five years ago?”

“I know, I have only recently made peace with whatever my brain tried to convince me.  I am most probably not the type of person you should get involved with.” He smiled wickedly.  “I am entangled so deep that by the time I noticed to turn back, it was too late.  I have never once felt insecure or stumbled for words or felt my heartbeat quicken at any amount of flattery, but you would give me half a look and I could feel my resistance crumble.  So do you understand now Keira?”

“I am flattered I think?” She evaded eye contact as much as she could because she did not want to cloud her judgment.

He laughed in unbelief.  "I sense that this is how you drag the truth out of me. Keira, I want to be honest with you and tell you that every fiber of my being desires to be close to you. It's driving me crazy to be away from you. However, I respect and value our friendship too much to risk it all just to fulfill my desires. I need you to decide if this is what you truly want. I don't want to make any moves that could potentially damage our relationship, the one that I confide in and trust so deeply. If anything were to happen that would put that in jeopardy, I would never forgive myself."

She didn't avoid his gaze this time. Slowly, she extended her hand and traced the outline of his cheek, sending a shiver down her spine. His eyes began to darken, but he didn't move; she understood that he wanted her to choose him willingly. She then trailed her hand down to the back of his neck.

“Keira you are playing with fire.” It was a whisper but also a plea.

She fixed her eyes on him and held his gaze, determined to close the distance between them. She could sense his body tensing under her fingertips as she slowly pulled him closer, her heart racing with excitement. With each step she took, the gap between them seemed to shrink, until she was standing on her tiptoes and their bodies were almost touching. The anticipation was almost too much to bear, but she couldn't resist the urge to close the remaining distance between them.  It was only when their lips touched that his hands instinctively grabbed her waist and pushed her hard against him.  His face was buried in her neck his breath loud in her ears as he trailed her neck in kisses. 

She was suddenly very aware of where they were and wriggled free.  Her heartbeat banging loudly in her ears.

“Josh!” Dorothy’s voice interrupted any tension that might have lingered in the air.

Josh's face was filled with disappointment as he gazed at Dorothy. “Yes, Dorothy?”

“I need to speak to you.” She smiled sweetly.

“I am in the middle of something as you can see.”

Dorothy looked at her in disgust, walked up to Josh and ever so slightly brushed Josh’s arm with her fingertip.  “I will see you later.”

Before anyone could respond she had left.

“Is there any reason that there might be unfinished business between you and Dorothy?”

“You know me better than anyone, and also that I have never hid anything from you.  Could we forget about Dorothy and speak about what had happened before we got rudely interrupted?  Because I really want to rather speak about that.”

As she closed her eyes and let out a shudder, she could still feel the warmth of his breath on her neck. It was there that his lips had left a trail of kisses, each one sending shivers down her spine.

 A moment of silence passed before he spoke, his voice low and measured. "I think we can both agree that there are a lot of things that we still have to settle between us," he said, his words hanging heavy in the air.

She knew that he was right. There were unresolved issues that had been simmering beneath the surface for far too long, and they needed to be addressed.  She started smiling.  “Well, that left some uhm, lingering feelings.”

“I would have lost my bloody mind if you didn’t pull away.”

“It seems it is a thing with you, I do not want to disrespect you in any way but because I know mostly what your after-hour activities are it is difficult to know or think clearly at this stage.”

He gently reached out to tuck strands of hair behind her ear. He was so careful and hesitant with her that she felt guilty because she knew he trusted her with everything she was questioning now. He didn't always reveal his thoughts, but she understood him well enough to know. That was how close they were.  She did not want to start something off with distrust and fear.

“I understand your concern but this is also new to me, I can’t promise that I will change overnight.  But I can tell you that I want to, I want to change for you.  Mostly because I know that I won't be satisfied otherwise, I am not just talking about the physical stuff if you were wondering.”

“I think it best that for now we put a halt on well exploring this until we are sure of what we both want.  I am not sure if I like the attention that I am getting from you pursuing me.  I also don’t think I will feel comfortable seeing you secretly.  I suggest that you go on about what you do.” She smirked.  It pained her to tell him this, but she had to be certain that when he chose her nothing would cloud his judgment. 

“What are you implying?”

“I am just saying that before you close a book, you have to be sure before you open another.  Some of the ladies who are present tonight think that there is still a chance at a future.  I am not just talking about Dorothy who is oblivious of the fact that you have anyone else that you are interested in.”

“Are you telling me to see other women, wait are you rejecting me?” He fidgeted with his hands.  “I am telling you I want to pursue you, I tell you that I may be in love with you.  You kissed me?”

“And I do not know what you tell other women that you are with?  I know you have seen a couple last week, but I want you to be certain.” She paused; she knew he was starting to get irritated.  “You may be in love with me, but half the town’s women feel that way about you.  If you feel this way about me, show me.  Words are easy, and I know you are pretty clever when it comes to saying the right thing.  I don’t want to be a fleeting romance you once had, yes I am dramatic like that.”

“The fact that you are suggesting something like this means that you don’t know me.  I thought you knew when I was serious, and you are nothing like a fleeting romance.  I take everything about you seriously.  I have told you everything tonight, not once did you even mention that you felt the same.  The fact that I have never tried anything with you was because you are that important to me Keira.”

With that, the moment had passed, robbing her of the light-hearted and romantic experience she had hoped for. “This is not fair Josh.  What you are doing and expecting of me is not right.”

“What am I expecting from you?  I did not ask you anything, I told you how I felt and I see now it is too much for you.  Well, good that just gave me a taste of what to expect in the future.  I think we should maybe close this book, at least I got it out of my system.”

She wanted to tell him that she was scared of getting hurt, that getting things out of his system would make more space for her in his heart.  That he is the only man that she ever desired and has seen glimpses of a future with.  She knew now that things steered them in a whole new direction and she didn’t like where it was heading.