Chapter 3- Matteo

Making my way to Lana’s room I think about how fucked up this day became. It’s been three months of keeping Amara prisoner. The council told me I had to do something with her. Everyone thinks she isn’t to blame for Cheryl’s death and maybe she isn’t, but I can’t help myself. Cheryl was by far the perfect mate. She was bossy, always challenging me, and she didn’t really want me. 

Cheryl was madly in love with a warrior in her old pack. She was set to run away with him, but the night before she could I came to her pack to visit. She was my mate and I didn’t know she was in love with someone else and about to run away. I don’t know why her and her warrior lover thought becoming rogues was wise, but they were desperate. Cheryl's father forced her to go home with me. Cheryl explained she was in love with someone else. I was prepared to let her reject me even though I had waited long enough for my mate. However, I couldn’t stop her if she wanted to be with someone else. 

Days later Cheryl’s lover turned up dead. I have no doubt in my mind that her fahter murdered that warrior so that she wouldn't reject me. Distraught Cheryl went along with the plan to mark and mate with me. We didn't love one another, we couldn’t with the strange divide between us. Her wishing I was someone else and me wishing she’d just give me a chance. We only had sex to have Lana. After that it became hard for us to be intimate. I wasn’t lying I’m a rough lover. I’m not gentle with sex, I like to be in control, I like dominate, and Cheryl was never into that. We always felt so forced together especially when Lana came along. 

So one might ask why I’m so pissed off at Amara. Truth is, I’m not, I’m pissed at myself because I told Cheryl not to go to that stupid party. With the rogue attacks I didn't want her or Lana leaving our pack territory. I know our pack is very secure, but not all packs are like us. Not all of them are prepared. Cheryl insisted she go to show face. We argued about it for weeks and then I gave in tired of hearing her bitch at me. 

Before Cheryl died things were getting harder between us. I was sexually frustrated becasue Cheryl wouldn’t let me fuck her and if she did there was so many limitations I couldn’t enjoy myself. I always knew my bedroom taste might not be enjoyed by my mate. I was prepared to make compromises, but everything with Cheryl was about compromises. It was stressful and I was losing my cool with her. 

I was irritated at Cheryl. I started touching myself to Amara. She was young, almost a decade younger than me, pretty face, nice body, great with my daughter, it was a good nany fantasy until the fucking nany bcame my mate. I didn’t want a second chance mate and I didn’t want a chosen mate. I was done with fucking mates. Cheryl ended up being a disappointment. If I had made her stay she would still be alive. I feel guilt because of Lana. She has to grow up without her mother now. I’m taking my grief and guilt out on Amara who I keep trying to convince myself is to blame. 

Lana greets me in her nightgown. She’s been bugging me about Amara. She really hates her new nanny. I’ve had to go through three different nannies in the last three months. None of them last, Lana is having tantrums as she is having a hard time accepting her mothers death. I’m also sure she isn’t thrilled with having Amara gone. Lana runs to me and pick her up in my arms. 

“Hey baby girl.” I kiss her on her cheek. 

“Daddy, did you really find your second chance mate? Everyone’s been talking about it.” 

“Yes, baby girl, I did.” 

“No! I don’t want a new mommy.” Lana screams as claws herself out of my arms. She might not be able to fully transform, but she fucking has leanred to use her claws in her rages. I’m literally bloody from her clawing out of my arms. Lana drops to the ground and starts crying, throwing her limbs around screaming no. 

It’s only getting worse. I actually hope Amara can help Lana. I wasn’t actually going to kill her. I was going down there to release her so she could go back to being Lana’s nanny because I’m clueless what to do for her. I hoped Amara would make Lana more comfortable. I wanted to spook Amara a little. It worked. She's terrified of me. I can't believe I left her tied to my bed. I’m not sure why I did, but I did it. 

Kneeling down next to Lana to see if I can reason with her tantrum. “Lana, you might actually like my second chance mate. You know her.” 

Lana stops flailing around like a crazy pup. “I do?” She asks, cocking her head. 

“Yes, now if you calm down I can tell you who it is.” I reason with her. 

Lana sits straight up. “Please tell me it’s Amara!” She squeals. Lucky guess. 

“It is, baby girl, how did you know?”

“Yes! The moon goddess answered my prayer. I asked her if I had to have a new mommy that would be Amara. She's the only one who is good enough for my daddy and to be my new mommy. Do I get to have a sibling?” She asks excitedly. 

I’m slightly stunned by her answer. I knew Lana liked Amara, but I didn’t realize she loved her as much as she does. Well at least Lana seems accepting of the news. It could change though. Her emotions have been everywhere. 

“I don't know about a sibling.” I state trying to slow Lana down. I’m not ready for another pup just yet. 

Do I like the idea of more pups, yes, but I’m not there yet. I’ve been struggling for years to get Cheryl to agree to have another pup. I started to push the idea out of my head, now it is something that could happen with my second chance mate. Maybe I’m looking at this wrong. Maybe I can have what I’ve wanted with Amara. It’s a scary thought to think I might have what I want now. Then I feel guilty because then I wonder if I let Cheryl go because I hoped she’d get hurt or die. It makes me feel like I don’t deserve a second chance and what I’ve wanted. 

“Daddy, I want a baby sibling.” Lana demands stomping her foot. 

“Baby girl, not tonight. Please, let's get some sleep.” I try to reason with a crazy pup. 

“No, sleep, I want to see Amara so she knows I want a sibling. If she is going to be my new mom she better give me a baby sibling.” Lana crosses her arms against her chest with her head stuck up in the air. 

“You can’t see her tonight, she’s um tied up at the moment.” Thankfully, Lana doesn’t understand what I mean by tied up because Amara is literally tied up right now. “If you go to sleep you can talk to her in the morning about it. I’m sure she will just love to hear about having a baby sibling for you. Right now, I need you to go to sleep so Daddy can go to sleep.” 

The nanny I had disappeared the moment I walked into the room. I’ll fire her tomorrow. I’m sure she will gladly leave. I also need Lana to get to bed because I can't really leave Amara tied up for too long. Lana looks at me like she's considering what I said. 

“Fine, but I want you to read me a story.” 

“Baby girl, you are in no position to make demands. Come on, bed now.” Lana huffs as she heads towards her princess canopy bed. 

I tuck her into bed and kiss her goodnight. Before I head back to Amara I head to see the pack doctor to ask about birth control and the morning after pill. Werewolves have their own versions. I know it’s tricky and birth control isn’t guaranteed. Condoms aren’t made big enough for us werewolves. We tried making our own, but honestly we all fucking hate them. Birthcontrol is the easiest and least permanent option. 

The pack doctor looks at me like I have five heads when I ask for the morning after pill and birth control pamphlets so Amara can decide which one to take. I’ll let her decide, but she has to go on them for a bit. I’m not ready for a pup and I don't know if Amara is either. I don’t care how bad Lana want’s a sibling or the council wants to see me with another heir, another thing the love to be on my ass about, I’m not fucking doing a pup right now while I’m dealing with guilt. It’s not fair that I move on just yet like that. 

When I get back to my room I find Amara asleep. Fresh guilt creeps over me. I didn’t think I was gone that long. Shit. I go over to her and untie her. Amara stirs, waking from me moving her. I was trying to not wake her, but It seems I might have. She blinks her eyes open as I finish laying her arms down. My plan was to just tuck her in and let her sleep, but I woke her. I’m not gentle. It's why I can never successfully put Lana in her bed when she falls asleep somewhere else. 

“I didn’t mean to leave you tied up for so long.” I apologize, feeling a little guilty. 

“It’s fine. What happened to your shirt?” She asks, reaching to touch where Lana shredded my shirt. I growl softly at her. She’s touching me like she cares and it caused me to snap a little. I feel like I don’t deserve a second chance mate after going against my gut and letting Cheryl go to that party, I should have told her no. We might not have had the greatest of mateship, but she was still important to me, to my daughter, to my pack, and I let her go to her death. Amara quickly removes her hand. 

“It was Lana, she has been having a hard time since her mother died. She has bad tantrum outbursts. I haven’t really been able to help her. Maybe you can.” I say climbing off her. I grab the white paper bag that I set on the table. I also have a bottle of water ready to go for her. I dump the contents of the white bag and hand her the water bottle. “Take the pills. Look at the pamphlets and pick which one you want.” 

Amara takes the water better and looks at the items on the bed. Her eyes go wide. “What are the pills?”

“Morning after pills.” I answer coldly walking away from her. 

“You don't want me to get pregnant, do you?” I can hear the tears in her voice. 

“No, I don’t. I’m still mourning my first mate and Lana is having a hard time with her mothers death. We don't need a pup right now. Don’t take birth control, I don’t care, but if you don’t I’m fucking you in your ass only. I’m serious, Amara, I don’t want more pups.” 

“Will you ever want them ever?” I hear her ask as I take off my shirt to replace it with a new one. I prefer to sleep naked, but I don’t think that will go over well with Amara right now. 

“I don’t know, probably not.” I’m not getting her hopes up. I’m not making promises I’m not sure I can keep. I hear her get up from the bed. I can hear her stumbling around then I hear the bathroom door shut. Fuck. 

Turning around with my new shirt I see everything on the bed. I sigh annoyed. I didn’t think she’d have this type of reaction. I guess I never realized how much someone like her might want pups. I can’t make that promise to her. I don't know what I want. It’s not a good time for a pup. I’m not sure I want more pups. I don't know how long it will take me to get past my guilt of Cheryl's death and the guilt of trying to move forward. It’s too much to put a time limit on. Then there is Lana who is out of control and confused as to why her mommy isn’t coming back. I know she wants a sibling, she’s been asking for years, but I’m afraid she will end up jealous of the new pup. WIth her emotions out of control it might just be too much for her. Her little life has changed so drastically with her mothers death and now her father having a new mate. A pup would be overwhelming to her. She has enough to adjust to. 

I go to the door to knock, but I hear Amara crying. Shit. I’m not good when women cry. I don’t know what to do. I can’t comfort her because she thinks I hate her and I want to keep it that way. I’m punishing myself and everyone around me, I know, but I can't help it. I’m blowing my own second chance at what I originally wanted with my mate. I can’t move on, not yet. 

“Amara, come out.” I demand. 

“Leave me alone. I’ll take your stupid pills in the morning, just leave me alone.” She yells through her sobs. 

I don't know what to do other than to leave her alone. I get into bed, but as I do I see Amara’s blood stain from when I took her virginity early. I keep forgetting that I’m her first mate. She wants everything I want and yet I don’t know if I can give it to her. She’s a great person to start over with and yet I can’t bring myself to accept that I deserve such things. Guilt eats at me because now I’m ruining Amara’s future because of my original guilt,  now I have new guilt on top of old guilt. Great. 

I climb into bed and lay there for a bit waiting for Amara to come out, but she never does. I don't think she is crying anymore, but she isn't coming out. I guess she really wants to be alone. I don't want to break her, but I am already starting to. I can’t give her what we both want because I’m struggling to process my guilt. My guilt is going to ruin my future and Amara’s future. She’s stuck with a grumpy asshole alpha for her first mate who basically just told her he doesn't want to have pups with her because it’s not a good time. Yeah I’m sure she’s feelin pretty cursed right now.