Chapter 8

CIANA

A figure of a woman with full make up wearing different colors of body con dress, is the image I can recall about my biological mom. I see her drink, smoke and bring random men almost every night. I was five back then and I don’t understand things that much. She laughs with them, but never with me. I can’t even remember if we had a conversation. 

I thought it's what mothers normally do, but when I see the outside world, I realize it's not. My mother is not one of those typical parents and she does not have a single man for her life.

She ignores me all the time and leaves me in the house of a random neighbor. I never feel her hands touching me nor hear her voice saying my name.

This woman, looking at me in the eyes, looks different, but I know it is her. Her bare face with traces of her aging self looks like time has changed her so much. The black business suit she is wearing is telling me that she found a decent job. I look at her hand protectively holding the kid. She found a family too and I am no longer part of it. Well, maybe I was never part.

There are so many questions running in my head but I can’t seem to find the right one to start. My chest is starting to ache, the moment her eyes become watery.

“Ciana.” She recognizes me and she speaks my name for the very first time. I don’t know what I should feel. My mouth is slightly opening but I can’t make a sound, so I remain silent. 

For many years, I never tried searching for her because she left me in that orphanage. Of all the places, I never thought that she could be here. The world is indeed small and fate is playful.

A single step backwards, stops her from hugging me. She looks in pain but I hope she can see how much I am pained too. A bitter smile curves from her lips and brings her son in front of her.

“He’s Shawn, your brother,” she says. The innocent eyes of my brother meets mine so I force a smile at him. I bet he will suffer from teasing too just like I did. A child of a slut, they say.

“Shawn, she is your bigger sister, Ciana,” she continues. I raise my head a bit higher to avoid myself from crying in front of her. A man arrives and looks at us. 

“You didn’t order yet?” He asks my mom and I jump to the conclusion that he is her husband. Their rings match perfectly and they look like a complete family together.

“Hon, it’s Ciana.” She says and I feel heavy in my stomach. I badly want to say something but I can’t speak. My mouth is hesitating to spill the words.

The man smiles at me. He looks like a decent man. Stretching his hand, my body trembled.

“You must be her daughter.” I accept his handshake.

“Excuse me, we are in a hurry.” Airo pulls my right hand. He is dragging me out of the situation.

“Wait!” My mother tries to stop him but she fails.

He pulls me in his car and plays the music. It blasted loud, when the car was shut. 

“Your ice cream,” he says and give me the other one he has. The car races fast and all I do is stare at the pink ice cream. Gripping harder, the cone broke and my tears escaped from my eyes. The ice cream spills on my lap just as my tears fall from my cheeks.

The way she holds my brother. She never did that to me, never once. The car stops.

“Hey.”

“S-Sorry. I will clean it.” I say. My shaking hands rifles inside my satchel. I pull some tissue to wipe them off while I rub my tears harassingly. I keep my head down to hide my face from him.

“Do you need---”

“It’s fine. I’m fine.” I look at him abruptly and then open the car. “Thank you for pulling me out from there.” I step out and close the door. Without looking at him, I walked as fast as I could.

“Wait.” My feet stopped but I swiftly decided to just go on.

I shut my room’s door and rested my back on it. Breathing deeply, I feel a bit calm. The picture of her in that ice cream parlor is still vividly printed on my head.

Somebody knocked and it made me gasp. 

“Please Airo--”

“It’s me.” A woman’s voice cuts me off and I almost forget to breathe. “Open the door, please.”

“I can’t.” My eyes closed tightly as I rest my head against the door and slides down to sit on the floor.

“We need to talk,” she says.

“How did you know that I’m here?” I ask.

“I followed you.”

“Just go. We don’t have to talk. There’s no need. You left me, right? Since that day, I am not part of your life anymore. You never treated me as your child. I am just a mistake by some random guy you slept with. Now, just leave me alone.” I burst into tears. To avoid making a sound, I cover my mouth.

“I searched for you and your other siblings. I never gave up. My regrets pushed me far but I failed. I am so happy I get to see you again, Ciana. I’m so sorry for everything.” I hear her footsteps fading away. I remove my hands covering my mouth. 

The pain, I cannot hide it. Tonight, I let my tears flood on me and forget about going to work. My body is too weak to do something else but let all this pain out. I wanna let it flood away with my tears. Even though I know it's not that easy to get rid of it, I'm hoping that one day I will wake up not feeling any of this pain again.