02 Letting Him Go

(Winona)

I’m packing up my personal things. Slowly placing the possessions I love into boxes. My heart is torn apart as I glance around the house I’d started to set up as my forever home. The one I’d build a family with Jayden in and live happily ever after. 

Fresh tears start as I think about maybe never being a mother now. I just can’t imagine myself ever loving anyone else as much as I love Jayden. I certainly can’t see myself pregnant and happy with another man.

I grew up in a loveless and abusive family. The shining light was a kind and loving foster mother I got to live with when I went to college and university. 

Come to think of it, she was as much responsible for my success as Jayden was at the time. That home made me forget my awful early childhood and see the world could be a nicer place. You know what? I’m going home to her. She never ever judged. She never tried to tell me not to see Jayden.

My father was a drunk and my mother was cold because she never wanted a baby to have to care for. I always swore I’d love my children more than anything else in the world even if I’d never planned for them.

My cell phone buzzes and it’s Lisa. I need a friend more than anything right now even if Lisa is a little unhinged at times, her heart is in the right place and she seems to have grown up a lot this past year.

“Hi.” I sniffle.

“You’re crying again.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. I can’t believe he’s treating you this way. And as for Ashlyn, unbelievable. She was practically our best friend. Like a little sister.”

“I guess love makes you do stupid things.”

Lisa is silent for a second. “That may be true but you don’t need to make excuses for them. They deserve each other.”

“You are right about that.” I am hurt beyond anything I could ever imagine. But, if this is what he wants then they are welcome to each other. I’ll find a way to reinvent myself again.

“It would be much healthier for you to just move on and stop living in the past. I want you to be happy again.”

Bless her, she really cares about me. My life was so dark and lonely during high school. I didn’t fit in. I hated myself. My parents hated me. I had no other family. Then Jayden showed up like a shining light of hope just before I was moved to a foster home. 

At first I was sure it was all a prank and he was going to just laugh at me with his friends. But Jayden was different. He didn’t care what anyone else thought about him being my friend.

I guess with someone like Jayden and his family no one was brave enough to say anything to him.

“Without his unconditional love and support I’d have probably done something awful,” I tell her.

“Don’t say that. You wouldn’t. You are much stronger than you think. You got those scholarships and you got your degrees. Jayden didn’t do the work for you.”

 “But maybe I’d never have gone to college let alone graduated university without his support. He never gave up on me and I will never give up on him. I’ll never give up on us.” I tell her with a strength inside me I’d almost forgotten about. But it’s pointless now.

“Just promise me, you’ll use that determination to also build a life for yourself. You are worth it.”

I take a deep breath. She’s right. I do need to make a life for myself.  “I will. I’m going back to my home city in a few days. I’ll start fresh.”

“We’ll catch up before you leave town. It’s my birthday the day after tomorrow.”

I’d forgotten. “Oh, Lisa. Sure, we’ll catch up. I’ll send you my room number when I check into the hotel.” I disconnect the call and sigh. My whole life has changed so much in a few years.

My cell buzzes again. It’s Lance. He’s been Jayden’s best friend for as long as Lisa has been mine and we’d also formed an unlikely if not awkward friendship. 

I think he was sweet on me first up but I only had eyes for Jayden and Lance respected his friend enough to let it go. Plus Lance isn’t the type to settle down, lord knows Lisa had tried with him.

Now we seem caught up in some weird zone where Lance wants to be on Jayden’s side but then he still wants to be friends with me. I don’t think he can see how to have both without Jayden and I being together again. But he also cannot get through to Jayden.

Whatever the proof is that Jayden has, must be super convincing. 

I let the call go because I don’t think I can talk crap about my situation with Lance right now. My phone insistently buzzes again, and again. I’ll just get this over with, I guess. “Lance, hi.”

“Hey there. I’m throwing a surprise party for Lisa at my house. Jayden will be there. You should come. It’ll be like old times. Might help activate his memory.”

“No thanks.” I’ve spent almost a year trying to activate his memory. Nothing has worked. Not even a night of passion. That just made Jayden even more hostile towards me.

“Really? I think you should. I mean, it’s been ages since us four hung out like that. Not since Vegas, and um, well, the accident.”

“Nothing is the same now, Lance. But I do thank you for the support.”

“I think we should at least try and help him remember how happy you guys were.”

“I’m done trying. If he does remember it has to be when he is ready. We clearly can’t force this. And what if he never remembers? I can’t just hang about with him hating on me forever. I spent a year in a coma. I need a life now.”

“Are you really sure?” he asks again.

“I signed the divorce papers yesterday. I’m leaving town.”

“What!? Why would you sign for a divorce? I mean, he’s worth an absolute mint.”

“Because I can’t keep hanging on to false hope. Jayden has made his feelings clear. I may be hurt and angry but I’m not an idiot. Let them have their life together. I’m going to make my own life.” 

“Wow. I guess you’ve restored my faith in human nature. I can’t find anyone who won’t date me for my money.”

I want to say that’s because he’s a shallow idiot but I don’t. “One day you’ll find someone to love.”

“Maybe. Are you sure you won’t come along anyway? Lisa would love you there.”

“I’ll keep in touch.” I lie because it’s just easier right now. 

I disconnect the call and walk to the box of baby things Jayden and I once collected together. The softness of a lemon-colored blanket starts a new set of tears rolling.

Behind me an acid voice speaks. “Still fake-crying I see. Give it up, Winona. You and my son were never meant to be.