Chapter two.

DIANA 

How long must a house burn before it becomes ashes and smoke?  

It’s been 3 weeks, 2 days and 4hours since he left me. And I am still burning, still hurting – an end no where in sight. 

And it’s been exactly 3 weeks, 2days and 4hours since I left my apartment, I have now become a stranger to sunlight. It’s been a mixture of fear and despair with a sprinkle of depression – I have never experienced such anguish for all the 26 years I have lived. 

It still feels so unreal. 

Ive sent him voice notes every day since he left, begging and pleading for him to come back; voice notes that almost always ended in a hysterical emotional breakdown that lasts for hours-I’m used to it now. 

It’s now part of my daily routine, along with wailing anytime I see something that reminds me of us, which is practically everything in my apartment.

Every where I look I see him, I remember every moment we spent together on the couch, the nights we spent making love – he was my first, in every sense of the word. 

He was the first man to ever have me in such a way, the only man I ever wanted to have me… the only love I’ve ever known. 

Where did I go wrong? What did I not do? 

I gave all of me and more, just to make him happy. I risked my life for him. 

And yet, he left. 

Why wouldn’t he? I mean look at me! I’m a monster! An eyesore! 

It’s been exactly 3 weeks, 2 days and 3 hours since I saw my reflection. I don’t ever want to see it again. It repulses me. 

I close my eyes when I shower so I don’t have to look at it. But no matter how hard I scrub and bleed, it doesn’t go away. 

It still feels so unreal. Like he’s going to show up any moment with a bouquet of tulips and chocolates, saying how much he missed me, and we’d have the best sex- that was how he was. This is nothing new. 

He would come back. He’s done this before, ghost for a couple of weeks then reappears and showers me with so much love. 

That’s the man I love. The man I want to spend the rest of my life with. 

The door bell rings, and for the first time in weeks, I’m filled with hope. I jump out of bed and sprint to the door. 

I knew he’d come back to me, I knew he loved- 

Something in me died when I opened the door. My heart broke into a million pieces once more. I forced a small smile 

“were you expecting someone else?” Lilly frowned as she made her way to the couch 

“Yes I was” I quickly wipe the tears threatening to escape from my eyes, and sit on the other side of the couch. 

“Why are you doing this to yourself? Look at you Dee! You’ve been holed up in this apartment for weeks, probably crying everyday and he’s definitely out there, screwing another woman –“

“Don’t. Don’t you even go there.” I could not bear the thought of him loving and fucking another woman that wasn’t me. 

Is that another reason he left? Did he find someone else? Someone more beautiful? Less problematic? Someone way better in bed ? 

“Just let him go already and move on with your life. Stop wasting your days crying over him” 

I should just let go ? 

Just let go?

Did she think it was that easy ??

How do I let go of everything we have been through? 

All the plans we made together 

All the promises he made to me

“5 whole years. And I should just let go? We were so in love Lilly, there must be something he’s going through, something he’s not telling me. Maybe he just needs his space, maybe he- “ 

“You have to stop doing this to yourself and accept it Dee. If that man truly loved you, he would never have left you. For fuck sakes you almost died for him, and he still left you! What makes you think he’d come back? Especially now that you look – “ she paused, like she realized what was about to burst out of her mouth 

“ now that I look like a monster.” I place my face in my palms and breakdown again, for what seemed to be the hundredth time today. 

“You’re not a monster Dee, he is. One day I hope you realize that.” She held me as I sobbed. What I would have done without her, I can’t even imagine. She is my rock, literally my life support at this point. 

“How can I possibly let go of him Lilly? He was everything to me. I planned my whole life around him, how do I just let go? I don’t…” my voice broke into an uncontrollable sob. I felt her embrace get tighter 

“You just need to give yourself time Dee, and one day, you won’t feel anything for him anymore. Nothing” 

I didn’t believe her. 

And if she felt what I was feeling now, she wouldn’t believe herself either. 

It hurts too much. Like my heart has been stabbed over and over and over again, and my soul has torn apart, left on the cold floor to bleed out, suffer and die. 

“Cmon now, stop crying. Let’s go out for dinner-“

I opened my mouth to resist “-No buts. You’re going.” She said with a smile there was a mischievous twinkle in her eyes, one that I know all too well.

Before I could even blink she drags me from the couch straight to the bedroom, and pushes me on the bed 

“I’m your prisoner, I don’t really have a choice” I resign to my fate and then she begins to rummage through my closet. 

“I can’t wear anything there.” 

“But why? They all look so beautiful and-“ then she realized. 

All the clothes I had would show my scars one way or another. I would be doing the masses a favor by staying indoors. 

“I’m sure there’s something here that would work-“ she said focused on digging through my clothes “viola!” 

She managed to find a brown turtleneck with black suit pants. 

“It’s not my best work, but it’ll do” she shrugged

After getting dressed, we enter the elevator, and for the first time in weeks, I saw myself. I was a mess. 

My eyes sank and were rimmed with dark circles, the bags underneath them were prominent. 

My face was the only part of my body that was spared. I didn’t feel any disgust, maybe because every other part of my body was covered. 

The flames do not consume everything- They leave you with an everlasting reminder of their touch. 

When we got to the restaurant, as we were about to enter, I paused – I should have just stayed home. 

“Whats wrong?” Lilly asked concerned 

“I can’t believe she’s here.” 

“Who?” 

“Natalie, the office bitch; she’ll give me an earful.” I rolled my eyes. 

“Just act like she isn’t here alright? we’re here to have a good time, not be frustrated by bitches” Lilly snickered. 

I chuckled and we walked into the restaurant, and then I saw it. 

Time seemed to slow down at that point; and all I could se

e was Kevin kissing Natalie passionately with his hand on her baby bump.