I looked at my phone to check the time and I was a couple of minutes late walking back to campus. I came early to meet with Luis and we went out to eat at one of the restaurants across campus. It’s Friday and the week went by slow after I left Elliot’s apartment and I’m thinking of going over tonight if I have time. Lucas invited me to a play that is being held on campus, that Andre and Genevieve will be performing, and I promised Lucas that I’ll meet him at five, but I was distracted talking with Luis. I saw Lucas walking over to the main building where we agreed to meet after I told him where I was and he smiled waving at me.“Michael!” He shouted in glee. “It’s great that you text me or I wouldn’t have found you. I thought about waiting at the bus stop since you didn’t have classes today.”“Sorry,” I said, walking over towards him. “I was distracted hanging out with a friend that I haven’t see for a while.”“That’s fine. Now, come on,” Lucas said, grabbing my hand and starting to
I held the camera in my hand feeling uncertain about what I should do when the lights started to dim down and they began the second act of the play. Lucas nudged me when they started and I raised the camera trying to take pictures, but I wasn’t sure if I was doing this right. I feel shy not wanting people to look over at me while I’m doing this, but when I glanced around everyone was watching the play and that helped calm me down. Glancing at the stage, I could see Andre performing so I took this chance to take pictures of him while he was performing and it felt like I was capturing every scene until I realized that the play finally came to an end.“You got into it in the end,” Lucas said after I took the last picture.I looked down at the camera and shrugged my shoulders not realizing that Lucas was watching me. “I just tried. Don’t the campus have their own photographer?” I asked him.“No, not right now. The person who was in charge of it transferred out and it was all a surprise be
I entered the apartment, turning on the light that was near the entrance, and set my things on the couch. It felt a bit cold being alone and I turned on the television wanting there to be some sound to occupy the empty place. Glancing around, the last time I was here was when I spent the night last weekend and we haven’t really talked so much about what we did. It did hurt me a bit, emotionally and physically, but overall it wasn’t a terrible experience since we were able to take things slow. My face felt warm as I remembered the moments when Elliot reassured me multiple times and how the feel of him was far more exhilarating. I went over to the kitchen to grab something to drink and noticed that there were some dishes left in the sink. To occupy my time, I washed the dishes then looked around trying to see what else I can do, but Elliot usually likes to keep his belongings organized compared to me and I don’t want to move anything that might upset him. I thought about the play and th
I hummed as I felt his lips again and was tender feeling them while he still held on to me; our legs were intertwined under the covers. There was this gentle touch to them that I tilted my head up wanting a bit more and he did, never pulling away like he'd letting me feed onto him. A loud breath escaped my mouth when he kissed me by the neck and I let out a giggle, feeling nervous, and also there was this sensation like you can just melt under his arms. That’s honestly all I have to say about Elliot. Feeling his fingers tracing along my sides leaving my breath hitched and trembling a little the further we go.I was about to wonder if we’re moving too fast, but it was too late to interrupt him and it was clear where this was leading. I laid there watching him pull off his shirt then felt his hands tracing across my arms and there was this tight feeling in my chest. I closed my eyes trying to calm myself from this overwhelming feeling that’s creeping up on me and it wasn’t like last tim
On Tuesday I met up with Lucas at the library like promised and we were both free for two hours before our next courses. Andre tagged along with him wanting to show me the college newspaper and they picked out one of the photos I took during their performance for the piece; my name was even credited underneath. I looked at it for a long second before glancing at Andre and I wasn’t too sure what to say about it, but I was surprised. Andre brought up the offer for the photoshoot again and I sat back in my chair glancing at the newsletter. It's the first time seeing my name on anything beside a reward certificate that a teacher would give in elementary school.“We’re going to pay you for your time,” Andre continued, then raised an eyebrow like he could read my thoughts. “You want to give it a try, right?”“You trust me to take your photo?” I asked him.“I wouldn’t be bugging if I didn’t,” Andre replied back and moved to sit beside me. “Come on, if I become famous, I’ll be thanking you fi
Once we were done we moved to a large field to sit and Elaine was laying out pre-made meals that Andre promised that we’ll have. We went in circles grabbing what was appealing to us and discussed plans that everyone will be doing once we’re done here. Luis joined in the conversation as he discussed going to the park with friends while Genevieve wanted to take Elaine to the mall before it closes. Andre was already looking over the pictures while showing them to Luis. I glanced over at Lucas not really sharing his own plans for tonight and he caught my stare.“Did you have fun today?” He asked me and moved a little closer towards me.“Yeah, I did. I wasn’t really sure what to expect, but I had fun using the camera and going along with them.” I answered, shyly, as I looked down at my plate. “I wasn’t too sure how things were going to go, but you guys convinced me to give it a try.”“I know. I was telling them before coming here that they shouldn’t push you, but Andre is a walking diva an
We all started cleaning up before heading towards the parking lot and I went with Lucas to his car; Andre came with us as usual. During the drive, Andre finally explained more about his audition and that it will be a small part with a few lines. He says that having some lines is better than being put as a background character or a silent role. I tried to understand the difference and we talked about the different career paths that Genevieve studies. I listened curiously until we arrived at the outlet and realized that we were close to the pier that Elliot and I go to. For a moment I was a little upset that he couldn't be here.“Oh, before we go to the stores and I overspend, let me send you the payment for the pictures you took,” Andre said and pulling out his phone then looked up at me. “I’ll make a direct payment on my phone. It’s connected with your phone number right?”“Um, yeah,” I answered shyly as I took out my phone and waited for the alert when I saw the amount he sent me. “W
Early the next day, Mom and I headed to my dad’s house for brunch. I looked at the new shoes I decided to wear and felt a bit lighter than I have for some time now. There has been a lot that have happened the past few weeks that is been giving me a lot of thoughts and also to reflect on. Compared to the beginning of the year, many conversations have brought forth new thoughts and things that I never considered for my life. Maybe things haven’t been fully answered for me, but it’s making things easier and I think Lucas was also right with what he said yesterday. I don’t understand the things he says sometimes, but the thought of trying a bit more sounds different from how he explained it.I am tired of putting up this barrier around myself, making me want to take a few steps forward. Some changes in my life slowly have been happening and I’m not sure when it all started, but I’ve been able to enjoy myself and I am curious about what else could happen. I glanced out the window seeing th
We spent some time holding onto each other until it started to feel cold now that the sun was going down and the wind got a little stronger. I put on my shoes and then helped Elliot clean the blanket before making our way to the car. Elliot was asking what I would be interested in eating, maybe trying to help me be in the mood to have something filling, but I wasn’t too sure how much I could intake. I agreed with something as simple as pizza and we took it home, where my mom was waiting for us. There was this awkward silence around the table; I felt like Elliot wanted to talk with my mom and report about our day, always privately counseling her. I was barely able to finish two slices before putting my plate in the sink and I gave them their time as I excused myself to change my clothes. I washed my feet since it was dirty from stepping on the wet sand and when I came back to my room, Elliot was lying down on my bed. I didn't say anything as I grabbed a new pair of socks and moved to
“Michael?” Elliot asked, wanting me to reply to his statement.“I’m listening,” I whispered, turning to look at him and thinking more about his words.“I don’t want you to be upset with yourself or to have any guilty conscience. It was just… I’m trying to inform you that this is also substance abuse or could even lead to it and you’ve used both alcohol and drugs in the past. This is aside from the fact that your friends pressured you to drink, if they continue with this, then you will blindly harm yourself in the long run. I’m actually surprised that you didn’t have that thought and it’s concerning.” Elliot tells me and it felt me speechless.I looked up at the sky and noticed the sun was beginning to set. “Can we not talk about this anymore?” I asked him.“I’m only telling you from the way I view it and I care about you. I don’t know how much you’ve explained to Doctor Brown about the situation, but with your reaction, it seemed like this is something that you haven’t made yourself a
We both didn’t say anything as Elliot kept his focus on the road and I kept my eyes out the window seeing the view change. I always enjoy seeing the beach view and maybe being out would be a nice breather like he suggested. It took a bit of time for Elliot to find parking and we made our way over to an area that was less crowded. Now that we’re near summer, it was a nice day to be at the beach and it wasn’t so hot that I had to take off my sweater. As always, Elliot took out a blanket from the trunk of his car like he’s always prepared and we laid it out after we found a nice spot away from the pier. It felt like we were the only people on the beach, giving me this secure feeling.“Are you sure that you’re not hungry?” Elliot asked after noticing the time. “I’ll eat after we are done here,” I said while looking over the ocean view and seeing the water shining from the sunlight.“But you like to stay here for hours,” Elliot retorts and tilts his head to look at me closer.I shrugged m
I sat up suddenly and felt my hands shaking, knowing I’d woken up from another nightmare. Why was this one real compared to the other one I had? Why did I remember something from the past that I was able to forget? No, I’m going to forget about it again like it never happened. I don’t want more memories from the past to resurface and affect me like before. It took me a moment to remember that I was in my bedroom and I reached a hand out to the spot beside me. I didn’t feel Elliot's hand and looked over to see his side of the bed empty. I tried to stay calm as I looked around my room trying to figure out if he had left while I was sleeping, but that wouldn’t be something that Elliot would do. “Elliot?” I called out in a small voice. Did he go home? No, he said that he was going to stay for a while and wasn’t going to leave without telling me. I tried not to feel overwhelmed as I pulled the covers off and checked the restroom, hoping he was in there. I stepped out to the hallway, hear
For a second, I wondered if we shouldn’t be holding each other like this, but does this mean that he still cares for me, or is he only being kind? If we had been like this before I fell asleep, I might not have had that dream. The thought about the dream had me shivering as I recall Chris’s face and I moved a bit away from Elliot, but he still had me in his arms. He must have noticed my discomfort and I felt his hands patting my back, trying to comfort me. I’m starting to feel a bit of pain in the pit of my stomach and I know it’s all the stress from having the panic attacks to the night terror. “I’m tired,” I mumbled as I closed my eyes, feeling exhausted again. “You’re going to be tired the whole day if you don’t rest,” Elliot replied. “I know… I’m already getting a stomach ache,” I said, then sighed, feeling a little pain. “And I was feeling that earlier at my dad’s house.” “Do you need some medicine?” He asked me. “I think so,” I said, sitting up. “Stay here. I’ll get it for
I closed my eyes, trying to get comfortable, and it felt easier to fall asleep with Elliot beside me. At least I know he is here supportively and he chose to stay the night because he wanted to; not just to watch over me out of spite. Even if he was here to comfort me and nothing more, I’m thankful he let me lean on him, even if it’s only for tonight. I opened my eyes, wanting a little peek, and he looked like he was already sound asleep; maybe he was already tired before coming to pick me up. There was something I wanted to ask him about our relationship, but I was also afraid to hear the answer, or I was only hoping for an answer that I wanted to hear. I turned over, away from him, and closed my eyes, knowing I was only trying to distract myself from sleeping. For a while, I could hear the soft breathing coming from Elliot, and hearing him was a nice reminder that I wasn’t alone. A sudden flashing light disturbed me and I raised a hand trying to block it; maybe I left the blinds op
Chapter 17When we entered the house, I went to the kitchen and decided I needed my anxiety pill. “Do you want something to drink?” I asked him.“Water is fine,” He answered.I grabbed two bottles of water and handed them to him as we moved to sit on the couch. “You really don’t mind staying?” I asked him.Elliot took the bottle of water and had a small sip, “I don’t mind.”I moved to lean against the armrest and face him as we sat on the long couch. “Before I called you, I was in the guest room trying to relax but I was going through both panic attacks and anxiety,” I told him while looking down at the bottle of water. “All those feelings came to me that I began to doubt myself... Every time I see Chris, alarm bells go off in my head and my body yells that I need to leave. Runaway, hide, or find a way to disappear.”Elliot reached out to hold my wrist and the touch grabbed my attention, “And now your home, far away from him. Remember that he’s not going to hurt you here.”“Come on, E
I looked into the living room, and I saw Ally on the ground playing with her toys while Caesar sat beside her, looking down at his phone. “When did she wake up?” I asked.He looked up and put his phone away, “About ten minutes ago… You look worse.”I moved to sit on the floor with them and Ally crawled over to me. “I called Elliot and he’s going to come by,” I told him and put Ally on my lap with her stuffed bear. “Is it okay if you wait until he gets here?”“Yeah,” He nodded as he reached into his pocket and handed me a paper. “They want you to call this number and you can tell them what happened. It’s Chris’s probation officer and they said that he will get a fine after breaking his restraining order.”I looked down at the paper, “A fine? That’s it?” I asked him.“Since he didn’t do anything, there isn’t much they can do besides that, and if he had done something, they could have him in jail for over six months,” Caesar said, leaning back to rest against the couch.“But that sounds
It was quiet on the walk back to my house and Caesar laid Ally down on her crib after I showed him the way to the bedroom. I was able to calm down a bit, but my hands were still shakey and I knew that this anxious feeling wouldn’t go away. I watched as Caesar closed the door behind him and rubbed my arm nervously, taking the lead back downstairs. I led him to the kitchen to grab a cup of water and took a small sip while Caesar stood behind me, leaning against the counter. It's my fault for being careless and going out when I’ve already been warned that he’s back in town. What would have happened if I was alone or if Caesar didn’t show up at the right time?“Thanks for helping me,” I whispered.“Well, it wasn’t like he could do much without having to put himself in jail and I’m not sure how you would have been if he stayed longer.” He said and looked me over like he was being cautious with his words. “You should be careful having these panic attacks while holding your sister… It looked