They Don’t Know Me

My name is Logan and everyone seems to know me except myself. Every other moment

in my life has been sadness despair and hopelessness. I was the creepy kid in the neighborhood, so much so that all the kids made fun of me. I can sadly say with absolute certainty that I have never had a true friend. In fact, people seem to hate me; it’s not an exaggeration. The problem is, I’m not quite sure what I’ve done to warrant such a reaction from people.

Growing up, I was a huge pushover and never really stood up for myself, plus, I believed

all of the negative and hateful comments were true; this is because in my early teen, I had a male

cousin a couple years older than me, that would play around with me sexually every chance he

got. This started around the age of 12 when his family relocated to my hometown and continued

until I was about 18 when I finally put a stop to it. By the time I realized how poisonous this relationship was to me, the damage was already done.

The sadness I feel deep in my soul is too much to bear. I really think it’s just part of me

these days. I think even if I was the pretty, popular in high school, I would still be depressed. I

don’t think I have the ability to be happy.

My mom has my crazy ass in therapy now as he found out my deepest darkest secret. To

her it had something to do with the regime I lived or was expose to. The beatings including

knocked out teeth, broken bones, being raped at age 13 and being locked in my room all day as

that was the only safe space I could fine.

In high school, I never felt like I really fit in. I always found that they would talk down to

me, treat me poorly, talk about me…and it just got worse and worse, but that had a flip to it as

the more I did excellent in my education. By the time I graduated high school, I felt so alone. I

just felt that everyone around me was so fake and hypocritical.

I am just on the verge of suicide almost every day of my life. I have some okay days, day

when I’m romance by sexy tick guy and then at the drop of a hat I want to slit my wrists. I

wonder what it would be like to be normally happy.

I have been in therapy and nothing seems to be improving. I think it because they are

trying to tell me that my life style is wrong. But how can something that feels so good be so

wrong. I never got up one day and said ill be like this, this was all way me from as long as I can

remember. Then again, why would someone want to be ridicule everyday of their life? Why

would I want to be an outcast of this society I live in? Don’t they see I want to be normal? I’m

just not what they want me to be. Why won’t they get it?

I have tried to be normal but honestly I’m tired. I’m tired of trying to be something I’m

not. . I’m tired of pretending there's hope. The only reason I haven’t committed suicide is that

I’m afraid of hell. Really, what is the point of me living when I am SO sad? I pray at night that I

will die in my sleep.

People think they know me but actually they have no clue who I am or what they have

been doing to me. A lot of people think they know the real me, who I really am and what I’m

about, but they don’t. Some people pass judgment on my life, the choices I've made and they

have no idea about what I’ve been through and why I choose to be the way I am.

I guess, what I’m trying to ask from all this is why do people hate me so much…even

people who don’t know me. Why does my so-called family always treat me like crap and find

any excuse to put me down? I feel like I sound so pathetic but I just don’t get it! I really don’t.

Let me share some of my life experience with you, maybe just then you will understand what I’m

saying.