Chapter 3

I am inside of the CAS main library, the College of Arts and Science Library. Hindi katulad sa library na pinuntahan ko noong isang linggo, mas gusto ko dito dahil napakaganda ng ambiance. There's a lot of students here too. And that makes me feel more nervous. Some of them are busy but almost everyone are looking at me. Watching me intently as if I'll do anything wrong. Itinungo ko ang aking ulo at pumunta sa malayong lamesa. The table was hidden from the other student. Hindi masyadong inuupuan. I mean it's far away from the other students.

And here we go again, hay.

From the very beginning, no one wants to talk to me. Ever since I'm young, people treated me like this, because they thought that I'm not like them. Well, I think of that too. Who would want to be friends with a person like me? I have a disorder and just a few people understand it. Hindi ko alam kung anong mali sa akin bukod sa paraan ng pagsasalita ko. I mean, I'm okay. Wala naman akong nakakahawang sakit. But why do people treat me like this? Why do I treat myself like this?

My mother said before that I should just understand them. And that's what I'm doing right now. Instead of fighting them back, I just stayed silent. I like it that way. I don't have the guts to fight back, anyway. People often call me a weakling. Because that's what I really am.

Natigil ako sa pagbabasa ng makarinig ng malakas ng pag-uusap. I have this thing, na mabilis akong madistract sa kahit anong bagay.

"Jeanne, did you hear the news?"

"What news?" Nakita ko ang isang maliit na babae. She's busy playing games on her phone.

"The triplets are going to have a party in June."

"That's five months away from now, medyo matagal pa."

"But, really? I mean hindi ba iyan rumor lang like before?"

"Yes, totoo na ito this time. And I also heard that every student here in San Beda University is invited."

"Is that even possible? I mean masyadong marami ang estudyante dito sa SAU."

"Girl, hindi naman lahat ng estudyante ay available. And, hello, we're talking about Galdevero triplets. Parang hindi niyo naman alam kung gaano kayaman ang triplets na iyon."

"Oh yeah, that's right. But what was the party for?"

"It was a celebration, for Azel, malapit na bar examination niya e. I think it's in July."

"Oh? It's a good luck party then."

"Sort of," the girl shrugged but I can see that she's excited about this party they're talking about.

Wala sa sarili akong ngumiti ng mapait. Everyone's invited, except for me. I bit my lower lip and shook my head off gently before continuing to read the book of arts.

As I start reading the book, something flashes on my mind. Iwinaglit ko iyon sa aking isipan. Why would I think about that thing? But I just can't stop myself on thinking about the guy that I helped last week. I wonder where he is right now. Hindi ko aakalain na aalis siya agad ng walang pasabi. Pero bukod doon ay hindi pa rin nawawala sa isip ko ang takot na nararamdaman ko sa tuwing naalala ko ang lalaking tinulungan ko noon.

Bumuga ako ng hangin at inalis iyon sa aking isipan. I should stop thinking about that guy. He can take care of himself. At sana lang ay hindi na muling magkrus pa ang landas naming dalawa. Hanggang ngayon kasi ay hindi ko maialis sa aking isipan ang nangyari noong gabing iyon. It's keep creeping my mind out.

Wala sa sarili akong napahawak sa aking leeg kung saan siya nag-iwan ng marka. The wound heals but it left a scar. Ang mariing kagat niya roon ay nag-iwan ng marka. And it's actually giving me chills, cause I keep thinking about it. It was like he leave a mark there to make me feel like he owns me. At hindi ko alam ang mararamdaman ko dahil doon, naroon pa rin ang takot.

Matapos kong magbasa ay agad akong pumunta sa next class ko. But my mind is absentminded, I don't even know what the professor is talking about. I was just looking at her like I'm really listening but the truth is I'm not. Lumilipad pa rin ang isipan ko sa lalaking iyon. His face keeps flashing on my mind. But why?

"Okay, see you when I see you, class."

Everybody greeted her goodbye. I just stood up and bow my head as a sign of respect. I can't talk. Well, I can but I couldn't.

Muli akong pumunta ng College of Arts and Science library. Pero habang naglalakad ako patungo roon ay hindi sinasadyang makarinig ako ng pag-uusap.

"What is it this time Nazarel?"

Nanlaki ang mata ko ng marinig ko ang napakapamilyar na mababang tinig ng boses. Galing iyon sa lalaking tinulungan ko noon. My eyes widened. It means he's also studying here in San Albereda University. Bigla akong kinabahan sa isiping iyon. The thought of him studying with the same university as mine felt so dangerous. Pakiramdam ko at gusto kong magpalipat ng pinapasukan na paaralan. But that's too ridiculous.

"How's your plan going on?" I felt chills on my vines when I heard another voice.

Kumpara sa lalaking tinulungan ko noon, mas nakakatakot ang boses na iyon. Walang emosyon ang mababakas sa boses na nanggagaling sa nagsalita. Cold is an understatement. Hindi lang basta malamig ang boses na iyon. It was screaming the word of death. Para bang kapag nakagawa ka ng isang pagkakamali ay kayang-kaya niyang gumawa ng isang bagay na hindi niyo pagsisihan.

"Done. I already did what you want me to do."

"Good. How about the other thing?"

"Tapos na. Samael did all the work."

Hindi ko alam pero pakiramdam ko ay gusto ko ng umalis roon. It was so wrong hearing them talk.

"Bakit si Samael? I told you to do it."

"Yeah, but I have readings that day."

"Readings, oh that's cool. Give your best in being a criminal lawyer, Azazel. We could use that on our Casa."

"I know. Umalis ka na, I'm busy."

"Good luck fucking your books."

"Tch. Fuck your films and fuck some girls, Nazarel."

Someone suddenly laughed but it wasn't a good laugh to hear. It's too evil.

"I don't fuck. I kill."

Sa sobrang gulat ko sa narinig ay wala sa sariling nabitiwan ko ang hawak na libro. My body shakened in fear. I immediately get my book on the floor. And before they knew that I was listening to them, I already ran. Tumakbo na lamang ako paalis roon.

Nang makalayo ay tumigil rin ako. I sighed in relief. That was close. Mabuti na lamang at mabilis akong umalis roon.

I decided to go in the field, some of the students are looking at me. Tumungo ako sa hiya hanggang sa makarating ako sa isang bench. Umupo ako roon at pinagmasdan ang paligid. A lot of students are walking. Inilabas ko ang aking sketch pad at graphite pencil. At itinago ang librong hawak sa aking bag.

Sinimulan ko na ang pagguhit sa mga tao. As I draw the people, I just realized that I'm actually in front of the Law Building. Some of them are in casual clothes while the others are in formal attire. I smiled, they looked like so well-respected people. It suits them well. I slightly smiled.

Habang gumuguhit ako ay bigla akong natulos sa kinauupuan ng may hagip aking mga mata. My lips parted and my eyes widened. I saw the man I helped leaning on the entrance of the law building. Some books are on his left hand while his other hand is inside his pocket. I swallowed hard when I saw how the side of his lips rose. He even licked his lower lip. Itinagilid niya ang kaniyang ulo, para bang pinag-aaralan niya ang aking buong katawan. I was wearing a white long dress, ang laylayan ng aking bestida ay sumasayad na sa damo. Ilang metrong distansya lamang ang kaniyang layo mula sa akin.

I can clearly see him. His hand on his pockets played with his lips. Muli akong napalunok sa paraan ng kaniyang pagtitig sa akin. Ilang minuto lamang ay umalis rin siya roon ngunit ang namumuong takot sa akin ay hindi pa rin maalis sa aking dibdib. Muli akong gumuhit at inalis sa isipan ang lalaki.

Ngunit mas lalong nanginig ako ng makarinig ako ng pamilyar na boses ng babae. Para akong napako sa kinauupuan. I stopped drawing and didn't move any single muscle.

"Are you really going to seduce Azel, Eyla?" I heard the other girl saidBeOf course, magpapabuntis pa ako." And they laughed as the girl named Eyla said those words.

Sila iyong mga babaeng pinagbantaan ako noon sa library. I didn't know that they will be here. Ang balak ko pa naman ay umiwas sa kaniya ngunit mukhang pinaglalapit talaga kami ng mundo.

"Girl, I'm telling you baka mabasted ka lang."

"Look, I'm Eyla Fuenteluna and no one's gonna dare to turn me down," nakita ko pa ang pagngisi nito. She's beautiful, if ever she will try to join a beauty pageant, I'm sure that she's going to win the crown.

Lumunok ako at inayos ang aking salamin. Sinikop ko pa ang medyo kulot kong buhok at inilagay iyon sa gilid ng aking kanang leeg. Mas lalo ko pang itinago ang aking mukha gamit ang aking sketchpad.

But I'm not very lucky though, they still caught me.

"And what a girl like you is doing here in front of the Law Building, huh?" One of Eyla's friends asked.

Eyla walk towards me, she looked from head to toes. I was wearing a very long white dress, the length of my dress is up to my toes and I partnered it with simple white slippers. Inayos ko ang eyeglasses ko.

I stood up and bow my body and head repeatedly as a sign of asking for forgiveness. My hands are shaking while holding my sketchpad. Eyla grabbed my hair while I'm still bowing. She let me look at her. And again, I saw her eyes, it was full of irritation for me. Nalaglag ang sketchpad na hawak ko at nangingilid na ang aking luha.

I don't want this, I felt so helpless. I want to run away from them but I can't.

"Are you here for Azel?" I shook my head. I don't even know who Azel is. Wala naman ako masyadong kakilala dito sa San Albereda University. No one wants to be friends with me because of my disorder.

"Liar, I know you are here for him."

I shook my head again, napadaing ako ng humigpit ang hawak niya sa buhok ko

"Bitch, hindi ka pagtutuunan ng pansin ni Azel. He doesn't like girls like you."

"P-Pakawalan n-niyo n-na a-ako," even that I don't want to talk, kinailangan ko magsalita. Some of the students are looking at us. They are mocking me, they look like any moment, they are going laughed at me.

"Oh, are you scared little trash kitten? Poor you, you deserve this. Diba sinabi ko na sayo na kapag nagkita tayo ay mas malala ang gagawin ko sayo?"

Pinakawalan niya ang buhok ko ngunit sinampal niya naman ako ng malakas. I felt my tears coming out from my eyes. Mas lalo pa akong naluha ng sinampal niya ako ng paulit-ulit. She even scratched my face.

Umiling ako sa kaniya ngunit umamba siyang muli na sasampalin ako. I closed my eyes and just wait for another slap when I didn't feel any. I slowly opened my eyes and I saw a guy holding Eyla's pulse.

"Leave," nanindig ang balahibo ko ng marinig ko ang malamig na boses na iyon. That was the other voice that I heard earlier.

Eyla and her friends leave. Pati na rin ang mga nanonood sa amin kanina. Ang estranghero naman na tumulong sa akin ay lumapit sa akin. He looks like the guy that I helped with last week but I know he's not that guy. He helped me to stand up. He even carry my bag and sketchpad as we walk towards the clinic.

Agad kaming nilapitan ng nurse, pinaupo niya ako sa clinic bed roon. The nurse asked me what happened but I didn't talk. So the guy who helped me is the one who talk to me.

The nurse aids me while the guy is busy on his phone.

Suddenly, his phone rang. He immediately answers the call.

"Fuck you," napalunok ako sa sinabi ng lalaki.

"Whatever. Just shut up, Samael." The guy looked at me coldly. I saw his eyes, it was gray but with a touch of green. Kamukha niya talaga iyong tinulungan ko noon. Pero may pagkakaiba pa rin sa kanilang mukha, he looks more rough and daCo.

Umiwas ako ng tingin at pinaglaruan ang aking kamay. Mas nakakatakot kasi siya kaysa sa lalaking tinulungan ko. Tapos naalala ko pa ang sinabi niya kanina. Sa bawat salitang inilitanya niya, walang bakas ng biro roon. Purong katotohanan iyon.

"What?! The fuck you are talking about? Hindi ba sabi ko ay bantayan mo ng mabuti? Fuck, I'm going there."

I looked again at the guy.

Tumingin siya sa akin at napailing bago tuluyang umalis. The nurse is still not done with me. Ilang minuto pa akong nagtagal roon bago ako tuluyang nakaalis roon.

Hindi ko mawari kung ano ang mararamdaman ko habang palabas ng San Albereda University. Halos lahat ng estudyante ay nakatingin sa akin. They look like they want to asked me for something. Mabilis na lamang akong naglakad. Wala namang nangahas na lapitan ako.

Naglalakad lang ako pauwi ng apartment ko. It was hard for me to communicate from the others. So I decided to just walk from here to my apartment. I have a bike but it still not fix. Kailangan ko pang bumili ng mga parts kaso ay wala pa akong pera dahil hindi pa ako nakakasahod mula sa part-time job ko.

I was okay in walking from San Albereda University but not until I felt someone is following me. Bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko at binilisan ang aking lakad. Halos madapa pa ako sa pagmamadali. Sa sobrang takot ko ay nanginig na ako sa takot. Nayakap ko ang bag ko ng wala sa oras.

Tuluyan na akong tumakbo hanggang sa madapa ako. My white dress was slightly ripped and dirty. I stood up and I was appalled to see a cute puppy. It's a Siberian husky, my lips parted.

Then I smiled and walk towards the Siberian husky. He's cute.

Hinimas ko ang kaniyang ulo at mukhang natuwa siya roon kaya tumalon siya papunta sa akin. Dinila-dilaan niya ang aking mukha na siyang ikinatawa ko. Gusto ko ng aso.

"C-C-C-Cute p-p-puppy."

Pero sigurado ako nga may nagmamay-ari nito. At hindi nga ako nagmamadali dahil nakita ko isang dog tag na nakasuot sa kaniya.

"Azi?" I asked as I looked at the puppy. Ginala ko ang paningin ko upang hanapin ang may-ari ngunit wala akong nakita.

I bit my lips before carrying the dog. Inuwi ko siya sa apartment. Mabuti na lamang at pwede ang aso sa apartment ko. I placed the dog in my couch. I patted its head. The dog is so cute.

"Azi," the dog barked at me made me smile. Does the owner of this dog named Azi? Or it's the dog's name?

I shrugged off before sitting on the couch and placing the dog on my lap. "Azi." Ulit ko.

I'm gonna call him, Azi for now.

Natutuwa ako sa tuwing umuuwi ako at inaabutan si Azi na naghihintay sa akin. Madalas siyang tumatahol lalo na kapag bagong dating ko palang mula sa San Albereda University.

I smiled as I think of my baby Azi. I am currently inside the library. As usual, I was reading a book. But this time, it's not an educational book. I was reading a novel. A good novel. Safe Haven. Nicholas Sparks wrote the book. Ang alam ko ay mayroon ring movie nito. Maybe I will watch it too.

I was interrupted when I heard a cry. I sighed, I really hate being like this. Mabilis mawala ang atensyon ko sa isang bagay. Hindi ko naman dapat papansinin ang iyak na iyon pero I was distracted. So out of curiosity, tumingin ako sa pinangagalingan noon.

"Please, even for one month. Azel, please, I could give my body to you."

Nanlaki ang mata ko ng makita ko na naman ang lalaking tinulungan ko. He was just looking at the girl crying in front of her. Malayo sila mula sa mga estudyante rito.

"Azel, please, give me a chance. I could pleasure you. I'm good in bed. I have experience. Kahit fuck buddy na lang, please."

The girl even touched him. Nagulat ako ng marahas na inalis iyon ng lalaki, lumapit siya sa babae. He pinned her on the shelf. Nakatagilid sila sa akin kaya kitang-kita ko kung paano nakagat ng babae ang sarili nitong labi. She was looking at the man in front of her with so much lust.

Gusto ko man umiwas ay hindi ko magawa. There is something pushing me to watched them.

I saw how he leaned onto the girl. Itinukod niya ang isang kamay sa shelf. He smirked evilly. Habang ang babae naman ay umaawang na ang labi ngunit nakikita ang kasiyahan sa kaniya.

A-Are are they going t-to kiss?

Suminghap ako sa isiping iyon. Napatingin sa akin ang lalaki. Mas lalo siyang ngumisi, but this time he's smirking at me.

"Kayang-kaya kong manakit ng babae, lalo na sa kama..."

Napalunok ako pero hindi magawang umiwas sa kanila. Salubong ang aming mga tingin. Muling bumuka ang kaniyang bibig upang magsalita.

"I'm not just a monster in bed, I'm more than that. I'm a devil. I could do things that you would never imagine. Do you want that?"

Kahit malamig ang kaniyang boses ay iba pa rin ang epekto noon sa akin. The way he said those words felt so sensual. And as he looked at me as he speak, para bang ako ang sinasabihan niya ng mga katagang iyon. Parang kiniliti ang loob ng aking tiyan habang nakatitig sa kaniya. Habang nakatingin kami sa isa't isa. Mayroong takot sa aking dibdib pero naroon rin ang hindi matukoy na emosyon.

Bumigat ang aking paghinga.

"Yes. I want that. I want you."

Ngumisi siyang muli tapos ay tumingin sa babae. Hinaplos nito ang pisngi ng babae gamit ang isang kamay. Bumaba iyon sa leeg ng babae, sa una ay marahan ang paghaplos noon hanggang sa ang haplos ay naging sakal na. Nanlaki ang mata ko ng dumiin ang pagkakasakmal niya sa babae.

The girl tried to get away on his grip but she can't. Kita ko ang walang emosyon na nakatingin sa kaniya ang lalaki. It was like, it's a normal thing for him.

Nagpupumiglas ang babae sa kaniya pero niya iyon binitiwan. Bagkus ay mas lalo pa niyang sinakal ang babae. He suddenly looked at me. Nanginig ako sa takot habang nakatingin sa kaniya.

Bumalik ang tingin niya sa babae.

"But I don't want you. I just want to strangle your neck." He said with a serious tone. "You don't touch me with your hands, whore. It disgusts me."

Umiling ako, wala sa sariling napatayo habang pinapanood sila.

"S-Stop..." Tumingin siya sa akin. Umiling akong muli sa kaniya. "S-Stop! P-Please, d-don-n't."

Tinitigan niya ako ng mariin. "S-Stop!"

Ilang sandali lang ay binitiwan niya rin ang babae. The girl was still catching her breath when I shakily get my things. Kinakabahan kong kinuha ang mga gamit ko. Alam ko, nararamdaman ko ang pagtitig niya sa akin. Pero hindi ko na iyon pinansin at umalis na roon.

Hindi ko alam kung saan ang tungo ko pero napadpad ako sa restroom ng mga babae. There's no students there. Kaya malaya kong pinagmamasdan ang sarili ko sa malaking salamin. I sighed as I looked at my face. I look so pale. Halos mamuti na ang aking labi sa putla.

Tumungo ako upang hilamusan ng tubig ang aking mukha. Nakarinig pa ako ng pagbukas ng pintuan ng restroom. I didn't give attention on that. Muli akong tumingin sa repleksyon ko. But I almost shout in nervousness when I saw the man earlier. He was leaning on the door while looking at me. Nakatiklop pa ang kaniyang mga braso sa kaniyang dibdib.

Bumigat ang aking hininga, nakadama na naman ako ng pangamba habang nakatingin sa kaniya. Kaya kahit hindi pa napupunasan ang aking mukha ay mabilis kong kinuha ang mga libro at bag ko sa gilid. At ambang aalis na sana roon ng hinigit niya ako papalapit sa kaniya.

My books and bag fell on the floor. He pinned me on the door. I even heard a clicked sound. Ang kaniyang kamay ay nasa aking leeg. Medyo mariin ang kaniyang pagkakahawak niya roon. Masakit pero hindi ko iyon mainda dahil nararamdaman ko ang kaniyang hininga sa aking tainga.

"I really want to strangle your neck, you know." Tapos ay mas lalong dumiin ang hawak niya sa aking leeg.

"Gustong-gusto kitang saktan, Sera."

He called me on my name. How? Paano niya nalaman ang pangalan ko?

Bumigat muli ang aking hininga ng kagatin niya ang aking tainga katulad noon. But this time, he licked it. May kasama ng pagdila doon. I felt his other hand on the side my hips.

Lumayo ang kaniyang mukha sa aking tainga at tumingin sa akin. He's seriously looking at me now.

"Akala mo ba hindi ko alam na nakikinig ka sa amin noon? You're listening at us."

Kinabahan akong sa sinabi niya. That's true.

"Do you want to be killed?"

Mabilis akong umiling sa sinabi niya, muli niyang itinukod sa pintuan ang kamay niyang nakahawak sa balakang ko.

"Then don't do it again. I might do bad things to you."

Sa takot ay napatango ako sa kaniya. He smirked at me. Bumaba ang tingin niya sa leeg kong may peklat buhat sa pagkagat niya noon.

"My mark suits you well," he said before pulling his body away from me.

He freed me on his strangle. He put his both hands on his pockets. Binasa niya ang kaniyang labi habang nakatingin sa akin. Wala sa sariling napahawak naman ako sa marka niya.

Umalis ako sa pagkakahilig sa pintuan at sumandal sa may dingding doon. Nanginginig akong napatingin sa kaniya. Malamig siyang nakatingin sa akin.

"Be a good girl, amore. You won't gonna like me if I do something very bad to you, hmm."

Muli na naman siyang lumapit sa akin. He leaned onto me.

"I'm watching you..." He said before kissing me gently on my cheeks.

Binuksan niya ang pintuan, he looked at me first before getting out of the restroom. Walang hiya siyang lumabas ng restroom ng mga babae na para bang hindi siya takot na makita ng kahit sinong estudyante.

Para akong nauupos na kadilang unti-unting napapaupo sa sahig. Hinabol ko ang aking hininga. What's happening to me?