TiaraThe realization hits me hard as I study his features studying mine.I don’t know when or how it happened but he has come to mean a whole lot to me and this six days I’ve had with him are probably the best days of my life. Maybe I loved him before he showed up at my doorstep, maybe I loved him in freshman year while we were still friends, maybe it’s the time we spent here, together in Ocean City that did the trick but I’ve come to love Ryan in a way that might just turn out disadvantageous to me.“Tee?”I blink. “What?”“What’s going on in that head of yours?”“Nothing.”His eyes roam my face. “It’s not nothing,” he reaches out to smoothen the crease on my brows I didn’t even know was there, the movement bringing him closer, “tell me what’s getting you all worked up.”I shrug. “It’s a question.”His gaze holds mine, his thumb caressing my cheek, “Ask me.”The question rolls in my head, a question I’ve been asking myself for the past two days. It feels final even when I say it, li
Ryan Her eyes dart around as I wrap her shawl around her shoulders.“I can’t believe we did that,” she whispers, eyes on the floor, cheeks a crimson red.I’m holding back a laugh. “You were not so shy hours ago when you –”Her elbow smacks against my stomach, “Shut up.”I laugh as she turns redder, “It’s not even bright yet,” I gesture around the semi-dark beach, streaked by the faint lights of dawn, “I’m sure no one saw us,” then because her after-sex glow is absolutely adorable, I add, “unfortunately.”Her eyes shoot up sharply and she would’ve hit me again if I didn’t lean down and kiss her lips, slowly, letting her know my intentions for later.She is breathless when I pull back and I love that I can bring that emotion out of her. “I’m just going to head to Jackson’s for a minute, I’ll catch up with you in the suite. Okay?”Her forehead bobbles against mine as she nods, “Okay,” she sighs and step back. Then as though a light bulb switches on in her head, she snaps her
RyanI push her away, gentler than I’m supposed to, because her words should be straight out banned from the fucking dictionary.“What the fuck, Ciara!?!”“Ryan—”“No, fucking let go, what the fuck??”She staggers back to me, “What do you want me to say?”“That this is some kind of twisted joke! I need you to say it!”“I can not.” She stresses on the words.“We’ve not been together in like what—”“But we were together,” her voice is placating, “that one time.”“It was one time, and we were dead drunk!”“That’s usually all it takes.”I stare her down, taking in her slender form. “You can’t possibly be . . .” I think back, “two months pregnant?”She shrugs, “Look at me, Ryan, do you think I’m gonna show?”Frankly I don’t know.My hand rakes through my hair in frustration. I need to sit. I need to think. I plop on one of the chairs, designed for the guests. There wouldn’t be any guest needed anymore, anyway. She is canceling the wedding. Because she is having my baby. Oh
TiaraI know it.Seeing Ciara in her messy-girl outfit with the wild look in her eyes, I know something is wrong.I don’t have to take in the confused expression on Ryan’s face to confirm what I already feel.They are standing in the middle of the aisle, close to the make-shift alter and I walk up to them, hoping against all odds that the word ‘wrong’ has a different context to them than it has to me.“What’s going on, Ryan?”Ryan yanks his hand away from Ciara’s touch, meeting me halfway, “Tee—”“We were just talking about you, sis,” Ciara drawls.Ryan glares at her, “Shut up,” to me he says, “we need to talk.”She chortles, “We’ve already had the talk, babe.”Babe?“Do you guys maybe want to this. . .” I gesture behind me to where a handful of people are standing, “somewhere else?”“This is the perfect place, Tee,” Ciara looks smug, too smug and I can feel a tightening around my throat, “I was just telling Ryan about the deal with Thomas.”“Um…” her deal or my deal? I have to be sur
RyanI need to think.Or not.Ciara is still with me as I make my way back into the suite and I whirl at her before she crosses the doorway. “What are you doing?”She gives me an obvious shrug, “Staying with you?”“Cut it out.”“Babe what are you—”“Oh my fucking god, Ciara, cut it out,” my nerves are raw, and I’m too pissed from everything that just happened to try and be a gentleman to my ex, who just turned my world upside down, “you do realize that this doesn’t mean we are together right?”She blinks. “What? You just said –”“I didn’t say anything back there.”“Well,” she throws her hands, “You didn’t stop me either.”“It doesn’t matter,” I need a fucking break! “I didn’t say anything because I didn’t have it in me to. We are going to find a way to compromise, because of the baby. I can’t turn back on an innocent child,” the ultra sound sheets are still burning a hole in my pocket, “this is about me and you and our child, not you. So don’t think for a second I’m getting back with
Tiara“I guess you were right,” Melody plops on my bed, “Danny is gay.”I grump into my pillows.“Taylor really was a guy’s name,” she ponders.“Go figure,” I mutter.“Gurl, you’ve gotta admit – Ocean City was a blast. That was like a honeymoon experience for me and I ain’t even kidding about it.”“Well,” I raise my head just enough to look back at her, “I’m glad one of us enjoyed it.”“Oh come on, babe, you know I didn’t mean it like that.”If only she knows how much the word ‘babe’ repulses me right now.“Yeah I know,” I sink my face back down on the silky pillows, “I know.”She pulls the covers off my body, “Come on, Tee, you’ve got to get up.”“Why?”I don’t have to turn around to see her obvious shrug, “Because it’s been a week,” she turns me over so I am staring up at her, “Listen, If it’s meant to be, there’s no stopping it from happening.”My head cocks to the side as I regard her, “Are you quoting me?”“I’m quoting a girl I once knew who would never spill a tear over a guy.”
TiaraThe Shelby-Lemptons scandal.That’s what they’re calling it these days. Everything that happened back at Ocean City, Maryland.I don’t mind because to be honest, they got some really good angles of me and Ryan and most people were all in for the two of us. I even get occasional motivating and condolences message from numbers I don’t recognize every now and then.And thanks to the publicity, the studio is doing really great too.So I guess not everything turned to shit after Ryan and I ended.I plop down on my couch just as my phone pings from under my butt. Scowling, I retrieve the device and peer into the screen. It’s a social media notification, with a tag on my instagram account and when I tap it open, a picture of Ryan and Ciara, strolling on the streets of New York, hand-in-hand pops up. She is in a designer outfit, her hands linked through his as they make their way through the crowd.Even after all my resolutions, the image clutches at my heart as I see the smile on her f
Tiara I’m not going to make any attempt to deceive myself that I’m moving on.I don’t think that’s how moving on works.But to be fair to myself, it’s only been two weeks and four days and I don’t think people move on that easily.It’s no surprise that Ryan didn’t reach out to me throughout those two weeks and it’s no surprise that there were no texts from my end either, that is, if you decide not to count that one sloppy text on the first week which would’ve been followed by a series of other sloppy texts if Melody hadn’t stopped me.If things are really over between us, there is no point in sinking deeper into the pathetic hole by exchanging texts that will lead nowhere.That said, I can’t be blamed for the surprise that punches me in the guts on the fifth day of the third week when a notification pops up on my phone, with a text from Ryan.It is a simple text, formal and concise; “At what time do you prefer me to pick you up?”And I stare at the phone in awe, wondering if I just h
TiaraHis words catch me by surprise and I turn to look into his eyes. The sadness in them breaks my heart. “It was all me,” he mutters, his breathing ragged, “I dragged it too long, I told myself I was doing the right thing by making sure we stayed away from each other, I told myself it was for the best. That I was staying away from you because I was angry,” he runs his hand through his hair, avoiding my gaze, “You’re right, Tiara. You were right in hiding the child from me, you’re right to run away, because I don’t—” his eyes lock with mine, “I don’t deserve you. Both of you.”What?A second ago he was angry at me, pissed that I decided to keep the news of our child away from him. And now . . . he is saying I am right?I eye him skeptically, “Are you playing some kind of game here, Ryan?”He doesn’t say anything. Just that load of pain in his features.“I think I’m going to go,” he ventures, “Give you that much needed time to think.”It is not any kind of game he is playing. You can
TiaraHe looks disheveled.His hair is tousled up like he just got out of bed and forgot to run a comb through it. His gaze is drawn yet there is another emotion there, lingering in the surface that I can’t place, bordering on anger or pain or both. His breathing is coming up in short gasps like he had just been running which is as well, because he is in a casual running attire of black joggers and a matching black running t-shirt and he is looking at me with a shocked pained expression on his features as he lets himself in.“How could you, Tee?”I swallow.I might not know what he is talking about. I am inclined to indulge in wistful thinking and tell myself that he might be here for a completely different reason. After all he knows this place from all the years he dated Ciara.But even then, I know there are only two ways he figured out my whereabouts and it is only if my mother or Melody said something to him.However, there is still a chance that he doesn’t know about the baby in
TiaraThe beach house reeks of settled dust.And the salty, tangy scent of the beach.During the springs and summers we spent here, my mother always had the cleaners in and out before we moved in so we never had to do any sort of clean up.Hell, I didn’t even know there could be so much dust down here – fine, powdery coating that settles on the surfaces and dances in sunbeams streaming through the windows I just opened.Pulling up the cleaning gears from the broom closet immediately after I drop my bag in the room assigned to Ciara and I upstairs, I set to the task of cleaning up – dusting off surfaces, airing out the rooms, and basically just shaking of the stagnation of a long absence.In a weird way, this act of dusting feels a lot like my life. Like I am dusting away all the old things – the tears, the pain, the inferiority – and letting this new phase begin. I am having a child now, a child that I’m beginning to put above everything else, a child that has come to mean the utmost
RyanThe ride to the hospital is a short one because for some reason, they chose a small, private one close to Tiara’s apartment. Because of the size of the building, it is easy to locate the hospital ward that temporarily housed Grace Lemptons even though I had to wait by the reception for intolerable minutes while the receptionist contacted the doctors for visitation permission.I am not surprised to see Ciara in the room beside her mother’s bed and Amy by her side. I am surprised however not to see Tiara on the other side of the bed.Throw that in with more than a little disappointment.How is she missing in action, the time I finally want to let her know how I really feel?Ciara’s eyes shoot up from her mother’s face. “Ryan? You got my message?”As much as I want to tell her I came here for Tiara, I think it is best that I speak to Tiara first before I talk to anyone else about my intentions. “Yes. I did,” I lie, “that’s why you left so early?”She averts her gaze and nods. “Yup.
RyanI hit the streets for a sunrise run as soon as I wake up and by the time I roll back into my apartment, Ciara is already gone.But barely.I can still smell the luxurious scent of her mist, a scent I was once in love with, lingering in the air as I make a strong cup of coffee and drown the hot liquid in one gulp.My guts keep eating at me as I reflect on my life.I’m an unhappy mess. A gloom-filled spark-less soul, a sadness that refuses to lift.No matter how much I try to block it out, Tiara’s words from last night are still stuck like a stubborn tumor in my head;“So what happens in the long run? You’re going to get married to her?”“In the long run? Very likely, yeah.”Would I marry Ciara in the long run? I try to picture it in my head.It’s not working out.I know how much I don’t want my child to be raised in a broken home like the one I grew up in, but if I let my child get raised in a home with Ciara and I co-parenting . . . I think of the exchange yesterday, I think of t
TiaraI grab my bag, shoving my phone inside it with a hurried thrust.“Are you sure about this?” Melody asks me.I nod. “Yeah.”“Tell me where you’re going to be at least.”I shrug, “I’ll tell you immediately I figure it out. I just need some time off, decide on things. I’ll figure it out and get back.”My mother was right. I can’t stay here and make any rash decisions regarding my child’s future when I just found out minutes ago. I need to be calm, I need to gather my nerves and I need to put everything in deep consideration.Melody stands to give me a hug. “Come back, okay. We can’t have you leaving New York. You’ve got everything here. So figure it all out and come back.”I can’t bring myself to tell her that I am willing to move to the end of the world and back for this baby growing inside me and not just out of New York. I love her too much to break her heart like that.“I’ll be gone for a few days,” I say instead, “weigh my options. I just don’t think I should be here, close to
TiaraI gasp, getting up.“We don’t know how old the fetus is, we have to do a scan to be sure, but in my opinion, you’re only a few weeks gone.”Oh my God. Oh no! I start pacing around the room. How the hell is this happening?I’m panicking, right here, right now. I don’t know if I want this, I sure as hell don’t want to be the other woman in my sister’s marriage. I don’t even know if –Melody’s words break through my thoughts. “We need a minute, doc.”“Of course,” the door closes behind the doctor as she leaves and Melody comes up to put her arms around me.“Congratulations, babe,” she whispers in my ears.Easier for her to say, she’s not the one carrying her sister’s boyfriend’s child.I look back at my mother, all bandaged up, with tears welling in her eyes, “Come here, Tee,” she stretches her hand to pull me in a hug.How can they be happy about this? How can they see this as a good thing? I’m not ready, I don’t think I—Oh God!“Well, we’ve got to tell Ryan about this,” my mothe
Tiara“I don’t think . . .” my mother trails off, her gaze pinging back and forth between me and the doctor, “I don’t think you got that right, she . . .”I’m still staring into space, wondering if I just fantasized the whole interaction. Not that I would want to fantasize about something like that anyway.“Tee?” Melody calls, reaching out to give me a gentle shake, “Tee?”“I. . .” shaken, I look up at the doctor, “something is . . . you’ve got to,” I shake my head, “I can’t be.”“Yeah, I mean,” Melody opens her palm in explanation, “you used protections and stuff.”I shoot her a look. “I did.”“I know. And pills work like eighty percent of the time. You took pills immediately you . . .” the back of her hand goes to her mouth as she trails of and I know what she is thinking about even before she says it. “Except that first time . . .”My mother jerks her head, “What?”The images hit me – the kiss on the yacht during the truth or dare game, then right after the truth or dare game, the
Tiara“The doctors said you’ll be fine.”Grace nods her bandaged forehead, “I know.” Her tired eyes search the room, “Where is Ciara?”I wonder if she’ll still search the room for her if she knew Ciara deemed it right for Donald to hit her, “She went to get some clothes,” I say instead, “she’ll be back in a while.”“But I’m here,” Melody announces, tramping inside the hospital room with three bars of chocolate in her hand, “and I brought snacks.”I roll my eyes at her. “I don’t think she can eat that, Mel.”“Why not?”I give her my best are-you-kidding-me look, struggling to hide my smile. “Because she is recovering.”“Oh she definitely can eat these,” she plops on a seat beside the bed, opposite me on the other side, “it’s nutritional and besides, I saw a super cute doctor downstairs who gave me the go ahead . . . and his number,” she winks.That gets my mother to chuckle, “Well, it’s a good thing I ended up in the hospital then.”“Definitely,” Melody jokes.“Right. I’ll keep that in