Chapter 3: No sense

~Rubel~

Doesn't it feel horrible when you want to scream your lungs out from the top of a building to release your pain? But you have to sit in the bathroom stuffing your mouth with a piece of cloth to control your sobs so that nobody can hear your painful whimpers.

That was not the first time my heart broke like this. It happened in the final year of my college when I caught my boyfriend going after my roommate. And before that, it happened in my senior year of school. And now this, all the memories were waiting to flood back in my mind.

After crying for like twenty minutes, I came out of the stall and looked at myself in the mirror. I was looking like a mess. All that fucking mascara and eyeliner mixed up made my eyes look like a member of Adam’s Family.

I took off my glasses and put them aside.

Am I seriously that ugly? No, I think I am an average-looking girl.

Am I used to smothering them with my care? Because I remember Marcus once told me, I fuss over him like a mother. Is that good or bad? But caring is a part of love. Isn't it?

All these thoughts somehow shook my confidence, but I planned to stand firm.

People say don't let others disturb your inner peace. But how the hell am I supposed to stop this when none of them stop hurting me like this?

My fucking inner piece went down the toilet drain.

They used me. Did they...?

Or did I allow them to use me?

One more time, the thoughts in my mind started batting inside me. I splash the water on my face, trying to see my pure self without this makeup.

I have an oval-shaped face, with green eyes. I knew girls crave eyes like mine, but it seems like I just have eyes without any magic in them.

Suddenly the door opened wide as Anna entered and looked at me.

"Are you all right?"

She had seen me in this state so many times, and I know her sympathetic words were emptied already.

I gave her a thin smile, wiping my face roughly with the napkin. "Let's get a drink."

She held my hand, trying to read my eyes behind my glasses.

"I am fine, babe. It's not the first time."

"But, I want you to ask that swine why he showed you the stars, then gifted the moon to his bitch."

I chuckled, looking at her blown nostrils, which never complimented her face.

"His bitch must be better than me. That's why she deserves the moon. And don't flare your nose with anger. It looks like a clown nose." I hugged her with a forced snicker.

"I want to kick his ass."

"Me too."

"Forget him. Let's try some hardcore drinks, celebrating one more failed relationship."

We left that particular hall from where the celebration of Marcus and his new bride echoed, and came to the open pool area where the music was loud, and I needed it. I needed to shut my inner voice with the outer-booming sound.

We ordered our respective drinks, one after another. I guzzled a whole bottle without side snacks. Not too surprised, Anna didn't stop me. She knew I had become like overblown balloons who were ready to burst into an emotional fit of explosions.

"Let's go home," she muttered, pretty my dizzy head.

"Why? I want to dance. Come, let's go on the dance floor."

I pulled her on the floor and started to dance like a madwoman, releasing my hair and throwing my sandals away.

Shaking my ass, I laughed. "You were right. I should wear a short dress. I am feeling hot."

Anna knew it was high time for me to be in bed when she saw me stagger.

"Why am I feeling everything is shaking? Ann... I think I am about to vomit," I declared.

She dragged me from the floor towards the nearest restroom.

"No, no, Rubel, this is not a good time."

We banged on the door.

"Open the door!"

"It's busy," rumbled the voice from the other side.

"Open this fucking door, you bitch," I screamed, controlling my cramps.

Anna looked for another door, asking the server while I was continuously banning the door. I just don't know why I like to annoy people when I am pissed off about something.

Suddenly the door opened and the girl gave me her angry look,

"What? Don't you have anywhere else to go?"

Before I could speak, I saw the same guy coming from her end to whom I bumped a few moments back. He scanned me again.

What the heck were they doing together in this small room? Making out?

"Move..." I screamed.

I emptied my stomach, closing the door behind my back. It was heavy, like seriously, shook my core.

I could hear the girl blasted on Anna. "I don't understand why you girls drink so much when you don't know how to handle it?"

"I am sorry. She is not herself right now," Anna tried to explain.

I washed my face and came out with a dizzy head. That bitch was still screaming at my friend.

"I am sorry," poor Anna, saying sorry on my behalf.

"Here she comes, drunken waste."

Did she call me a drunken waste?

I dashed towards her.

"What the hell did you just say?"

"Yes, you heard it right. Why do you drink when you don't know how to handle it?"

I shot an angry peer towards that stranger who was standing, quietly looking at us. I smiled devilishly. "Why don't you tell your boyfriend to get a room? Is the bathroom the place for making out?"

Well, my voice was bold, loud, and clear. Everyone stopped in the hallway, looking at our catfight.

"Oh, my God." She tries to be a delicate doll, asking for support from her boyfriend. "Babe, just look at these losers."

I was already pissed off at that blonde girl with Marcus, and this bitch has the same vibes.

Oh, God. Today I hate all blondes.

I wanted to kill her. not just once, but many times. I jumped on her with all my anger.

Ann grabbed my hand, and she was screaming for help.

"I will tell you what a loser can do!"

Pissed off, annoyed, and angry. I wanted to rip this woman's world apart.

Ann pulled me back and the man took the delicate doll to another side.

"What happened to you?" Ann scolded me.

"Nothing. I am sorry. I just hate her hair," I replied.

"Did you? Because I think you want to scratch her face and rip her clothes." She laughed out loud.

I was shocked looking at her.

"I have never seen Rubel Johnson getting wild like this. Babe, you made me happy."

She was laughing madly, even though I was embarrassed by my actions. I am a peace-loving person, who never fought or took a stand for herself. Today I think I broke that part of me.

Now the second wave of my emotions came crashing down. Anna sat me down and forced me to eat something to settle my cramps. I soon started drinking again.

It was the middle of the night, the time when you felt alone when Anna spoke up. "Do you want to go home?”

I shook my head, stirring my martini.

"How long are you going to sit here?"

"Until my last breath," I replied with teary eyes.

"Babe, this is the scariest part of you."

Anna knew the child inside me was ready to burst into tears.

"I want to wait for him to come and tell me: Rubel, it was all a lie. I love you and only you," I stated.

"Babe."

I put up my hand to stop her. "I know I am not worth it. I am nothing compared to her."

"It's not like that. He was a swine who didn't understand your value." Ann, declaring her words, but I was talking to myself.

"I should turn gay. At least, you will love me, won’t you?"

Ann backed herself quietly, listening to my crying sermons.

"I am tired of everything in my life. I have a good job, but every weekend I used to come to you. I am..."

I rolled my eyes and shut my mouth.

"Either it's me with N*****x, or me with you. I have stopped watching sexy movies. ask me why?"

She pressed her lips, shook her head. "Tell me, why?"

"Because..."

Before I could answer, the same blonde headed out of the hotel, yelling at the poor stranger.

"Lucky girl. She had the choice to leave him."

I rested my head on my palm as the world was still spinning in front of me.

"I am coming back in two minutes." Ann excused herself for the restroom.

She left and there I saw Marcus kissing his would-be bride, waving his hand to all his friends.

Did I feel the pain?

No, the sea of pain bubbled inside me. But I felt numb.

I was too tired with everything, and there I saw a solution to end everything.

Without giving a second thought, I jumped into the pool.

***