Chapter Four

Nahlela

When Kadmia and I were in Primary school, on the feast of all souls, after school we will come home, remove our school uniforms, eat and go to the cathedral with our parents and mom’s family for mass. We will sit by the grave side of our late grandma, decorate her graveside with flowers and candles, make our prayers and talk to her. Kadmia and I always picked special flowers for grandma from the school garden and tied them with blue and pink ribbons.  She died when I was three years old, so I did not really remember her but I knew she had joined the Angels in heaven, so I always told her my secrets and prayers. In a sad way, the feast of all souls was bonding time for our family because we reminisced about our dead relatives while eating boiled corn and groundnuts with sandwiches and other snacks.

This year, as has been the case for the past two years, I wasn’t in the mood to bond with family members and reminisce. My sister, my best friend, my playmate, my womb mate, my partner in crime, my best version, my prettier version was dead. I could not bring myself to wake up from bed. I could not bring myself to take flowers to her grave and light candles for her. I could not bring myself to behave like all is well when nothing in my life was going as planned. Kadmia had her whole life ahead of her and didn’t deserve to die of cancer at the age of 23. She always dreamt of being a lawyer and I think she could have made the best lawyer ever. Whenever she saw kids arguing, she tried her best to make them reconcile and they always did. If anyone deserved to live, it was her. Most at times, I really wished that I could take her place but then I am not God and everything is out of my control.

I wore a simple black long gown and wrapped a black shawl on my face. I went to work and took permission from the boss to leave early. Seeing my parents today in a vulnerable state was going to be really hard on me. Since Kadmia died, my parents had always tried to be strong for me but I knew they were hurting inside.  Burying a child was not an easy thing and I couldn’t even fathom the pain they were feeling. Since Kadmia died I stayed away from home, not because I was angry at them or anything but because there were a lot of memories I was trying not to remember. A lot of things at home made me remember. I think I had at least one memory for every spot in the house. It was just so difficult being there. Anytime I entered our childhood room, I always expected her to speak to me or scold me for not arranging the bed or for stealing her dress and not washing it, but sadly, she didn’t speak.

At noon, I left the office and went home to my parents. I pushed the gate and entered. The parlour door was always locked, so I passed through the garage door. Mom was in the kitchen when I entered and she stopped what she was doing to hug me before I could even announce my entry. As usual, the house was spotless and it smelled like home. Mom had bought a new house plant and apart from that, everything else looked the same. I asked for Dad and she said he had gone to buy some things.

I went into our childhood room to change into a dress I could use in the kitchen and I noticed that I didn’t have any clothes there. All of the clothes there were Kadmia’s. After her death, Mom and Dad told me to take her clothes but I refused. I could not bring myself to take them. Taking them meant accepting the fact that she was no more and I still had not accepted that bitter and painful truth. I opened her box for the first time since her death and took out the first gown I saw and changed into it.

On our way to church, I begged Dad to stop at my primary school; I promised them not to waste time. I met the day watch who had been there for as long as I can remember. I asked for his permission to cut flowers and take to Kadmia’s grave and he accepted. He reminded me of how we always cut flowers from the garden which was against the school rules and ran when we saw him. Choosing flowers without her had to be the most boring thing ever. At least, her favourite flowers were still in the garden so I cut one of each with a few of my best and tied with pink and blue ribbons as we always did when we were kids.

When everyone had left the graveside, I stayed back. I had a lot to tell Kadmia but I didn’t know where to start from. My mind was clouded and tears were rolling down my cheeks. I cried till I could cry no more. Before I knew it, places were dark and just the candle lights were making the place bright a little. Normally I could be scared in a graveyard, but today I was not scared at all. I made a short prayer, requesting that her soul be granted eternal rest. Her life may had ended prematurely but she deserved to rest in peace.