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Chapter 69
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2021-07-07 16:07:54“The last real friend I had… He knew what was going on between Chris and I so he tried to help me, but I was scared.” I tell Luis. “He was a good friend that wanted to help me and get me out of that abuse, but I got scared that in the end I only pushed him away so that he could give up on me.”
“He said that he didn’t mean it.” Elliot cut in and I glanced over at him.
“I know, but still,” I mumbled.
Turning away as I felt like I’ve shared enough and I wasn’t too sure if I wanted to answer any more questions that Luis might ask me. I think I’ve reached to an extent that I just want to close myself off from saying something that might be viewed wrongly or having to go to details that I’m not comfortable enough to do so.
“We still have a bit of time, should we go somewhere? Want to go walking around the pier?” I heard Elliot say.
“No,” I answere
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I hung up, putting my phone on the side, as I laid down again taking a deep breath, and just tried to clear my mind. For a while, all I heard was my phone ring and I know this time it could be Luis, either trying to call or text me, but I didn’t bother to look at my phone. I reached for my covers to pull it over my face and I honestly wasn’t sure how to feel because it was all just a mixed emotion between frustration, annoyance, disbelief, and more that I don’t want to recall. I laid there for another couple of minutes before sitting up, reached for my keys, as I’m getting out of bed deciding that I’m just going to take a walk. I didn’t want to be alone in the house with these thoughts and I still didn’t want to talk to anyone so I just kept my phone on silent when I stepped outside.I began walking down the block, putting on my headphones, just wanting to be distracted from my thoughts and it seemed like many feet were on autopilot.
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It took me a second to find the strength to get up, he wrapped his arm around me, as he began to lead me to his car. I don’t know what was happening because my head felt heavy and I’ve cried so much that I didn’t even know how I could see where I’m walking. Elliot put the seatbelt on me after getting inside his car and he waited for a second to look me over before getting inside the car driving off towards my house. We got out of the car once we arrived then walked to the front door and he searched through my pockets to grab my keys.“I’m sorry.” I began to say once we’re inside the house.Maybe because I’m back in the comfort of my home that made me able to talk, but my emotions began to build up again like I was trying to catch my breath after running a marathon.“For what?” He asked, making our way to my room.“Of what I said. What I felt and all that was going on in my head. I was
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I closed my eyes as I rested my head back on his shoulder again and he moved slightly as he grabbed his phone to make the phone call. “Hello… yeah, he’s fine now. He says that he needs you… Okay.” Elliot pauses for a second and talks to me now. “She wants to know if you want to go to the hospital?”I can feel my fingers slowly grab his shirt as if desperately making sure that I’m not being pulled away and I shake my head. “I’m not going to do anything, I promise. I don’t want to go so they can force me to stay by myself.”“He says no… I-I know..” He says as he goes back to talking to my mom. “I’m not sure. Okay, I will.”I can feel Elliot lowering his arm as he hangs up and I open my eyes to look at him. “What did she say?”“She’s coming in… Actually, I had already called her when I made my way to the park and she&r
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I didn’t go back inside until I heard his car turned on and I made my way back to my mom’s room laying down beside her pulling the covers over myself. I decided that I wanted to sleep a bit more since it was still early and I believed I slept for another two or three hours when I woke up again and my mom was still laying beside me as she was on her phone.“Mom,” I called her.She put her phone down, “You're finally awake.”“Yeah, about what happened…”“No, there’s no need to tell me. Elliot was able to explain everything that happened and I think I understand what was going on,” she said as she moved to sit up. “You should have told me. When you saw Chris, the panic attacks, or how you were feeling about school or college.”I shook my head, “I’m sorry. I was going to tell you, but I never found a good time or it felt like maybe you wouldn't want to know
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I continued eating until my plate was empty and we spent the rest of the night watching anything that was on television and I got another serving after a while realizing that I was a little more hungry then I thought. At nine, my mom decided to go to bed and I went to bed a little past ten, finally able to go to sleep after an hour of laying in bed. By morning we got ready to head out of the house after having breakfast and it seemed like the only psychiatrist that was available was at the local hospital and it made me nervous just thinking that we still had to go to the hospital in the end. My mom had to do a few paperwork while we waited and gave them our insurance information before they could call me in.I was trying to not be nervous because it’s not my first time meeting a psychiatrist, but it was still unnerving, and played with the rubber band on my wrist hoping the fidgeting can help calm my nerves. It might have taken us almost an hour just waiting to be calle
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My dad didn't see me the rest of the day late at night when he saw my face and assumed that I had gotten myself in a fight so I wasn’t allowed out for a few weeks. He didn't ask how or why I had the bruises aside from his assumption, but I couldn't even bring myself to explain what happened if he did ask. I spent the weekend in my room feeling as if I was hiding myself away and I tried to call Caesar, but he wouldn’t answer my call and Chris only messaged me trying to apologize about his behavior. I wasn’t too sure how genuine his apologizing is and how much of it I can accept at this point. By Monday, I was walking to school when I saw Caesar reaching the front gate and I took a deep breath hoping that he would listen to my apology or hope that he wasn’t too angry as well.“I’m sorry,” I said, walking over towards him.“You didn’t even fucking defend me.” He said once he saw me.“I was scared and
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Weeks passed by, I was laying in bed reaching for my phone after hearing ringing five minutes ago and I saw that I received a message; I hardly get one unless it’s from my dad or it can be Chris checking to see what I was doing. Our conversation never lasts long after a few text messages between each other and the only reason Chris bothers to text me now is because we have summer school together; no surprise we have the same class. It seemed like we were both failing in math, but he was spending more time with me to help him pass the class, and being home more was the only thing that could relax me. I didn’t mind summer school until I walked into the classroom to see Chris sitting there and I felt myself catch my breath feeling like I had no choice but to sit beside him like the day we first met. Chris’s friends weren’t in the class, which made me feel at ease since the bullying, but I still remembered them coming after me during the end of the school year. There were times
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My mom had to stop by the front desk again before we could leave and I thought about everything that we talked about during our session. I thought about all that Dr. Brown said and I wondered about the word ‘high functioning anxiety’ and her explanation of the possible suicidal tendencies. We went to the pharmacy as my mom put in the order for the medication prescription and I walked around the store trying to distract myself while we waited. I came across a large three-section notebook and I reached out to grab it to take it with me. After some time, we finally left the store and while we sat in the car my mom was looking over the new medication that was prescribed: Benzodiazepines.“I don’t think I’ve heard of this word before…” she mumbled.I reached for my phone and googled the medicine. “It says it's to relax and ease chronic anxiety disorder… Side effects can be dizziness, headaches, and nausea.” I rea
Last Updated : 2021-08-06
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Don't Touch Chapter 18 [4-4]
We spent some time holding onto each other until it started to feel cold now that the sun was going down and the wind got a little stronger. I put on my shoes and then helped Elliot clean the blanket before making our way to the car. Elliot was asking what I would be interested in eating, maybe trying to help me be in the mood to have something filling, but I wasn’t too sure how much I could intake. I agreed with something as simple as pizza and we took it home, where my mom was waiting for us. There was this awkward silence around the table; I felt like Elliot wanted to talk with my mom and report about our day, always privately counseling her. I was barely able to finish two slices before putting my plate in the sink and I gave them their time as I excused myself to change my clothes. I washed my feet since it was dirty from stepping on the wet sand and when I came back to my room, Elliot was lying down on my bed. I didn't say anything as I grabbed a new pair of socks and moved to
Don't Touch Chapter 18 [3-4]
“Michael?” Elliot asked, wanting me to reply to his statement.“I’m listening,” I whispered, turning to look at him and thinking more about his words.“I don’t want you to be upset with yourself or to have any guilty conscience. It was just… I’m trying to inform you that this is also substance abuse or could even lead to it and you’ve used both alcohol and drugs in the past. This is aside from the fact that your friends pressured you to drink, if they continue with this, then you will blindly harm yourself in the long run. I’m actually surprised that you didn’t have that thought and it’s concerning.” Elliot tells me and it felt me speechless.I looked up at the sky and noticed the sun was beginning to set. “Can we not talk about this anymore?” I asked him.“I’m only telling you from the way I view it and I care about you. I don’t know how much you’ve explained to Doctor Brown about the situation, but with your reaction, it seemed like this is something that you haven’t made yourself a
Don't Touch Chapter 18 [2-4]
We both didn’t say anything as Elliot kept his focus on the road and I kept my eyes out the window seeing the view change. I always enjoy seeing the beach view and maybe being out would be a nice breather like he suggested. It took a bit of time for Elliot to find parking and we made our way over to an area that was less crowded. Now that we’re near summer, it was a nice day to be at the beach and it wasn’t so hot that I had to take off my sweater. As always, Elliot took out a blanket from the trunk of his car like he’s always prepared and we laid it out after we found a nice spot away from the pier. It felt like we were the only people on the beach, giving me this secure feeling.“Are you sure that you’re not hungry?” Elliot asked after noticing the time. “I’ll eat after we are done here,” I said while looking over the ocean view and seeing the water shining from the sunlight.“But you like to stay here for hours,” Elliot retorts and tilts his head to look at me closer.I shrugged m
Don't Touch Chapter 18 [1-4]
I sat up suddenly and felt my hands shaking, knowing I’d woken up from another nightmare. Why was this one real compared to the other one I had? Why did I remember something from the past that I was able to forget? No, I’m going to forget about it again like it never happened. I don’t want more memories from the past to resurface and affect me like before. It took me a moment to remember that I was in my bedroom and I reached a hand out to the spot beside me. I didn’t feel Elliot's hand and looked over to see his side of the bed empty. I tried to stay calm as I looked around my room trying to figure out if he had left while I was sleeping, but that wouldn’t be something that Elliot would do. “Elliot?” I called out in a small voice. Did he go home? No, he said that he was going to stay for a while and wasn’t going to leave without telling me. I tried not to feel overwhelmed as I pulled the covers off and checked the restroom, hoping he was in there. I stepped out to the hallway, hear
Don't Touch Chapter 17 [3-3]
For a second, I wondered if we shouldn’t be holding each other like this, but does this mean that he still cares for me, or is he only being kind? If we had been like this before I fell asleep, I might not have had that dream. The thought about the dream had me shivering as I recall Chris’s face and I moved a bit away from Elliot, but he still had me in his arms. He must have noticed my discomfort and I felt his hands patting my back, trying to comfort me. I’m starting to feel a bit of pain in the pit of my stomach and I know it’s all the stress from having the panic attacks to the night terror. “I’m tired,” I mumbled as I closed my eyes, feeling exhausted again. “You’re going to be tired the whole day if you don’t rest,” Elliot replied. “I know… I’m already getting a stomach ache,” I said, then sighed, feeling a little pain. “And I was feeling that earlier at my dad’s house.” “Do you need some medicine?” He asked me. “I think so,” I said, sitting up. “Stay here. I’ll get it for
Don't Touch Chapter 17 [2-3]
I closed my eyes, trying to get comfortable, and it felt easier to fall asleep with Elliot beside me. At least I know he is here supportively and he chose to stay the night because he wanted to; not just to watch over me out of spite. Even if he was here to comfort me and nothing more, I’m thankful he let me lean on him, even if it’s only for tonight. I opened my eyes, wanting a little peek, and he looked like he was already sound asleep; maybe he was already tired before coming to pick me up. There was something I wanted to ask him about our relationship, but I was also afraid to hear the answer, or I was only hoping for an answer that I wanted to hear. I turned over, away from him, and closed my eyes, knowing I was only trying to distract myself from sleeping. For a while, I could hear the soft breathing coming from Elliot, and hearing him was a nice reminder that I wasn’t alone. A sudden flashing light disturbed me and I raised a hand trying to block it; maybe I left the blinds op
Don't Touch Chapter 17 [1-3]
Chapter 17When we entered the house, I went to the kitchen and decided I needed my anxiety pill. “Do you want something to drink?” I asked him.“Water is fine,” He answered.I grabbed two bottles of water and handed them to him as we moved to sit on the couch. “You really don’t mind staying?” I asked him.Elliot took the bottle of water and had a small sip, “I don’t mind.”I moved to lean against the armrest and face him as we sat on the long couch. “Before I called you, I was in the guest room trying to relax but I was going through both panic attacks and anxiety,” I told him while looking down at the bottle of water. “All those feelings came to me that I began to doubt myself... Every time I see Chris, alarm bells go off in my head and my body yells that I need to leave. Runaway, hide, or find a way to disappear.”Elliot reached out to hold my wrist and the touch grabbed my attention, “And now your home, far away from him. Remember that he’s not going to hurt you here.”“Come on, E
Don't Touch Chapter 16 [4-4]
I looked into the living room, and I saw Ally on the ground playing with her toys while Caesar sat beside her, looking down at his phone. “When did she wake up?” I asked.He looked up and put his phone away, “About ten minutes ago… You look worse.”I moved to sit on the floor with them and Ally crawled over to me. “I called Elliot and he’s going to come by,” I told him and put Ally on my lap with her stuffed bear. “Is it okay if you wait until he gets here?”“Yeah,” He nodded as he reached into his pocket and handed me a paper. “They want you to call this number and you can tell them what happened. It’s Chris’s probation officer and they said that he will get a fine after breaking his restraining order.”I looked down at the paper, “A fine? That’s it?” I asked him.“Since he didn’t do anything, there isn’t much they can do besides that, and if he had done something, they could have him in jail for over six months,” Caesar said, leaning back to rest against the couch.“But that sounds
Don't Touch Chapter 16 [3-4]
It was quiet on the walk back to my house and Caesar laid Ally down on her crib after I showed him the way to the bedroom. I was able to calm down a bit, but my hands were still shakey and I knew that this anxious feeling wouldn’t go away. I watched as Caesar closed the door behind him and rubbed my arm nervously, taking the lead back downstairs. I led him to the kitchen to grab a cup of water and took a small sip while Caesar stood behind me, leaning against the counter. It's my fault for being careless and going out when I’ve already been warned that he’s back in town. What would have happened if I was alone or if Caesar didn’t show up at the right time?“Thanks for helping me,” I whispered.“Well, it wasn’t like he could do much without having to put himself in jail and I’m not sure how you would have been if he stayed longer.” He said and looked me over like he was being cautious with his words. “You should be careful having these panic attacks while holding your sister… It looked
