Sofia Adams - March, 2012
I used to hate airplanes. I had such a dread that I couldn't fit it in myself. But here I was, crammed into one about to take off towards Las Vegas. Luckily for me it was only a few hours flight. I could handle it, right? I heard the turbines start to gain strength and the plane shudder as it prepared to take off. God in heaven, somebody get me out of here! I took a deep breath and squeezed Anne's hand that was beside me and she smiled at me. Tom was fast asleep next to her and we hadn't even boarded five minutes ago. How could he do it? Anne, practical as always, made sure that we got the middle seats on the plane, so that the three of us could sit together without having to separate. I thanked her internally for this, if I had been alone on a plane I would have freaked out a long time ago and tried to get out, even if only by flushing. I started thinking about our first trip to Vegas in an attempt to distract myself from the growing panic in the pit of my stomach. Thank goodness it was a road trip. I remember us spending hours on the road laughing and doing music rotation. It was the last time that the whole gang got together for real. We spent an unforgettable week together. If I closed my eyes, I could still feel the feeling of the wind on my face to the sound of the Backstreet Boys, Anne's choice, obviously she was in that Backstreet Boys worship phase. I turned my mind back to the present as I remembered one detail.“Where will we stay this time?” I asked. “Hey, the same place as before," Anne answered calmly. I immediately stiffened. Not that cursed place. “Can't we stay somewhere else?” I asked in a shaky voice. Anne, who until then had been leafing through a magazine, looked up at me. Her gaze was questioning, but she decided to let it go. “Of course we can," she answered finally, and I breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank you," I murmured softly, and turned to the other side without allowing room for further conversation. Anne didn't know what that trip meant to me. I never told her. Sometimes I even pretended it never happened. Of course most of the trip was a dream, we went to lots of parties, spas, casinos. We enjoyed everything that adulthood could offer us. Tom got so drunk one night that he fell into a fountain in the center of town. Anne went to help and fell in before she could even offer her hand, as I said, she was terrible at drinking. All I know is that in the end we were all thrown out of the fountain by some guards who were patrolling the area. It was a remarkable night in many ways. I was anxious all the flight waiting for the moment when they would announce that I was finally back on dry land... By the time that moment came, I had already had five cups of tea and proved that there is no escape from the flush. We left that Satan machine and went straight to the city center to look for a decent hotel. I could see out the cab window the same hotel that we stayed in seven years ago. It was still exactly the same. I looked up at the roof, I had so many bittersweet memories.Anne typed furiously on her cell phone while Tom busied himself with annoying me to pass the time. Great news. I was distracted looking at the streets of Vegas when I felt another jab on the back of my head and turned around furiously. “I swear that if you do that again I will rip your fingers off," I shouted at Tom who just smiled and pretended that it was none of his business. “Will you two stop it?” Anne asked angrily. “She started it," grumbled Tom, that lying bastard. I waited for Anne to go back to her cell phone and pinched Tom on the arm. Abusive kid. “Oh, sunshine, that hurt," he complained while rubbing his blouse. Grandma's dog got a nickname, and consequently, so did I. Sometimes I wondered why I didn't have a nickname for her. Sometimes I wondered why I didn't poison Tom as a child. It would have been so much easier than now. “Anne, control your husband's animal before I throw it out the window and abandon it in this city jungle," I asked. Tom snorted, "Jeez, Sofia, even in Vegas your mood doesn't improve.” I would never be able to fully relax in Vegas. Anne made us go to a bunch of hotels, none of them were good enough, there was always something wrong, although they all looked great to me. I was already tired when we entered the fifth and her eyes sparkled. “This is the one," Anne decreed, already heading to the counter to ask for two rooms. “Really? This one? What's so special about this one? Is it better than the others?” I asked. But actually, this one was a little worse, it was old and they were renovating the lobby. There was dust and debris. “It has... Personality," Anne answered simply. I was so tired that I didn't question it. I just wanted a warm bed and the sweet sleep lulling me to sleep. So when everything was settled I went straight to my room, we had two weeks to enjoy, Vegas wasn't going to run off while I took a nap. ***[Flashback on] Sitting on the floor of the roof, wrapped in a blanket watching the sunrise I realized that I was right when I imagined that the view from here must be breathtaking. I was so absorbed that I didn't notice the movement around me until I heard his voice. “I am impressed, you have never been a morning person” Ethan. It was always Ethan. “Have you been following me?” I asked without looking at him yet. I wanted to stare at the sun as long as I could. “I'll always find you, Sofia," he answered seriously, and then his voice took on a playful tone, "That and you're not exactly the queen of silence," he sneered, "I could hear you stumbling down the hall and swearing as you left the room.” I turned to find Ethan standing on the fire escape, arms crossed over his broad chest wearing simple pajama pants and a gray cotton T-shirt. I rarely noticed Ethan when I was younger, I only liked him because he was my friend Ethan, but my God, how blind I was. He had gotten so tall, taller than any of us, his absurdly dark, silky black hair always at shoulder height, and his strong, structured body. And the most important of all, his eyes. Deep brown ones that seemed to hold all the answers I wanted. He was beautiful. I smiled and opened my blanket, inviting him in. Ethan arched an eyebrow, and I foolishly tried to imitate his gesture, which came out more like a grimace. He smiled at my pathetic attempt and finally came over to join me. He smelled of clean clothes and male deodorant. “I guess I'm no good at being queen of silence... Or anything” I shrugged, trying to detach myself from what was haunting me. “So that's the reason... I knew you wouldn't wake up so early for nothing...” He clarified. Here we go. “What are you going to do now, Sofia?” he asked. This time I grimaced voluntarily. “Only you could think of such things on a joyride in Vegas," I pointed around emphasizing, "You do realize that we're in Vegas, right?” “Of course I realize it, your performance last night at the club left no doubt about it," Ethan pushed my shoulder playfully. I closed my eyes tightly trying to push away the memories of last night. Oh my God, the club. If there was one thing I had regretted since we arrived two days ago, it was that night. I was trying to get Ethan's attention anyway, went out dancing on a table, and fell on my ass in less than a minute. It was so embarrassing!“Great show, huh?” I laughed nervously, looking away. Ethan smiled in response, his eyes crinkling at the corners with the movement. “You betcha” Then he placed his hand on my cheek, automatically drawing my attention to his face. His hand was soft and warm against my skin, a feeling so good it was making my heart race. I held my breath nervously. “Don't run away from the subject, pequeña. School's out, now what?” he asked again. Pequeña. He hadn't called me that since we were kids. Ethan's family was Hispanic, so he hadn't inherited the accent because he was born on American soil, but some expressions he let slip. This was one of my favorites. It sounded so sweet coming from him. So... sweet. After so many years of not hearing him call me this I thought I had forgotten, but here he was stirring my emotions again. Ethan was waiting for an answer to a question I had been avoiding.As if it wasn't bad enough that my parents were pressuring me. The rest of the class knew exactly what they wanted, Anne was even getting a bunch of letters of admission to law schools with scholarships. But me? I was terrified that I had no idea what I wanted. I could make a joke to get away from the question like I did with everyone else, but not Ethan. He knew better than that. So I answered as truthfully as I could. I don’t know” And in those three words I put all my despair and frustration. Ethan looked at me long and hard, piercing me with his eyes. He seemed to read everything through me. This was one of the things we had that I couldn't explain. Ethan and I talked to each other with our eyes. Finally, with all the gentleness in the world, he kissed my forehead and murmured with his lips still against my skin: “You'll figure it out. I know you will.” After that we just stood there watching the sun grow and shine in silence.Little by little, as if it wanted to prolong our moment, as if it was being born exclusively for us, the light was touching every building and construction. The rays stretching out.It wasn't until the sun was high in the sky that we got up to leave. There, I knew for sure, I loved Ethan deeply. [Flashback off] *** I woke up sweaty in my bed, confused between dream and reality. The memory still vivid in my head as strong as the sunlight was that morning. My hands burned; I must have rubbed them in my sleep. I looked around at those unfamiliar walls longing for my home. I had barely arrived in that place and it was already stirring me. It was still eleven o'clock in the morning, but my numb body and agitated mind knew what they needed. I needed a drink.***Pequeña - Little girl.Sofia Adams - March, 2012It was funny how everywhere I went I knew how to find my way around alcohol like no one else. I think my body sniffed the drink, like a super power. I was the Super Drunk.Shit, I think it was already working.I looked to the side and saw a very familiar blonde hair, apparently Anne was sniffing the smell of fun just so she could interrupt. She was Super Righteous.“Kind of early to be drinking, don't you think?” Anne asked, sitting next to me at the bar.“A little early for a lecture, don't you think?” I returned the compliment and then took another sip from my glass. Anne, as well-behaved as ever, ordered an orange juice.“Soso, it's half past eleven in the morning, what are you doing?” she asked.I sighed.“I had a bad dream. This place brings back too many memories," I whispered, rubbing my arms. Saying the words out loud only made it more real.After a minute of silence in which Anne looked intently at the welts on my skin, she spoke up.“I understand,"
Sofia Adams - March, 2012He was here. I blinked dazedly, taken by shock. It was him right here, in front of me looking at me with mysterious, questioning eyes.Years ago I could tell exactly what he was thinking by the soft curve of his lip or the slight twinkle in his eyes.But not today. He had become a stranger to me.Everything about him was different. I remember he loved to wear plaid flannel shirts, he said it was comfortable, and with his longer hair I used to call him a lumberjack, it suited him.I stared at his formal suit, his short, perfectly cut hair, and his Italian shoes. His posture was tired, as if he carried too much weight every day. His voice was cold, and his eyes... His eyes had no more warmth. So this was what he had become?I couldn't keep looking at him, not after all that had happened.“Did you have something to do with this?” I demanded Anne to avoid him as much as possible. She looked as surprised as I was, but it was Anne, after all.“No, I don't," she ans
Ethan Hernandez - July, 2003It was Sofia's sixteenth birthday. She looked so beautiful that I could do nothing but stare at her. I had gone away from college this weekend just for her party. Any other girl would be wearing a princess dress to her debutante party.But not mi pequeña. No, not her.Sofia wore a dress that instead of making her look like a princess made her look like a queen. It was flowing and hugged her body that was blooming and showing.Sofia had let her hair grow out since she last cut it at the age of twelve in a weird punk fashion, now it was long and thick and wild. And I couldn't stop thinking about what it would be like to run my fingers through it.Sofia was growing up to be the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.And I wasn't the only one to notice.Lately Nick only knew how to talk about her all the time, I think my best friend and I were in love with the same girl. And this made me sad. Whoever Sofia chose to stay with, our friendship would suffer damage
Sofia Adams - March, 2012I was having coffee with Anne and Tom in a coffee shop around the corner from the hotel.Ever since I learned that the devil himself was there, I had avoided being there as much as possible as well.“So, how have you been coping with everything?” Anne asked, as worried as ever.I played dumb.“With everything what? I'm fine, which club are we going to tonight?” I asked, smiling falsely. Anne sighed.“Okay, Anne doesn't want to push you, but I don't care, what the hell was that with Hernandez in the lobby?” Tom asked. “Anne told me that you had some kind of fight years ago and he sort of abandoned us all these years, I would have punched him myself if Anne would have let me, but damn, you looked like you were about to kill the guy”“Lucky for him I didn't” I said quietly just as a car honked nonstop across the street.Tom was still waiting for an answer and this time it was me who sighed.“He wasn't there Tom, he wasn't. We needed him. I needed him. And he was
Ethan Hernandez - March, 2012I look at the rain from my bedroom window with my thoughts far away. I was thinking about her. It was always her.Every year when I came home I would find a different Sofia. I saw when she was a pest child who was always in trouble and I would take it upon myself to take over her mess. I saw her grow into a rebellious teenager using me as a ladder to escape through her bedroom window.I knew she would run away anyway, I just helped her out so she wouldn't end up twisting a foot trying to get away from her parents to some party. And then I watched her become a woman. And this was the most difficult transformation, because I couldn't be by her side. I had to watch from afar as she walked into adulthood without me.I put my head against the glass and closed my eyes remembering when I saw her again after all these years. If 18 year old Sofia was already tormenting me, this 25 year old Sofia was to finish me off for good. She looked so beautiful that I had no
Ethan Hernandez - December, 2005Sofia and I kissed in the fountain two hours ago and I was in my bed, bathed too anxious to get to sleep. The next time we talked I was going to declare myself. I was going to tell her all about my feelings. She was 18 now, there was nothing wrong with how I felt anymore, and if she wanted me to, I would ask her to be my girlfriend. Hell, I could see myself marrying that girl.I heard knocking at the door and imagined it was Nick's drunk ass coming to disturb me. He was a big crybaby when he was drinking.I opened the door and was surprised to see Sofia in her pajamas and wet hair looking embarrassed. I arched an eyebrow, knowing how much that gesture annoyed her.“I couldn't sleep” she said dullly. I smiled at that. I opened the door, making room for her to enter. Sofia settled down on my bed between the sheets cross-legged and pulled the pillow to her face. Was she smelling it?Sofia seemed to notice me watching her and pulled the pillow down with a b
Sofia Adams - March, 2012“Sofia?” I heard Ethan's voice calling me but I couldn't think of anything. All I could think about was that night and all it meant to all of us. I couldn't believe it.“Was Nick sick?” I asked, still confused. This couldn't be possible.Ethan's expression changed from concerned to disbelieving in a second adding to my confusion.“He didn't tell you? Even after all these years? Even after you...” he asked, shocked.“No," I cut him off before he could finish his sentence.Now it all made sense. The way Ethan acted, how Nick had always been so eager to live through everything these past few years. The weakness, the bad memory, and how he always got tired so fast.My God, all the signs were there. I couldn't bear not to have seen it.“Sofia?” Ethan touched my hug and I immediately pulled away angrily. He could have avoided this if he had told me. They both could have. And since Nick wasn't with me Ethan became the target of the poison that came next.“I thought
Sofia Adams - March, 2012I was at an impasse. I promised Anne I wouldn't drink, but just thinking about facing this sober I was starting to break out in a cold sweat. How would I do that?I stopped in the lobby of the hotel, not sure what to do. I could turn right and take the corridor towards the bar or I could go to the front desk and ask for Ethan's number.I had erased it from my cell phone and my memory the last time I expected him to show up and he didn't come.I looked once more down the hall to the right taking a step in that direction. I hadn't promised pinkie, but I knew how disappointed Anne would be if she knew I had lied to her.It was that thought that made me step back and head for the reception desk. For today, I would do things the hard way, but the right way.“Excuse me, could you give me Ethan Hernandez's number? He is working on the renovation of this hotel," I informed the blonde in front of me with my best imploring smile.She stared at me for a second before si
Sofia Hernandez - January, 2022I enter her room desperate not to see what I wanted. I try to contain the panic, while my logical side screams that she's only been missing for a few minutes.My cellphone beeps."I found her, she's in the tree."I exhale in relief and head straight to the garden. Up high, proudly standing, is my treehouse reminiscent of another life.I climb the stairs, which are sturdier than ever after the renovation five years ago.I hear her carefree laughter before seeing her face. "I'm sure it's not written like that, Daddy."My little girl looks at the book resting on her lap while her back is supported against Ethan's chest.- "Don't blame me, blame the book. It's right here," Ethan points to a passage on the page, laughing.Her childish face contorts into a grimace, and I know she won't stop until she gets the answer she wants."No, Daddy, that's not right. That word isn't "stinky" I know what stinky means, and it's not that," she responds, looking into his e
Ethan Hernandez - May, 2014As I embarked on my journey around the world, I thought of Sofia every day.We kept sporadic contact through messages, just checking in on each other. Every time I receive a message from her, my heart fills with joy. She seemed to be doing well, having landed a job as a primary school teacher near her home, and most importantly, she was sober.While traveling, I meet incredible people, visit fascinating places, and delve deeper into my career as an architect. But in every new location, there's an emptiness, a void that only Sofia's presence can fill.Two years quickly pass by.I look at my latest project nearing completion. A beachfront vacation home in Lanikai.This was the last house I would work on in the renovation of the friends Mr. Miller referred me to.After that, a position as a university professor awaited me in Chicago, my hometown, where my family lived.I was eager to live near my mother and sisters again, but I'd be lying if I said that the ca
Sofia Adams - May, 2012Entering the house where I lived with Nick feels strange because it seems like a lifetime ago that I was here, not just two months. I gather all the cleaning supplies, garbage bags, and boxes that I will need.Entering our bedroom is like being hit by a million memories all at once, including our last fight. Nevertheless, I stay strong and begin to clean. I carefully fold and store Nick's clothes that will be donated, pack away items I don't want to get rid of, and items that I know his parents would want.After everything is sorted and sealed, I start cleaning the room. I change the sheets, take out the trash, and I even find the empty box of the pregnancy test from that night. It was never a possibility, and I feel sad for the children I never had with him. But it's a sadness that I now know I can bear, and I can do it all without alcohol.I call Anne. I hear her sleepy "hello" from the other end of the line; I think I woke her up."I'm in my room," I say aft
Sofia Adams - April, 2012Spending ten days with Ethan, fully aware of my feelings, was almost magical. Whenever his work allowed, every minute was spent together. We visited every tourist spot in the city, went back to the Ferris wheel, talked on the rooftop until dawn. It was like how we used to be. Him and me in our own little bubble, stealing kisses here and there. It almost made me want to give up everything and follow him around the world. Almost. But here I was, sitting by the fountain one last time, looking at Ethan waiting for me.April is coming to an end, and so is our deadline."Have you made up your mind?" I ask, gazing at the undisturbed water. I tap my fingers, creating small ripples.Ethan touches his fingers to mine through the water."I've thought about it a lot, and I'm going to follow your suggestion... I'm going to accept. I've talked to my family, and in a month, I'll have a week off to visit them. For now, Hong Kong is my next destination," he says, taking a dee
Ethan Hernandez - April, 2012A long time passes without a response, and I offer another option."Or not, I can decline the offer, and we can go back to Chicago," I suggest.Sofia raises her head, and I see her eyes shimmering with unshed tears."We? Ethan, it's not your obligation to take care of me," she says, sounding slightly offended.It wasn't my intention to offend her with this conversation. We slowly resume walking aimlessly."I know that, I just want to," I say nonchalantly. I can't make a big deal out of it, or Sofia will run away.Sofia sighs."But I don't want that, and I don't think it's what I need right now," she firmly responds.Suddenly, I feel guilty. It seems like this conversation isn't going as I planned."But..." Before I can argue, she interrupts me."Look, Ethan, I appreciate the invitation. I really do, but I need to decline while you need to accept this offer," she says.I look at her confused; if I accept, the chances of us seeing each other will be almost
Ethan Hernandez - April, 2012Mr. Miller sent me another message asking if I accepted the offer.I send the following reply:"I'm still thinking, Sir. I promise to have an answer by May 1st."My phone immediately beeps."It will be two years traveling the world, Hernandez. You're young, you can make the most of this personal and professional experience. If it makes you more comfortable, I'm sure the costs of an additional traveler can be covered. Maybe that pretty friend of yours could go with you? ;)"I laugh at the message. Who would have thought my boss would play cupid. It's not the first time he suggests it; he's very generous.It would be a lie if I said that whenever the subject comes up, I don't stop to think. And to have a little hope.If Sofia were to come with me, traveling around and exploring places. Just the two of us enjoying our lives. It would be a dream.Before my mind wanders too much, I pull myself back to reality.Sofia is still slowly overcoming Nick's death. Sof
Sofia Adams - April, 2012I leave the meeting room with Kate in tow and find Ethan outside. For a moment, I forgot about our dinner."What's wrong?" he asks, already sensing that something isn't right."Jones didn't come. He's not responding or answering, and we think he's in a bad state," I reply, without mentioning his sister's possible birthday. It's not my story to tell."Where do you think he could be?" Kate asks."We could check his nightclub..." I reply uncertainly. Those environments were always challenging for a recovering alcoholic. There's plenty of alcohol available and reminders of the old life.Kate sighs, understanding my dilemma."I can go in there and look for him," Ethan suggests, seeing our distress.We breathe a sigh of relief."Yes!" Kate exclaims, already heading towards the exit.We arrive at the nightclub and wait outside while Ethan goes in.Some people are outside with their bottles in hand, chatting and having fun."Do you miss it?" I ask. Sometimes, I feel
Sofia Adams - April, 2012I stare at Anne, unable to believe what she's saying."I'm just saying she's changed. Maggie isn't the horrible teenager she used to be," she defends."Whatever, I'm just grateful she doesn't live here with her parents. I don't need to see her, and she doesn't need to see me. Everyone's happy," I respond, annoyed."Is this about Ethan?" Anne asks, adjusting herself on the bed in the room where she's staying at Tom's aunt and uncle's house."What? Of course not," I reply, avoiding eye contact and twisting the sheets on the bed with my fingers. "I've already gotten over that silly relationship they had. I've forgotten about it, and she was his first, that's all in the past.""I can see that," Anne responds, smiling at me.I caress her protruding belly."So, have you found out what it is yet?" I ask, changing the subject.Anne looks thoughtful."Well, unless I give birth to a pumpkin, I believe it's a baby," Anne responds seriously.I laugh at her terrible joke.
Sofia Adams - April 2012We walk through the streets of Las Vegas."Is the fourth step still keeping you up at night?" Ethan brings up our conversation again."I just don't understand what there is to evaluate. I did bad things, got it, next step," I say exasperatedly.Ethan laughs."I don't think it's that simple, Sofia..." We stop at a familiar park since we've come here a few times to talk."Tell me the complete step," Ethan requests, sitting on one of the plastic benches. I sit beside him."The fourth step: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. We were given instincts for a reason," I repeat.Ethan gazes into the horizon."Since these meetings started, I've been researching about it. The fourth step seems to be one of the hardest, and seeing you, I understand the difficulty. I think your main obstacle is not understanding why it's so important," Ethan says. I don't know how to feel when I hear that Ethan researched the twelve steps for me. It's confusing."Th