Chapter 4

Bakit hindi ko ata nakita na darating ‘to? Alam ko naman na famous ang mukong na ‘yon, but I didn’t expected na isa sa mga kaibigan niya ay si Travis.

Now, I have a feeling that sooner or later I’ll be dancing in my own fire. Burning.

Heaven knows how much I prayed not to cross our path again. I did all the possible way just to run away from him, but here we are. Natagpuan niya pa rin ako. I’ve been hiding from him after what happened to us. I know it’s not a big deal, one night stand lang naman kung matuturing ang nangyari sa aming dalawa noon.

But I’ll be hell if I say I wasn’t thinking about him, my first time. He’s so good to be true and I couldn’t help myself to grasp at the tiny little hope that perhaps he wasn’t just looking for someone to be fuck whenever and whatever they need. That, maybe. Just maybe he’s an exception of all my deception distress.

Mahina akong natawa sa sarili ko. Bakit ba inuunahan ko ang lahat. As long as he doesn’t interfere with my business, then we’re all good.

Umuwi na ko sa apartment ko matapos ang shift ko. This day is draining me. Nag-submit na rin ako ng resignation letter kanina bago ako umalis. I am dead serious about what I said earlier. Matagal ko na sana ito ginawa kung hindi lang ako pinigilan ni Jellay.

I didn’t hate the kitchen at all. As a matter of fact, it’s the thing I’m good at. But I just can’t be an employee forever. I want to do things out of my ifs and take a risk. And to begin with, I have to step out and start a new one.

I park my car in the empty lot. Napatingin ako sa bintana ng apartment ko nang mapansing bukas doon ang ilaw. I pulled out my phone and barked a message to Jellay.

Wala naman kasing ibang may susi, kundi siya lang. We used to be roommates back in college. Palagi rin kaming magka-kumpitensya sa pagiging-cum laude. Until she got pregnant by a womanizer and decided to stop studying. Nauna akong grumaduate sa kaniya pero mas nauna pa siyang na-promote sa trabaho kay sa akin.

“Nandito na ‘ko,” I said, tiredly.

A girl, with short pink hair, 5’7 ft, wearing an apron, playing her mother’s role, gazed at me. Suot niya rin ang apron ko’t pinapakialaman na naman ang kusina ko. Nang makita niya ako’y lumapit siya sa akin.

“Ano itong nabalitaan ko na nag-resign ka raw!?” Nakapamaywang niyang bungad.

“Oy, hey. Is Abigail there too?” hindi ko pinansin ang tanong niya.

“Tita Chanty!” Abigail pout at me while spreading her hands.

Agad kong binitawan ang bag ko para salubungin siya ng yakap.

“Oh my baby angel.” Agad ko siyang kinarga at pumasok sa loob. Dinaanan ko lang ang mama niya at nakipaglaro sa kaniyang anak.

“Hoy Chantydoll! Bakit ka ba nag-resign? Tapos hindi mo pa raw tinanggap ang offer ng client sayo?” Lumapit sa amin si Jellay. She joined our tea party with Abigail.

“Ang bilis naman nakarating ang balita.” Mahina akong natawa nang sinalinan ni Abigail ang laruang tasa ni Jellay. Sinabihan pa nitong manahimik at hindi gusto ni Mr. Bear, ang laruan niyang teddy bear, ng maingay.

“Kung hindi iyon galing kay Travis, baka tinanggap ko na ‘yon,” I said. Ngumiti ako kay Abigail nang nag-alok itong mag-cheers.

Nanlaki agad ang kaniyang mata. Tinaas ko ang laruan na tasa ni Abigail at kunwari may ininom doon.

“Cheers!” Tinaas ni Abigail ang kaniyang tasa kaya ginaya rin namin siya.

“This tea party is so much tea, huh?” Tumaas ang kilay ni Jellay, pertaining to me.

Matapos ang halos tatlong minuto na paglalaro ni Abigail ay nakatulog sa balikat ko ang bata. Mas gusto niya kasing magpakarga sa akin upang tingnan ang bagong kulay ko na buhok. Mukhang na-inspired ko pa ata ang bata sa kalokohan ko’t gusto niya raw gayahin ako.

Maingat ko siyang nilapag sa sofa at kinumutan.

Mabilis naman akong hinatak ni Jellay sa balkunahe, malayo sa mahimbing na natutulog niyang anak. Tapos niya na ring linisin ang mga gamit at laruan ni Abigail.

“Are you serious!?”

“Alin doon? Ang pag-resign ko ba o ang pagkikita namin ulit ni Travis?” Dinukot ko ang nag-iisang stick ng segarilyo sa kaha’t sinindihan ito.

She immediately close the glass door, gently.

“Both!” Inagaw niya sa akin ang segarilyo, at inipit sa bibig niya.

“Yeah. Remember the guy who advise you to resign on your position? That’s him.” I lean. Ako naman ngayon ang umagaw ng segarilyo.

“Fuck it! Siya ‘yon? Bakit parang iba ata sa sinabi mong maamo pero wild? You should have seen him how he said it straight into my eyes! Madulas ang dila ng isang 'yon!”

Mahina akong natawa. “I don’t remember that, but I remember how good his tongue was.”

Sinamaan niya ako ng tingin. I rised my hands, as if I held to surrender. I know how much he hates that guy from the very first time I told her about him. Tapos dumagdag pa itong pagtatagpo nila sa restaurant.

Binuga ko ang usok. Napatingin din ako sa kalangitan. Muli kong naaalala ang mukha ni Travis kanina nang marinig niya ang pangalan ko.

Hindi ko alam kung naaalala niya pa ako, o ang nangyari sa amin noong araw na iyon. But the way he calls my name, para akong binabalik noong araw na iyon.

“Sinabi mo ba sa kaniya?”

“Para saan pa?” Binuga ko ulit ang usok. “I don’t need anything from him. What happened to us was just one night-stand.”

“And the baby?”

Bigla akong natahimik. It’s true that I once felt like a mother when I saw those two lines. I carried his baby without even knowing how to be a mother. I didn’t get abortion, pinilit kong buhayin ang bata sa sinapupunan ko, hindi dahil napipilitan ako, kundi dahil gusto ko rin maging ina. But I guess it wasn’t my time to be a mother. I can still feel his heartbeat, his warm hands, and the way he breathed. Walang katumbas ang kasiyahan ko, pero lahat ay gumuho nang makita kong hindi na humihinga ang anak ko. I survived an accident, but my son didn’t.

Napatingin ako kay Abigail. Siguro kasing laki na rin niya ang anak ko. Kasing liksi, at siguro kasing gwapo ng kaniyang ama.

“He wouldn’t know about it. I’ll make sure.”

Matapos ang pag-uusap namin na ‘yon ay nagpaalam na si Jellay na uuwi na sila at kailangan niya pang maghanda para sa day care day bukas ng kaniyang anak. To be honest, I feel jealous of her. Kahit na tatanga-tanga siyang nagpabuntis sa isang dakilang babaero noon sa college ay nagawa niya pa ring palakihin ang anak niya.

I pulled my phone out and texted my sister. But I didn’t expect I’d received a call from Gabriel. I guess my probability doesn’t failed me again. Bago pa ‘yan ay marami na rin pala siyang text simula kahapon. Sinadya ko kasing huwag munang buksan ang telepono ko para hindi niya ako ma-text o matawagan ako. That’s the part of the game.

I can’t believe na na mabilis din pala siya malinlang sa mga salita ki. At hindi nga ako nagkakamali at nahulog nga siya sa patibong ko.

“Hey who’s this?” I jumped on my bed.

“Hey, it’s me. Gabriel.” He breathe.

“Oh, good evening father. How did you get my number?”

“I asked your cousin.”

I lick my lips. Of course, you’ll do that.

“Ano pong kailangan ninyo?”

“Uhm. Nothing. I want to check you.” He paused. “It’s nice seeing you today. Are you free tomorrow?”

“Uhm. Let me check.” I pause. Nakatitig lang ako sa kisame habang nakangiti. We’re down to the exciting part.

“Yeah. I guess.”

“Right. Cool. Can I pick you up tomorrow?”

“Wait are you asking me for it date?” Mahina akong natawa.

“I’m not really used to it. So, are you down to it?”

“I don’t know. Wala ka bang date bukas kasama ang girlfriend mo?”

“Francisca? No. She’s not my girlfriend.”

Jerk!

Napatango ako. “If you say so. I’ll send you my address.”

“See you tomorrow, Chanty.”

I suddenly licked my lips after hearing my name. Napatango ako bago ko pinatay ang tawag.

This is it.

I tried to close my eyes, hoping my insomnia wouldn’t kick again. Pero kahit anong pilit ko’y ayaw talaga ako patulogin. I end up cleaning my entire house, throwing away my garbage and even taking a shower, again. Nagawa ko na lahat, pero wala talaga. Ayaw akong patulogin. The more I get tired, the more I can’t sleep.

I only have one option left. I pulled up my laptop, open my secret files and watched him crying in my hands. It’s the only memory I have before my son took away.

Agad na nangilid ang luha nang masilayan ang ngiti niya. Kung alam ko lang na kukunin ka rin sa akin agad, hindi sana’y dinamihan ko ang pagkuha ng litrato. Para kahit dito lang ay maramdaman ko ang pagiging ina ko.

The tears wouldn’t stop as well as my shattered heart. I still keep on dreaming of becoming a mother, yet, it took it away.

Motherhood is the most exciting part of being a woman. From being 9 months pregnant, to pushing ‘til your veins pop, is all worth it. Worth it lahat.

I slowly close my eyes, cuddling my favorite pillow, when someone knocked at my door. AT THIS HOUR!

I throw my gaze at the clock beside me. It’s fucking 2:00 AM!

2:00 AM!

Who the fuck would knock at my door this late? Imposible naman si Jellay dahil sa pagkakaalam ko’y hindi naman ‘yon magpapatalo sa tulog lalo na’t pagod din siya sa pag-aalalaga ng anak niya buong maghapon.

Padabog akong bumangon sa aking kama. I wore my robe and cover myself.

Mabilis kong binuksan ang pinto, without even thinking straight.

“Yes?” bungad ko.

Natigil ako nang makita kung sino ‘yon. His Irish eyes met. A smile grew on her lips. Para bang binalik ako sa unang pagkikita namin noon sa VIP room. All those moans, all the sweat that he dried using his tongue. His tongue. How would I forget how what it tastes like when it plays around my wetness?

My heart race. No! I have moved on.

“I know it’s you.” He smiles at me.

“wha—I’m sorry, do I know you?” Marahan akong kumurap, trying my best acting to win.

Dumaan ang sakit sa kaniyang mata, kahit anong pilit niya iyong takpan.

“I think, nasa maling room ka ata, Mister.” I smiled at him.

“Don't you recognize me?” he hesitated.

“Excuse me? I think you mistake me for someone.”

“Yeah, I guess so. Uhm. Sorry.” Ngumiti siya sa akin.

I followed him ‘til he stopped at next door. Kumunot ang noo ko’t napamura sa isip ko.

Did he fucking live next door?

Mabilis kong sinarado ang pinto. At halos madurog ko na ang doorknob.

What the fuck? Hindi ko alam kung pinaglalaruan ba ako ng kalangitan at siya pa talaga ang bagong may-ari ng apartment next door.

Napasambunot ako ng buhok. I did my best not to be frantic when I met him earlier, and now, he’s here!? Right at the next door!? How am I supposed to live a peaceful life?

“Is this my Karma?”