CHAPTER 6—MOCHA

After Stefan heard that Travis only married him for the company, he felt unlove, a little bit left out but surely hurt. He felt that his husband is only using him for its own sake and he hated himself for letting him to do such. He knew that he shouldn’t feel this way and he shouldn’t blame Travis for the way he got hurt—it`s all his fault for loving a man who isn`t sure on his feelings. 

On the other hand, Travis felt that that he`s starting to lose his wife as it starting to create distance and building a wall between them. Travis also noticed that his wife is being cold towards him which made him uncomfortable. They simply turn into feeling strange and being unfamiliar to each other, again. Indeed, they are starting all over again. 

Ilang araw ang nakalilipas mula nang malaman ni Stefan ang rason ng asawa sa pagpapakasal, nanatiling ganito ang kanilang sitwasyon at kapansin-pansing tila ba hinayaan ng mag-asawa na maging ganito sila. Naisin man nilang pag-usapan kung ano ang nangyayari sa kanila, tila ba sila`y naputulan ng dila tuwing kaharap ang isa`t-isa. Muli, iniiwas na ni Stefan ang kaniyang paningin sa asawa na siya namang napansin ni Travis. 

Instead of trying to fix the issue, they both decided to focus on their job and different things. Travis managed his company but this time, he`s fully in-charge with it. Literally, he`s working 24/7 just to distract himself. Stefan worked for the bar and he often work overtime as he has nothing to do after his shift. Sometimes, he either play his guitar or move his brush just for him to be busy. 

They might not see each other in this set-up but they surely think of each other. Stefan got worried when he saw Travis lying on his desk and seems stressed. Travis also got bothered when he saw that his wife is pushing his self beyond its own capacity and seems starting to be weak. They really wanted to take care of each other but there is just a wall between them stopping to do such. 

Sa sumunod na araw, napagpasyahan ni Stefan na magpahinga muna mula sa trabaho. Alam niyang sa kan`yang gagawin ay magtutugma ang oras nilang dalawa ni Travis ngunit ito ang kan`yang nakikitang paraan para sila ay magkaayos.

Maaga pa ay sinimulan na ni Stefan ang pagluluto ng agahan ngunit laking gulat niya nang hindi man lang ito pinansin ni Travis. Bagaman sinaluhan ni Travis ang kabiyak, tila ba isa itong batang nagtatampo sa magulang na hindi umiimik sa hapag. 

While taking their breakfast, the kitchen was filled with awkwardness and there`s nothing to here except the silence occupying the space. Although Stefan planned well this day, things aren`t just working for him and Travis` strange presence could mess this whole day. Stefan still couldn`t stare at his husband, he can`t even throw a glimpse to him.

Meanwhile, Travis felt happy as Stefan served him again a great breakfast. He wouldn`t deny that this meal in front of him is really salivating but he did his best not to show his admiration to Stefan`s dish. He emotionlessly sat on the chair, took a sip of his coffee, took a bite on his bread, and basically distracted his self through his plate. He did bite after bite and he didn`t give Stefan even a bit of his attention. He quickly took his last bite and left Stefan who is still wondering about him. 

As Travis take his first step out of the condo, he felt guilty for what he did and still questioning himself why he did such thing. 

“God Travis! Bakit mo ginaganyan asawa mo? Do you think hindi siya nasaktan sa pinaggagawa mo‽” saad nito sa sarili habang mabilis na naglalakad tungo sa magarang sasakyan.

As he took his sit on his car, he took a deep breath; hoping it would ease his nerves and somehow lessen the guilt he is feeling. 

Sa ginawa ni Travis, hindi mawari ni Stefan kung ayos na ba silang dalawa o hindi. Sinaluhan nga siya ni Travis ngunit hindi ito umimik na siyang kan`yang ikinalito. Sa pag-alis ni Travis sa condo, agad nilinis ni Stefan ang kanilang tinitirhan, nagbabakasakaling magugustuhan ni Travis ang kan`yang ginagawa. Sa pagtatapos ng kan`yang paglilinis, naisipan niyang dumalaw sa isang café na ilang metro lang ang layo mula sa condo. 

While taking his way to the said café, he can`t help himself not to think about Travis. 

“Bakit gano`n? Hindi niya ako kinausap o binati man lang. Ano kayang nangyayari sa lalaking `yon? Hindi niya siguro nagustuhan ang niluto ko kaso kitang-kita ko naman na parang nagustuhan naman niya, subo nga siya nang subo eh. I can`t get him, maybe he`s doing this for me to take my distance from him.” Malungkot na saad niya sa sarili hanggang sa naalala niya ang kan`yang ginawa. 

“Oh, God! Alam na ba niya na nagpapanggap lang ako bilang babae‽ Alam na ba niya kaya gano`n ang pakikitungo niya sa akin kanina‽” gulat na tanong at saad niya sa sarili.

Kung kanina`y naguguluhan siya sa inasal ng asawa, ngayon naman ay naguluhan at natakot siya sa kan`yang mag iniisip. 

He looks confused now and asking the same question over and over. His questions are like voice of someone continuously following him. Until he found himself standing in front of the café, his occupied mind unconsciously led him to the place he isn`t familiar. This isn`t the café he wanted to visit. His thoughts led him to kept on walking and his feet went beyond the café he wanted. 

He wanted to go back but that would be a kilometer to walk. 

“Maybe this café isn`t that bad, masubukan nga” he said as he enters the café. 

The café is not that gigantic aspect if you`re standing outside but once you enter the said café, it is really cozy as they managed to maximize the given space without sacrificing the aesthetic aspect. The café is totally pleasing on anyone`s eyes; wooden mixed with iron chairs, not so big wooden round tables, and the natural light coming from the huge open window. The walls are also hanged with motivational quotes with simple black frames that blends on the paint well. On the right corner of the café, you`ll see a gigantic mirror—probably to make the café look more spacious than actually it is.

Stefan felt comfort as he took his seat on one of the unoccupied chairs, near the window and far from the other customers. Some minutes passed; Stefan decided to order a cup of Macchiato. Minutes later, other customers occupied the empty seats except the seat in front of Stefan. 

A man in blue polo entered the café and started to roll his gaze¬—searching for a vacant seat. He`s about to leave but he saw this single lady promptly sitting near the window. 

Stefan felt someone is staring at him but he didn`t bother to find that kind of energy. He then flinched when someone called his nickname when he was in high school. A nickname given by someone special. 

“Stef?” saad ng lalaki. 

“E-Elton‽ Ikaw pala `yan!” gulat na saad ni Stefan habang nakatitig sa lalaking kaharap. 

Elton Salazar, Stefan`s ex when he was in high school. He came from the known family, one of the reasons why they hid their relationship a private and secret one. Other reasons are their gender identity that still not accepted by the society, the lack of guts to fight society`s comments, and simply the ugly and shallow society. 

No one knows about their relationship—even Stefan`s sister Eya. Both Elton and Stefan kept their mouth shut about their relationship. They once had the guts to publicize their relationship but it`s all too late. Elton was forced by his parents to study overseas as they discover his relationship to Stefan—a major reason to finally end their love story. 

After years, Elton went back to the Philippines, hoping he`ll see Stefan again and there might still be a chance for the both of them. 

“Yep, it`s been a long time!” sagot nito habang nakangiti.

Elton couldn`t help himself but to smile as he saw again the love of his life. 

“May I?” tanong ni Elton habang tinutungo ang bakanteng upuan na nasa harapan ni Stefan. 

“Yes, sure! Take a seat please” mabilisang sagot nito sa lalaking minsan niyang minahal. 

As Elton take his seat, he was stunned by Stefan`s beauty—he is once pretty that turned into a gorgeous one.

“Kumusta na? Tagal din nating hindi nag-usap” saad ni Elton habang prenteng nakatitig sa kausap. 

“A-Ayos lang, how about you?” tugon ni Stefan at sa `di mawaring kadahilanang, bigla itong nautal. 

Umayos ka nga Stefan! Si Elton lang `yan! Act normal!—saad nito sa isipan.

“Just like you, I`m all good” saad nito habang bahagyang tumatango sa pagsagot.

Sa pagbitaw niya ng mga salitang iyon, nabalot ng katahimikan ang kanilang kinauupuan. Iniwas ni Stefan ang kan`yang tingin at ibinaling ito sa labas habang inikot naman ni Elton ang paningin sa café na kanilang kinaroroonan. Tila ba estranghero ang dalawa sa isa`t-isa at hindi nila makausap nang maayos ang bawat isa. 

“Here`s your coffee, ma`am” saad ng isang babae habang nilalapag ang bandehado sa mesa. 

“Thank you!” saad ni Stefan at nakatanggap lamang siya ng isang matamis na ngiti mula sa babaeng ngayon ay tinatalikuran na. 

“Ma`am? Are they aware na lalaki ka? I mean, yes, you really have the face of a woman but…” usisa nito ngunit siya ay napatigil nang magawi ang mga mata sa bihis ni Stefan. 

“Kaya naman pala, pati bihis mo pambabae na” saad nito at isinandal ang sarili sa upuan. 

Stefan felt ashamed on what he is wearing. He`s about to say the whole truth; what happened and why this thing happened. He then shook his head saying not today, this isn`t the right time to tell anyone about this. 

“Ahm, I just want to show who and what really I am and this is the best way for me to express myself” saad nito habang nakangiti. 

Alam niya sa sarili niya na walang bahid ng katotohanan ang mga sinambit niya dahil una, hindi naman niya hilig ang mga pambabaeng damit. Ikalawa, wala siyang lakas ng loob para ipakita kung sino at ano siya. Kaniya lamang itong sinabi para mapaniwala si Elton na kan`ya namang matagumpay na naisagawa. 

Muli, nabalot ng katahimikan ang kanilang kinauupuan at prente lamang silang nakatitig sa isa`t-isa. Dito na napansin ni Stefan ang sugat sa kaliwang braso ni Elton. 

“Napa`no `yan?” tanong ni Stefan habang itinuturo ang kaliwang braso ng lalaki. 

“Ah, no`ng isang araw kasi, my lumipad na bato sa `kin. Kung sino man `yong naghagis ng batong `yon, may galit siya sa mundo HAHAHA” sagot nito habang tumatawa. Uri ng tunog na matagal niyang hindi nagawa buhat na rin ng sakit na nadarama sa kanilang hiwalayan. 

Nang marinig ni Stefan ang kasagutan ni Elton, napainom na lamang ito ng kape. Mukhang si Elton ang lalaking sumigaw nang kan`yang sipain ang nananahimik na bato sa daan. 

“Here`s your cup of Cappuccino, sir” saad ng isang babae.

“Oh, you`re still drinking the same coffee, hindi ka ba nagpalit?” usisa ni Stefan.

“Thank you, miss!” saad nito sa babaeng ginantihan lamang siya ng kape. Ibinaling ni Elton ang kaniyang paningin kay Stefan at sinagot ang kan`yang katanungan. 

“Hindi naman lahat ay dapat baguhin” tipid na sagot nito na naging dahilan ng kanilang pananahimik. 

“You know Stef, aaminin kong naninibago ako sa `yo. Sa pananalita mo, sa itsura mo, sa bihis mo, pero…” Elton cuts his sentence as he almost confessed that he`s still into Stefan. 

“Pero?” pagpapatuloy ni Stefan habang prenteng nakatitig sa lalaki. 

“Pero alam kong ikaw pa rin ang Stefan na nakilala ko” pagpapatuloy nito. 

“We can`t prevent some things from changing, it`s only the permanent thing in the world anyway” pagmamatuwid ni Stefan. 

They started their conversation in minutes that turned into hours. They did nothing but to exchange dialogues. They spent hours sitting together, they barely laugh as they talked about personal things. 

Simula nang ang dalawa ay naghiwalay, maraming pangyayari ang kanilang nakaharap na naging dahilan ng kanilang pagbabago. Ang pagiging matatag ni Elton nang siya ay mag-isa sa ibang bansa. Ang katauhan ni Stefan, ang literal niyang pagbabago bilang Steffia. Ang kanilang pagiging estranghero sa isa`t-isa. Tunay ngang malalaman mong nagbago ka sa panahong nakita mong muli ang isang tao mula sa nakaraan. 

Stefan`s phone caught his attention as a new message arrived. 

“I`m home” as the text message said. 

Laking gulat ni Stefan nang makita kung kanino nagmula ang nasabing mensahe. Dali-dali niyang inayos ang sarili at nagpaalam na kay Elton. Kaniyang tinungo ang kahera pagkatapos niyang mag-ayos. 

“Ate, `yong cake po na inorder ko for take-out, `yong Mocha” saad nito na agad namang iniabot ng kahera. 

“Still Mocha?” usisa ni Elton at bahagyang napakunot ng noo. 

“Sabi mo nga ‘hindi naman lahat ay dapat baguhin’” sagot nito habang nakangiti. 

“Mauna na ako ah, see you around” saad nito at tuluyang nilisan ang café. 

“Hindi naman lahat ay dapat baguhin and so you are” saad ni Elton sa sarili habang sinusundan ng tingin ang paalis na si Stefan. 

Mula sa malaking bintana, nagbitaw ng matamis na ngiti si Stefan at tuluyan nang naglaho sa paningin ni Elton. 

Mabilis na naglakad si Stefan pauwi kaya agad niyang natungo ang condo ni Travis. Humahangos siya nang pasukin ang condo ngunit nagawa pa rin nitong maging presentable. 

“Travis? Ano `yon‽” pag-aalalang tanong Stefan habang ibinababa ang gamit. Sunod niyang ipinasok sa fridge ang cake. 

Coming from the room, Travis looks upset as he faced his wife.

“What took you so long‽ Where have you been‽ Alam mo bang kanina pa ako dito‽’ sunod-sunod na tanong ni Travis. Hindi agad nakasagot si Stefan, tila ba naninibago siya nang muli siyang kausapin ng asawa. 

“Dumaan lang po sa café at nakita ko `yong dati kong kaibigan kaya napasarap kwentuhan” sagot nito habang unti-unting nillapitang ang asawa. 

“Lalaki ba `yon‽” walang emosyong usisa ni Travis. 

“Ahm… oo” sagot ni Stefan at napayuko na lamang. 

 “Sa susunod, ako lang dapat kasama mo sa café na `yon ah. Nakita ko kayo kanina, ang ganda ng ngiti mo habang kausap siya!” saad ni Travis na ikinagulat ni Stefan. 

“Ha? Bakit? Nagseselos ka ba?” saad ni Stefan na bahagyang natatawa. 

“Oo… Hindi!” mabilis na sagot ni Travis habang umiiling. 

Bahagyang napatawa si Stefan sa naging kasagutan ni Travis na hanggang ngayon ay pinagpipilitang hindi siya nagseselos. 

“Sabi nang hindi eh, bahala ka na nga d`yan” saad ni Travis at muling tinungo ang kwarto. 

Gano`n man ang naging usapan ng mag-asawa, nakuha pa rin niyang maging masaya bagkus, ito na marahil ang simula ng kanilang pagkakaayos. 

Kinabukasan, makikita si Stefan sa lugar kung saan siya madalas magpalipas ng oras—sa isang bakanteng kuwarto na walang laman. Dito, kan`yang nilaro ang gitarang minsan na niyang natugtog. 

“Windows swung right open, autumn air“

“Jacket 'round my shoulders is yours“ 

“We bless the rains on Cornelia Street“

“Memorize the creaks in the floor“

“Back when we were card sharks, playing games“

“I thought you were leading me on“

“I packed my bags, left Cornelia Street“

“Before you even knew I was gone“ he sang as the guitar started to produce sounds. 

“But then you called, showed your hand“

“I turned around before I hit the tunnel“

“Sat on the roof, you and I“ he continued and closed his eyes, feeling the lyrics of the song. 

“I hope I never lose you, hope it never ends“

“I'd never walk Cornelia Street again“

“That's the kind of heartbreak time could never mend“

“I'd never walk Cornelia Street again“ he uttered as his voice started to tremble as he remember his husband Travis. 

“And baby, I get mystified by how this city screams your name“

“And baby, I'm so terrified of if you ever walk away“

“I'd never walk Cornelia Street again“ he sang at the top of his lungs while trying his tears not to fall. He focused on his voice but he failed as a tear came out from his eyes. 

Sa huling paggalaw ng kan`yang mga daliri sa gitara, sumagi sa isipan ni Stefan ang cake na kan`ya lamang iniwan sa fridge. Ngunit bago pa man niya matungo ang fridge, prenteng nakatayo si Travis sa pintuan at mukhang kanino pa nakatitig kay Stefan habang ito`y umaawit.  

“Good morning, sweetie! Masarap `tong cake ah, sa`n mo `to nabili?” saad ni Travis habang sinusubo ang huling kutsara.

Nakatingin lamang nang masama si Stefan sa kan`ya at dali-daling kinuha ang walis tambong nasa tabi. Hinabol ni Stefan si Travis at sila`y nagpaikot-ikot sa loob ng condo. Hanggang sa ikulong ni Travis ang nagwawalang asawa sa kan`yang mga braso.

“Iyong cake ko!” saad ni Stefan. Sa kan`yang pananalita, makikita ang kagustuhang makakain ng cake. 

“Shh, I prepared something for you” pagpapakalma ni Travis sa asawa. 

Kanilang tinungo ang kusina kung saan ay may nakahandang almusal. 

“I did my best pero `yan lang talaga nakayanan ko” he said while removing the lid covering the plate. In the plate, it says “I`m sorry.” 

“I know I`ve been a jerk these past few days and trust me, Steffia, I`m really sorry for what I`ve done” saad nito sa kabiyak at hinalikan sa noo. 

Walang ibang nagawa si Stefan kun`di yakapin ang asawa. Kita sa mata ni Travis ang kan`yang kagustuhang magkaayos sila na siya rin namang hangad ni Stefan.

Stefan hugged his husband and he placed his face in Travis`. He rubbed his nose against Travis` and drew a curve on his lips. Out of Travis` happiness, he unconsciously kissed Stefan`s lips which made Stefan speechless. 

Both of them got shocked for what Travis did. Because of shame, Travis left Stefan dumbfounded and headed to their bedroom. 

Travis locked the door and thought of what he just did. He jumped on the bed and rolled over like a child, covering his whole body with his white blanket. 

On the other hand, Stefan can`t believe for what his husband did. He doesn`t know why instead of being angry, he felt happy. A curve drew on his face as he touched his lips. 

“Malambot mga labi niya pero ba`t lasang Mocha yawa!” he said.