#7 I'll Start Over

Akiko didn’t know how long she had spent sitting silently in the corner of her room because, when she came, the surroundings had already turned dark. She turned on the light, took a stack of futons from the sliding closet, and laid them out on the floor to sleep.

But even though she lay down and felt very tired, Akiko couldn’t fall asleep. Besides feeling restless and scared of Kenji, Akiko was also afraid of her own future. 

She had never felt so lost and hopeless, as if the whole world didn’t want to accept her. Akiko then closed her eyes, took a few deep breaths, and tried to clear her mind of all the negative thoughts that were gnawing at her sanity and well-being.

At that moment, Akiko wanted to improve her current life and find a way to stop sinking deeper into despair. Indeed, contemplating Yuto and everything else wasn't the appropriate approach.

“I will work,” Akiko muttered. After clearing her mind, she finally came to a decision that she found quite satisfying.

By working, Akiko believed she still had a chance to live and didn’t have to stay here. Though it wouldn’t be easy, she would be free and truly have a new life. While working, Akiko would not only keep herself busy and easily forget Yuto, but she would also resolve her problems with Kenji.

This thought calmed Akiko a little, and she finally fell asleep, although restlessly and haunted by nightmares. She dreamt of Kaede, Yuto, and Karin, who were pointing at her and calling her a cheap woman, and Kenji chasing her fiercely. 

Eventually, tears began to flow from the corner of Akiko's eyes as her dream shifted to her parents.

A brown hand reached out, wiping away her tears. “Nakanaide, Akiko.” (Don’t cry, Akiko.) 

The soft whisper clearly wouldn’t wake Akiko. Kenji had entered the room some time ago, carefully, without making any sound. Now he stood by the bed, slightly bent over. 

After that, Kenji just stood there, for who knows how long, observing Akiko's restlessness with both hands clenched at his sides. And Kenji left Akiko’s room at dawn—after she had fallen into a deeper sleep.

***

Akiko’s body felt very heavy when she woke up. Some parts of her body also ached from bruises. She didn’t need to guess; Akiko knew exactly where the bruises and the tiredness in her body came from. The 'wars' she had fought yesterday could not have left any marks. Her battles with Karin, Kaede, and, of course, the 'war' with Kenji would leave marks—not just physically.

But Akiko ignored it all, trying to forget it. Today, she had to confront her own destiny. Akiko had resolved to struggle to improve her fate, which had deteriorated so quickly the day before. 

Akiko still felt that what had happened was like a dream, but she forced herself to get up. She knew she couldn’t drown in that sadness for long.

“You will be alright; everything will be alright. Tomorrow is another day.” Akiko muttered while folding the futon and putting it back in the closet.

Akiko looked around. Last night she hadn’t had the chance to look around, so now she observes everything more closely. 

She had been residing in the same room for years. Nothing had changed; everything was still the same. Kenji hadn’t moved a single item from there; the room was just regularly cleaned.

Akiko looked at several Japanese rock singer posters—her favorite, still perfectly attached to the wall—as well as various macramé hangings in their places. The wall decorations made of woven rope were Akiko’s creations. 

To restore her brain function after brain tumor surgery, Akiko had been introduced to various crafts, but weaving macramé was the one that stayed with her into adulthood. Only after getting married did Akiko completely give up the craft. Kaede believed that spending hours weaving was pointless and wouldn't help her get pregnant.

Akiko hissed, dismissing the painful memories and turning to the papers full of kanji characters, which were also stuck to the wall. Akiko reached for one of the papers. It was Akiko’s first kanji writing. 

Akiko could already read Latin letters when he was eight years old. But that knowledge was useless here. Akiko had to learn from scratch to write and read kanji characters. The paper she held contained the correct kanji writing she had created without Kenji's assistance.

“Watashi wa oji ga daisuki desu.” (I love my uncle.)

Akiko muttered, reading the clumsily written characters. This was Akiko's first attempt at writing in kanji, and naturally, it included a reference to Kenji. 

At that time, the man held a special place in her heart. The world was where Akiko leaned. The only hope was that Akiko would not give up on her illness. All of her spirit and desire to live came from Kenji. 

But now, the figure Akiko once adored seems swallowed by the dark night. He was so different that Akiko no longer recognized him.

After sighing, Akiko reattached the writing to the wall and left. She realized she couldn’t waste time reminiscing. She had to move. Akiko had decided to look for a job today, but she clearly needed to eat first. 

She hadn’t eaten anything almost all day yesterday, except for the milk Karin gave her. Surely her stomach was very hungry now.

Akiko’s steps stopped in front of the kitchen. Kenji stood there, cooking something on the stove. Seeing Kenji’s back like that, Akiko didn’t feel any changes. 

He still looked like the Kenji she used to see; perhaps only his hairstyle was different. Kenji always prepared meals for her, until Akiko could do it herself.

“I’ll prepare your meal this time, but after that, you’ll have to prepare it yourself.” Kenji hadn’t turned around, but he had already heard Akiko’s footsteps and knew she was standing silently.

“Not just prepare for yourself, but also for me. You’ll have to prepare breakfast and dinner for me every day.” Kenji turned around and placed two plates of omurice on the table. 

The only piece of furniture in the house that wasn’t traditional Japanese style was the dining table. They sat in chairs to eat, not on the floor like in other rooms in the house.

Akiko nodded, not objecting to the task division. She didn’t want to live for free in this house anyway. Even before Akiko got married and left this house, she had the duty of cooking. The difference was that, back then, Kenji didn’t specifically assign her that task. 

Usually, when Akiko had a lot of school activities, Kenji would cook. Or when Kenji got home first, he would cook, and vice versa. Sometimes they cooked together. They used to live in such perfect harmony, but it is now certainly broken. Akiko didn’t even want to be in the same room with Kenji right now.

Her hunger made Akiko sit down but it wasn’t enough to stop her fear. Akiko had to tightly clasp her hands under the table—to calm herself—before she could take the spoon and eat her portion of omurice. 

On his first bite, Akiko wanted to cry again. She blamed her unstable emotions, because the omurice shouldn't have made her cry.

It didn’t taste extraordinarily delicious, but the taste was a memory in Akiko’s head. The omurice still tasted as Akiko remembered. The omelet surface, smooth and yellow, was decorated with a subtle sweetness and sourness from the ketchup. That taste symbolized her peaceful life back then.

Akiko quickly wiped away her tears. But on the second bite, Akiko wanted to cry again. But this time, it wasn’t because of the taste. Akiko cried because she realized this was the first time in two years—since her marriage—she could eat peacefully without fear of judgment and scorn.

Akiko didn't mind cooking, but because of Kaede, cooking and eating eventually turned into horrors for her. Her mother-in-law always found flaws in every meal Akiko had made over the past two years. 

She had to deal with issues such as tough rice, overly salty miso soup, and burnt grilled fish, among others. Those were just a few examples of the criticisms Kaede used to judge her cooking. Making it hard for Akiko to swallow when eating with her.

Akiko typically eats in the kitchen while washing dishes or cleaning. Of course, Akiko also made notes on what needed to be improved. Over the past two years, Akiko has done the same thing repeatedly. But Kaede was never satisfied with her cooking.

Akiko managed to wipe her tears before they fell, but this time she couldn’t do the same. Akiko could taste the salt in her tears. The longer she stayed away from that house, the more Akiko realized that Kaede might be a demon in human form. She was cruel.

Akiko kept her head down, not wanting to look up and show her tears to Kenji. For Akiko, Kenji is now no better than Kaede. Therefore, Akiko continued eating while keeping her head down. Swallowing the salty taste without much talking, Akiko was startled when Kenji stood up.

“I’ll be home at nine. Have the food ready before I get back.” After saying that, Kenji left the kitchen.

Akiko accepted it with a sense of relief. Akiko finally looked up and wiped her tears. She remembered Kenji’s message while quickly finishing her breakfast. There were still many things she had to do today. Of course, the first was looking for a job.

Akiko briefly left the kitchen and returned with an old laptop she used for school, placing it on the dining table. She also searched for a notebook and a pencil. Akiko searched for job openings online and noted down the ones that seemed suitable for her. 

Once again, Akiko regretted her life choices. She married Yuto right after graduating, without going to college or anything. She didn’t regret loving Yuto, just now feeling that her decision to marry might have been too hasty.

Yuto, at that time, was pressured by his mother to have grandchildren. Yuto promised Akiko that she would have the freedom to go to college and do other things. But, of course, that sweet promise never materialized. Kaede objected, saying Akiko should stay home, and Yuto persuaded her to obey Kaede.

Akiko sighed; her decision now made it difficult to find a job. Some jobs matched her qualifications but were not prestigious at all. But better than nothing. Akiko wanted to leave this house as soon as possible.

Until noon, Akiko tirelessly kept searching. She sent online applications and prepared documents to present the following day. Japan might be very advanced, but some places still prefer the old way of applicants coming in person. Akiko would do everything, no matter what it took.