Chapter Five

PAST

Nahlela

The semester had just begun and Kadmia was admitted in the hospital. She had been experiencing dizziness, weight loss and fatigue. After attending all my lecture, I went to the hall where she had lectures for the day and collected notes from her classmate and photocopied, then went to the hospital to see her.

When I reached the hospital, everyone looked sad. Mom was clearly trying not to cry and Dad looked like someone had died. Kadmia gave me a sad smile and it just confirmed that something was not right. I asked Mom what the matter was and she burst into tears. I turned to Dad and the look he had on his face was not inviting. Before I could ask Kadmia what was wrong, she said “I’m dying, I have leukaemia”.

I felt as if life had been knocked out of me. What did they mean by Leukaemia? Kadmia was healthy, it was most probably typhoid and Malaria disturbing her. I expected them to start laughing and say “April fool” but no one laughed. Mom was now sobbing seriously and I think I saw a tear or two roll down Dads cheeks. I climbed on the bed and held Kadmia, whispering that everything will be alright while praying in my heart that things become better but nothing could stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks.

When Kadmia was discharged from the hospital and put on drugs, Mom and Dad insisted that she stay at home where they could monitor her health and take care of her, but she insisted on going back to live in our Hostel. I asked if she was sure about it and she insisted. Mom and Dad however insisted that she comes home every weekend.

I tried to make peace with the fact that she had a terminal disease but I could not. I started having anxiety attacks. More than half of the time, I was restless. I started worrying a lot. On days when she had lectures, I showed up at her classroom at least four times daily to check on her. When she went out, I called her many times to make sure everything was alright. I had tense muscles on most days and of course I was always restless and I found it difficult to sleep. Even when I succeeded in sleeping, I had nightmares which kept me up till morning. It was like my spirit was haunted.

I started spending all my free time reading about leukaemia. I watched over a hundred videos and read over a thousand articles talking about it. I read a lot of stories of people who had beaten it and those stories were what gave me hope every day. I followed a lot of oncologists on social media hoping that they’ll miraculously have breakthroughs in their search for a cure. Knowing that Kadmia could die killed me slowly. I had to be strong for her but I was to broken to even try.

The anxiety attacks started being more frequent. I went to the hospital and consulted and was prescribed drugs to help me sleep and keep calm. I started going to different pharmacies whenever I was feeling agitated and restless and getting the drugs. Before I knew it, I was addicted. I became dependent on the drugs. I tried as much as possible to hide it from Kadmia, but Kadmia being Kadmia suspected it. I stopped going to school and stayed at home every day and spent my days either crying or sleeping. Kadmia was the sick one but she instead took care of me.

I didn’t even know Continuous Assessments had been announced till one day, Kadmia came home and gave me a file. I asked what was in it and she said there were my notes and timetable. She told me that she knew I had been drug abusing and she begged me to stop. She told me that I had my whole life ahead of it and I shouldn’t waste it. She told me that she didn’t want to die at a young age but she had made peace with the fact that she will die. She reminded me of the fact that our parents had only both of us and her sickness was already killing them and if something happened to me too, it will send them to their early grave. She begged me not to throw my life away because she was dying. She made me promise that I will get my shit together and make something of my life. She reminded me of the fact that it was now my sole responsibility to look after my parents and begged me not to let them down. Before I knew it, she was sobbing uncontrollably. The tears broke my heart into thousands of pieces. Knowing that my sister, my sweet and loving sister, my caring and selfless sister, my strong and independent sister was crying because of me broke me. It was at that moment that I realized that I had been a mess and I was adding to her stress and her pain.

I finally stopped depending on drugs and started going to school. I was behind because of all of the classes I had missed but Kadmia helped me in preparing for my exams. I even stopped cyberstalking oncologists but I didn’t give up on finding a solution so I kept on reading everything I could about Leukaemia I could lay my hands on. I finally became a good sister and started taking good care of Kadmia. She always insisted that she was fine and I shouldn’t stress but I was making sure that if these were her last days on earth, the days be happy and memorable ones. Most often than not I felt weak and defeated, but I made it a point not to cry because Kadmia always had a way of knowing when I cried and I didn’t want to make her more distressed. It wasn’t an easy ride but we took it one day at a time.