Prologue

Marose Barquez

Have you ever felt bad for getting left behind? Have you ever felt like no one wanted to stay? Because I did, although they never intended but that's what I've been believing my entire life. Maybe because somehow, that reason is one I can only hold on to. Somehow, having that in mind helps me ease the pain which keeps on growing still.

Ganun naman talaga, hindi ba? Having clueless of everything hurt more. And so, people like me chooses to think of something to keep my sanity intact.

Nakakabaliw kapag wala kang alam at mas nakakalungkot kapag wala kang pinanghahawakan.

Marami akong naging tanong, sa sarili, sa Kaniya. 

I questioned everything simply because I don't understand.

Why does it all have to happen to me? May nagawa kaya akong mali? Ganon ba 'ko kasama para mangyari sa'kin 'to? Pero naging mabuti naman ako, ah.

They said everything happens for a reason and I do believe that. But can I ask for it? May I know what the reason was?

I was 6 years old when my parents passed away. Sa murang edad ay naulila kaagad ako. Iniwan nila ako, ni hindi ko man lang sila nakilala ng lubos. Kuwento lang nila ate ang dahilan para magkaroon ako ideya kung sino sila, kung anong klase ba silang mga magulang. Are they great as what I am imagining? 

If it wasn't just for my sisters being my storyteller, they will remain strangers to me.

Bata pa lamang ako noon. Ni hindi ko na matandaan ang eksaktong nangyari. Nagising na lamang ako at narinig ang mga kapatid na umiiyak dahil... dahil wala na ang mga magulang. That memory isn't even that vivid.

The memory I have with them felt like a dream that's slowly fading as time passes by. Unti-unti ay nawawala na sila sa memorya ko at natatakot ako na darating ang panahon na kahit ang mukha nila ay makakalimutan ko na rin. I have their picture printed and placed inside my wallet, but I am afraid of the time that I'll look at their faces and feel empty, realizing that the connection and even the emotion I used to feel isn't the same like before, that it has far long gone.

Sa pagkawala ng mga magulang, naging malungkot ang dating masigla naming tahanan. Nakikita ko nalang ang mga kapatid na umiiyak o kung hindi naman ay nakatulala. It was traumatizing especially for a kid like me.

"Ate, bakit kayo umiiyak?" Malungkot kong naging tanong sa kanila. I can still remember how I just watched my older sisters cried. I don't know why then, I just realize it slowly while growing.

Dying isn't actually the tragic one, but being left behind by someone who's beyond close to your heart is the real definition tragedy. K

Kasi hindi ba kapag namatay ka wala ka naman nang mararamdaman? Kapag namatay ka hindi ka na masasaktan? Kapag namatay ka malaya ka na sa lahat? Ang makakaranas na lamang ng mga paghihirap at sakit ay yung mga mahal niya sa buhay na naiwan.

They grieved, they probably felt the extreme distress. I know because I've been there. But well, that's for me.

After my parents interment, everything has changed.

"Alagaan mo si Rose, Llana huh?" Naluluhang  bilin ni Ate Vanji. Walang naging tugon si Ate Llana kung hindi mabilis na pagtango kasabay ng mga hikbi habang ako ay nasa gild lang nakaupo at pinapanood sila. 

May mga bagaheng nakalatag sa lapag ng aming maliit na salas na batid kong pag-aari ni Ate Vanji.

"Saan ka pupunta, Ate? Bakit ka umiiyak? Bakit po kayo umiiyak?" I was too young then to even understand what exactly is happening.

Lumapit sa akin si Ate Vanji. Lumuhod siya sa harapan ko at bahagyang inayos ang magulo kong buhok.

"Marose, bunso, magpakabait ka ah? Aalis lang ako. Kailangan kasi... Kailangan ni Ate na magtrabaho. Para yun sa inyo, okay?" Ang maliit kong mga kamay ay hinaplos ang mukha niya, pinunasan ko ito at saka binigyan siya ng ngiti.

"Ate opo, magpakabait po ako. Huwag ka na iiyak, Ate," Sabi ko. "'Di ba sabi mo dati nakakapangit ang pag-iyak?" Dagdag ko na naging dahilan ng marahan niyang pagtawa. 

Nang mga oras na iyon naisip ko na, at least nagawa kong mapatawa ang kapatid. And that's just so satisfying. Pagkatapos ng ilang araw na puro iyak at lungkot lamang ang nakikita ko at nadadama sa kanila, I feel the need to make them feel otherwise and I'm so glad that I did.

After that certain occurence, my sister Vanji went away. She leave us, too like what my Papa and Mama did.

Hinabol ko pa siya noon dahil ayaw ko siyang umalis, ayaw kong malayo siya sa akin pero... pero wala akong nagawa.

Sobrang nasaktan ang bata kong puso. Pakiramdam ko kasi ay ayaw niya kaming makasama kaya nagawa niyang umalis. Naisip ko na napagod siya sa amin, sa akin at pinili na magpakalayo-layo nalang.

Habang lumalaki ay nakaramdam ako ng pag-iisa. Tumira kami sa bahay nila Auntie Rima, nakakasama ko ang mga pinsan, kapiling ko si Ate Llana, pero pakiramdam ko nag-iisa lang ako.

My parents were gone. Ate Vanji left us for work. And Ate Llana isn't fine being with me.

Hindi kami magkasundo ni Ate Llana. I never even dared calling her 'Ate' because maybe I don't feel like she's one for me and I was ashamed, too. Para kasing wala akong karapatan. 

I just know I tried to be closer to her but I only feel like we're not going to be on the same page. She's always irritated just by seeing me. Although, I often laugh about it but inwardly, it actually hurt. 

Siya na nga lang ang pamilya kong nakakasama eh, hindi pa kami magkasundo. Lagi siyang naiinis sa akin, lagi akong tinatarayan at kung hindi naman ay hindi niya ako pinapansin na para bang hindi ako umiiral. I tried so many times to reach out to her but she never seemed to even care.

Umabot pa ako sa puntong pinili ko na lamang na inisin siya at pikonin dahil naisip kong kahit sa ganoong paraan lang ay magawa niya akong pansinin. And it worked. 

Halos araw-araw ay iniinis ko siya. Nagpapapansin ako kapag nakakaramdam ako bigla ng lungkot. Pero hindi alam ni Ate Llana yun. Perhaps, she just know that I am just a piece of annoying spoiled brat.

But Ate Vanji knows. Sinasabi ko sa kaniya kapag nagkakaroon kami ng pagkakataong mag-usap. Sinasabi ko sa kaniya na malungkot ako dahil sa hindi pagpansin ni Ate Llana. Nagsusumbong ako pero hindi iyong sumbong na gaya ng inaakala ni Ate Llana. Sigurado kasi akong ang alam noon ay inerereklamo ko siya palagi kay Ate Van pero hindi. I often tell Ate Vanji that I'm not fine with how Ate Llana has become.

Ate Llana has grown detached with me, with us. Ayoko yung mga ginagawa niya kasi iyon yung dahilan kaya naging malayo ang loob niya sa akin at pati na rin sa mga nakapaligid sa kaniya.

My Ate Llana, she always hide her inner voice, always hide her true colors, she's masking everything and I know it. Bata pa ako pero naiintindihan ko siya, I know my sister more than anybody else. She belong to those people who keeps their feelings to themselves as they believe that others can't understand them, their pain and what they're going through. I observe her everytime and that's that. I may not be a good sister to her, but I know inside of me is love existing specially for her.

Our fights, quarrels, little provocation and hurting one another has been our kind of bonding. At least, that's what I think.

But then, there were times that I just wanted to vanish especially when I feel insignificant. Nakakapagod kapag ganun. Pakiramdam ko wala akong kwenta, hindi ako nakakatulong. So just maybe, I better off gone.

I was just a child longing for love or even just a bit of attention.

Madalas akong naiinggit tuwing may pamilyang nakikita. I always imagine myself having that kind of complete family, at least in my mind I feel happy even when sometimes it's making me sad already by the thought that it wasn't and will never be real.

That's how my life goes, envious of people with having an ideal life, feeling lonely, having a not so good relation with Ate Llana, being away with Ate Vanji... I thought it will remain that way but it does changed.

I just don't understand why the good changes needed something in return.

"Ate Llana... I'm here again." Umupo ako sa harapan niya.

It was one chilly overcast day. I hugged both of my knees as I felt the sudden breeze touching my skin. Ipinikit ko ang mga mata at dinama ang hangin. I don't know but it gave me comfort.

Tinignan ko ang kapatid at saka ngumiti. 

My life is full of tragedies, confusion, chaos, tears, miseries, and suffering. But it helps me learn things and eventually grow.

"It's been years, Ate..."